Young and dating a sin?

[waffles]

Hey everyone. I have been saves for alittle more than a year now...So things have been great! But im learning to do everything VERY differently now. I have many questions about dating...well I'm young (still in high school) and I'd like to know if dating during high school is conducive to my relationship with God/my walk with Jesus. I guess it would depends on the circumstances, so under what conditions should i even be to get involved in dating? Is my love for God even strong to withstand a big disappointment, a breakup?

I was wondering if i was in a relationship and my partner was a pretty strong christian, and knew right from wrong, and this relationship was not built on lust or selfishness, would God bless this relationship?
I don't want to date for the heck of dating (like many of my friends do). I think my heart is in the right place, and i feel like God has brought us to meet for a certain reason. God has also laid a pretty good foundation for us to bond. I mean we seem so compatible.... As of now I don't know if i should pursue this guy or if I do, will I have to suffer the consequences of it later? Should i pray about it more and be patient about it? Is this some kind of test?! I'm kind of confused.   

[Fem2009]

Hey everyone. I have been saves for alittle more than a year now...So things have been great! But im learning to do everything VERY differently now. I have many questions about dating...well I'm young (still in high school) and I'd like to know if dating during high school is conducive to my relationship with God/my walk with Jesus. I guess it would depends on the circumstances, so under what conditions should i even be to get involved in dating? Is my love for God even strong to withstand a big disappointment, a breakup?

I was wondering if i was in a relationship and my partner was a pretty strong christian, and knew right from wrong, and this relationship was not built on lust or selfishness, would God bless this relationship?
I don't want to date for the heck of dating (like many of my friends do). I think my heart is in the right place, and i feel like God has brought us to meet for a certain reason. God has also laid a pretty good foundation for us to bond. I mean we seem so compatible.... As of now I don't know if i should pursue this guy or if I do, will I have to suffer the consequences of it later? Should i pray about it more and be patient about it? Is this some kind of test?! I'm kind of confused.   

If he's a devoted christian and respects God's laws (especially fornication) why not date?

[DrFrank]

The major problem with dating is that it in the course of engaging in mindless and frequently immoral "fun",which almost always results in later heartbreak, the desire for a sexual relationship usually develops.Most churches teach that within marriage that is to be sought after.Unfortunately for the members of these churches,that is NOT Jesus' teaching.

LUKE 20:34-36 (King James Version)

34And Jesus answering said unto them, The children of this world marry, and are given in marriage:

35But they which shall be accounted worthy to obtain that world, and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage:

36Neither can they die any more: for they are equal unto the angels; and are the children of God, being the children of the resurrection.

[wolflet7]

Hmm...well, it's tough to say whether you should date or not.  I'm not in your shoes and I haven't seen everything that's gone on in your life, so it's hard to say. 

My word may not be right, but I would advise not dating.  I've heard of tons of stories of Christians dating and finding their marriage partners in college, which is probably what I'm going to do (I'm also in high school).  I've had a bad break-up with a not-so-well-foundationed (if that's a word) relationship.  It tore me and changed my view on girls.  It was bad for me. 

I would advise not, but ask God because He definitely knows more than me lol. 

[waffles]

Hmm...well, it's tough to say whether you should date or not.  I'm not in your shoes and I haven't seen everything that's gone on in your life, so it's hard to say. 

My word may not be right, but I would advise not dating.  I've heard of tons of stories of Christians dating and finding their marriage partners in college, which is probably what I'm going to do (I'm also in high school).  I've had a bad break-up with a not-so-well-foundationed (if that's a word) relationship.  It tore me and changed my view on girls.  It was bad for me. 

I would advise not, but ask God because He definitely knows more than me lol. 

Okay thanks for your genuine answer :] Im just a little confused on why God would lead my to an open door and then close it right in front of me...

[walker starr]

As long as you remember and both of you respect GOD`S Laws Youth is the best age for dating.  Remember there is only ONE first of any or everything be carefull not waste it.  GOD bless             Walkker

[wolflet7]

Hmm...well, it's tough to say whether you should date or not.  I'm not in your shoes and I haven't seen everything that's gone on in your life, so it's hard to say. 

My word may not be right, but I would advise not dating.  I've heard of tons of stories of Christians dating and finding their marriage partners in college, which is probably what I'm going to do (I'm also in high school).  I've had a bad break-up with a not-so-well-foundationed (if that's a word) relationship.  It tore me and changed my view on girls.  It was bad for me. 

I would advise not, but ask God because He definitely knows more than me lol. 

Okay thanks for your genuine answer :] Im just a little confused on why God would lead my to an open door and then close it right in front of me...

Just remember what happened to Job.  When he experienced all that pain and misery, he thought that it was God and was wondering why it was God, even though it was all Satan.  Sometimes when you think it is God, it really is Satan.  Satan will do everything in his power that God allows him to to be used against you. 

[yesult]

Dating is just play marriage. It goes like this. Fall in love. Hang out with a guy exlusively, get emotionally attached, get physical, problems come up, the feelings of romantic love start dying. Break up because you arn't 'in love' anymore.

Repeat.

This wears us out emotionally and robs us of our capacity to give all of our emotions to our final spouse in a lifetime commitment. Obviously the more physical we get, the more damage is done. But even if we hold back from the physical (can be extremly hard to do when you love someone) you still get emotionally involved in the kind of relationship that God only meant for you to have with your husband.

Another problem with this pattern is that it gives us a lot of people to compare our future spouse unfavourably against. Whether we do this conciously or sub-conciously the facts will always remain that 'Joe' was so much funnier then (insert spouses name) and Frank was stronger and had such a quirky, cute smile when he was planning something. Mike was such a good athlete and had such a nice build while (spouse) spends too much time on the computer. Ted was such a sweet guy. He could read my mind so much easier then (spouse) and just knew why I was mad, and always asked. I always felt so appreciated around him. Greg was so smart, I always felt challenged around him. He always questioned the assumptions I made about my faith and forced me to think and assess my opinons. I grew so much as a christian in his company.

etc etc

Not healthy when you chose spouse for richer and poorer for as long as you both so live and now have to do it as happily as possible.

Friendships don't tend to cause the above comparisons because we're not 'with' that person in an intimate emotional relationship (if not physical.) They're simply friends.

Once we cross the boundry into a relationship we've crossed a boundry that God only intended us to have with the person we've chosen to spend our lives with. Anything else is giving away parts of ourself to a stranger. And one day, someone elses husband. It's not right.

Temptation will come all the time. Something may look like God, but to know if it is or not we can need to carefully test it.

If you think you could marry this guy then pursue a friendship. But until he feels the same and you're both wanting to marry (and are in a position to) it's comprimising your actual marriage.

The christian model and the secular view on relationships is very different, simply because christianity focuses around love for a life time, whereas the secular focuses on the short term and presents doing that as having no long term consequences.

And as you probably noticed - the original dating model I described is a recipe for divorce, not long term satisfaction in marriage. It's programing a relationship to revolve around feelings.

Hope that helps.

God bless

[wolflet7]

Yesult, not that I don't agree with you, but if we shouldn't date because of those reasons you stated, then how are we supposed to get married?  You can't just go to someone that's a good friend and ask if they want to marry you.  It doesn't work that way.  If I were to date a girl, of course it would be exclusively, but I wouldn't be in a lovey-dovey-hold-me-all-the-time kind of relationship, it would be a more-than-friendly-without-crossing-boundaries relationship. 

From my viewpoint of your opinions, it sounds like dating is such an evil, maniacal thing.   

[waffles]

I get what yesult is saying....i think i have drawn a conclusion since the opinions are kinda mixed...

I am willing to be patient until I get a clear go ahead from God. In the long run, if it is better for me to wait, I am willing to. Also, if dating at my age right now opens doors for temptation and later on, divorce, then I am not going to risk it because its SO not worth it. If it is one thing ive learned this past year of being saved, it is that secular views are bad bad bad. Anything to add to what i said?

[yesult]

Yesult, not that I don't agree with you, but if we shouldn't date because of those reasons you stated, then how are we supposed to get married?  You can't just go to someone that's a good friend and ask if they want to marry you.  It doesn't work that way.  If I were to date a girl, of course it would be exclusively, but I wouldn't be in a lovey-dovey-hold-me-all-the-time kind of relationship, it would be a more-than-friendly-without-crossing-boundaries relationship. 

From my viewpoint of your opinions, it sounds like dating is such an evil, maniacal thing.   

You apparently missed everything I said. Until you are in a position to marry then don't get into a relationship. Otherwise you're merely 'playing' at marriage.

And when you are, only pursue a deeper friendship with someone who you think you might have a future with. Seriel dating is harmful. Lots of friends only enrich. Dating moves straight into relationship. Friendship stays that way unless invited into something more lasting. And you can move a friendship into courtship suprisingly enough. In fact its the healthiest type of relationship because it isn't based on selfishness.

To get into relationships that you have no intention of making permanent is using someone. And we reap what we sow in damaged or cheapened emotions as a result.

[wolflet7]

Okay, thanks for clarifying your argument.  I agree too, I would have to know the girl well enough or else we wouldn't have much to talk about and it would be hard to even set up a date!   

[yesult]

I get what yesult is saying....i think i have drawn a conclusion since the opinions are kinda mixed...

I am willing to be patient until I get a clear go ahead from God. In the long run, if it is better for me to wait, I am willing to. Also, if dating at my age right now opens doors for temptation and later on, divorce, then I am not going to risk it because its SO not worth it. If it is one thing ive learned this past year of being saved, it is that secular views are bad bad bad. Anything to add to what i said?

Only that I think you're amazing    You would be suprised at how rare your attitude is even in the church. In my experience, many christians seem to want a bit of both worlds which is why so few seem to make it to the alter as virgins (let alone emotionally intact.) For what I think the average percentages would be (from observation as someone who's grown up in the church) I would probably put the virgins in about the 5-7% category (average) and the ones who have done everything right in about the 1-2% category.



And unfortunatly I miss the 2% category and had to find all that out the hard way because you're unlikely to hear what I just told you from a pulpit (unless you're very lucky.) (I never have.) Some books will tell you but you have to find those books and read them before you make the mistakes.  

[wolflet7]

I agree with the percentages, yesult.  There are those who want more of this world and not as much of our Heavenly World/ True Home. 

That's the thing about being Christians.  We practically always mess up.  But it is also a little part of our faith.  We know that the only being that is sinless is Jesus Christ Our Lord.  We also can't be perfect, but we strive to be by learning from our mistakes. 

[jegabramaca]

yesult, I'm with ya!  I have made soooo many mistakes to figure things out, and I still don't have them figured out now (at age 28).  I just wish that when I was high school age (and attended church 3 x a week, hung out with the youth pastors family all the time) someone would have preached it like you did there.  It makes perfect sense.  All of my years of going to church as a youth and I never heard a sermon on this topic or anything close.  But if Christians actually did this, relationships would be SOO much healthier.    Among my goals for raising my kids is to figure out and then teach to my children the best way to pursue a marriage. 

[waffles]

Thank you for all your insight!!
Now i have a question...If i have feelings for this person, should i suppress them? I mean what do i do? I know I'm not going to persue a relationship with this person but still, it doesn't really effect how i feel about him. 

[wolflet7]

Though this may be hard, try not to have any contact with that person.  If you know that a relationship won't happen/work, then don't pursue.  I have done that millions of times with multiple girls (not at once) and it ended up in me being heart-broken.  As I saw somewhere on this website, flee temptation, don't fight it.  You can't fight temptation if it's not there, can you?

[kristinaf]

Thank you for all your insight!!
Now i have a question...If i have feelings for this person, should i suppress them? I mean what do i do? I know I'm not going to persue a relationship with this person but still, it doesn't really effect how i feel about him. 

Pardon me for asking, but why do you have to shut the door on things, if you like this guy?  All you have to do is draw some clear God-fearing boundaries with this guy, like for instance, we can kiss, but not touch intimately, we can hug, but not grope, and def. not cross the line into sex.  Why not do that?  Is he a Christian?  If so, that is a step in the right direction.  Should you suppress feelings that you have for this person?  Goodness no!  Unless you are talking sexual feelings, in which case, you should hold those at bay until you are married.  I have liked a few guys from church, but did I "suppress" those feelings, no!  Because If I do that I am nevver going to get married/find someone!    And do I think dating is a sin?  Heck no!  I think it has to be done within the parameters of a Godly relationship, with Godly rules that are KEPT and not wavering.  But, I think it can be done.  Some really good books about this particular subject are "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", and "Boy Meets Girl"  both are about dating and courtship the Christian way, both by Josh Harris, who is now a Pastor, but wrote those books as a young person, from a young person's perspective.  I highly recommend them.  I also recommend you talk to someone a little older, like in their 20's or 30's from your church, preferably a woman, who could relate to you in your struggle.  Someone like that could no doubt give you some good advice.  Remember, we are meant to have fellowship with eachother, for our own and other believer's benefit.  The enemy likes to "pick off" those who are alone and struggling with things.    Another last thought, is to date in groups, rather than one on one, so that you are not alone with this guy...but can still see him and get to know him.  That way there is no pressure to "make out" at the end of the night, because you will be around others and not alone.  One major rule...no alone time with this guy, esp. if you have strong feelings for him.  But, overall, LIFE IS TOO SHORT and you don't always find the right person who you like, so I would say go for it, pursue something with him, just do it GOD"S WAY. 

"for there is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death" 

Good luck my Sister in Christ,

Kristina  p.s. if you ever need to talk or want to talk about dating issues, I have been there!   I am 31 years old now and have dated and had my heart broken becuz of sex before marriage, and now I am doing things God's way and not my own way and am much happier.  If you need some more advice, please don't hesitate to message me or keep posting on these boards...sometimes it is hard to talk to other Christians in person about these type of delicate issues, for fear they will judge us!  Well, this is a judgement-free zone, as far as I am concerned.  You will get no judgement with me! 

[waffles]

Hey Kristina! Thank you so much for your advice because I've been praying about it and i dont think that God wants me to exactly avoid contact with this person. Infact, I'm sure He brought be to this person for a reason. I do have feelings for this guy (NOT the unGodly feelings, heck no lol). The only thing is, like someone mentioned earlier, I just want it so that when i date, it is for the sake of finding a LIFE partner, not just a boy toy. I'm 16 to clairify, and guys my age are very, you know...even if they are a Christian. I dont want to open doors for temptation or heartbreak. I've seen how people in high school end realtionships and they are not pretty. Oh by the way, i have talked to people who are older, and mostof them remcommended me not to date untill 19 or 20ish. I dont know who to listen to! 

[kristinaf]

Hmm that is a tough one (waiting until 19 or 20 to date).  I would say that has it's advanatages, because you are more mature by that point and have a clearer idea of what you want.  Guys at 16, wellll...aren't going to want to get married yet.  They may be more ready for marriage, at least one would hope by 19 or 20, but even then I am not sure to tell you the truth.  People seem to be getting married later and later these days and then tendency, unfortunately in our culture, is to date, become "involved", move in together, then if necessary, get married.  And then have kids.  That is the unfortunate pattern I have personally witnessed in most if not all of my friends (none of whom I mentioned who did this are Christians).  So where does this leave us?  I think the culture, however, around Christians is not like this.  I think it's much more marriage-centered.  So, my first bit of advice - find a Christian guy.  Rule #1.  You could try dating someone at 16, I personally was dating at that time.  There is nothing that says that you can't wait to be intimate until later on when you are married.  I personally waited to have sex until I was 19 (but I was NOT a Christian at that point in my life, not even close).  I was "waiting for love", but even then, it turned out to be a mistake.  I will go into that later if you really want to know about that one! 

So, I would say, you could try dating, but make the boundaries clear.  Very clear.  This:  but no    And make sure he is a Christian.  Is he?  I forgot to ask that...and I think it's pretty important to ask.  Kindof what my argument stands on...if he is a Christian, then he is alot more likely to want to get married when you are of "marrying age" at 19 or 20.  Not to say it's impossible for a non-Christian guy to propose marriage at that age...or any age lol, but I think it's harder.  I hope that helps.  Again, feel free to ask me anything about dating....I have been there.  You may want to read one of Josh Harris' books, they are all about dating from a Christian perspective. http://astore.amazon.com/joshharriscom-20 His books are entitled:  I Kissed Dating Goodbye.  (but gives alot of good info, and talks about his struglle "to date or not to date")  and Boy Meets Girl, which is also very good.

Kristina

[waffles]

After praying and reading the bible alittle bit, i think as of now, I'm going to be more patient about it. Ive come up with the conclusion that it is not WRONG to date right now, BUT if i do date, i cannot be as committed to God like the way i was when i was single. You know what i mean?
Siting my source: 1Co 7:34-35 "In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. 35 I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible." (NLV version)

I'm going to just give it some time, and let God lead me to where he wants this friendship to go. Oh and to answer your question, yes he is a devout Christian and has a very sincere testimony to back it up. :]