Husband cheated, now I saw he was looking at porn...

[Ninarachelle]

My husband is in the navy and while he was away at school, about 2 years ago, he cheated on me with someone he worked with/was in his class. He lied about it and then almost completely ignored me for a couple months and was planning on divorcing me... He stayed at first because of our toddler. I had read "love and respect" and really wanted to try to make it work. We got stationed on a new base and our daughter and I moved down there and I thought things were looking up. I got pregnant again (please no negative comments) and we had another beautiful girl. He is my best friend and an amazing dad! He's just not the best at being a husband, but he tries. Recently I saw that he had googled what to do because he's "not attracted to his wife any more" and tonight I saw that he was looking at porn. He usually deletes his history, I have no idea how long or how often this has been happening. I'm posting here for some good biblical advice on how to handle this. What should I do? He says he's a christian, that he believe Jesus is our savior, etc... But he's never really into praying or reading the bible. He will sit with me when I pray over our girls, though. I want this to work out and I want to stay married to him... We've only had sex three times in the last 8 months since our second was born and I knew it's because he didn't like me, I just had no idea about the porn. Any biblical, christian advice is greatly appreciated!!

Thank you!

[chosenone]

Men who look at porn have their minds skewed and distorted by what they see. If he looks at young attractive women all the time, he will of course be comparing you with them, and normal women cant possible compare physically with these ladies who are chosen for their looks alone. Also they are ACTING, and pretending to be really keen on the men they are with, and really desperate for sex, which of course isnt really the case.They are probably thinking about what they will have for supper later rather that on the sex.  Many porn actresses were abused as children as well. 

Until he stops the porn, stops comparing you with them, and focuses 100% on you and the children, it will never improve.

I would suggest some good Christian marriage counseling to start with, at the same time tell him that you know he has been looking at porn and that you arent going to put up with it. Suggest that he only looks on his computer in the living room,  puts on porn blockers, and ask that he gets one or two men from church who can be his accountability partners while he works on stopping the porn use.

I admire you for being able to stay with him after his affair. Has he ever been truly repentant about it? Did you have any counselling to help you work through that? Have you both set strong boundaries with the way you relate to the opposite sex now? Is he now open with his passwords and phone etc now? All things you may need to discuss together.   

A good book on boundaries is called 'Hedges' by Jerry B Jenkins

[TJW]

tell him that you know he has been looking at porn and that you arent going to put up with it

Correct.  And be ready to enforce that boundary.  If he does not completely stop it, you will leave, get a lawyer, and a divorce.