Husband Doesn't Want Sex

[trainerkim]

My husband and I have been married for four years and he never initiates sex. If he did initiate, we would have it maybe once a month. We have tried counseling, sex therapy, nesting, books and more. He recently started seeing our naturopath to see if it is a hormonal issue. He has normal testosterone and a slightly lower adrenal function which he has been supplementing with natural tinctures.

I would love to have sex every day. I feel so connected to him when we do have sex, which is currently about once every ten days, if I initiate. I try not to take his lack of interest in me sexually personally, but I am really struggling. It's been four years of feeling rejected and that I am not good enough. He used to look at porn, but after I caught him in November last year he says he has stopped.

He loves me so much, but for some reason, this is the only source of conflict for us.

I guess my question is this: do any of you women struggle with this?? I seem to be the only one I know of and it so lonely being in this place. I hate feeling alone. Any thoughts, suggestions, empathy??

[chosenone]

If a man looks at and mastubates to porn, he will have no sexual desire left for his wife. He will also find it hard to get aroused by a normal sex life because the porn will have given him unnatural desires and it distorts sexual desire. So are you sure he has stopped looking?  Even if he has stopped, if was doing this for a long time, he will have been deeply affected by what he saw.

[johndoo]

Have you asked him to initiate every other week?
Does he give physical touch otherwise?
Have you told him that this is your number one need / love language?
Sometimes the "His Needs , Her Needs" book can make it black and white to a spouse.

[trainerkim]

I trust him implicitly, so yes, I believe he has stopped looking. It's been a year and a half since I found out.

He is a counselor and well versed in Christian books about marriage. We have all of them on our shelves. I have expressed how much of a need and desire it is to me, but that seems to make no difference. He is not mean, hard hearted or manipulative. I am not sure what the problem is.

[chosenone]

I trust him implicitly, so yes, I believe he has stopped looking. It's been a year and a half since I found out.

He is a counselor and well versed in Christian books about marriage. We have all of them on our shelves. I have expressed how much of a need and desire it is to me, but that seems to make no difference. He is not mean, hard hearted or manipulative. I am not sure what the problem is.

You may be right but many men do look behind their wifes back.

[epiphanius]

I trust him implicitly, so yes, I believe he has stopped looking. It's been a year and a half since I found out.

I have expressed how much of a need and desire it is to me, but that seems to make no difference. He is not mean, hard hearted or manipulative. I am not sure what the problem is.

TK,

Hmmm ...  Was he like this 18 months ago, when he claimed to have stopped looking, or did things get better and then deteriorate?

In the absence of a reasonable explanation for his behavior, this possibility *cannot* be ruled out. People who have been found guilty in *any* area need to prove themselves, and the ones who are truly repentant are eager to do so.

[TJW]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

[Kidcisco]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

From a mans perspective I can say that there can be alot of things to have us feel like we don't want any, work , stress , I mean who knows with your husband.  You need to find out what turns him on and start doing that to arose him for he wont be able to ignore been arosed I would think.  But don't do all the work just find out what turns him on and go from there. I shouldn't say this but as a last result try watching a NR movie or a porn but only together to see if that gets him going,  just as long as he doesn't see these movies on his own.  You need to keep in mind that if you love your man then find ways to work with the way he is for the sake of your desires.  Goodluck.

[Lively Stone]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

From a mans perspective I can say that there can be alot of things to have us feel like we don't want any, work , stress , I mean who knows with your husband.  You need to find out what turns him on and start doing that to arose him for he wont be able to ignore been arosed I would think.  But don't do all the work just find out what turns him on and go from there. I shouldn't say this but as a last result try watching a NR movie or a porn but only together to see if that gets him going,  just as long as he doesn't see these movies on his own.  You need to keep in mind that if you love your man then find ways to work with the way he is for the sake of your desires.  Goodluck.

We do not advise people to do something sinful.

[chosenone]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

From a mans perspective I can say that there can be alot of things to have us feel like we don't want any, work , stress , I mean who knows with your husband.  You need to find out what turns him on and start doing that to arose him for he wont be able to ignore been arosed I would think.  But don't do all the work just find out what turns him on and go from there. I shouldn't say this but as a last result try watching a NR movie or a porn but only together to see if that gets him going,  just as long as he doesn't see these movies on his own.  You need to keep in mind that if you love your man then find ways to work with the way he is for the sake of your desires.  Goodluck.

Looking at porn isnt something that any Christian should do. Its evil. Even if it did arouse him, who do you think he would be thinking about when they did have sex? Not his wife I am sure.

Jesus gave stern warnings about lusting after other women, saying that it is as bad as actually committing adultery.

[Blueflame]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

From a mans perspective I can say that there can be alot of things to have us feel like we don't want any, work , stress , I mean who knows with your husband.  You need to find out what turns him on and start doing that to arose him for he wont be able to ignore been arosed I would think.  But don't do all the work just find out what turns him on and go from there. I shouldn't say this but as a last result try watching a NR movie or a porn but only together to see if that gets him going,  just as long as he doesn't see these movies on his own.  You need to keep in mind that if you love your man then find ways to work with the way he is for the sake of your desires.  Goodluck.

so you advice is telling them to join in sin together?

chosen one is right about this porn is destructive, i struggle with it my self and do watch behind my wives back after she ask me to stop, but i am doing much better.

there is a great movie about this called fireproof with Kirk Cameron, watch it with your husband me and my wife did and it is great. there is a web site fire proof your marriage which is from the movie and can help.

If your husband is not having sex with you i would bet he is looking at porn, men just can not go long times with out it, well most any way. Do not turn to porn to help. wearing something sexy can help, maybe discussing fantasy you both have, maybe try being the porn for him, not saying be with another guy, Just you and let him watch you, try different rooms in the house, or getting a hotel, or pool or hot tub, shower bathtub, get creative with it, that in it self is fun, its like going back to when you to where dating and finding out what turns each other on. O)ne thing my wife did is i pulled up her video cam on my computer and she performed for me, so it was like watching porn, but not bad because it was my wife so its ok:) But web cams can be bad, so you might not want to do that, and you need two computers. basically make your self the objective of his lust. Hope  that gives you some ideas.

[TJW]

I should have asked the question:  there are many prescription medications which lower the libido.  Some high-blood-pressure drugs, antidepressants, etc.

I'm guessing your husband does not take any of these.

I sure don't suggest that you bring any porn into your lives.   It is essentially bringing other people into your bed.  You and your husband are the only people God designed to be there.

men just can not go long times with out it

This is not correct.  Porn is an addiction.  If dealt with like an addiction, with complete repentance, and accountability, men can go for years and decades with no porn involvement.  But it does require a constant vigilance.

[Kidcisco]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

From a mans perspective I can say that there can be alot of things to have us feel like we don't want any, work , stress , I mean who knows with your husband.  You need to find out what turns him on and start doing that to arose him for he wont be able to ignore been arosed I would think.  But don't do all the work just find out what turns him on and go from there. I shouldn't say this but as a last result try watching a NR movie or a porn but only together to see if that gets him going,  just as long as he doesn't see these movies on his own.  You need to keep in mind that if you love your man then find ways to work with the way he is for the sake of your desires.  Goodluck.

so you advice is telling them to join in sin together?

chosen one is right about this porn is destructive, i struggle with it my self and do watch behind my wives back after she ask me to stop, but i am doing much better.

there is a great movie about this called fireproof with Kirk Cameron, watch it with your husband me and my wife did and it is great. there is a web site fire proof your marriage which is from the movie and can help.

If your husband is not having sex with you i would bet he is looking at porn, men just can not go long times with out it, well most any way. Do not turn to porn to help. wearing something sexy can help, maybe discussing fantasy you both have, maybe try being the porn for him, not saying be with another guy, Just you and let him watch you, try different rooms in the house, or getting a hotel, or pool or hot tub, shower bathtub, get creative with it, that in it self is fun, its like going back to when you to where dating and finding out what turns each other on. O)ne thing my wife did is i pulled up her video cam on my computer and she performed for me, so it was like watching porn, but not bad because it was my wife so its ok:) But web cams can be bad, so you might not want to do that, and you need two computers. basically make your self the objective of his lust. Hope  that gives you some ideas.

No, I didn't mean it like that guys . I wouldn't want someone to sin as an advice I gave. All I'm saying if she's trying to find out what would make her husband get excited to try and figure it out , but that been the last resort not something I should of said for I don't agree with it myself.   Let's be realistic, if she's trying to get her husband to give her attention in bed then sometimes we need to go to whatever length to get it and the last resort part is just to see where his at.  Praying would probably help but in due time and it sounds like to me that she's been trying to figure this out. SO I'M SORRY FOR THE REMARK, I"M JUST TRYING TO BE REALISTIC IN A HUMAN SENSE NOT SPIRITUAL.  WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.   

[Blueflame]

I should have asked the question:  there are many prescription medications which lower the libido.  Some high-blood-pressure drugs, antidepressants, etc.

I'm guessing your husband does not take any of these.

I sure don't suggest that you bring any porn into your lives.   It is essentially bringing other people into your bed.  You and your husband are the only people God designed to be there.

men just can not go long times with out it

This is not correct.  Porn is an addiction.  If dealt with like an addiction, with complete repentance, and accountability, men can go for years and decades with no porn involvement.  But it does require a constant vigilance.

Yeah i was talking about men can not go along time with out sex not porn.

[Blueflame]

I'm not a woman, but I thought you might find this helpful.  Of course, I have no way to say whether my thoughts are in any way equivalent to those of your husband.

I never initiate sex either.  This results in about a once-per-month sex life for my wife and I. 

The reason I don't is because I have feelings of inadequacy caused by my wife's attention to other men.  I feel inferior.  I don't want to initiate because I want to be sure she wants to and is not just doing it for me out of pity or out of duty.

I am not a porn user, neither have I ever been.  I have seen some of it but, by God's grace, it has never been any kind of a habit for me.

Again, I say, that I have no way to know if any of this relates to you and your husband or to his feelings.

From a mans perspective I can say that there can be alot of things to have us feel like we don't want any, work , stress , I mean who knows with your husband.  You need to find out what turns him on and start doing that to arose him for he wont be able to ignore been arosed I would think.  But don't do all the work just find out what turns him on and go from there. I shouldn't say this but as a last result try watching a NR movie or a porn but only together to see if that gets him going,  just as long as he doesn't see these movies on his own.  You need to keep in mind that if you love your man then find ways to work with the way he is for the sake of your desires.  Goodluck.

so you advice is telling them to join in sin together?

chosen one is right about this porn is destructive, i struggle with it my self and do watch behind my wives back after she ask me to stop, but i am doing much better.

there is a great movie about this called fireproof with Kirk Cameron, watch it with your husband me and my wife did and it is great. there is a web site fire proof your marriage which is from the movie and can help.

If your husband is not having sex with you i would bet he is looking at porn, men just can not go long times with out it, well most any way. Do not turn to porn to help. wearing something sexy can help, maybe discussing fantasy you both have, maybe try being the porn for him, not saying be with another guy, Just you and let him watch you, try different rooms in the house, or getting a hotel, or pool or hot tub, shower bathtub, get creative with it, that in it self is fun, its like going back to when you to where dating and finding out what turns each other on. O)ne thing my wife did is i pulled up her video cam on my computer and she performed for me, so it was like watching porn, but not bad because it was my wife so its ok:) But web cams can be bad, so you might not want to do that, and you need two computers. basically make your self the objective of his lust. Hope  that gives you some ideas.

No, I didn't mean it like that guys . I wouldn't want someone to sin as an advice I gave. All I'm saying if she's trying to find out what would make her husband get excited to try and figure it out , but that been the last resort not something I should of said for I don't agree with it myself.   Let's be realistic, if she's trying to get her husband to give her attention in bed then sometimes we need to go to whatever length to get it and the last resort part is just to see where his at.  Praying would probably help but in due time and it sounds like to me that she's been trying to figure this out. SO I'M SORRY FOR THE REMARK, I"M JUST TRYING TO BE REALISTIC IN A HUMAN SENSE NOT SPIRITUAL.  WONT HAPPEN AGAIN.   

no worries we all make mistakes and none of us are perfect. funny thing is, it is probably sin which is causing all this. I mean if she wanted to make porn for her husband with just her self or her and her husband only for him, that would be fine.

[RoninJedi]

I'm not a woman, but I do know a thing or two about marriage.  Let me start with a question:

You say he is a counselor and well-versed in books about Christian marriage, but is he a Christian?  You didn't say so explicitly, and I think that's important.  Onto my advice.

You say that you've expressed what a desire it is for you, but it doesn't matter.  I would suggest that you LOVINGLY (and that's the key part!) point him toward Biblical truth.  This will be especially powerful, I believe, if he is also a Christian.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 
"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.  The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.  Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency."

This is a familiar passage, but it's one that frankly many people don't take seriously.  You do not have power over your own body, and neither does he!  If he needs it and you don't feel like it, you're supposed to do it anyway!  If you need it and he doesn't feel like it, he's supposed to do it anyway!  It's right there in Scripture, black and white with no in between.  If you don't feel like it, do it anyway.

Most people disregard this by saying "Well that wasn't written in today's society.  They didn't see women like we do."  Or "That's not PC".  Or even "That's not romantic."  No, they didn't view women as we do today.  No, it's not politically correct.  And no, it's not very romantic.  But it's right there.

Proverbs 3:27
"Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it."

Sex is a good thing.  It was God's idea, His gift to a married couple.  It is in the power of your husband's hand to do it, and he should.

Proverbs 5:18-19 (emphasis added)
"Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth.  Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

No matter what argument some may put forward, the bottom line is that we cannot pick and choose which parts of the Bible to believe and to follow.  Unfortunately, we've fallen away from that truth, and the world is full of people, even well-meaning and caring Christians, who do just that.  God had an idea for marriage, and He put it down in His Word for us. 

If your husband doesn't want it, but you do, it is his responsibility as your husband to take care of your needs.  He is the only man on earth ordained by God to fulfill your sexual desires.  If he doesn't do so, then he is failing in his duty as a husband.

I know this sounds harsh, and some will disagree, but the hard fact is that he has a job as your husband, and he hasn't been doing it.  My advice is to present this to him as lovingly as you possibly can, and join together with him in prayer.  Do not berate him.  Do not nag him.  But do be honest and firm. 

You've been added to my prayers, dear sister.  May the Lord bless your marriage abundantly. 

[TJW]

the hard fact is that he has a job as your husband, and he hasn't been doing it

Amen. 

If your husband doesn't want it, but you do, it is his responsibility

This is so unfortunate.  I "want" it, my wife doesn't.  My wife totally obeys the scripture. 

But honestly, I would  rather she never did it than endure the heartbreak of knowing that she did it out of "duty".

[Gracey]

TrainerKim
My heart aches for you....but here is what I would say, trust your instinct.  I spent a long time with a man who had limited libido.  I was ALWAYS the one to initiate it, and yes, I got a 'rise', but it never felt like he could really ravish me and get lost in his desire for me.   I was able to track peaks and troughs with him.  When he was doing ok with the porn, things were GREAT, when he wasn't, he always wanted to go to sleep or was too tired, or maybe 'age' was catching up with him.  Sadly, it was all a cover for what was really going on.

Porn addiction is possibly the most deceitful thing in the world.  I don't say that to depress you....just make you aware that sometimes, your 'gut' may tell you more than you know.   Hang on and lean into God - He alone will tell you the truth!

[JohnDB]

Actually it could be testosterone levels in his system.

L-Argenine (5 capsules 2X daily)
L-Carnatine (2 pills 2X daily)

Have him take these. His drive will increase. These are over the counter vitamin suppliments that really work.

They are great amino acids for heart & liver health too. These also will assist in muscle tone for him.   

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

Actually it could be testosterone levels in his system.

L-Argenine (5 capsules 2X daily)
L-Carnatine (2 pills 2X daily)

Have him take these. His drive will increase. These are over the counter vitamin suppliments that really work.

They are great amino acids for heart & liver health too. These also will assist in muscle tone for him.   

They had it tested already and it wasn't low.    Although it's not a bad suggestion anyway.

It could also be dehydration, even slight dehydration.  Something to look at anyway.  Not enough liquid means you can't fill up the balloon.

Finally, it may have something to do with confidence.  It really won't matter how attractive *you* are, if he himself doesn't feel attractive as well.  Sadly, your attempts to make him feel attractive may just be perceived as attempts to 'get something' from him.  Usually, physical exercise will get the right hormones pumping in this respect.   Does he work out regularly?

Jarrod

[FireSword]

Perhaps the husband doesn't desire sex every day, this type of thing seems strange today in a world obsessed with it and society expecting us to behave like animals. Any way To go from once a month to once a day is a bit extreme and unfair proposal, also intimacy can be done without focusing entirely on genitals, as we are christians not porn monkeys.

[k-pappy]

This may seem an odd question, but how old are you both?

One of the quirks of nature is that a man's sex drive will typically be in decline while a woman is reaching her peak.

[DaveW]

I would not call that a "quirk of nature" so much as a design feature.  Early in the marriage the man has the higher drive and later on it is the woman. That way the amount of sexual activity is kept at a fairly high amount until at least menopause.

[JohnDB70X7]

Some guys suffer from conquest familiarity syndrome.

There is nothing right about it. But many guys get the idea once the ring is on the finger the work and the pursuit are over.

And what appears to all of the world a knock down gorgeous woman is to this fellow with the syndrome a past conquest. Already been conquered.

That and some men are lazy in bed. They want the wife to do all the work including the initiation... some of that is the Peter Pan backlash from the feminist movement that over shot its objectives. (They were legitimate needs... and had the church stepped up it would have been different / better... but because the Church didn't want to get involved, the degenerates, malcontents, perverts, and gender haters took up the cause and as I said went overboard... enter do-less, hapless, Peter Pan syndrome in far too many males). 

If he is a counselor as you say he may be burned out. Like obgyns I can't imagine are easily aroused... by anything... (my sister in law is one and the stories she tells make me appreciate the wonderful lady I am married to)... I couldn't imagine being a male obgyn... Perhaps it is along these lines as counselors confront some ugly stuff in people and so much is about sex these days...   

[DaveW]

Like obgyns I can't imagine are easily aroused... by anything... (my sister in law is one and the stories she tells make me appreciate the wonderful lady I am married to)... I couldn't imagine being a male obgyn...

A comedienne I heard once (I think it was Sarah Silverman) once said "Girls - NEVER marry an OB-GYN.  Can you imagine you are looking forward to him coming home and when he opens the door he says 'If I have to look at one more .....' "

[lonegreywolf20]

Blind Post.

Is there any possibility that he has depression?

I ask this because I pretty much always initiated sex in the 3+ years that my wife and I have been married. My wife rarely did. The difference being our sex drives were different, with me having a high sex drive.

I have been recently diagnosed with depression and I have no sex drive to speak of. It's just gone and my wife is the one who initiates all the time now. Her drive has ramped up considerably in the past couple months, while mine has dwindled and is secondary to the depression.

It's just an idea that may or may not be plausible.

[AVZ]

Questions for OP:

- What time do you go to sleep?
- Do you go to bed together, or separate?
- Do you have a TV in the bedroom?