Men - married...but still "burning"

[PatientMan]

Hang iin there husbands.  Hang in there HusbandseekingHelp.  It gets frustrating sometimes, but we have to continue moving forward.  The first thing is to strengthen your relationship with the Lord because without that you will not have the motivation or power to do anything helpful in your marriage.

Another thing I think will help immensely based on what I've seen in this thread is that we shouldn't look at or use the bible as a rule book.  Too many posts quote scripture as if they were Old Testament law.  That is neither helpful or the way it should be done.  The bible tells us that the law brought death and that it couldn't do anything to get us to God.  Therefore, we shouldn't use that because it will bring death into your relationship and yourself due to guilt, self-condemnation, and conviction.  There is no condemnation to those who are in Christ so don't set the stage to condemn yourself or others.  I also thing more time should be spent on helping each other and not attacking.  I saw several attacks on Pheobe, which isn't necessary when men are coming to this form for help not to be the third person in an argument between a couple.  Sure people have problems and are affected by past experiences.  However, it is best to stay focused on the topic, which is to help men in a very serious situation from a Christian perspective.

I still struggle with this issue and I don't know when it will be resolved.  My issue is not merely sex, but intimacy and togetherness.  My wife asked me before we were married what I expected from marriage.  I told her togetherness and understanding.  Those are the very things that I feel that I don't have.  However, my wife may thing things are fine. Perhaps we are two systems with differnt protocols judging each other based on our own. 

One post mentioned something about praying to god to remove the desire.  Been there done that, but as I explained in a previous post of mine that causes other issues.  Besides, it seems weird to pray for something that God has placed in us.  If we don't have sexual desires then perhaps that is a gift from God or simply hormonal or psychological issues.  This is no easy matter and many men fight with this.  Some suffer their entire lives/marriages with this issue and some bail out.  The issue isn't merely sex, but the lack of sex may be a symptom of something else going on.  It's complicated.

As I said in my previous post, perhaps there is a way for men and women to subdue the flesh and therefore overcome its craving for sex or sensuality.  I don't know.  The bible says that Jesus was tempted in all points just as we were and because of that he is able to help us in our situations (he can relate).  Therefore, I suppose Jesus had to deal with sex issues though not in marriage.  So above all we should seek Jesus for help and stop feeding our cravings. 

God bless you all and may you be greatly blessed, Husbandseekinghelp!

[LucasCowles28]

These are the scriptures in question.

1Co 7:2  Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
1Co 7:3  Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1Co 7:4  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.
1Co 7:5  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
1Co 7:6  But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.
1Co 7:7  For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.
1Co 7:8  I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.
1Co 7:9  But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Now to the women yes he did say this is not a commandment meaning it was Paul's opinion. I went to a marriage seminar at my church I believe it is a wife duty to satisfy her husband even if she does not like sex. If she can have sex and it is not painful then she should give sex to her husband. If it is painful she should find other ways to satisfy his sexual desire. It's just right, I am a man and it is very hard to stay pure after a week with no sex every girl start to look a little prettier those links you skip over that show the half naked women become harder to ignore. If you love your husband why put him through that temptation. i mean think about if it not painful,even if you don't want to do it let him get on, smile a little and wiggle your hips.

To the men women although some do most, do not have our sex drive but they have intimacy drive. this is were we have to do what we don't want we have to rub their  back, feet, what ever else they want or just hold them and watch a girly movie. And their night involve no sex unless the want it of-course but sex should be the way they want it not the way you want it. so man on their night rent you've got mail , butter the popcorn, and grab the lotion for the feet.Yes sex will be in your mind, yes you will feel like you are owed sex after sitting through that movie, but it is their night that is sacrificial love.

Bottom line if you really loved your husband and sex didn't hurt you would give him sex for his sake.And men if you really loved your wife you would be intimate without the possibility of sex. and sometime women want sex i have had sex with my wife when i didn't want to!(gasp) a man who gave sex when he didn't want to! women bed your men , men love your wife.

[PatientMan]

LucasCowles28.  That was very well said!  Thank you.

[happypromises]

Bottom line if you really loved your husband and sex didn't hurt you would give him sex for his sake.And men if you really loved your wife you would be intimate without the possibility of sex. and sometime women want sex i have had sex with my wife when i didn't want to!(gasp) a man who gave sex when he didn't want to! women bed your men , men love your wife.

I agree.  If there are no physical or emotional issues at work here, then out of love, you (or at least, I would!) do whatever I could to meet the needs of my husband.   The issue of course for women, without getting too graphic, is that is there is no sex drive or desire, certain parts don't get oiled (oops...too graphic...but you know where I'm going with this) and that can get real painful.  But even if there's no actual sex, there's 100 other ways to make sure your man isn't going crazy!   

For the author of the thread, I really feel for you. This must be so very difficult, but you seem to bear it with grace, so good on you.   I'd encourage you to not give up on the counselling though - don't assume that because your wife woudln't go through with it first time, that she won't at some point in the future.  I wouldn't be too sure that there wasn't an emotional issue playing out here.  It doesn't necesarily mean there was abuse or anything along those lines, but it could well be traced back to something she experienced in childhood....sometimes it can be something as simple as believing that sex is 'dirty', because an elderly relative told you so!  I suspect there are very few people who are simply born with NO sex drive at all - most (my guess here!) have had their sex drive messed with, because of life, emotions, physical problems etc.

So, you know, it's great that God has given you the grace to go through with this - but don't give up on the idea that this part of your relationship can be restored.  It can.  :)

[IamStefanie]

I hope the OP and his wife are doing much better. I believe in a marriage, the body of the wife and husband and no longer their own and they do share each other. The wife, although not physically attracted yada yada yada, should give her body to her husband out of marital duty. I'm glad the husband is so loving. For real, that sounds like a God thing.

[chosenone]

I think that what we need to remember, is that we CAN actually have sex even if we dont FEEL like it at that time just because we love our spouse and want to make them happy and please them. The old excuse of well I didnt feel like it, or I didnt have any sexual desire, is no excuse. We do it out of love and to be honest, if women refuse their man for months on end, they cant be surprised if they are tempted to stray.

[DaveW]

These are the scriptures in question.

1Co 7:2-9  

Now to the women yes he did say this is not a commandment meaning it was Paul's opinion.

The " ... permission ... not commandment..." applies ONLY to the subject of abstaining for the purpose of prayer. Paul's mentors in pharasaic Judaism adressed that issue a century earlier, deciding that one or 2 weeks was the MAX time allowable.

I believe it is a wife duty to satisfy her husband even if she does not like sex. If she can have sex and it is not painful then she should give sex to her husband. If it is painful she should find other ways to satisfy his sexual desire.

That runs so counter to the sexual teachings and attitudes in 2nd temple period Judaism.  They taught that sex was a wife's right and a husbands DUTY.  The Mishnah outlines how often the husband was required to satisfy her depending on how strenuous his occupation was.  If it was not too physically demanding, it was DAILY.

The concept of a wife not wanting sex was not even a consideration in either biblical texts or ancient Jewish writings. Therefore, other than these few verses in 1 Cor 7, it is entirely ignored in scripture.

BTW - the gender used in verse 9 indicates the "burning" to be adressed to the female, NOT the male.

[LucasCowles28]

I'm sorry, women forget about sacrificing for your husband. Be perfectly content to let him wonder how great it would be to have some physical affection. If you don't feel like it please feel free to not have sex please feel free to forget your body is not your own. Yes the burning verse is referring women.

1Co 7:5  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.

The above verse is for both men and women, hence "defraud ye not the other"  bottom line when your out to dinner after not having sex in a few months don't even think about slapping him if he stares at a cute women. If you find porn on his computer after no sex in a long time,look in the mirror.Dirty text on his phone don't get angry"the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak"

if in some crazy world my sex drive was nothing and my wifes was very high and she wanted sex and it's been a while and I told her no. Her fist thoughts would be am I fat? is he not attracted to me? Is there something wrong with me?Am i lousy in bed?...men have these same thoughts. But the bigger questions is do I really love my wife if I don't give her sex.

Then the peanut gallery "well you should sacrifice by not having sex if she doesn't want it". there a difference between sacrificing a four hour game(i don't watch sports) for a sport fan who likes that sport, which is reasonable.If i did watch sports I would give up a game for my wife. and giving up sex for months that's not sacrifice it's torture.

[DaveW]

I agree that 1 Cor 7 addresses both husband and wife, but it is the ONLY place in scripture that does.

The rest of it is him keeping her satisfied.

[LucasCowles28]

let me apologize to the women again. the bible only says it one time,let's just ignore it.It's not like the bible is the Word or God or anything.

[chosenone]

It is cruel for either spouse to deprive the other for long periods for no reason. It also deeply affects the marriage in a very negative way. as sex brings not only a physical connection, but also a spiritual one and an emotional one.So wives, if you feel that your husband isnt connecting with you emotionally, look at the sex. Did you know that men need sex to connect emotionally with their wives?Its true.

[Link]

To the OP,

Don't feel guilty if your wife is willing to have sex with you if she doesn't seem to get much out of it.  Focus on making it good for her when she does this.  What starts off as duty sex can turn into something that the person doing her duty does not want to end.  Sometimes a woman has a high sex drive-- but it just doesn't kick in at all until after sex has started, so if you ask if she is interested, she'll say 'no.' 

If your wife is okay with frequent duty sex that satisfy your 'burning' need, then do that.  If you need to schedule it, go ahead.  This is a need on your part.  I know a man wants his wife to be burning with passion and desire, and a man can long for that if it isn't happening.  Maybe if the man holds off long enough-- a couple of weeks or months or whatever, the passion might kick in when she realizes she needs something.  But if you have to go so long to see that, is it worth it?  If she gets used to being intimate with you frequently, though, she may feel like something is missing if it doesn't happen.  Having frequent sex can help her sex drive.

Also, even if she is giving you 'duty sex', there can be benefits for her.  Regular sexual activity helps balance hormones and stuff like that.  I've read about certain health benefits for women who have sex two or three times a week.  As far as moods go, sex can also be beneficial there.  If you have sex with your wife, even if she wasn't expressing a lot of interest beforehand, she may still have better moods and more balanced hormones.  If she is okay with having sex with you, for you, as frequently as you need it to keep your mind from temptation, then go for it. 


Even if she isn't all that passionate about it, but giving you 'duty sex', she can help you obey the passage below.  If she isn't that enthusiastic, it is good for you to be enthusiastic and enjoy your wife's body.  The following passage is on the topic of sex.  You need to rejoice...be enraptured with her love, and let her breasts always satisfy you.
Proverbs 5
15 Drink water from your own cistern,
And running water from your own well.
16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
17 Let them be only your own,
And not for strangers with you.
18 Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice with the wife of your youth.
19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
And always be enraptured with her love.
20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman,
And be embraced in the arms of a seductress?
(NKJV)

If you take the attitude that you don't want sex unless its passionate--on her side, and the passionate sex doesn't come, then you may be missing out on doing what this passage says.  You are supposed to be enjoying your wife.  Go ahead and do it. 

Now, if she isn't willing to give you frequent 'duty sex' that's a problem, and she needs to learn to obey the word of God.  If she does give you duty sex willingly, out of love for you, go for it.  Show her a lot of passion all the time, and a little of it may rub off on her, eventually.  You may find it starts out as duty sex when she decides to give you some due benevolence out of duty, she will warm up and it won't just be duty. 

[DaveW]

It is cruel for either spouse to deprive the other for long periods for no reason.

There is ALWAYS a reason.

May be a bad reason, may be an illogical reason, but there is always a reason. May be many reasons.

IMO it would be good to find out what the reason (or reasons) is. (are)