thinking about divorce, lacking in faith

[2bloved]

Where do I start....
I've currently been married to my husband for almost 4 years and not one of those years have been good. Latelt,  it has taken a huge toll on me mentally and spiritually and I just feel as if I'm ready to go. While I'm not lacking faith in God, I am lacking faith in my husband. We are attending counseling which he thinks is pointless. While we're there he acts as if he understands the problems, but when we're home it's back to his old ways. I've communicated with uom as well as the counselor my issues and he just doesn't seem to get it.

I know I can't change my husband or make him want to change. I've read that I should pray to God to change hin, but my heart is so torn that I don't even know if I want things to work at times. I'm extremely unhappy and depressed most days that I would just rather leave than wait on him to change.

However, what I do pray for is for God to lead me in the right direction and to me it seems like the direction is tovlesve. I'm confused because I never really know when or if it's God speaking to me. I've been to church services, had dreams, and sudden realizations that maybe I do need to leave. How will I know if it's truly god speaking to me?

I guess this is just more of a vent because I'm just so lost as what to do. Every bit of me wants to leave, but I'm conflicted because I guess it isn't the Christian thing to do. If you all can offer and prayers or advice I would love to have them.

In closing I hope you all understand what I'm saying. I was just in one of my moments snd I needed a place to release. Sorry for any grammatical errors as I'm on my phone.

[JohnDB]

I know them days...recognize the tone of your post well. Been there and done that.

You say that you have been married for four years and all of them have been bad...My initial question is that what was it that you seen in him that caused you to love him to begin with?

Did his behavior change to where he no longer did those things or thought those things? Or do you think him guilty of deliberate deception to entice you into marrying him? (Everyone tries to downplay their bad behavior during courting and relax and let them all show when married)

Were you more enamored with the idea of being married than the man you married? Are you still?
(everyone has their good points but overall what do you think of him?)


In what manner is he making your life miserable? Disrespect? Abuse? Neglect?

Does he understand the full consequences of not going back to what he portrayed himself as being when you two got engaged and married?

[chosenone]

2bloved
What is it that is causing you to be unhappy, and why did you marry him if was that bad? Its hard with this 'hearing from God',  because so often we tend to hear what we WANT to hear and for you this seems be that you need to leave.
Unlesss there is adultery or serious abuse of some sort, I cant see why God would be saying that you should leave, because you would have no reason to divorce him.
Is your husband a Christisn and are you getting Christian marriage counselling?

[2bloved]

Things were great in the beginning until he had to start providing for me.
I'll admit that we didn't do things right, and we had a son very early on in our relationship. Due to complications I had to quit working and once we moves in together problems kind of started from there.

He doesn't treat me the way he did when we were dating at all. Back then he made me feel loved and as if I was his world. Now he treats me as if I'm a burden and his child. He talks down to me and yells at me often. He never did those things while we were dating


Yes, I think I just wanted to be married. I had always told myself that I wanted to be married by a certain age. Throw a kid into the equation and that made me wanted to be married even more. Now, I know that thinking is wrong, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

I would say that I'm being emotionally abused. As I said earlier he often talks down to me and treats me like a child. He also treats me as if I'm dumb. Instead of asking for things to be done and he will often command me to do those things. He very rarely asks.

He doesn't see how he's change and just brushes it off. One thing I can honestly say is that I fully communicatey feelings to him. I feel that he just doesn't grasp it or doesn't care too.

I know them days...recognize the tone of your post well. Been there and done that.

You say that you have been married for four years and all of them have been bad...My initial question is that what was it that you seen in him that caused you to love him to begin with?

Did his behavior change to where he no longer did those things or thought those things? Or do you think him guilty of deliberate deception to entice you into marrying him? (Everyone tries to downplay their bad behavior during courting and relax and let them all show when married)

Were you more enamored with the idea of being married than the man you married? Are you still?
(everyone has their good points but overall what do you think of him?)


In what manner is he making your life miserable? Disrespect? Abuse? Neglect?

Does he understand the full consequences of not going back to what he portrayed himself as being when you two got engaged and married?

[2bloved]

Many of those question I answered in the last post which will help you to understand some things better.

I would imagine that God wouldn't tell me to leave, but I can't imagine staying with someone who's not going to change. This is where I get confused....just because we are married, is my husband who God intended for me to marry? I know we have free will so how do I know that I didn't follow God's will. Being that we are married, is God going to bless our union even if we weren't initially meant to be together?

He is a Christian and we aren't in Christian counseling, but I'm not sure of my counselors denomination.

[chosenone]

Many of those question I answered in the last post which will help you to understand some things better.

I would imagine that God wouldn't tell me to leave, but I can't imagine staying with someone who's not going to change. This is where I get confused....just because we are married, is my husband who God intended for me to marry? I know we have free will so how do I know that I didn't follow God's will. Being that we are married, is God going to bless our union even if we weren't initially meant to be together?

He is a Christian and we aren't in Christian counseling, but I'm not sure of my counselors denomination.

Whoever we marry, we are in a covenant relationship with that perosn, no matter whether they are the one that God wanted us to marry or not. We made promises to them. I know that people can use that as an excuse to leave, but it makes no difference. I am sure that a very large number of people marry partners who God never wanted them to marry. 

Sadly it seems that you married a man far too soon, because you had a child. Sadly also there are consequenses to such things.

  If you dont feel that the counselling isnt helping, then it may be an idea to ask your pastor if he knows a good Christian marriage counsellor. 

Get that book called 'The Power of a praying wife' by Stormie Omartian and pray those prayers for him every day.

[Lively Stone]

This is where I get confused....just because we are married, is my husband who God intended for me to marry?

It's a little late to be concerned about that, now, don't you think?

I know we have free will so how do I know that I didn't follow God's will.

Did you seek out God's will? Only you can know that.

Being that we are married, is God going to bless our union even if we weren't initially meant to be together?

God is all about marriage and He is the third party in the marriage and it is because of Him that it will work---if He is invited in.

Rather than asking God to change your spouse, it is best to ask God to change you. When you change and become more of the person God has designed you to be, your husband will respond to that in ways you never thought were possible.

[Lively Stone]

Get this book!

"Lord, Change Me!" by Evelyn Christenson

http://www.amazon.ca/Lord-Change-Me-Evelyn-Christenson/dp/1564760545


HOW TO BECOME THE CHRISTIAN YOU REALLY WANT TO BE

Evelyn Christenson writes, "I have discovered through the years that surprising things happen when I pray, 'Lord, change me--don't change my husband, don't change my children, don't change my pastor, change me!... More and more the fact comes into focus that they, and not I, are responsible before God for their actions. But I am responsible for the changes that need to be made in me."

Eveyn's fourteen-month spiritual adventure in learning how God changes people became the exciting story of this book. First published in 1977, "Lord, Change Me!" has surpassed one million copies in print and continues to help a new generation of Christian women--and men--experience the spiritual transformation God commands in Romans 12:2.

"Lord, Change Me!" outlines seven methods of real, inside-out change as well as ways to check to be sure it is God who is doing the changing. And woven throughout are Evelyn's wonderfully transparent accounts of how God taught her and her loved ones these nuggets of truth.

[2bloved]

@lively stone
With your first response, that reminded me of my husband...the smart remarks. I know it's too late, but like I said I'm at a point where I'm confused and just trying to seek out answers to better understand things.

No I didn't seek his will.

I've asked for change and guidance, which brings other questions but I honestly can't deal with the rhetorical questions right now. If I read it wrong, I apologize.

[JohnDB]

@lively stone
With your first response, that reminded me of my husband...the smart remarks. I know it's too late, but like I said I'm at a point where I'm confused and just trying to seek out answers to better understand things.

No I didn't seek his will.

I've asked for change and guidance, which brings other questions but I honestly can't deal with the rhetorical questions right now. If I read it wrong, I apologize.

You didn't read her wrong...just rather normal coming from Lively.

But in the meantime instead of reading some books you would rather we gave you some practical advice for the near term. (am I right in that?)

for some background info:
Most likely your husband feels rather trapped and cornered about the situation he is in and takes it out on you. It isn't completely your fault (and he knows that) but he is equally to blame for the situation you two are currently in.

Likely, if there is some kind of counseling at your church he wouldn't attend any sessions to begin with out of embarrassment for his behavior. so getting him to your counseling sessions is going to be a must. Disciples of Christ usually have a counseling office in every major city and some in minor cities around the Country. (they specialize in non-condemnation to a degree I find ludicrous at times) They also usually have financial aide for couples in financial straights...they wish you to pay something but it won't be the full cost.

So you need to "go out of character" for the near future. You are going to need to be rather "terse" in your dealings with him....even bordering on the mean. (I can see the gasp and refusal in your face...stop it)

Guys work off of respect...and reminding him that he needs to respect you is the precise thing that needs to happen. He will respect you but you need to respect him as well and not let your passivity allow him to think otherwise. You need to let him know how you are valuing every last dime he brings into the house in the form of a paycheck...how every contribution he makes to the family is really appreciated by you. DO NOT teach your child to fear his/her daddy by saying things that teach them to fear. IE "be careful daddy is angry/tired/grumpy right now so be quiet or else he will....."

All the while remind him of his passion for you in the beginning. Remind him that you never raped him or even could. Remind him of how much your child loves him and is a blessing from God. Inform him that he could have more of what he wants around the house if he would allow you to feel more relaxed and less micro-managed all the time. Also inform him that a single parent after divorce income is half of what a person really needs to live on.


The main reason I am saying this is that all you have tried up to this point hasn't worked...and so it is time to go ballistic on him. You can't be your normal self.
If possible go and get a job...help support the family financially. Don't find excuses why you can't...find a way to make something happen financially. (Thats how most do it)
(Nothing illegal either)

[Lively Stone]

@lively stone
With your first response, that reminded me of my husband...the smart remarks. I know it's too late, but like I said I'm at a point where I'm confused and just trying to seek out answers to better understand things.

It wasn't a smart remark, as much as JohnDB would like to encourage you to think that.

[p.progress]

Dear sister,

It is very, very late, when I came upon this thread. So have little time to be more specific and thorough.

Please do not allow the Enemy to rob you in the things of God, that will in turn cause you to lose heart.

"Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God." [Rev.3:10]

"Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

"And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.

"Follow peace with all [men], and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble [you], and thereby many be defiled;" [Heb.12:12-15; 1-11; Isa.35:3-4]


If God created a "one flesh" union between you and this man (who you call your husband - and if you came together lawfully according to God's ways); then that means he is your husband and you his wife; and as scripture declares you are "bound" for life...for as long as he lives.

That fact is not to be viewed - and it is important not to view that fact of scripture, through the prism of one's transient emotional state (or 'feelings' as they say).

Meaning, to be reminded that one is "bound" to one's husband at this time perhaps ["For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to [her] husband so long as he liveth"; "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth"], while in the midst of experiencing unpleasant ('negative') emotional upheavals in one's (your) relationship, naturally would not and does not readily elicit joy I am sure, but perhaps rather the opposite. But stick with me here.

To be told or reminded of the permanent nature of this relationship, when one has become 'unhappy' and 'disillusioned' (perhaps) with ones spouse in the husband and wife ('marital') relationship...well, I can certainly understand the desire not to be reminded of this let alone celebrate this fact. But instead, want to recoil from hearing anything that may bring this fact into sharp focus (painfully sharp focus perhaps). One may begin to wonder and even wish there is a lawful 'way of escape'...a way to sever the bonds that were established by God, when he made you "one-flesh". But to be clear and frank here: the blunt truth is that there is not. There is no "way to escape"...not in that sense of how the flesh may seek a way of escape.

Yet there is a valid "way of escape" for the temptations that the enemy may at this very moment be assailing you (wrapped within his 'fiery darts' [1Cor.10:13; Eph.6:16; 10-18]).

So while this familiar expression from scripture doesn't apply - that is, it doesn't provide a promise to escape from what "God hath joined together". Yet it does provide a way to escape what it does speak to - falling prey to temptations and the Enemies schemes - if and when we are alert and diligent to recognize what the real issues are, and deal directly with these things, through the weapons God provides.

So when facing disappointments, disillusionment, grief, sorrow, trials, or suffering afflictions; and then the temptations to fall away (to some degree) from the way of truth. It is within our grasp to cry out to the Lord to receive grace (power and the will to do HIS will) in our "time of need".


Perhaps someone may ask: Why doesn't or why can't I apply this expression ('a way to escape') as a promise to be able to separate from the source of the trials I am facing? Simple....for a number of reasons. One of the most obvious reasons, being that the context of this expression - "a way to escape" - speaks of God providing a way to escape...NOT though from divinely decreed, divinely ordained and divinely established relationships; but God will provide a way to escape from failing to overcome temptations and adversities, through single-eyed (focused) love for God and the grace of God that comes as a source of power to those who yield in humility to the work of God in their respective lives. That is to say: We all need to come to understand that contrary to some who teach otherwise, suffering is part of God's plan for you (for us all).

We were promised and thus warned that "we must through much tribulation, enter into the kingdom of God" [Act.14:22]; that "all that will live godly in Christ Jesus, shall suffer persecution" [2Tim.3:12]; and he "that suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin" [1Pt.4:1], and even as Christ said himself to the disciples "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world" [Jn.16:33]. There is this ever growing and over-spreading insidious error which is actively working to leaven out those in the ekklesia of God; and insidious error which seeks and is being successful in undermining this important work of Christ in us; a work who's desire is for our eternal welfare, and to that end its goal is not primarily to secure for us a sense of temporal happiness; but rather to prepare us for eternal and everlasting peace and joy.

All this to say that your claim: "While I'm not lacking faith in God, I am lacking faith in my husband" is not true. To contemplate dissolving the horizontal relationship you have willingly entered into with this man - your husband, on account of the things you are experiencing (for better or worse) - specifically, the things you are suffering. Is a manifest lack of healthy sincere faith; and inextricably linked to this, is a lack of solid scriptural (spiritual) single-eyed hope; and where these are weak and sickly, so is the condition of one's heart.

Love, if of a conditional and temporal nature, is not love at all - not the sort of love that God calls all to develop and choose to display in this life to others.

If you are confused or angered by what I say here, think here a moment, do this:

Examine yourself, for yourself; do so measuring and comparing yourself [2Cor.13:5; 10:12] against the words of both Christ and Paul (not to exclude Peter here [2Pt.1:5-11; 1-4; 1Pt.2:18-3:6]. But I will only quote what the Lord inspired Paul to layout before us all. See how your thoughts and actions measure up to them here.

Before doing so though, let me hasten to add here that, we are not born mature ("perfect")...we are not re-born by the Spirit mature ("perfect"). But we are not given the 'privilege' or remaining immature, nor are we free to turn back from growing in grace and or Christ's divine character for that matter. WE are to grow "from glory to glory" [2Cor.3:18] . We are to grow in grace and the knowledge of Christ and God...this does not speak merely of 'cerebral' attainment of 'Bible' information and 'facts'. But rather the main point is to grow in the experiential knowledge of God, to learn to 'know' him, who he is, in an intimate way.

But to the passage. Examine your thoughts, words and actions towards your husband under the magnifier of these poignant, ever practical and powerful words:

"Charity suffereth long, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

"Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

"Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

"Charity never faileth: but whether [there be] prophecies, they shall fail; whether [there be] tongues, they shall cease; whether [there be] knowledge, it shall vanish away.

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these [is] charity."
[1Cor. 4-8,13; 1-13]


If you are honest with yourself and with God, you know exactly what the Lord is quietly but powerfully and clearly unfolding before your minds eye concerning your thoughts and plans with regard towards your husband, as you read and let these words sink in and do their work.

Are you at all familiar with this portion of a passage found in one of John's letter? I quote it only in part:
"...and his commandments are not grievous"

How can his commandments not be deemed grievous...heavy in weight...burdensome
...severe, stern, weighty, cruel, unsparing, when they are so-o-o-o-o hard to fulfill? I believe they are only as hard, proportional to how much we have not been diligent to keep a fervent loving relationship with Christ and God the Father. Read the full sentence (passage) and then read all that came before and follows after for context sake [1Jn.5:3; 4:12...5:3...]. 

I'm confused because I never really know when or if it's God speaking to me. I've been to church services, had dreams, and sudden realizations that maybe I do need to leave. How will I know if it's truly god speaking to me?

How will you know if and/or when God is speaking to you? When you saturate yourself in the written Word of God - which written Word are not dead letters, but living letters, the living oracles of God...they are spiritual Words, God's own Words. You must first familiarize yourself with with, and become sure that you understand what God's Word is saying on whatever the subject you are seeking light on. Be diligent, patient and thorough in your studies of the scriptures.

As for 'feeling' that perhaps you 'need to' leave. Let these words assure of God's will on the matter:

"And unto the married [believer to believer] I command, [yet] not I, but the Lord, Let not the [believing] wife depart from [her] [believing] husband... ...And the [believing] woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her [i.e.the believing wife] not leave him."  [1Cor.7:10, 13]

"Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

"While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear.

"Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

"But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

"For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

"Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement."  [1 Pt.3:1-6]


See the 'trust issue' that has been addressed in this section of Peter's letter?

The focus of too, too many woman is their imagined 'need' to 'trust' their husbands. For many, if they 'feel' or 'know' they can't trust their husbands, they then think...well, that is somehow grounds enough to "put asunder" [depart; sever, separate from] their (horizontal) relationship with their husband.

Yet God does not say 'trust' is the 'need' of the wife'. Is it something that would be a very great blessing and something that would promote good will, appreciation and security in the mind of a wife towards her husband? To be sure.

But what if this trust has been broken or never existed to begin with (whatever the area of trust one is speaking about)? Does God still expect a wife to fulfill what he instructs and commands her to pursue in her relationship towards her husband? Yes. This is obvious as you read and reflect upon all that is being expressed in God's Word as it instructs the wife and the mindset and behavior she is to have and display towards her husband.

The trust is not to be in her husband, but in God. If in God, there is no way she can fail to think, do and hope properly before God and towards her husband. It is not dependent upon his behavior towards her; but her trust in God's promises and behavior towards her!

How else can a wife endure the grief and trials and afflictions that may come as a result of a husband that is disobedient to the will and ways of God? Observe though, the call (commands and instructions) of God which Peter enumerated in his letter to woman, who are exactly in such circumstances and facing such situations.

See other passages that speak of similar things to wives. Pull out a concordance and do a study on wives.

Again, the commands will seem grievous if one's heart and mind are not firmly established and grounded in the first priority of God for us. That he be and have the preeminence in our hearts and lives. Love, honor and fear the Lord first and the rest will take care of itself as your grow in the knowledge of both the scriptures and the relationship God seeks to have with you.   

I'm extremely unhappy and depressed most days that I would just rather leave than wait on him to change.

Unhappy? Depressed? Where do these attitudes and mental-slash-emotional states originate from? Read what scripture says about peace and joy. What causes depression? Is it depression you are experiencing; or something else?

Blocked goals...unrealized expectations: these are two things that lay at the root of what we call depression. If we have unrealistic expectations or goals, it would be logical to develop these emotional and mental conditions. One can experience sorrow and grief and yet maintain peace and joy in the midst of these. That is the heritage of the children of God in this world! It is a fight at times not to succumb and surrender to these things that assail us in this world. But Christ did say: Be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world". Find that passage and read the whole of it through several or more times and think on it.

We are in a fight, a fight of faith.

Paul was not merely waxing poetic when he spoke of the armor of God to the believers in Ephesus. There is a battle in full sway for the minds, hearts and souls of men and women. Do you want Satan to succeed in blinding you to the nature of the real issues behind your struggles in both your marriage and your life - and the life of your husband...and the life of this culture, society and nation for that matter? Do you want to be weak and let him spoil (rob) you of your faith, your hope and the love of God, that God first planted in your heart for Himself and that of your husband? Or do you want to run the race and win the prize?

One thing you CAN do is fulfill the will of God for you towards your husband - as Peter presents in 1 Peter 3 - and just be careful to do so with no expectations that you will win your husband, only focus trusting God to bless you for just being faithful to do as he instructs you. You'll sense the joy and peace growing in you as you do; leaving the results to God regarding your husband.

He may never come to grips with what the Lord is calling him to fulfill as a husband. But you'll find that whether he does or doesn't, your peace, your joy, your 'fulfillment' is not     
dependent upon what he does; but what God is doing to you.

Don't wait for him to change for you to experience a change. Let the Lord transform you as you are I am certain aware he desires to do just that (as Paul beseeches the Roman believers regarding: Romans.12:1-3; Tit.3:5 and James 1:21-22.


Way long here.

Nothing is said save to encourage you here. I hope you receive in that way.


p.p.

[2bloved]

This gave me a LOT to think about. I really appreciate all of your insight!!

Dear sister,

It is very, very late, when I came upon this thread. So have little time to be more specific and thorough.

Please do not allow the Enemy to rob you in the things of God, that will in turn cause you to lose heart.

"Be watchful, and strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die: for I have not found thy works perfect before God." [Rev.3:10]


"Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees;

"And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.

"Follow peace with all [men], and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:

"Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble [you], and thereby many be defiled;" [Heb.12:12-15; 1-11; Isa.35:3-4]


If God created a one flesh union between you and this man, you call your husband; then that means you are bound to him as long as he lives.

That fact is not to be viewed through the prism of one's transient emotional state (or 'feelings' as they say). Meaning, to be reminded that one is "bound" ["For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to [her] husband so long as he liveth"; "The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth"] in the midst of experiencing unpleasant ('negative') emotional upheavals in her relationship, does not readily elicit joy, but rather the opposite.

To be told or reminded of the permanent, when one has been 'unhappy' and 'disillusioned' with ones spouse in the husband and wife ('marital' relationship)...well, I can certainly understand the desire not to celebrate this fact and instead, wonder and even wish there is a lawful way of escape...a way to sever the bonds established by God, when he made you "one-flesh". But there is not. There is no "way to escape". Why doesn't this familiar passage apply (1Cor.10:13)?

Simple. For a number of reasons. One of the most obvious reasons, being that the context of this expression - "a way to escape" - speaks of God providing a way to escape...NOT though from divinely decreed, divinely ordained and divinely established relationships; but God will provide a way to escape from failing to overcome temptations and adversities, through single-eyed (focused) love for God and the grace of God that comes as a source of power to those who yield in humility to the work of God in their respective lives. That is to say: We all need to come to understand that contrary to some who teach otherwise, suffering is part of God's plan for you (for us all).

We were promised and thus warned that "we must through much tribulation, enter into the kingdom of God" [Act.14:22]; that "all that will live godly in Christ Jesus, shall suffer persecution" [2Tim.3:12]; and he "that suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin" [1Pt.4:1], and even as Christ said himself to the disciples "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world" [Jn.16:33]. There is this ever growing and over-spreading insidious error which is actively working to leaven out those in the ekklesia of God; and insidious error which seeks and is being successful in undermining this important work of Christ in us; a work who's desire is for our eternal welfare, and to that end its goal is not primarily to secure for us a sense of temporal happiness; but rather to prepare us for eternal and everlasting peace and joy.

All this to say that your claim: "While I'm not lacking faith in God, I am lacking faith in my husband" is not true. To contemplate dissolving the horizontal relationship you have willingly entered into with this man - your husband, on account of the things you are experiencing (for better or worse) - specifically, the things you are suffering. Is a manifest lack of healthy sincere faith; and inextricably linked to this, is a lack of solid scriptural (spiritual) single-eyed hope; and where these are weak and sickly, so is the condition of one's heart.

Love, if of a conditional and temporal nature, is not love at all - not the sort of love that God calls all to develop and choose to display in this life to others.

If you are confused or angered by what I say here, think here a moment, do this:

Examine yourself, for yourself; do so measuring and comparing yourself [2Cor.13:5; 10:12] against the words of both Christ and Paul (not to exclude Peter here [2Pt.1:5-11; 1-4; 1Pt.2:18-3:6]. But I will only quote what the Lord inspired Paul to layout before us all. See how your thoughts and actions measure up to them here.

Before doing so though, let me hasten to add here that, we are not born mature ("perfect")...we are not re-born by the Spirit mature ("perfect"). But we are not given the 'privilege' or remaining immature, nor are we free to turn back from growing in grace and or Christ's divine character for that matter. WE are to grow "from glory to glory" [2Cor.3:18] . We are to grow in grace and the knowledge of Christ and God...this does not speak merely of 'cerebral' attainment of 'Bible' information and 'facts'. But rather the main point is to grow in the experiential knowledge of God, to learn to 'know' him, who he is, in an intimate way.

But to the passage. Examine your thoughts, words and actions towards your husband under the magnifier of these poignant, ever practical and powerful words:

"Charity suffereth long, [and] is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

"Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

"Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

"Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

"Charity never faileth: but whether [there be] prophecies, they shall fail; whether [there be] tongues, they shall cease; whether [there be] knowledge, it shall vanish away.

"And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these [is] charity."
[1Cor. 4-8,13; 1-13]


If you are honest with yourself and with God, you know exactly what the Lord is quietly but powerfully and clearly unfolding before your minds eye concerning your thoughts and plans with regard towards your husband, as you read and let these words sink in and do their work.

Are you at all familiar with this portion of a passage found in one of John's letter? I quote it only in part:
"...and his commandments are not grievous"

How can his commandments not be deemed grievous...heavy in weight...burdensome
...severe, stern, weighty, cruel, unsparing, when they are so-o-o-o-o hard to fulfill? I believe they are only as hard, proportional to how much we have not been diligent to keep a fervent loving relationship with Christ and God the Father. Read the full sentence (passage) and then read all that came before and follows after for context sake [1Jn.5:3; 4:12...5:3...]. 

I'm confused because I never really know when or if it's God speaking to me. I've been to church services, had dreams, and sudden realizations that maybe I do need to leave. How will I know if it's truly god speaking to me?

How will you know if and/or when God is speaking to you? When you saturate yourself in the written Word of God - which written Word are not dead letters, but living letters, the living oracles of God...they are spiritual Words, God's own Words. You must first familiarize yourself with with, and become sure that you understand what God's Word is saying on whatever the subject you are seeking light on. Be diligent, patient and thorough in your studies of the scriptures.

As for 'feeling' that perhaps you 'need to' leave. Let these words assure of God's will on the matter:

"And unto the married [believer to believer] I command, [yet] not I, but the Lord, Let not the [believing] wife depart from [her] [believing] husband... ...And the [believing] woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her [i.e.the believing wife] not leave him."  [1Cor.7:10, 13]

"Likewise, ye wives, [be] in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

"While they behold your chaste conversation [coupled] with fear.

"Whose adorning let it not be that outward [adorning] of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

"But [let it be] the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, [even the ornament] of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

"For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

"Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement."  [1 Pt.3:1-6]


See the 'trust issue' that has been addressed in this section of Peter's letter?

The focus of too, too many woman is their imagined 'need' to 'trust' their husbands. For many, if they 'feel' or 'know' they can't trust their husbands, they then think...well, that is somehow grounds enough to "put asunder" [depart; sever, separate from] their (horizontal) relationship with their husband.

Yet God does not say 'trust' is the 'need' of the wife'. Is it something that would be a very great blessing and something that would promote good will, appreciation and security in the mind of a wife towards her husband? To be sure.

But what if this trust has been broken or never existed to begin with (whatever the area of trust one is speaking about)? Does God still expect a wife to fulfill what he instructs and commands her to pursue in her relationship towards her husband? Yes. This is obvious as you read and reflect upon all that is being expressed in God's Word as it instructs the wife and the mindset and behavior she is to have and display towards her husband.

The trust is not to be in her husband, but in God. If in God, there is no way she can fail to think, do and hope properly before God and towards her husband. It is not dependent upon his behavior towards her; but her trust in God's promises and behavior towards her!

How else can a wife endure the grief and trials and afflictions that may come as a result of a husband that is disobedient to the will and ways of God? Observe though, the call (commands and instructions) of God which Peter enumerated in his letter to woman, who are exactly in such circumstances and facing such situations.

See other passages that speak of similar things to wives. Pull out a concordance and do a study on wives.

Again, the commands will seem grievous if one's heart and mind are not firmly established and grounded in the first priority of God for us. That he be and have the preeminence in our hearts and lives. Love, honor and fear the Lord first and the rest will take care of itself as your grow in the knowledge of both the scriptures and the relationship God seeks to have with you.   

I'm extremely unhappy and depressed most days that I would just rather leave than wait on him to change.

Unhappy? Depressed? Where do these attitudes and mental-slash-emotional states originate from? Read what scripture says about peace and joy. What causes depression? Is it depression you are experiencing; or something else?

Blocked goals...unrealized expectations: these are two things that lay at the root of what we call depression. If we have unrealistic expectations or goals, it would be logical to develop these emotional and mental conditions. One can experience sorrow and grief and yet maintain peace and joy in the midst of these. That is the heritage of the children of God in this world! It is a fight at times not to succumb and surrender to these things that assail us in this world. But Christ did say: Be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world". Find that passage and read the whole of it through several or more times and think on it.

We are in a fight, a fight of faith.

Paul was not merely waxing poetic when he spoke of the armor of God to the believers in Ephesus. There is a battle in full sway for the minds, hearts and souls of men and women. Do you want Satan to succeed in blinding you to the nature of the real issues behind your struggles in both your marriage and your life - and the life of your husband...and the life of this culture, society and nation for that matter? Do you want to be weak and let him spoil (rob) you of your faith, your hope and the love of God, that God first planted in your heart for Himself and that of your husband? Or do you want to run the race and win the prize?

One thing you CAN do is fulfill the will of God for you towards your husband - as Peter presents in 1 Peter 3 - and just be careful to do so with no expectations that you will win your husband, only focus trusting God to bless you for just being faithful to do as he instructs you. You'll sense the joy and peace growing in you as you do; leaving the results to God regarding your husband.

He may never come to grips with what the Lord is calling him to fulfill as a husband. But you'll find that whether he does or doesn't, your peace, your joy, your 'fulfillment' is not     
dependent upon what he does; but what God is doing to you.

Don't wait for him to change for you to experience a change. Let the Lord transform you as you are I am certain aware he desires to do just that (as Paul beseeches the Roman believers regarding: Romans.12:1-3; Tit.3:5 and James 1:21-22.


Way long here.

Nothing is said save to encourage you here. I hope you receive in that way.


p.p.

[p.progress]

Dear 2bloved,

Good. I am very glad.


Just so you know 2bloved, I revisited and re-vised parts of that last long post. I hope the additions to it clarify some things.


If you have time to re-read it. I hope it gives you even more encouragement and insight for your pilgrimage on this earth. Remember, we are just that, pilgrims and strangers here. Our rightful abode is yet to be realized. WE can only catch a glimpse of it through the 'eyes' of faith. Hence, the call to and our need to focus and re-focus our sight on the things above.


So, love your husband....crying out to the Lord for the grace to see him as HE does. That does not mean you have to 'pretend' to be anything but real; or view him, or this trial from some pseudo-spiritual mindset. No, we have such a God and a type of power (his grace), that we are more than able to look at all things and see them full-face - what is right before us in real-time; yet...yet face them with such power and a heavenly perspective that can cloth us in peace and joy even as we struggle in our fight of faith. This is part of what is meant by 'laboring to enter into his rest' [see Hebs. 4:11; 3:7-4:11...]


Bless you.


p.p

[p.progress]

Dear 2bloved,

How are things with you? I hope you are actively growing in grace and knowledge of God, learning and engrafting the Word into your heart, mind and ultimately into your soul. Christ said words to this effect, when he said: "If you abide in me and my words abide in you; you can ask anything you want and it shall be done unto you."

[Actual word for word quote - from the KJV: "If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you."]


You know, I haven't actually read those specific words for perhaps three to five years now. So I quoted them as much as possible from memory. Pretty close true? I mention this not at all to brag, not in the least. But rather this. To bring before our minds eye and let enter our ears the great need we all have to so saturate one's self with and in the Word of God (the scriptures of truth). So that even if you have not actually read them (i.e. any particular phrase or passage, or specific section of scripture) for a while afterwards...there it is - right on the tip of your tongue!

Imperfectly quoted perhaps at times, but there it is nevertheless, a word to speak comfort or to instruct, or else to reprove, warn or rebuke whatever the cause or situation requiring God's revelation.

So obviously, the more one not only or merely reads the scriptures (even tremendous chunks of them); but in turn also actively engages in the study of them, meditates and reflects upon them, and makes applications of them in their life: well, the greater degree to which God's Word will rise naturally up out of your soul to speak to a given situation or need. It is rare to hear an individual be 'spot on', 'hitting the nail on the head' with regard to applying the wisdom of scripture directly to a situation or need they are perhaps asked to to speak to. How good it is though when this occurs!

Don't know if this is relevant to you at present, hope it is. But if so, glad it is.

Please, please let us, or me know how you are doing and how your husband is doing - or leave a private message to let me know (if that is something your comfortable or happy to do).

Must cut short here.

Bless you.

p.p