annoying situation for a young guy

[iamapirate]

ok, well this could turn out to be a long post. (first post - go easy!) There's this girl in my church who's in the year below (I'm 16 by the way) who I've really love! great personality, always makes me smile being around her, loves God. She's in a relationship at the moment with a non-christian who she doesn't actually love and wants to get out, but doesn't have the courage to (they've been together before, and thinks it probably won't change anything, etc etc.).

Basically I'm stuck in the position of wanting to help her out, but I'm worried that if I do, then ask her out, then she (and everyone else) will just think I was trying to get rid of him so i could go out with her.
I've actually really liked her for about a year now and have hesitated to do anything about it. i'm not sure if it's because I've never actually been in a  relationship before, or if God was telling me to wait. i'm starting to worry that if I don't do something soon, then I might not get a chance. Me and her have a really good friendship, so i'm also worried that if I do something too radical, then it would shatter whatever kind of friendship I have with her.

I'm getting a lot of mixed advice from people as well which doesn't help. Plus I really don't think that i can hear from God about this properly because of how involved my emotions are now!

She's a really great girl, and I want what's best for her most of all. I suppose I really only want to go out with her to be able to love her, because it feels like she's been mistreated by guys, and it's not a kind of 'feeling sorry for her' thing either.

I'm not quite sure what to do, so any advice is really appreciated.

Thanks,

Josh

[Joel, the Son of Pethuel]

This may just sound like "adult advice" or some junk, but please bear with me.

Are you ready to marry her? Are you ready to marry anyone? At your particular stage in your life, how would "asking her out" benefit you? How would it benefit her?

My advice would be to be a friend to her. Spend time with her. But leave romance at the door, so to speak. You'll both likely graduate high school, move on from each other, meet other people, etc etc. The more of your heart that you give away, the less of it that is left to give away to someone permanently (like to the woman that you end up marrying). And the more you dwell on girls that you'll likely never marry, the more they stick in your mind, and the longer it takes to get them out of your mind, and the longer it takes to emotionally detatch yourself from them.

I've liked a lot of girls. I've thought that I was in love with some of them. What it ended up being is that the girls really were great girls, but I was just infatuated with an over-idealized fantasy of what I hoped they'd be like if we were together.

I know how you feel. I still have hormones (although they're not as raging as they were when I was in my teens). I remember being in your shoes as vividly as if it were yesterday (people who are older aren't really all that old). But what I also know is where that road leads.

You, of course, don't have any obligation to heed my advice. But it's out there for you to do with as you please.

I hope it all works out for you, bro.

[chosenone]

Hi and welcome.
From a mum whose three children are quite a bit older that you I think that as she is going out with someone you need to leave her well alone. Its not nice to try to get somene elses girlfriend from them.
If she wanted to end this relationship with this other boy she easliy could, so why isnt she?Its her decision.If he is that bad then surely she would end it?Would you like it if a person asked a girl you were going out with to date them?
IF she breaks up with him, be a good friend and then pray about it,  but leave it till then. Even after that remember that you are both VERY young and have plenty of time for dating later on.

[yesult]

The more of your heart that you give away, the less of it that is left to give away to someone permanently (like to the woman that you end up marrying).

That and everything else said.

Dating is just play marriage and playing at it wears out your capacity and resources for the real thing.

[iamapirate]

Thanks a lot for all the help - chosenone: i wasn't thinking about doing anything at the moment, and I have enough morals in me to know not to go out with her if she's going out with anyone - whether I know him or not (which I dont ahha). I just feel a bit... not sure. - maybe this emoticon helps 

I've made friends with a really great christian couple who have just split up because they feel it's not the right time for them, and the whole time they were together they were being really restrictive and reading loads of book and listening to preaches, etc etc (they are the ones that seem super-holy) and they've been giving me a lot of advice, especially along the lines of yours, Joel.

I'm not really sure what to do in the mean time. I mean, i've got all this stuff on my plate, and I just kinda feel a bit mixed up. My (christian) parents seem supportive and are really happy for me, and considering that they lead a small group and used to lead a church I trust them as well. So I was really trying to get a wider view here, so it's not to 50:50 over what to do!

I'm still not sure what to do, so I'm waiting. Actively, of course...

[JohnDB]

Chances are she will dump him eventually or he will dump her.

You all are young...you will get your chance eventually...just wait your turn.

Yawl go through relationships like I go through oil changes...or get haircuts. (two a year)

[iamapirate]

you see that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid, John! i want my relationships to be meaningful and I'm trying to 'choose' (bad word choice - I really like her because she's nice to me regardless etc), but at the same time I don't want to miss out on my potential wife because I was too busy staying away from relationships waiting for bright lights in the sky telling me who my wife is. As you can tell i believe that it is possible to miss out on God's will - as there's a difference between God's will and what actually happens (murder, suffering etc etc) despite if he can see it, etc etc ramblings,

[Frostburn]

I'm kind of in the same situation, but not really. If you saw my post in here somewhere you'll see what I mean.

I'm not sure how its going to end up for me, I have done a lot of worrying lately. Its caused a lot of stress.

I just spent about an hour talking to God and reading His Word. It was very comforting, very. Although this seems so obvious, it is overlooked.

The hardest thing for me to realize in my situation is, God has bigger and better plans, NO MATTER WHAT!!!

As teens we may seem immature and ignorant but...

I will pray for you and this situation. I feel what you are feeling. Sometimes its beyond what we can do.

God bless.

[JohnDB]

Teens are anything but ignorant.

Actually most of the ones I meet are rather bright and intelligent. (OK..there are exceptions to every group...but for the most part most of them are anything but ignorant)

What it is is that in some respects you are young.

and your perception of time.

To me...it seems like I just got over last christmas...and now they are playing christmas carols again in Krogers.

To either one of you Christmas was a whole year ago...and a long time.

Where one person may just be warming up into a relationship the other person in that relationship may feel that things have gone  too slowly and are continueing on that path that is tooo sloooooooow for them.

Others...go really fast and are over in practically a blink.


I could tell you a story about a woman that I was friends with for a year and a half...and we finally got a date with each other....she vacillated all over the place even though we were and are still great friends.  (we got this rythm thing that makes our conversations unintelligable to anyone else but the two of us...LOL)

We had one date....it was sooo nice. I stole a couple of kises before she kissed back. And boy howdy was I not ready for when she kissed back. Almost bought the farm on that one. We came that close to doing something we shouldn't.  It woulda been so easy too. But...(you don't need to know anything more except we didn't marry)

We still are friends to this day with a lot of respect for the other one.  And it is going to remain this way. We have a connection that is unique and genuine. We have remained unique friends for years...ten years from now we still will be friends.  I have one friend from High School that still keeps in touch. fewer from college.

Real friends and unique friends are very difficult to come by. I highly reccomend that you make friends instead of romantic relationships.  Hormones make it very difficult...as well as your recent new found (within the past 6 years) ego stroke of romance with another person. I admit...it feels great. But it has a cost and price every time either one of you two gives your heart away like you have.

[iamapirate]

Well i've been asking around quite a bit. Someone said this:

"You ARE trying to get her away from him WHICH IS A GOOD THING! A believer should not be with a non believer whether she then chooses you or not.
Hearing God is a hard thing, most times we must step out in faith and God will then give the power.
Be honest with her, tell her what you have said here, talk it over, tell her you care for her. Maybe she doesnt want to end it with this guy because she doesnt want to be alone..you are not a mind reader, you will not know these things until you talk with her.
The other thing...women love to talk!! so learn to be comfortable doing it. Girls enjoy men that can speak their feelings, you evidentally can as you have done it here. Go for it, talk to her, together ask God to bless this relationship, whatever it turns out to be. Take it slow let it grow from friendship to something else if you both agree. The best part of any relationship is the journey together."



and in reply, from someone else:



"What the person above just said!!
I know it's hard to hear God as I have that same problem too.

And I don't know if you've heard about being led in the spirit and not the flesh? Your emotions are part of the flesh so it's important that you really pray about this to God because until God gives you the A-okay to have a relationship with someone - regardless of when we want it - he will want you to get closer to Him, mature in your faith through Him, and when He knows you are ready, he'll give you that opportunity. It's important that we remain single for God as long as possible.
I really hope you get clear with what you're supposed to do :)"



opinions?

[chosenone]

I think that it needs to be her decision as to whether or not she breaks up with her boyfriend (whether he is a Christian or not) and not up to another person to break them up just becuase they think that is right.
leave it to her to make her own decisions and just be a friend.

[iamapirate]

Thank you chosenone, that helps a lot. I think I'll talk to her about it and ask her honestly why she is with him. I think taking it further at this stage is too early for me, but if I find it goes that way then i'll take as an indication she likes me!

[tennman]

Thank you chosenone, that helps a lot. I think I'll talk to her about it and ask her honestly why she is with him. I think taking it further at this stage is too early for me, but if I find it goes that way then i'll take as an indication she likes me!

Be confident and lead. Be playful. Don't say what you can smile. :)

[JesusRocksMySocks]

If she's in this relationship because she's afraid to get out of it, or doesn't know how to tell her boyfriend that want to be in a relationship with him anymore, I'd suggest you (probably already do.. but anyways) pray for her loads. If it's God's will for you to be in a relationship with her then I'm sure something will happen between you either in the near future or future, but.. ya.. loads of prayer. That's a good thing :)

[pray for her]

i didn't read past
"i'm afraid that others will think...."

it doesn't matter what others might or might not think if you are sure what you should do is what you should do...

[TracyLove]

You're over thinking this.  Ask yourself one simple question:

Do you WANT to go out with her?

If you do, then what others think doesn't matter...they'll get over it.  You need to start being a Christian MAN, and part of that includes not worrying about what others think.

Oh, so your afraid they'll say something bad when you're not listening.  Let me tell you the big dark dirty secret about that.  That's what other people do when they are JEALOUS!  Better they be jealous of you than someone else...right?

-Tracy Love

[dekatko]

ok, well this could turn out to be a long post. (first post - go easy!) There's this girl in my church who's in the year below (I'm 16 by the way) who I've really love!

Do you even know what love is?

I will give you one piece of advice:
STAY AWAY FROM DATING!!!!!
What you experience now is NOTHING BUT emotional lows and highs produced by your hormones.

you are 16. If you start a relationship with this girl, is it for the purpose of marriage?
If it is not, then what business do you have going out with her?

I understand you like her, I was your age too.
What I can tell you about my experience:
PRAY!!!
I have never dated because I made a choice at 13 or 14 years of age to NEVER date until I meet the woman that is going to be my wife.
Well let me just say God completely blew me away by how He responded.
At 21 years of age I met the girl I intend to marry. Can you imagine how happy I am that I didnt waste my heart on just any girls? That I saved it for this one and only young woman?
That is precious.
What you want to get yourself into will not be....

[EmbsComputerArt]

Honestly dude, if she doesn't have the courage to leave a guy she doesn't want to be with then she still WANTS to be with him.  That's the truth.  It might not be what you want to hear, but if she didn't want to be with him she would have left him already without your help.