Porn in marriage - how to move forward?

[Ruby33]

My husband and I have been married for a year and have a new baby girl. During the time after child birth my husband had several instances where he viewed porn and masturbated.  Additionally, once we resumed sex, he did the same thing a couple of times because he says he didn't want our lovemaking to be short due to his sensitivity. When I found this out he was transparent about everything and asked for forgiveness. I have taken this harder than he expected as I feel like he 1) didn't wait for me, 2) brought images of women into our lovemaking (which he says he doesn't think of them when we are together) 3)made me feel undesirable (how can I compare to that body after just having a baby or ever?) 4) makes me think about what he's thinking about while we are making love 5) I'm unable to climax. A little more history, in his previous marriage, he did this often as he didn't want to have sex with his wife due to the nature of their relationship. I'm wondering is he going to do that now with me?  How can I move forward from this?  I hate not being intimate but I'm afraid of what will be going through my head.   

I appreciate your thoughts!   

[Ben]

Ruby,

I believe the last statistic I heard about men in general viewing internet porno was over 90% and Christian men was about 80% so you and your husband are not alone in this problem.  I realize that this statistic will not lessen the hurt you feel but it does show the extent of Satan's impact on us men.  I found my first porno magazine at about 13 years of age and was immediately hooked just as badly and surely as if it were cocaine but porno is more socially acceptable than is drug abuse.  Then in 1975 I received Christ and He began cleaning "His catch" but it took 33 years for Him to completely remove all desire for porno from my mind and life.  Why 33 years?  I quite frankly don't know.  I prayed thousands of times that He would remove my porno addiction and He finally did.  So I guess you need to decide right now if you are willing to wait for Jesus to do the same for your husband.  Hopefully He will cure your husband quicker than 33 years. 

A HUGE part of my problem was an abusive, hateful, mean spirited and unloving earthly father.  Because of him I apparantly felt that anyone with the title of "father" was not to be trusted so I was left with being able to trust in only two thirds of our triune God, therefore I was incomplete and this incompleteness delayed my entire sanctification.   It is also common knowledge that boys raised by unloving parents are much more prone to being sex addicts. 

My wife never stopped praying for me and she stayed beside me all these years and I am so grateful she didn't give up and leave me.  That would have just delayed the cure I believe, or even worse I may have given up on Christ completely.

Hang in there.

Ben

[Thankfulldad]

My wife never stopped praying for me and she stayed beside me all these years and I am so grateful she didn't give up and leave me.  That would have just delayed the cure I believe, or even worse I may have given up on Christ completely.

Hang in there.

Ben

Ben,

Thank you for your testimony!  Porn is an addition; tough to overcome...been there, and like you, Jesus delivered me from the pain too.

Sister...trust in Jesus; He is your pure husband and passion.  His love for you cleanses you from all your sin...and your husbands as well.  See him as God does, His child in need of grace and mercy; but most of all the love of Jesus.  You can either convict him, or you can love him...ask yourself...what has Jesus done for me?  Then, you can reflect His grace and mercy to your husband as Jesus did for you.

Human love demands performance...and your husband failed.  The love of Jesus is unconditional...and that is what your husband needs right now; unconditional love.  He will be free to open up to you then, because his life is not dependent on performance, he is loved unconditionally, and free to be himself.

Pray for him, love him, be open on honest with him about how this makes you feel; but, do not judge or condemn him..........love him

[Thankfulldad]

I'm wondering is he going to do that now with me?  How can I move forward from this?  I hate not being intimate but I'm afraid of what will be going through my head.   

I appreciate your thoughts!   

My dear sister in Christ Jesus,

There is no need to fear; the love of Jesus will drive out all fear.  Know that you are loved unconditionally by God...you are His dear child loved and cared for.  Trust in God, love God with all your heart; get into his lap and under His mighty hand.  What you husband cannot do (fill your heart with peace and unconditional love) Jesus can and does.  Place yourself under His mighty hand and He will lift you up.

What your husband cannot give you...Jesus does, and then you can look at your husband as Jesus does; with the love that never fails

Read 1Cor. 13 one million times (smile)...

[Wires]

Ruby,

You might try reading some of the self help books that explain the differences in how men and women are wired (e.g. "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus").  My wife and I have been married 25 years and we are still struggling to understand each other.  Men are extremely visually oriented, and in large part because of hormonal differences, think about sex a whole lot more than women do.  Because of these factors and the fact that porn is so much more readily available than ever before, it's an incredible temptation to men.  With a lot of prayer and determination (like never before) I've only managed to kick my own porn addiction a few months ago.  I started going to a church group (Celebrate Recovery) that is for people who have addictions of all kinds and was really surprised to discover that most of the men in my group are also struggling to overcome a porn addiction. These are all people you might see in church and would never think would be struggling with such a thing.

So if your husband has asked for forgiveness as you said and is genuinely trying to beat this thing, I would suggest that you try to understand things from his perspective and be supportive as long as he is doing everything he can.

[chosenone]

Ruby
I can understand how you feel .If my husband looked at porn I would be devastated. My first husband was into serious sexual sin (not porn) but I didnt know about it until the day we seperated. I actually doubt that 80% of Christian guys are addicted to porn, but I am sure there are a fair number.
If you were me I would get help, set boundaries and maybe have counselling together. It is clearly something that he has been doing for many years,and may have in part lead to his first marriage break up. I dont think that most men realise the terrible effect that looking at porn has on their wives, making them feel ugly, not good enough, dirty, used, and causing a very low self esteem. It is unfaithfullness in all but the actual physical act.It is bringing other women into the marriage bed.

Maybe because of my past hurts I would not and could not put up with it. If he repented and stopped, and agreed to have an accountability partner and have blocks put on the computer,and counselling, then I would be prepared to help and work on the marriage, but if he chose not to stop then as far as I would be concerned he has made his choice.   I cant understand women whos say that their husband has been into porn for 20 years, I would have gone long ago. Many women dont seem to be firm enough or set boundaries. I appreciate the difficulty of getting out of an addiction, but if they thought that their marriage was at stake, then maybe that would mean that they make the decision to stop and get help.  Everyone deserves help and a second chance, so I hope that your husband will get help now and realise the seriousness of what he has done.

From what you have said his porn use isnt that much(niot saying it isnt bad though), and you have a new marriage and a new baby, It is worth fighting for. Dont let Satan win and ruin another marriage through this terrible and damaging sin. get help,and support and prayer from others.

  God Bless

[admin]

Let's not kid ourselves though. This problem is not just something men struggle with. There are lots of women who do as well according to the research. In fact, a Christian group who studies this stuff said that women were the fastest growing viewers of porn and represented close to 40 percent of the viewers. It's a strong temptation for both once it's been viewed. Women are less likely than men to see it the first time but once that happens it seems their struggles are not unlike men's. So we all need to "take heed lest we fall."

[chosenone]

Let's not kid ourselves though. This problem is not just something men struggle with. There are lots of women who do as well according to the research. In fact, a Christian group who studies this stuff said that women were the fastest growing viewers of porn and represented close to 40 percent of the viewers. It's a strong temptation for both once it's been viewed. Women are less likely than men to see it the first time but once that happens it seems their struggles are not unlike men's. So we all need to "take heed lest we fall."

  yes I have heard that it is a problem for some women, but you never ever get men coming onto forums saying that their wives are addicted to porn. Also whenever someone tried to bring out a porn mag for women it was a flop, so that may say something.

[admin]

Some of that is because men are more aggressive in "scratching that itch" so to speak. A man isn't as concerned about what the person in the book store thinks of him for buying a skin mag. But to a woman, for anyone to know she was buying one would be unthinkable. So there are societal factors that have discouraged it more for women. Those things are being eroded away and with the Internet making it easy to view in private we've seen a rise in female viewing. But this is a little off the topic of the original post. So let's get back to focusing on her, offering suggestions and praying for her situation.

[chosenone]

Some of that is because men are more aggressive in "scratching that itch" so to speak. A man isn't as concerned about what the person in the book store thinks of him for buying a skin mag. But to a woman, for anyone to know she was buying one would be unthinkable. So there are societal factors that have discouraged it more for women. Those things are being eroded away and with the Internet making it easy to view in private we've seen a rise in female viewing. But this is a little off the topic of the original post. So let's get back to focusing on her, offering suggestions and praying for her situation.

Actually admin
That is a good point. It would be interesting to hear from men whose wives are addicted to porn, and how it affects them. I also wonder how many of the women who get into porn, do so because their husbands are into it also. (you often hear worldly people, say that it 'spices up' a marriage, which we know it doesnt.)