Withholding sex...is this right?

[Jsunshine]

Okay, so I have been going through things with my husband for a while now and we'd get into it and i'd resolve not to have sex with him until he started treating me better. I failed previously, but I am going to try this again. My husband and I are both Christians and recently I returned from a trip with our child that he refused to go on for several reasons, but he calls me out of my name and cusses me out. He then insults me on several levels and recalls that he has previously told my father that he does not want to be with me. That is not love and I don't see that I should have sex with a man that doesn't love me and isn't committed to his vows. So, no matter how hard this may be, I have decided that until something drastic happens with his behavior (or we split up), I will not partake in sex with him.

So my question is: Is it wrong to withhold sex from your spouse, especially in cases like this where their behavior is not becoming of a loving partner? Am I obligated to "submit" to him when he comes to me desiring that I "fulfill my marital duties"?

Any advice, comments, etc. are welcome.

[Lively Stone]

Hi J!

If you don't want to, he cannot make you. If there is no love between you, and he or you have abdicated your vows, then sex is definitely not something that will pass between you that God will revel in, is it? I am not of the belief that a sexual encounter will generate feelings of love when one or both spouses are failing to love. Love is what we do outside of the bedroom. Sex needs to be put on the back burner until you can work out your priorities. Don't leave him wondering, either. Tell him you are closed for business until Christian counseling is received and things are showing themselves to be improving.

[JohnDB]

Sounds like your marriage is in trouble.

Chemical dependency,
Anger management issues,
Career/employment issues,
Relationship issues,
Parenting issues.

and you claim that all this is coming from this guy.

Why are you the one carrying him?
Why is he not being a Man and providing for his family?
(Paul said some really not nice things about a husband who won't provide for his family)

Withholding sex?

I would take the baby and run...run very fast and very far away. And when I had landed in a state with good divorce law that favored my side...sue for divorce then.


But chances are that this isn't the whole story. And where on this forum we only hear from you and your side of the tale...he might have some gripes as well. Men can have their behavior just as disjointed from the things that cause the bad behavior as women can.

IOW...My wife wants a sip of my coffee even when I offer her a cup...just because it is my cup of coffee. 

In that same disjointed fashion guys can behave similarly and poorly from something driving it.  Are your comments building him up? Stroking his ego? Or are they degrading and cutting? Do you ask when reminding kindly or is it more along the lines of nagging?
(yes us guys need reminding but not nagging...big difference)
Is your respect for him obvious and blatant to him? Or just everyone else?

[johndoo]

Withholding is a bad approach.  It continues the cycle of "love busting". 
I strongly encourage marriage counseling as a better approach.

[chosenone]

Withholding is a bad approach.  It continues the cycle of "love busting".  
I strongly encourage marriage counseling as a better approach.

hey johndoo, I was just about to mention counselling and you beat me to it

jsunshine. While I can understand totally that you dont want sex when your husband is treating you badly, I think that it needs to be done as part of a time of counselling, and you both working on the marriage. If you just say 'well I am not going to have sex until you change', I cant see anything happening. However, if you say that you are very unhappy in the marriage, and that you want to work on improving things together, but for the time being you feel that you just cant have sex until this process has got underway, then that may make him feel more willing and open to counselling and putting in some effort to building up the the marriage.  What do you think?

[Cally]

1 Corinthians 7:5 Don't deprive one another, unless it is by consent for a season . . .

[Jsunshine]

So many good things said here, I will address things one by one.

I have told him before that I am closed for business, but he has never respected the boundaries I set, therefore I was not able to keep my word when I said it previously. He just said that I won't last long and left the room. At this point we aren't sleeping together, as usual but he always seems to manage to force his way back into the bed with me.

But chances are that this isn't the whole story. And where on this forum we only hear from you and your side of the tale...he might have some gripes as well. Men can have their behavior just as disjointed from the things that cause the bad behavior as women can.

...

In that same disjointed fashion guys can behave similarly and poorly from something driving it.  Are your comments building him up? Stroking his ego? Or are they degrading and cutting? Do you ask when reminding kindly or is it more along the lines of nagging?
(yes us guys need reminding but not nagging...big difference)
Is your respect for him obvious and blatant to him? Or just everyone else?

You are correct, this is not the whole story. There is a whole lot that I have left out of my posts and then there is his side of the story. I admit that I have not been the most uplifting wife for a while so I am to blame for my mouth and inconsideration with my words. When I know it's going to be bad, I don't talk...but then again it's not like my husband listens to anything but the bad anyway. I also have to say that I have a hard time respecting him just based on some of the major things that he has done to me (i.e. calling my dad if I don't behave the way he wants me to. What the??, but there are worse things). But I take responsibility for my part...I got pregnant and became really awful to him during the first half of my pregnancy. He returned the favor and we've been on this messed up course ever since. I've been trying to improve myself and find ways to respect him and give him positive reinforcement, but it's hard. He is upset about my behavior in public towards him, when I just want to talk about things, he is so concerned that someone will hear and not say anything and my frustration shows, I don't hide it (I am really so wrong for showing emotion in public?). He won't talk about major issues at home, he won't talk if we're out eating, he won't talk in the car, he just will not talk!!! I am at my wits end. I fail to see anything that I did so bad to warrant the way he treats me. And he expects me to act like everything is okay in front of his family when I just feel like he rather be with them than me and our child. it's like we're a second thought.

For those that recommend marriage counseling, here is the story about that. We were going to marriage counseling, but my husband decided that he no longer wanted to go to this guy because he was giving advice that he did not agree with. So my husband decided that he would take responsibility and find us another marriage counselor. I've been waiting for almost a year for him to do that, so because I had enough of waiting on him, I took the liberty of emailing a Christian counselor that would do it for free using my husband's email address. There was a response but my husband refuses to reply and claims that we just do not have the time to go to counseling. We are both full time students, but it's something that he refuses to do. The other day he claims that his classes and internship helps counsel him, but it doesn't. He is going into Alcohol and Drug counseling but we need something completely different. I am considering going into counseling without him.

[chosenone]

So are you saying that he takes drugs and drinks a lot? Or has he stopped that now?
When you say that he forces himself back into bed and back to having sex with you, what does that actually mean?

[TJW]

To deprive him of sex is a very bad idea.

it's not like my husband listens to anything but the bad anyway

The "interpretation" of what people in a close relationship say to each other is determined by "context".

EXAMPLE:

W:  "your hair is a mess"

Wife has said "your hair's a mess".  However, what H hears depends upon the CONTEXT of the relationship as a whole.

The guy who had rollicking sex with his wife last night, and couple nights before that, and couple nights before that, will hear:

"my hair's a mess"

The guy who is refused sex will hear

"she hates me and doesn't want to have sex with me because of the way I look."

The alcoholic who is refused sex will hear

"she hates me and doesn't want to have sex with me because of the way I look which I CAN'T CHANGE"

When marital problems are placed into a context of refusal, the complexity goes up remarkably.  The message becomes intertwined with other emotions
created by the refusal.

I admit that I have not been the most uplifting wife for a while so I am to blame for my mouth and inconsideration with my words.

Ok.  So the question becomes, what are you going to do about this?

You can take  two choices.   

One, you can do nothing.  In which case, there is a GUARANTEE that your relationship to your husband will not change.

Two, you can start, with God's help, to modify your behaviour, and become the "most uplifting" wife there is.  Then, there is no "guarantee" that your husband will change.  However, you will open the POSSIBILITY of change, and ASSIST in the change.

Which one will you try?   Door #1...... or Door #2.....??

Behind door #1, you are part of the problem.
Behind door #2, you are part of the solution.

[anx]

You need to get back in counseling. That is a somewhat separate issue from sex. Get that to happen hopefully without sex being the Trump card or reason why that happens. After that happens, then I agree that no sex isn't a good idea.

[epiphanius]

Jsunshine,

I agree with TJW on this:

To deprive him of sex is a very bad idea.

Since it is bound to lead to resentment, and end up making a bad situation worse.

Besides, as you stated:

I have told him before that I am closed for business, but he has never respected the boundaries I set, therefore I was not able to keep my word when I said it previously. He just said that I won't last long and left the room. At this point we aren't sleeping together, as usual but he always seems to manage to force his way back into the bed with me.

So, you've lost on two counts here: first, by establishing a rule that diminishes your relationship (over and above anything he has done), and second, by allowing him to violate your rule.  If you work with a counselor, you may be able to figure out why you're not able to enforce this rule, but you may also find out why this is not the best approach, and work towards finding a better one!

I admit that I have not been the most uplifting wife for a while ... But I take responsibility for my part ... I've been trying to improve myself and find ways to respect him and give him positive reinforcement, but it's hard.

This is why counseling is important--it really is hard!  By getting counseling yourself, though, you may be able to find ways to re-open the lines of communication that would otherwise remain closed.

May God's blessing be with you!