Christian dating advice...and this may be a first for some of you...

[frozennation]

Hello everybody,

My name is Matt and I'm 22 years old.  I've got a very complicated but potentially amazing situation in my hands here and need some advice. 

And the reason I said this may be a first for some of you is that because...I'm not a Christian. 
Let me rephrase - I'm not a Christian...yet.

Maybe that isn't a first for this site but I wasn't sure.

I was born and raised a Catholic for the first 16 years or so of my life but became upset with the church (as many young Catholics do) and walked away.  Since then I had been un-opinionated towards the Christ and the Lord - no issue with religion but no desire to go back to that because I had indeed had a bad experience.

So my situation is that I've been seeing this girl for a little while now who is a strong Christian.  We dated for a short while about 6 months ago but due to the fact that I was a non-believer it ended.  Which upset me greatly, for obvious reasons, as a this girl, this woman, is pretty much perfect for me.  We click on every other single level.  Her family really likes me (which apparently is rare with guys who have dated her) and my family likes her.  And it all just feels right.  So when we ended things it made me face the question of faith and the lord.  And at first I reached out desperately and tried to tell her that I do believe in God in a boy's effort to keep a girl close to him.  It didn't work though. 
And in a weird way - thank God it didn't.

I began to explore a personal relationship with the Lord and began talking to him through silent thought and prayer in my own time.  It was weird at first, something I hadn't done in a long time but as I continued to do this, it felt more and more normal and often very comforting.  This was a small step, I realize but the first of many. 

So about two months ago I tried to ask her out again, just one date to try again and talk to her about all this.  After this we realized how much we like each other and care for each other so have been giving things a chance and it has been even more amazing then before - everything fits.

I'm still not technically a Christian yet.  I've been reading Christian books and love what I read as much of it is what I already believed and valued but tied with a relationship with Christ - something I indeed am seeking.  I used to be afraid of the fact that joining a church of any kind might turn me into a Bill O'Reilly or some extreme right wing pundit.  An idea which is ludicris, and I see that clearly now.  But as I'm still not Christian yet I think she is still worried that it may never happen and that she doesn't want to feel like she's doing something wrong and neither do I.  I know she cares for me and wants this to work but the relationship with God comes first, and I know that.  Also, she had a bad experience with a former boyfriend whom she was with for a few years who never ended up caring about her beliefs which may have a lot to do with this.

I want to share in all that with her.  I do.  I even realize that dating someone is trying to find a potential mate, not just necessarily for fun, I'm definitely interested in getting married someday - something I believe, and also part of the reason I have willfully chosen to remain abstinent myself thus far.  I'm looking for a church and a place to worship.  I want to be the man she needs, and the spiritual partner she deserves.  But this does not happen overnight and so it's hard to reassure her, understandably.

So my question I guess is this: Is what I'm doing right? Is it possible for this to work? I've never felt this kind of connection with someone, she makes me want to be a better person every day.  And I've read everything about Christians dating non-Christians and all that and it makes sense but I want to be that for her.  I want to even the scales, as they say.  I am consciously seeking Christ for myself.  I've prayed about this too and it makes me feel better. 

I know that was long, but to anyone who takes the time to read this, I am truly grateful for any kind of advice or words of wisdom you may impart. 

Thank you.

[chosenone]

My thoughts on reading this are that she needs to ask God if she is to continue this relationship and not just go by what she thinks. Another thought is that you may need to just be friends for a while till things become more clear. Why not have, say, 6 months apart from any dating so that you can both seek God and His will for your lives.  Whether you decide to see each other at all during that time you will need to decide together, but if you do, keep it just an occasional outing as friends.
She is right to be concerned, as some people do seem to come to faith while seeing a believing partner and then after marriage it proves not to be real, and God is clear that we aren't to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. Its also clear that she takes her faith very seriously and wants to do what Gods says, and that is commendable and good.

By the way don't let one church or denomination put you off, go to another denomination, maybe one that is more relaxed and down to earth. I recommend a New Frontiers church or a vineyard church, that are welcoming and relaxed and usually have many young people of your age.

The most important thing that you are doing is seeking God,and if you do become a Christian then it needs to be because you want to. and not because you want this girl.

[IamStefanie]

Hi Frozennation,
Thanks for your post and your honesty. Now this is my opinion, and I'll do my best to keep it Word based. Now, the Bible tells us to do not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. So, it's not good for a Christian to marry a non-Christian person. And because God is first in our lives, whether married or single, if one person is a believer but the mate is not, then it causes ADDITIONAL issues in the marriage (beside the obvious that come with a marriage). So, I can understand why your friend is hesistant.

Now are you doing everything right? Well, how you feel about her is not wrong. You have a feelings for her and want to be with her. But again, is it in the will of God?

And I'm happy to hear that you have been praying more. That's where I was a couple of years ago. I was with a guy, we both believed in the Word but I wasn't a believer and I am almost sure he wasn't either (well, he wasn't living as such anyway I'll say). We loved each other but our relationship was at a standstill. But amazingly he did take me to church and I started enjoying the fellowship. And he and I broke up but got back together twice afterward, but it was never the same. It's like wanting to be with someone but knowing there is no substance, no purpose at that time. So, after I told him no more of us, I was actually reading a Christian book; and at the back of the book, the lady says something to the degree of 'if you have not accepted Christ, today is your day'. And I accepted Christ on that day!

And now, I know that as far as relationships, as much as I still love my ex and still oddly enough could see us together, he does not have Jesus first and I cannot go there. Any man, for me, must have Christ first in his life. I should be second. Because I want to be confident that whatever we go through, we BOTH know how to turn to the Lord and not the world.

So, my advice: work on yourself with Christ. Keep seeking Him and learning the truth. You don't have to go to a church to find Him first; but keep praying and He will direct you on what to do amazingly. And time will tell on whether you and this young lady will work. Because love never fails and if it's mean for the two of you to be together, then it will happen. If not, that's ok too. But take care of you and your soul right now.

May God bless you

Stefanie