husband finally tells me....

[ihavehope]

he has problems sleeping with me because of my weight....though I have lost over 100 pounds since we first started. I know he felt really bad telling me this...but i knew something was wrong when he didn't want to be romantic ...or be close...but he still says he loves me and wants to grow old with me....I am very confused....

[Carey]

Although it hurts you, it was likely painful for him to divulge, the silver lining here is it is a indication of love, trust, and intimacy in itself.

I don't know the extent of the issue, but obesity should be addressed as it is unhealthy, can cause one fear of losing a loved one prematurely, and as noted be an obstacle to intimacy.
 
That said, some men have an unrealistic ideal relying on the unnatural "perfection" one sees in the media.  There is so much more beauty and allure in a woman's eyes than could ever be expressed in her body type.

If this is indeed a health issue, and your hubby wants change, he should take a part in that endeavor, eating healthier and becoming more active is good for even a skinny guy, and can be very positive to a relationship.

[chosenone]

You have lost 100Lbs!!! That is amazing. Surely he has sees a vast difference now???

[TJW]

Good for you !  Losing 100 lbs is a major accomplishment you can be really proud of.

I think Carey has nailed this.  The "standard" in today's media causes a lot of problems.

[Carey]

Forgive me for missing the obvious, you do indeed deserve accolades for losing 100 lbs.  Congratulations. 

[chosenone]

Good for you !  Losing 100 lbs is a major accomplishment you can be really proud of.

I think Carey has nailed this.  The "standard" in today's media causes a lot of problems.

Amen. Its very sad that so many women have little self confidence or self esteem because they dont look like the 'ideal' slim young model.  Hense the billions spent on cosmetic surgery, beauty treatments, make up, slimming products etc etc. Tragic. The amount of porn use now has made this so much worse, as it has given so many men unrealistic ideas of what women should look like and act like.

Our spouse must be our standard of beauty, and God can actually change the way we see our spouse(it happened to someone that I know).

You must have gone down 3 or 4 dress sizes with loosing all that weight, so keep it up.

[johndoo]

Consider marriage counseling or personal counseling because this is perhaps hurtful and is confusing to you.
At minimum, christian marriage counseling will help you see the positive things about your marriage.

It is a tough issue.
For you to understand, the book "His Needs, Her Needs" lists attractiveness of spouse as a valid need.  Do what you can to make yourself attractive for your husband.  Together you wil have to talk about what lengths you are able and willing to go to achieve this.  However this thing about "meeting needs" is tricky.  A person's needs change over time.  Are there other needs that you can meet that can make him more satisfied with the relationship overall?

For him to understand, weight loss is perhaps one of the most difficult things for a person to do and if it happens it isn't fast and it isn't always permanent.  Genetics has a very great deal to do with it.  How is he being supportive?  Withholding sex and affection in any marriage is wrong - so get over it -go to personal or marriage counseling.  His needs for an attractive spouse have changed and he has to accept that this is partly his issue.  Is he focusing on unrealistic images as comparisons?

God bless you through this challenge.

[Janice]

You lost 100 lbs since starting sleeping together. Congratulations! That is very amazing, and I hope you will be able to keep it off. But even if you don't....he started sleeping with you when you were 100 lbs heavier. Did he have a problem with it then? Why did he even start if he was not attracted to you? You say he does not want to be close or romantic now, but he did when you were heavier. So when he says he does not want to be intimate because of your weight, maybe he prefers women who are heavier, since he seemed not to have a problem before you lost the weight?

[HannahT]

he has problems sleeping with me because of my weight....though I have lost over 100 pounds since we first started. I know he felt really bad telling me this...but i knew something was wrong when he didn't want to be romantic ...or be close...but he still says he loves me and wants to grow old with me....I am very confused....

I can understand your confusion, and I honestly would be very hurt as well. 

You have done such an awesome thing by losing all that weight, but not for vanity reasons...for health reasons!

I would have to ask him how he plans on dealing with what he revealed.  It's okay to know what it is - as you mentioned - but what he is going to do to overcome this?

We are love the person under our appearance, and honor and respect that person.  People change also with age, and no one stay completely the same as they were when they were young for example.

Its all fine and good that he wishes to stay with you, but what are his plans to enhance the marriage?  This is what God would wish after all.

This is something he should have faced long ago, and he has hurt not only his relationship...but you as well.

You should be so proud of yourself for what you have accomplished.  Its no small task. 

I hope he can find another man to help him walk through this, and replace your confusion with what God would want for your relationship.

[Mog19]

Hannah T, well done lady!!!!!  100lbs is fantastic!!!!  Is there a reason for your weight gain??  Is it an over eating issue or a medical one, like polycystic ovary syndrome??
I ask because if its an over eating thing, then your husband could help and guide you GENTALLY, by joining a gym or running or something with you, maybe join a cooking class together?? That sort of thing.
If it however, a medical problem, then your husband should be a little more supporting!!!
He can still help you,can still encourage you, but yes, be more understanding.
If he just wants you to look like some women in a magazine, that is unreasonable and insulting. You are his wife and he should love you the way that you are (what you look like) and not try to change your looks for his own needs or wants.

[Janice]

Actually, I have a little more insight from another discussion forum. With you being so successful in losing so much weight, I'm sure it's changed your confidence and had an impact on who you are. Of course, this dynamic will change your marriage, especially if your husband did not have weight to lose. You may have a new relationship with the gym  or with food (I don't know how you lost the weight), and this might make him feel a little threatened.

Is he directly involved in your life in meaningful ways? Is he directly involved in your weight loss in meaningful ways? Have you talked with him about your new lifestyle and the changes it's meant for your marriage? Have you formed new friendships with people at the gym and he feels left out? Imo, it might help if he was totally included and a significant part of your life and lifestyle. Don't leave him behind.

[jimgraham]

The Physical Part

Sounds like he is in love with you, but not physically attracted to you. Men are so visually oriented, that a woman who has let herself go can turn her husband off similar to how an emotionally detached man turns off a woman.

It's not going to make me popular to say that, but don't shoot the messenger. It sounds like he is looking past your physical appearance and seeing your inner beauty. That's good! But, he's not sexually turned on because he is probably really visually stimulated.

What's keeping you from losing the weight? Is it stress? Are you having to do too much? Would it help if he took some of those responsibilities away from you? Are you depressed? If so, have you looked into seeing a counselor?

Talk to each other and try to figure out what you need to do to help you get healthy. There's a reason God made us not attracted to overweight and underweight (yes, underweight) people, because it's a sign of unhealthiness! Find out what the healthy weight is for your height and strive to get in that range. It will help you live longer and be much happier.

Being overweight doesn't makes you any less of a person, or make you any less worthy of love. Please don't misunderstand me! But, being overweight is almost always a SYMPTOM of a deeper problem. Overeating is a definite addiction, and addictions are our ways of trying to treat problems in a destructive way. Whether it be, anorexia, bulemia, or overeating, eating disorders are serious.

The Spiritual Part

That all said, try reading the bible and praying together every night. Allow God to be what brings you together. If you can get to the point where sex is an act of worship to God and an act of intimacy both to each other, but also with God, you'll see a complete change. I know it may sound crazy, but allowing God to be a part of your sex life is one of the most amazing things you can do. Remember, sex is symbolic of the intimacy that God wants with us, and the type of intimacy that we will all have in heaven!

Society has warped sex and made it seem dirty, something we want to hide from God. But, sex is beautiful, something God created. And society has focused on all the physical aspects of sex instead of the spiritual. Without the spiritual, all you are left with is "technique" which eventually gets old.

The Emotional Part

The other part of sex is the emotional intimacy that we share. If I were to guess, I would guess that he isn't being completely emotionally open to you. It's hard for most guys to allow themselves to be completely vulnerable.

Try to get him to open up in this way (good luck). If he will expose to you his deepest fears and hurts, all the things that he tries so hard to hide, it will create such an intimate bond between you that sex and romance becomes completely new. When he becomes vulnerable to you and you support, comfort, and heal him, that emotional intimacy leads to a deeper sexual attraction.

If anyone is interested, I wrote more on this in a blog post titled [link deleted]

Good things are ahead! There is definitely hope! :)

[chosenone]

Jim, she has already lost 100lbs so why do you ask why she cant loose weight? She can and she has.

100 lbs must have made a vast difference to how she looks.

[jimgraham]

Sorry, I just reread your post and saw the part about you losing 100 lbs! That's incredible! I'm so proud of you for that! I have no doubt that you can get down to a healthy weight. What you need is praise to keep going, not more pain. I hope this revelation from him doesn't make you want to give up and gain some of it back!

Now, if you are in the healthy weight range and he still thinks you are too big, then he has a problem. So many men get manipulated by TV, movies, and porn that women should look a certain way. That's not natural. Men are naturally attracted to a healthy weight, at least they should.

If that's the case, he needs to read "Every man's battle". A great book. He needs to not allow his eyes or thoughts to spend time on other women. He should "starve his eyes" and not allow himself to see any attractive women on TV or in print ads, on the side of the street, etc. This will cause natural sexual energy to build up and will cause him to look at you in a very different way.

When we spend time looking at or thinking about women, we use up sexual energy. That's why guys want to look at pretty ladies. That is sexual energy that isn't there to be used for you when the time comes.

The problem is that women dress very immodestly in our culture so it's impossible to avoid it. He'll have to keep from looking at anyone and "bounce his eyes" off of TV, ads, etc. constantly.

It's radical, but so is Christianity. Marriages are the second most important thing in the world, so you do whatever you have to do to protect them!

[chosenone]

Sorry, I just reread your post and saw the part about you losing 100 lbs! That's incredible! I'm so proud of you for that! I have no doubt that you can get down to a healthy weight. What you need is praise to keep going, not more pain. I hope this revelation from him doesn't make you want to give up and gain some of it back!

Now, if you are in the healthy weight range and he still thinks you are too big, then he has a problem. So many men get manipulated by TV, movies, and porn that women should look a certain way. That's not natural. Men are naturally attracted to a healthy weight, at least they should.

If that's the case, he needs to read "Every man's battle". A great book. He needs to not allow his eyes or thoughts to spend time on other women. He should "starve his eyes" and not allow himself to see any attractive women on TV or in print ads, on the side of the street, etc. This will cause natural sexual energy to build up and will cause him to look at you in a very different way.

When we spend time looking at or thinking about women, we use up sexual energy. That's why guys want to look at pretty ladies. That is sexual energy that isn't there to be used for you when the time comes.

The problem is that women dress very immodestly in our culture so it's impossible to avoid it. He'll have to keep from looking at anyone and "bounce his eyes" off of TV, ads, etc. constantly.

It's radical, but so is Christianity. Marriages are the second most important thing in the world, so you do whatever you have to do to protect them!

You are right. We have that book, and my husband has done that all his adult life. He  closes his eyes when adverts come on and even had to do that at our last church with the way some of the women dressed! He will also look away from any lady who is dressed immodestly, wont see films or TV programmes with sexual content and I love him for that. It makes me feel special and safe.
I feel sad that this poor lady has lost all that weight and THEN he tells her he doesn't find her attractive. Surely he should be congratulating her on her amazing achievement and encouraging her if she needs to loose any more.

I love what you said about God being in our sex lives. That's so right. Sex is far more than physical lust being satisfied. Its about giving and loving and building up the spouse and the marriage. We all change physically as we get older, and that's why our spouse needs to be our standard of beauty.

Porn use, which apparently is very very common now, can cause terrible problems when men compare their wives to those women they see. Its evil.