Just too different??

[MrsMorgan]

I'm really looking for some open, honest Christian advice. A little background info: My husband & I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. We have one child together. We are both Christians although I was raised in church & my husband became saved a year ago. Over the years we have been thru so much. I could go into details but I don't want to write a book. I think its important to know that my husband had a really rough childhood where I was more sheltered. The problem is I don't think that we have enough in common to continue a fulfilling marriage. I'm currently the one thats financially supporting our family and have been for majority of our time together. My husband takes care of our daughter when she's out of school. When I get home, he usually leaves either to visit friends or family members. Lately, he's cut it down to 4-5 times a week as I have complained about us not spending enough time together. Sometimes we visit a couple on a weekly basis but when we do, we separate, the men hang outside and us ladies sit inside & talk. However, my husband is not happy to cut down his time to hanging with friends and has done so only to make me happy. In a happy world for my husband, he would go hang out everyday with his friends as he is always "trapped in the house". Long story short, our idea of marriage is totally different. I would like to be with my husband most of my free-time and of course hang out with friends every now & then. He would rather spend hang with his friends most of his free-time & spend time with me every now & then. Also, our sex life is ok. It's enjoyable but I always initiate sex & my sex drive is a lot higher than his. I prefer to have sex 2-3 times a week & he prefers it once every 2 weeks or so. We are in our early 30s. Lastly, he used to lie a lot but had stopped for a while now. Now again, he is beginning to lie & any trust I had in him has gone out the window. I'm hurting so bad and feel unloved, unwanted and that I can no longer trust him. Some of the issues we have keep reappearing. Were great for a several months then back to the lies & running the streets. Also, he is bi-polar and this has been difficult to.deal with. We've done marriage counseling (clinical & pastoral). I'm ready to give up because I'm thinking we are just too different? I feel like asking him to change is asking him to not be himself. Same for me.  Has anyone else experienced these problems? Should I just move towards divorce so we could both be happy?

[johndoo]

Have you done or read "His Needs , Her Needs".
Part of your post relates to issues where no one is right, you just have different preferences.  Compromise is usually the answer to those issues.

Truthfullness is actually within the  "openness, honesty" need and one that is pretty important to many of us. 

This approach of course works if you are willing to try to work toward pleasing your spouse and saving your marriage.

The bipolar disorder certainly is difficult but none of your post sounds like bipolar. 
Some of it sounds like immaturity.

[chosenone]

I agree with John in that compromise and working together is the answer.I cant agree that being different is a reason to end a marriage, or if the marriage isnt fullfilling enough. I can see that him being out so much will make you feel ignored and lonely, but few guys actually do well being a parent at home, and perhaps that is why he is desperate for such company in the evenings.
Could you get a sitter at least once a week and go out together? Could you consider him working and you being at home, or maybe both working part time?

[MrsMorgan]

Have you done or read "His Needs , Her Needs".  no I haven't.
I will look into this.
Part of your post relates to issues where no one is right, you just have different preferences.  Compromise is usually the answer to those issues. I agree. I'm willinng to compromise but when we reach an agreement for example 3 days a week he could hang with his friends, the other 4 days he "s usually angry with me as if I'm holding him hostage.

Truthfullness is actually within the  "openness, honesty" need and one that is pretty important to many of us.

The bipolar disorder certainly is difficult but none of your post sounds like bipolar. 
Some of it sounds like immaturity.

Thank you for your advice. I will look into the his needs her needs and continue to pray for guidance.

[MrsMorgan]

Thanks for responding. I do know that it is hard for him being home instead of working. He doesn't work because its hard for him to find a job with criminal background and unsteady work history. We do the date thing from time to time but really its like he does it for me but its not really what he wants to do.

[anx]

Saved a year ago, criminal background, bi polar, and a rough childhood all sound like a lot. Have you seen change in him since he has become a Christian? It may not be quick but is there change? Are issues creeping back after getting somewhat better after he was saved?

I dont know your story but 3 to 5 years is when many couples have a hard time. Someone gets fed up and is ready to leave. It happened in my marriage. You have a lot of good reasons to be fed up, but I think the better path is the one of hard work to make it happen. It sounds like you have worked hard up to this point.

When you talk about being unhappy, what does your husband say? Did counseling improve your marriage? Have you told him you are seriously considering leaving?

[MrsMorgan]

Yes, he has gone thru a lot. I have noticed a change in him since he became a Christian. He became a better husband/father/person. This lasted for about 8 months, then he began to revert back to some of his old ways. That lasted for about 3 months, then back to di have toldoing the right things.  Although he worse time spans are smaller, some of the consequences have a large negative impact on our marriage.

There's a lot more to it but I will say that we have struggled thru our marriage from the beginning.

I've told my husband of my unhappiness, he basically tries to smooth me over. He's not completely inconsiderate, but in the end, he's gonna do what he wants and what he wants is to "hang out & kick it" in his words. He thinks I should just be ok with it. Counseling did work for a while. But I feel like we shouldn't have to see a counselor every week forever just to make our marriage work. I guess the underlying issues still unresolved.

I havent told him I'm considering leaving because I really don't like to throw that around unless I'm truly at my wits end. Otherwise, he would never take me seriously. I've just been praying & thinking but so far haven't found a solution.

[anx]

Are his friends christian or stable people in happy relationships? Im guessing they aren't, and are a strong draw to the life he is leading that is hurting your marriage.

The solution probably lies mostly with him and the condition of his heart. From what little I know about his past, he is likely going to have a hard time transitioning from his past to a good christian husband. That doesnt mean impossible. It likely will take a lot of sacrificial love, boundaries, time, and God. It sounds like there has been good improvement but back sliding, which isn't surprising given his past.

I think you are smart to not throw around words like leaving and divorce. However he also needs to know the truth about how serious this is said in a loving but firm way. Men often need things said plainly and clearly to get it even if there are signs and hints everywhere. Tell him you love him, are at you wits end, fighting thoughts of divorce. Tell him there was improvement a then backsliding(probably several times).

Be blunt with boundaries but give him a path back to a good marriage. You need to do something. It sounds like it will only get worse if not addressed. Do what is right, Godly, and good. That might mean talking with a pastor and him again or just plainly telling him the facts of where things are at. He decides what to do from there. He may once again improve of may just quit. You are not responsible for his actions, but make your own words and action good and Godly.

There are several good books on boundaries in christian marriage. It may be a good read for your situation. It sounds like your husband likes to test and push boundaries often.

I think your marriage can be good. Your husband needs to find new priorities. Its not hopeless, but will require more work. Even if getting this far took a ton of work, that wasn't wasted. It sounds like some things are improved, but not where they need to be yet.

Blessings.

Edit: Also, if its possible to get involved in a small group at your church, I would highly suggest it. If your husband made some christian friends that he respected, it may make a huge difference. If another man came to him and said that he should stop hanging out and kicking it, it would affect him more than you asking the same thing a thousand times.