So much anger after he cheated

[LovingHim]

To be honest I have been staring at this screen trying to find the words. But it seems just to let my mind wonder will be the best but it will be long. Last year my husband had an affair. It was brief but damage done. He is active duty military and met her while on a four month deployment. The affair only continued one month past once he came home (so it only last three months total). I had gut suspicions literally when it first started because he was calling me less and then a friend of his on the deployment posted all these pictures of the group doing things together. I saw that the two of them were always standing with eachother. I have never been jealous or doubted my husband's faithfulness until that moment, something deep in me said something is not right. But against my better judgment I shook it off. Then right before he was to come home he said he needed to talk to me about his feelings.

He came home and gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love you speech." I was devastated. I have loved this man with everything I have and have two beautiful children with him. I asked him if there was someone else and he said he was feeling emotionally connected to someone else. He wouldn't tell me who but said nothing had happened, it was just someone he was talking to. After being home a couple days he moved out of our bedroom to the den. I wanted to believe him but my gut was telling me he is lieing. After he had been home for a couple weeks I noticed he had become even more withdrawn, finding excuses to leave the house when he was supposed to be on leave spending time with the kids at least. Finally I pulled our phone records and saw a number he had been calling and texting with in excess. So I swiped his phone while in the shower and he had wiped it clean of all texts and call record. So I went through his contacts to see who the number was and confirmed it was the woman in the pictures when I had my first gut feeling it wasn't right.

I confronted him, he denied, said she's married with a kid, nothing is happening. I told him even if nothing was going on it was inappropriate how much they were talking and it needed to stop ASAP. He refused. A couple days later he came home early crying about doing me wrong, that I was 100% right the entire time with every confrontation. He was even shocked when I stated I knew it started between them in June. He said it ended between them that day (when he came home and confessed). I said I do love him and would work on our marriage. The next day all heck broke loose.

The next day he came home and said he just couldn't give her up. I completely lost my temper. I laid a full verbal assault on him, I have never in my life been this angry. I threw him out and called a divorce lawyer. Later he told me that after I threw him out their relationship didn't feel right anymore. He was out of our house for three days before he broke things off with her again and begged to come home. On that third day I prayed to God for myself for the first time in a very long time. Typically when I pray, I did it for others because I truly felt blessed with my life (and in my prayers I did thank God for what I have). I begged God for help and guidance because him being gone just didn't feel right. My husband called literally an hour later.

We are working on our marriage and going to counseling. My husband has asked me not to talk to our pastor until he's ready, and I told him I would respect that. He told me that when we were first fixing this, that affection between us didn't feel right because he felt like he was cheating on her. That he knows she can make him happy. That what they had was very intense. After months of no progress I almost threw him out again. I couldn't get those hurtful words out of my head. He wasn't answering my questions about the affair. How they bonded.

That's when I remembered I had her number, so I called her. And she has disgusted me to my core! Yes she was apologetic and was remorseful what she did with my husband. But then she admitted to me how they bonded. She bonded with my husband by talking about God. Talking with him about the bible because he felt he couldn't talk to me about it. Then she actually prided herself about being instrumental in him being saved. I asked her how could you bond with him over God, then be there to save him and then committ this sin with him, tainting him after finding God? She actually had the gaul to say to me, "The situation didn't just taint him, it also helped me find God's mercy and grace." I'm livid at this point. How could she? How can she say that my husband made her compromise all of her values, beliefs and morals (yes she said that) when she is just as guilty? I do not downplay my husband's guilt in this but she actually put all that on my husband. She told me they went to church together after everything happened and she thought God would be okay with it because it felt right to be in church with him. I had to get off the phone, I was disgusted. That night when he got home I laid into him. How disgusting it was what they did in the lord's house, the lies.

Again he begged me to keep trying at our marriage. The problem is that he says he still doesn't love me and I know it's because he still has feeling for her. I know he's still thinking about her. I cannot seem to tame this anger and disgust I have. How can he really be attracted to her when what their relationship was founded on was wrong in God's eyes in every way? I am beyond angry when he says she's still a good person and good christian. She says she will not tell her husband because he will leave her and she will loose her congregation because her father in law is the pastor. He still hasn't said he is sorry for what he did. He has only said he's sorry for hurting me. Please I need help with my anger and some advise with all this mess.

[johndoo]

There is deep anger because there is deep hurt.  What has been done is wrong.  It's pretty clear.  Perhaps he is being honest in how he feels.  It is obviously hard to hear.

It doesn't mean that there isn't hope.
If you are both willing to go to counseling and  work on the marriage, there is hope.
Even if you think the part about being able to talk about God is completely ludicrous, try it.  See if good conversation is something that your husband wants and that you can foster.
Learn about his needs / love languages. 
If he won't go to counseling with you, go by yourself.
You can learn to deal with your anger better and even one person working to save the marriage can be powerful.
God bless you during this struggle.

[chosenone]

Hi lovinghim
Just some jumbled thoughts from what you have said.

When someone comitts this act of terrible betrayal, there is bound to be deep deep hurt, anger, rejection and many other emotions.You are being NORMAL.
I agree with you that supposedly leading someone to God by committing adultery with them is quite mad. You are also right that she made a decision to cheat on and betray her husband just like your husband did wth you. No one forced her, and she is equally responsible. I can so understansd your anger when he says she is a 'good' Christian. I am sorry but a good  Christian with morals and integrity doesnt sleep around with other peoples husbands and betray their own husband.

He feels that he doesnt love you, because he has mistaken the feelings he has for her in this intense illicit secret affair as love. He is now missing that lust and excitment and there fore still feels he doesnt love you.

MY strong feeling is that her husband needs to know that his wife cheated on him for 3 months. He has that right to know, and if she looses him and her congregation then that is the consequense for doing what she did. Its a very serious thing and has very serious consequenses.

Many marriages do not survive an affair not surprisingly, so well done for trying to make it work. Until your husband is completely repentant, prepared to talk to you about what happened and is 100% committed to making it work, its hard to see how things can be rebuilt. Its good that you are going to counselling, and maybe you can go alone for a while to speak about all these feelings of such deep hurt. Do you have one or two mature Christian ladies at your church who you can talk to and pray with?

He also needs to be 100% open with you re his phone and email accounts etc. Your trust must be shattered and that will take a long time to rebuild.

Lean on God and ask for His clear guidance and direction in this.

[Gracey]

Anger is totally normal - please don't beat yourself up about it.  It is part of the process that we all have to go through, when we have been cheated on.

I think though, that you need counselling just for you.  YOU need to get healed and be repaired, before you can work on your marriage.  Two broken people don't make a great union, that's for sure, and the anger that you feel, may well push him away and create more problems.

I guess you have to ask yourself first of all, do you really want to be with him, to continue in the marriage?  After all that has happened, do you see a future together still?  What would be the 'perfect scenario' in all of this?  You are totally within your rights to end the marriage but is that what you really want?

If it's not, then take your poor, wounded broken heart off to a Christian counsellor, who can help you find a legit way to express all this rage and hurt.   You're obviously busy if you have children, but try and do things just for you, to help re-build your self esteem and again be reminded just how precious you are in Father's sight.   Betrayal makes us believe it is all about us, that we are not good enough, that we're too fat, too thin, not pretty....and much, much more.   But you are still the woman he married - he's hurt you unbelievably but if you do want to repair the damage, then start with you, not him.    When you are on the way to healing, you will be able to make an informed decision about what best to do, but when you're raw and screaming inside, you decision making will be faulty.   

There is always hope.  But start with building yourself up first and then see where this road takes you.

p.s If he didn't love you, he wouldn't be trying to work on the marriage.  Clearly he does not want to lose you.   

[gracey71]

There is a huge difference between being sorry you did something and being sorry you got caught. If your husband is still claiming he doesn't have feelings for you, his sorry is about getting caught, not that he did it. He would be trying to make it work.

[LovingHim]

Sorry I was gone for the weekend. When I make the kids stick to the no technology rule, I have to abide by it as well, lol.

I have no problems talking about God. I was actually raised a lot more religious than him, church every Sunday, went to Catholic school and was raised by my very religious grandmother (not bad at all, sweetest woman on the earth). I think what he thinks is my lack of faith was the falling out I had with the Catholic church. When I became older I was just so disconnected from the word of God. I have since then found a new church that I LOVE and love going to every Sunday and volunteering at. He goes to this church too and enjoys it (his twin brother goes there and recommended it to us), but when Sunday comes around he'll start up excuses not to go.

Starting up excuses to not go after he bonded with her talking about God, feeling I couldn't talk to him about his wisdom, love and grace just makes me want to pull my hair out. I am very concerned about his soul. He has not once repented for what he did. How can God show him his love and mercy, cleanse him, if he doesn't ask for forgiveness and really mean it?

I feel like I'm losing him. He has this wall up, shutting me out. I am meeting all his needs (love languages) and he says it's just not having any affect on him. He says I am doing everything right, but he's not feeling anything still. This weekend I asked him to name something he loved about himself and he said he could name a few things he liked but they could always be improved. I then told him, he's devaluing himself to much. I then went on to name off his strengths, intellectually, emotionally and physically. He told me to stop because he didn't deserve that kindness from me. I then asked him why can't you see my kindness is a gift, please stop devaluing it because you feel undeserving. I'm still giving it to you. Then I told him, if you can't love yourself, how are you going to love others? Then I asked him a question that I shouldn't have but I did. I asked did you love yourself when you were with her? And he said yes. My anger reared its ugly head but I kept my mouth shut. But I feel like this angry is stripping away my love for him, my kindness as a person.

Last night he looked upset and I asked him why. He said because if he doesn't start feeling something soon he's going to have to move out. We'd be separated but able to go on dates but if he's still not able to feel something then he's going to lose everything. He's going to be alone. Being alone is a huge huge fear of his. He said he's not going to have anybody who cares for him. I told him he has lots of people who care for him. He said it wouldn't be the same. When I asked him why, he just started crying. He never answered, I just held him while he cried.

[NowFound]

Here is my take on his position, I may be wrong but I don't see it in the posts.

He hasn't taken full responsibility of his actions and asked for forgiveness.  Asking to work on the marraige isn't the same thing by a long shot.

Are you seeing a Christian counselor?  When I was going through counseling there was a process laid out.  I don't want to mess it up, but this is along the lines of how it was explained to me.

http://www.peacemaker.net/site/c.aqKFLTOBIpH/b.958153/k.7417/Seven_As_of_Confession.htm

This will be really hard for him.  Not making excuses, because this is totally on him, he made choices and took actions based in selfishness and sin.  But if he wants to be free of it, he needs to admit what he's done, ask for forgiveness and repent - and he needs to do it with God.  I suspect he has to really look at his relationship with the Lord, and see if he really has one.  It's way different to know about God versus asking Him to be the Lord of your life.

I can't advise on your anger but I commend you for not letting it overwhelm your concern for his salvation. 

[Bring the rain]

I left you a privet message.  Please read it.  God Bless... I'm praying for you both.