Marriage/Family Problems Increasing...

[AlvinC]

Hello all.  I hope that someone can help me with this because I don't know what more to do than I already have.  To begin, I have been married for 10 years to my wife (let's refer to her as Heather) and we have no children.  Heather and I married when I was 36 & she was 35 and we both had been married previously (no previous children either).  We are Christians and have been attending a Baptist church every week for several years now.  There is some friction building up between the two of us and I don't see any end to it.  In fact, I see it becoming more frequent and worsening. 

To begin, I have two brothers, one of which is having hard times with his job (we'll call him James).   James, age 38, is married with two children and we all regularly attend the same church.  Our father has been monetarily helping out James and this drives Heather crazy.  She has found this out mostly by talking to my step mother.  Her anger of this situation is getting so bad that sometimes I don't want to come home.  Granted she is not angry all the time, but when she is, it is like a nuclear detonation.  And if I don't share the exact emotional response as she does, she becomes equally angry with me.  The things that come out of Heather's mouth sometimes astound me.  I always listen to her uninterrupted when she is ranting.  I digest what she is saying and reply with what I believe God wants me to say.  I have always said I don't know the whole situation between my father and brother, but this seems to make her even angrier.  Heather says she cares greatly for my father and sees him as being taken advantage of.  In fact, Heather tells me she doesn't want to go to the same church anymore and have to sit by them knowing what she knows.

I don't like that James gets money from our father either because he is not actively looking for a new job or sought part time employment to subsidize his reduced work hours.  I have told this to Heather many times.  I could understand if he was beating the pavement looking for other opportunity and receiving help, but that is not the case.  James wife works part time at a day care and gets to bring along the kids for free.  Also I don't know if James asks for, or our father offers, the money.

It is not like our father suffers from dementia or any mental debilitation like that.  He is sharp, relatively well off financially and knows about James lack of looking for a new or additional job, yet gives him money anyway.  Our father has always told us as long as he is around, he will always help his sons.  Also, my father and step mother have separate finances, so it is not like he is giving out her money too.   I personally don't feel like I am being cheated either by not getting any money nor do I see that as less future inheritance for me.  I don't need someone else's money because I do pretty well financially.  Also, I feel like this financial assistance between my brother and father is none of my business.

In short, I feel this money situation between my brother and father is creating a growing problem for my wife and me.  I just don't understand how a situation between two other people can affect Heather the way it does and collaterally affect our marriage.  Some people I have talked to about this situation always looked puzzled as to why she gets so upset.  I have told her that even though I don't approve of the situation, they two are grown sounds minded adults and can engage in this type of transaction with or without my approval.  In addition, I have a very stressful job and I have to prioritize my concerns and really this issue between my brother and father is not high on my priority list.  This in turn makes Heather believe I am siding with my family.

Am I being an inconsiderate husband by not following suit with my wife on this money situation between James and our father?  I love Heather dearly and enjoy our marriage sans the brother/father drama, but I sometimes get physically sick about this and I don't see an end to it because I see there will always be something for her about which to be angry.  I have asked her in the past about counseling, but me saying that would be akin to asking her if she put on weight.  I have also spoken to our pastor about this and he suggested counseling as well.  Any prayers and advice is greatly appreciated.

God Bless

[larry2]

Hi and welcome AlvinC. Have you considered just keeping your mouth shut, nodding appropriately at her different rants as if you're listening, and above all agreeing much like a bobble head? It must be evident by now you're not in a position of control of this scenario, and next if you're not careful will come the tears, and who can possibly contend with that? Remember this: unless she is the one to think of and suggest it, you, your pastor, counselor, or a psychologist will not sway her determination.

[anx]

I would meet your pastor and wife asap to talk about this. This is an issue that absolutely should not be tearing you apart. Your father could be throwing his money into the wind and it shouldn't be an issue like it is. Your brother probably isn't doing what he should be, but that should in no way tear you apart.

Anger and care for money like this is a sign that her heart isn't where it needs to be, which is toward heaven. Nothing good or Godly is coming from this drama., and a pastor may be the only person that she will listen to to tell her to get that straight.

You could even argue from several standpoint that what your Father is doing by helping him financially is biblical. We are supposed to help believers in need, and if this is his future inheritance, why does it matter if he gets it now?

If not talk about this with your brother and father together with your wife. The only reason why this is building is there is nothing changing, and only resentment building. Something needs to change. Make that happen. Confront either you wife with your pastor or your family with your wife and talk about this.

Or make one big meeting with everyone and the pastor.

Blessings

[anx]

To try to convict you to action, I'll give you these verses.

Galatians 5

13 You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. 14 For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." 15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

We are given a very clear test for whats of the flesh (bad) and of the spirit (good). The flesh and spirit are always at odds with eachother, and your actions will fall in one of the 2 categories.

What I read in your story is you wife has hatred/jealosy, fits of rage, dissention. Her attitude and words are hurting love between you, both your joy, and your peace.

To me, its clear that nothing good or Godly is coming from this. Do what it takes to fix this.

2 more verses about this

Galatians 6:1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.

Mathew 18:15 "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.

You need to confront this sin in a gentle loving way. If that does not work, bring in more people to confront this. A pastor is a great way to do this.

[AlvinC]

Than you anx for the scriptural reference.  I have once again consulted with my pastor and he has recommended 2 Christian counseling groups, one of which I am arranging for a counseling appointment.  Unfortunately it will be only for myself since Heather does not want to go, but I still remain hopeful.  Also, there is a good sign that tomorrow James, his wife, Heather and myself are meeting for lunch.  Please pray for all of us that God will let his spirit be seen by all present and that any hard heart will be softened.

[anx]

I will pray.

One note about counseling / pastor. If you go to a counselor, you will probably have to chose a new one if you go together. If your wife sees the counselor as "on your side", it ruins any chance of something comfortable and safe. Like the verse says, you need to be gentle and loving about fixing this. She will never want to go to a counselor/pastor meeting where the person would tell her that she is wrong and needs to change.

Pray hard and tread carefully though the pitfalls this issue brings up. Its likely her heart will soften and thing will be good again. We all fall into the traps of the flesh at times, and she is not a bad person or bad christian for that. She just needs to be lovingly redirected towards a better path by her husband. Sometimes we can't see our own issues, and have a christian spouse there to help us with that.

[DiamondGal]

Hello all.  I hope that someone can help me with this because I don't know what more to do than I already have.  To begin, I have been married for 10 years to my wife (let's refer to her as Heather) and we have no children.  Heather and I married when I was 36 & she was 35 and we both had been married previously (no previous children either).  We are Christians and have been attending a Baptist church every week for several years now.  There is some friction building up between the two of us and I don't see any end to it.  In fact, I see it becoming more frequent and worsening. 

To begin, I have two brothers, one of which is having hard times with his job (we'll call him James).   James, age 38, is married with two children and we all regularly attend the same church.  Our father has been monetarily helping out James and this drives Heather crazy.  She has found this out mostly by talking to my step mother.  Her anger of this situation is getting so bad that sometimes I don't want to come home.  Granted she is not angry all the time, but when she is, it is like a nuclear detonation.  And if I don't share the exact emotional response as she does, she becomes equally angry with me.  The things that come out of Heather's mouth sometimes astound me.  I always listen to her uninterrupted when she is ranting.  I digest what she is saying and reply with what I believe God wants me to say.  I have always said I don't know the whole situation between my father and brother, but this seems to make her even angrier.  Heather says she cares greatly for my father and sees him as being taken advantage of.  In fact, Heather tells me she doesn't want to go to the same church anymore and have to sit by them knowing what she knows.

I don't like that James gets money from our father either because he is not actively looking for a new job or sought part time employment to subsidize his reduced work hours.  I have told this to Heather many times.  I could understand if he was beating the pavement looking for other opportunity and receiving help, but that is not the case.  James wife works part time at a day care and gets to bring along the kids for free.  Also I don't know if James asks for, or our father offers, the money.

It is not like our father suffers from dementia or any mental debilitation like that.  He is sharp, relatively well off financially and knows about James lack of looking for a new or additional job, yet gives him money anyway.  Our father has always told us as long as he is around, he will always help his sons.  Also, my father and step mother have separate finances, so it is not like he is giving out her money too.   I personally don't feel like I am being cheated either by not getting any money nor do I see that as less future inheritance for me.  I don't need someone else's money because I do pretty well financially.  Also, I feel like this financial assistance between my brother and father is none of my business.

In short, I feel this money situation between my brother and father is creating a growing problem for my wife and me.  I just don't understand how a situation between two other people can affect Heather the way it does and collaterally affect our marriage.  Some people I have talked to about this situation always looked puzzled as to why she gets so upset.  I have told her that even though I don't approve of the situation, they two are grown sounds minded adults and can engage in this type of transaction with or without my approval.  In addition, I have a very stressful job and I have to prioritize my concerns and really this issue between my brother and father is not high on my priority list.  This in turn makes Heather believe I am siding with my family.

Am I being an inconsiderate husband by not following suit with my wife on this money situation between James and our father?  I love Heather dearly and enjoy our marriage sans the brother/father drama, but I sometimes get physically sick about this and I don't see an end to it because I see there will always be something for her about which to be angry.  I have asked her in the past about counseling, but me saying that would be akin to asking her if she put on weight.  I have also spoken to our pastor about this and he suggested counseling as well.  Any prayers and advice is greatly appreciated.

God Bless

Well you yourself said you don't like it that your father is giving your brother money and you've told it to your wife many times.  So aren't you in fact feeding her frustration with the situation by bringing it up?   I would sit down with your wife when she's not ranting over this issue.  I would calmly state that you wish your brother would stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for taking care of his family BUT that you feel it is not your place to tell your father what to do with his money.  You might also add that you do not want to discuss this topic in the future and she may want to avoid talking about it too.  It's just something that annoys you both and it's something you cannot do anything about. 
Why was your step-mother talking to your wife about your father's and brother's finances in the first place?  Does she disagree with what is happening and she's looking to your wife for support of her feelings?  That should stop too.  It's not up to your wife to help your step-mom with her marital financial problems.  Your wife  might want to tell your step-mom that she understands how she feels, but it's not her place to discuss it any further. 

[Kindle]

I'm with DiamondGal on this. The step-mom may well be exaggerating the toll all this is taking on your dad, and even their financial situation.  Maybe a talk with your dad to clarify the situation will help.  A wise and loving child is a blessing to any parent.
You seem to have a good approach.. it is the parent's decision here.  It's their money.  But still, a son  (and his wife) can provide a father with true concern for his (their) own turmoil; though sometimes they may simply be unable to provide the answers themselves.
My in-laws provided monies to my husband's two sibs for years, leaving us out of the loop.  It hurt my husband, not because we needed the money, but it did appear to be favoritism. Still, he held his peace of mind, believing we were doing the right thing in not interfering.  It is the parent's own conscience here, and not a tally system of who gets what.  After some time, we got a huge check from his parents, and added to that, my husband (the younger son) was asked to be both the executor of their will and provide a home to my husband's mother following the passing of his father.  He had won that trust.
One never knows how things will pan out, but we can all look to rewards as being followers of Christ; in the next life if not in this one as well.  I don't have any other advice to offer, really.  But there is a prayer that I hope will help you and your wife.

The Serenity Prayer.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

[AlvinC]

DiamondGal    Posted on: May 14, 2012, 04:25:07 PM

The step-mom may well be exaggerating the toll all this is taking on your dad, and even their financial situation.  Maybe a talk with your dad to clarify the situation will help.  A wise and loving child is a blessing to any parent.

Thanks DiamondGal.  I do believe that is a catalyst to this problem.  I am not sure why my step-mother sees this as anyone's business.  I don't want to put her in a negative light because she really is a good person.  I think it is just gossip personally, and I think we all know what Christ says about gossip.  I think my father already spoke with her on this, but I need to follow up with him.

Posted by: anx    Posted on: May 11, 2012, 11:51:15 AM

Well you yourself said you don't like it that your father is giving your brother money and you've told it to your wife many times.  So aren't you in fact feeding her frustration with the situation by bringing it up?   I would sit down with your wife when she's not ranting over this issue.  I would calmly state that you wish your brother would stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for taking care of his family BUT that you feel it is not your place to tell your father what to do with his money.

Thanks anx.  Heather is the one that brings up the father/brother money grants.  I always try and distance myself from the conversation when she brings it up, but sometimes I am sucked into the dialogue.  Also I did speak with my father and for his giving money to my brother, he lovingly told me it is none of my business, which I replied to him I totally agree.

Thanks all for the input.  It is greatly appreciated.  Last weekend wasn't too good and Heather ended up sleeping in the guest room by her own choosing.  Sunday she started coming around and we are OK for the moment.  I alone did see a Christian counselor yesterday and I think that proved helpful.  He suggested I try and ask Heather to come visit next time.  I told him that it might take time for that to happen.  Also I have been trying to arrange a meeting between me, Heather, James and his wife.  That in my opinion really needs to happen.  Also coming up soon is James and his wife's birthday, so a party is soon to follow.  I will go, but it will be a little weird for me if Heather doesn't go.

Thank you all again for the kind words, encouragement and spiritual guidance.  I know that this is in Gods hands and I sometimes need the extra prayer to accept this.

God Bless

[NowFound]

I'm not sure I understand why you'd need to meet with your brother and his wife, if your father- the giver of the money - told you it was none of your business.  And you agreed.

Do you think your father would approve of going behind his back and addressing your brother?  Tread carefully or you'll end up making this issue and division cross into areas where it didn't originate.


Do you think your wife concerned that your father/stepmother are being taken advantage of?  Or is that just a platform that allows a battle of contentment vs. covetousness to take place?

[Lavender]

You spoke to your father about giving your brother money and he lovingly told you it's none of your business.  You told him you totally agree.  Since your wife is so upset over your father giving money to your brother, you could suggest she go to your father and tell him this.  He will tell her it's none of her business and maybe that will end it.   

[chosenone]

Tell her that you have no problem with it and that its up to your dad what he does. Also that if she isnt happy she is welcome to speak to her FIL about it herself.
Personally I am a great believer in absolute fairness with my children, and my parents were the same. If they helped one of us they helped the other. I think thats right myself, but then all parents arent the same. She may feel that he is being favoured over you (and of course he is in one sense).However it isnt her parents and her reaction is way over the top considering. 

[JohnDB]

Its sibling rivalry of a form.

Your wife and you have been the "good kids" & your brother's family has been the "black sheep".

As a result your wife feels neglected & unloved by your father.

Try a cruise with your parents & leave your brother at home. Explain the growing rift to your father & I'm sure he will understand.

Simple and easy for the squeeky wheel gettin all the grease & the good wheels getting none.

[AlvinC]

I'm not sure I understand why you'd need to meet with your brother and his wife, if your father- the giver of the money - told you it was none of your business.  And you agreed.

Do you think your father would approve of going behind his back and addressing your brother?  Tread carefully or you'll end up making this issue and division cross into areas where it didn't originate.


Do you think your wife concerned that your father/stepmother are being taken advantage of?  Or is that just a platform that allows a battle of contentment vs. covetousness to take place?

Thanks NewFound.  The reason I was wanting all of us to meet was to discuss and resolve this problem.  My idea of resolution is not to stop the lending of money, but to bring all of us back together.  Find out why this is a source of tension for Heather, who believes that James is a con artist.  James has told me he is not proud of asking for money and is looking for a new job.  Also he is a very good Christian man who dearly loves his family.  I do have other family members who are in prison and James is on the opposite side of the spectrum from them. 

You spoke to your father about giving your brother money and he lovingly told you it's none of your business.  You told him you totally agree.  Since your wife is so upset over your father giving money to your brother, you could suggest she go to your father and tell him this.  He will tell her it's none of her business and maybe that will end it.   

Thanks Lavender.  I thought about that, but Heather is pretty dead set on believing my father is aloof of the matter.  As for Heather speaking to my father about the matter, I believe that would be like mixing two volatile chemicals together which would produce an explosion, which would create even more problems. My father is a sharp individual and he has told me he would give his last cent to anyone of his sons.  My father has always thought of others before himself.

Tell her that you have no problem with it and that its up to your dad what he does. Also that if she isnt happy she is welcome to speak to her FIL about it herself.
Personally I am a great believer in absolute fairness with my children, and my parents were the same. If they helped one of us they helped the other. I think that's right myself, but then all parents arent the same. She may feel that he is being favoured over you (and of course he is in one sense).However it isnt her parents and her reaction is way over the top considering. 

Thanks chosenone.  In the past and currently, my father has not played favorites.  He in the past has helped me and my other brother in times of financial need.  Right now he is helping my brother and I don't see a problem with that.  Also I don't see my other brother having conflict with this either.  Plus, I can't agree with you more about Heathers reaction.

Its sibling rivalry of a form.

Your wife and you have been the "good kids" & your brother's family has been the "black sheep".

As a result your wife feels neglected & unloved by your father.

Try a cruise with your parents & leave your brother at home. Explain the growing rift to your father & I'm sure he will understand.

Simple and easy for the squeeky wheel gettin all the grease & the good wheels getting none.

Thanks John DB.  I am not sure this is a case of sibling rivalry.  My brother James is a very loving and generous person.  I have talked to him about the issues Heather has with him and he is saddened about how she feels.  He says that she is still part of the family and still cares for her.  I on the other hand do not see this father/brother lending as me not "getting my share".  If my father was giving my stuff to my brother, then that would be a problem, but since it is his own money, I don't have any ground to stand on.  Nor do I harbor any covetous feelings.  Even if this money lending situation bothered me, if I were to intercede with my father about the money lending, I can guarantee it wouldn't go well because it would end up causing a rift between my father and I.  I guess I am in damage control mode.

Thank you all again for your thoughts and prayers.  I still remain optimistic, but I leave this issue in God's hands.

God Bless