Confused

[JSLove329]

Hello!

Newbie here and I have something on my mind that I'd like to get advice about...

I once had a male friend over to my house to hang out. He acted very odd when he was here...at the time I thought it was even rude. We were supposed to hang out with some friends as a group, but he showed up about an hour and a half early. Upon his arrival he immediately whipped out his phone and put all of his attention on it. I grew tired of watching him on his phone so I went into the kitchen to prepare some food. He eventually came out to the kitchen but stood at the far end of the kitchen (basically as far away from me as possible).

We eventually joined up with our friends for a concert and he had previously suggested I invite everyone back to my house after the concert. I did, but everyone was tired and wanted to call it a night. As he was driving me back to my house I asked him if he was still coming in and he responded with "I don't know." I kind of blew up because I had gone to the work of cleaning my house and preparing food for this, which was his idea, and I was fed up with his behavior. Then he said "Well nobody else will be there."

He did end up coming in and staying until like 4:00 in the morning...we were just talking and we sat on separate pieces of furniture as when he came in he announced that "my recliner looked comfy." It was such an odd thing to me at the time...I felt insulted and oddly rejected most of the night by him and could never figure it out.

It's something that's been on the back of my mind for awhile, so I thought I would seek some outside advice. Thanks in advance for your help!

[Helen]

Everyone is different.  Accept him as he is.  What did you want, a wild immediate romance? 

At least you got your house cleaned and some food made!  that's always a good thing.

[MyFathersGirl]

Yeah I could see where that would be confusing.  It sounds like he liked you as more than a friend and was either shy or trying to be good ny keeping his hands busy with his cell phone and making sure you guys weren't too close when you got back to your place.  I don't think it was that he was trying to be rude but I can see where it would feel that way.

[JohnDB]

I watched a similar story unfold. 

It was my 15 y.o. son who was the dweeb with the phone.

Some guys need a direct telling of overt information to know that you have romantic thoughts toward them.

I chastised my son about using some social skills. Where you can't chastise your friend you can proverbially hit him over the head and be a bit more direct.

He will either be interested or not.

Not the end of the world one way or the other. 

[Man_Of_Honor]

Male friend as you considered him.

Make your interest known if you like him more as a friend. He may either be shy and quiet or not interested.

[Man_Of_Honor]

I watched a similar story unfold. 

It was my 15 y.o. son who was the dweeb with the phone.

Some guys need a direct telling of overt information to know that you have romantic thoughts toward them.

I chastised my son about using some social skills. Where you can't chastise your friend you can proverbially hit him over the head and be a bit more direct.

He will either be interested or not.

Not the end of the world one way or the other. 

We are not mind readers either.


People need to learn to be more direct also.

[JohnDB]

Oh just about everyone but my son could tell Ashley was enamored.

It was rather overt but wasn't direct.

That's the reason for the chastising.

[JSLove329]

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell him about my feelings and when I asked him if he felt the same way he said he didn't. Maybe I'm just in denial, but my gut instinct was "liar." Since he said he wasn't interested I am respecting that and moving on.

[JohnDB]

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell him about my feelings and when I asked him if he felt the same way he said he didn't. Maybe I'm just in denial, but my gut instinct was "liar." Since he said he wasn't interested I am respecting that and moving on.

Yeah...he is probably doing a 
today over this whole thing...of course he is going to change his mind later and begin flirting. And you can either respond favorably or give him some of the same as he gave you. (and make it painful as well)   

[JSLove329]

You crack me up lol. 

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell him about my feelings and when I asked him if he felt the same way he said he didn't. Maybe I'm just in denial, but my gut instinct was "liar." Since he said he wasn't interested I am respecting that and moving on.

Yeah...he is probably doing a 
today over this whole thing...of course he is going to change his mind later and begin flirting. And you can either respond favorably or give him some of the same as he gave you. (and make it painful as well)   

[DaveW]

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell him about my feelings and when I asked him if he felt the same way he said he didn't. Maybe I'm just in denial, but my gut instinct was "liar." Since he said he wasn't interested I am respecting that and moving on.

Yeah...he is probably doing a 
today over this whole thing...of course he is going to change his mind later and begin flirting. And you can either respond favorably or give him some of the same as he gave you. (and make it painful as well)   

That seems a bit harsh, JohnDB.  There may be any number of reasons a guy may be stand-offish.

Back in the day I had a couple of INTENSE  crushes that I never acted on. And that was for a reason: Too many divorces in my family (every person going back 3 generations on both sides) for me to ever consider getting into a serious relationship. As far as I know, the young ladies in question never knew for sure what I felt, although the 2nd one probably suspected as many of my friends knew as did at least one of her friends.   

Had I been confronted by either of them I would have denied it flat out.

It actually took an audible voice from Heaven for me to change my mind on that.

[Man_Of_Honor]

Thanks for all the replies. I did tell him about my feelings and when I asked him if he felt the same way he said he didn't. Maybe I'm just in denial, but my gut instinct was "liar." Since he said he wasn't interested I am respecting that and moving on.

Should move on then as the interest is not mutual.

[Just_Peachy]

Hey, although this conversation seems to be about over, it's worth noting that as a Christian lady, you should be cognizant that you must establish boundaries for yourself. Fortunately, this guy supposedly wasn't interested in you. However, please consider what your actions should be when the guy who is interested in you makes a pass at you...make sure it will be pleasing to God. Don't just oblige with whatever he wants. Tell him directly your limits - what's allowed and what's not.   

[JSLove329]

I actually could use some more advice on this issue.

The incident that happened at my house was this summer -- in June.

As we continued to maintain our relationship via text, phone calls and hanging out sometimes, I eventually told him how I felt about a month ago. And as we all know, he said he had never had those feelings.

The past month has been hard on me. I told him it wasn't that big of a deal if he didn't feel the same about me, but truthfully it has been devastating to me. So many days and nights of tears while also acknowledging that if I'm not what God has planned for him, and if it's not what would make him the happiest, then I don't want that. So, I've been trying to find peace and move on.

We haven't had any communication since that conversation...and it isn't entirely unusual for us to go a month without talking as he's currently involved with a very time-consuming commitment career-wise. However, today I received a text message from him about something I posted on Facebook and how he thought it was hysterical and that he could explain something I was questioning in my post.

To me this maybe seemed to be a way for him to test the temperature so to speak to see if he could call me. Honestly I've been a mess all night. The thought of hearing his voice makes me want to jump through the phone or jump off my roof...I'm not sure which. I spent literally hours driving around the countryside tonight trying to figure out how I would be able to maintain a friendship with him when I'm still hurting so much. I waited to respond to his text message until I knew he would be asleep. He will most likely call me tomorrow when he gets off work, and fortunately for me, I will still be at work for a few more hours and won't be able to take the call.

The thing is...I don't know how to handle this going forward. I can't imagine my life without him. I truly love him. But I don't know if I can talk to him without breaking down and he doesn't know how hurt I am.

Any more advice out there would be appreciated. Many thanks and God bless.

[chosenone]

I would honestly say that you dont want any communication with him at this time because its so painful. What is the point if it will only bring more pain? You will be able to move on far quicker if you don't hear from him or see him. Its not as if you actually had a relationship with him, so let him go.
It will be easier if you cut off contact. Otherwise the wound is always being opened up again and how will you feel if he gets a girlfriend?

[JohnDB]

You are getting caught up in a fantasy surrounding this guy.
The idea of being in a relationship with him is superseding a real relationship with him.

He is a guy and somewhat thick headed about emotions of others.

He personally is going to remain emotionally distant in the future even if he was to commit to a relationship.
He really isn't what you want. But the fantasy over the idea of him makes it seem that he is ideal for you.

Depending upon your actual relationship and his temperment you might explain the situation to him. He will either be respectful of your feelings or not know how to react or possibly return them. 

Guys are pretty much thick headed.