Adultery, Abortion and Abandonment in My Marriage: Betrayed and Bouncing Back

[brokenveteran]

Hello Everyone,

God has led me to share my story. My purpose is to glorify God and edify others about His grace toward me. If you are suffering because of infidelity, I have been there. It hurts. I have bounced back and am attempting to make something positive from it.

I am a single, custodial father of two boys, and have been caring for them since they were 4-years old and 18-months old. Now, I am ready to share with others.

My former wife, a fellow service member, betrayed me while I was deployed to Operation Iraqi Freedom and for several years afterward. My story includes serial adultery, abortion and abandonment. My story is also one of ignoring God, and later rediscovering Him.

For those that desire, my story can be read in detail here: http://www.brokenveteran.org/

God has blessed me.

[JERRY C]

 

BV, welcome to GCCF.

I read your blog entries with interest and compassion.

It sounds as if you are trying to take the high road of responsibility and reason.

Likely, the mods will delete the link, due to your being new and forum rules; maybe not.

3.3 You will not be able to post external links (defined as URLs to links off this site) until you have a post count of 20.

(until you qualify to put links, you could just copy/paste your blog entries here!  maybe just add them to this post, rather than separate, individual posts?!)

Continue to blog.  I thought of Hosea and Gomer.  And, I thought of Christ and his bride.

May God bless you as you strive to raise your two boys close to the Savior.

[brokenveteran]

Jerry C,

Thank you for the suggestions.

Here is the start of my story...

At 17, I joined the U.S. Army as a private (E-2) because of a sense of patriotic duty, for the adventure it promised, and due to my passion for the Army. I also opted for the college fund knowing that I would attend someday. I attended basic training, infantry school and jump school at Fort Benning in the mid 1980s. This was at a time when the legal drinking age on post was 18 and Victory Drive in Columbus was known as "VD" drive, which was littered with bars, pawn shops, strip clubs, tattoo parlors and other debauchery.

Serving as an Army paratrooper in the 82nd instills a sense of confidence and invincibility to a person, and I had done well with three promotions and numerous awards, including achievement medals, a Good Conduct Medal, the commandant's list for PLDC, exceptional Trooper recognition, and several letters of commendation. I was overconfident, and frankly, God was not at the center of my life. I was in control, or so I thought, and I rarely went to church. I was young and too self-assured. Fort Bragg and Fayette-'Nam, as it was called, was similar to Columbus. The irony is that I had been successful in the Army by following detailed instructions, listening intently to superiors and doing exactly what I was told. In spite of this approach, I stubbornly neglected God as the supreme authority.

I left the Army after 4-years as a sergeant (E-5) and returned home for college. I completed a bachelor's degree and graduate school, and a few years later began longing for the military connection again. I returned through Officer Candidate School (OCS) in the Army National Guard and became an infantry officer just before September 11, 2001. At the same time, I had received promotions in my civilian work and had risen to a good position in a large bank. Yet, God was still not at the center of my life.

Fast forward a few years and I volunteered for Operation Noble Eagle (ONE), which is where I met my former wife. She was younger, charming and beautiful. She was in the military, and there were rumors that she had been the "other woman" in an affair with Mr. "S" and had broken up their marriage. I, unwisely, ignored those rumors.

We were married in August 2004 and had our first child, a boy, that following July 2005. I was on top of the world. During her pregnancy, my battalion had received orders for Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF). God was not at the center of our marriage, I continued to ignore Him, and I had been promoted in the military two more times. I was now a brash company commander for the best infantry company in the battalion. Because of my prior mobilization for ONE, I had a choice to deploy or not. Nevertheless, I was the commander, I wanted to go, and I did not want to turn my back on the soldiers that were in the company. I volunteered to go. On our first anniversary, I said goodbye to my former-wife and my 1-month old son and I shipped out.

I spent 3-months at a mobilization station in the United States preparing for the deployment. Around late October 2005, I was able to come home for a few days before boarding the commercial aircraft for OIF. I arrived in Kuwait the first week of November, and spent a couple of weeks at Camp Buehring in final training. On Thanksgiving Day of 2005, I arrived at what would be duty station for the next year.

Three weeks after I arrived at my duty location, and while our 5-month old son was with family, my former wife and Mr. "D", also a soldier, slept together for the first time. She had given him her phone number earlier that second week of December, and they ended up in her hotel room. They spoke repeatedly over the Christmas holidays, and the first week in January she called him so that they could meet. They went to a local motel and spent the night together.

Now, just 5-weeks into my deployment, she was pregnant with Mr. "D's" child. In late February, Mr. "D" drove her to the abortion clinic while our 7-month old son was left in daycare. She was one of the very first wives in the battalion to cheat, and the only one known to have become pregnant. In addition, her affair with Mr. "D" continued while I was deployed. He claimed to have been in our home and to have slept in our marital bed. Ironically, Mr. "D" was at my location and passing through for his return to the States. He was on his way home from his tour while I was just arriving for mine. It is important to note that none of this was known to me and would not be for 5-years.

I returned home in late 2006 and began to reintegrate into my job and family life. Things seemed wonderful, everything was generally going well and I was promoted at work. Nonetheless, God was still not a central theme in our lives.

About 7-months after coming home and in the summer of 2007, I began to notice odd behavior from my former wife. At one point, I found a hotel receipt of hers listing two adults. I began to suspect her of cheating. That November, just a year into being home, I discovered she was in an affair with Mr. "U" from her military unit. Mr. "U" was married and had an infant child at home. They were finally caught because of the X-rated pictures they were sending to each other. I thought this was affair number one, but later determined it was number three. In addition to the Mr. "D" affair, there had also been a one-night stand during my deployment. Due to this discovery, her and I spent my 2007 birthday in a marriage counseling retreat trying to overcome the affair. During this retreat, she never divulged the previous affairs and pregnancy.

In January of 2008, we decided to have another child. In April 2008, she chose to leave the military, and in hindsight, it was likely because of the several affairs and the rumors that had begun circulating within the local military channels. In September 2008, our second son was born. She remained out of work until the following September of 2009. I relocated for a new job and soon thereafter; she took a position as a HR manager at a local manufacturing firm. I also attained the rank of major. Overall, everything seemed to be going well, except that God was still not a priority.

About four months after she began work, and at the same time we bought a new house in the country, I noticed the same type of suspicious behavior from 2007, and it continued for several months. Our first son was four years old, and our second son was 18-months old, and she was traveling frequently. This time, in May 2010, she was caught having another affair with Mr. "K". Mr. "K" was married and was one of the managers at the plant where she worked. They were using recurrent business trips as their avenue of deceit and cover. She was living corporate double life, similar to her military double life.

At this point, my world disintegrated. I was devastated and smashed into rock bottom. In confronting her about the most recent affair, she told me that she was not in love with me, and she would not guarantee that she would love me again. The affairs crushed my pride, but those statements crumpled any hope. She was callous and remorseless. It was also during this time that I found out about the deployment affairs and the secret abortion. This was from the woman that I loved very deeply. Everything hit me at once.

I gave her a choice of Mr. "K", or us, and she chose him. She packed up and abandoned our boys and me. A few days later I asked her to come back, and she refused. She even laughed when I asked. From then forward, it was the three of us in a large, empty home an hour from work. I had already been taking care of them during her frequent business trips, but now I was on my own for everything, all the time; working, National Guard service, illness, yard care, shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, diapers, etc. I was also worried about custody and court bias toward fathers in a primary custodial role.

I was constantly sick to my stomach and lost 30 pounds in less than two months. I could not sleep. My jaw locked up from tension. My performance at work suffered. I took a leave of absence. Eventually, I chose a more favorable work-life balance for the boys' sake, which resulted in a substantial pay decrease and made it hard to the pay bills. My savings diminished. I retired from the National Guard as soon as I was eligible, forgoing a possible promotion. The divorce took a year and a lot in fees. I tried going to church, but I could not look at other happy couples, and frankly, I could not understand why God did this to me.

Why did I deserve this I wondered?

[Helen]

Brokenveteran,  first of all, thank you for your service to our country, and thank you for telling your story.  Coming back from betrayal is hard and a long journey.  I can speak from experience there.  But to cut to the happy ending, after 9 years of single parenting (six children, five adopted special case kids), I ended up married to the most wonderful man in the world.  We have been married 13 years now and I am more in love with him every day.  He is a wonderful Christian, widely respected, very intelligent and also very funny.  He has been incredibly healing to several of the kids who are now adults, and certainly so for me.  I was looking up at worm's bellies when my ex walked out with another of his many other women.  He had spent a lot of years telling me I was pretty stupid and certainly not very good looking.  I didn't make him happy.  All I can say is God prevented him from leaving until my children were old enough to help and still young enough to need hugging, which I also needed. 

My single parent years were my nightmare years.  I was a Christian then, but that really doesn't lessen the pain -- I had loved him deeply.  But there is a road back and you end up at a much better place than you were before.  I think you have already found that out and God bless you. 

[TonkaTim]

Why did I deserve this I wondered?

You did not & your children definitely did not.

This will sound callous but it is not intended to be.

You and especially your children are probably much better off regardless of the hardships.

Had you to remained together the examples set, could & would most likely had even longer term affects on your children.

In the long-term it will be a Blessing. God can & will use our pains & sorrow to help us grow, while preparing us for better things. In this life & the next.

[Helen]

Tonka Tim said something I would like to add to, just by saying I have found that God does not waste pain.  I have become quite sure He does not allow pain He cannot use.

[chosenone]

Bv, God didn't do this to you, SHE did. Why do you blame God for what another person chose to do? Sadly you chose a lady who was a serial cheater with no idea of responsibility or faithfulness. 
It didn't happen because you 'deserved' it, but because of the women your ex was. I too was left alone with three children 14 years ago now, and like you I found it very very hard, with an income below the poverty line in the UK, debts, ill health, no support, not being able to face church as in your case because I felt cold and dead inside and couldnt bear to see people praising and worshipping and being happy in families, and three hurting damaged children to care for. I had to leave my smallish home and move into an even smaller one, because I couldn't afford the payments and I had no money to pay for the divorce fees. It was a very very dark and lonely time, and it was only by sheer grit, will power and determination that we got through it.   

Like Helen I met my now husband(we married 8 years ago) and he was like the cavalry coming to rescue me. His wife was divorcing him after she met another man, and he too was like a shell, so very sad and weary. Things changed from that time on, and we have such a happy marriage, and he is an amazing step dad to my three now adult children.

I will never ever understand how a mother can leave her children, but there are some incredibly selfish people around sadly.

[chosenone]

Tonka Tim said something I would like to add to, just by saying I have found that God does not waste pain.  I have become quite sure He does not allow pain He cannot use.

God once said to a man I know, "nothing you have been through will be wasted"   

Also wanted to add that God will always bring good out of bad. In your case he has bought you back to Him, and what can be better than that? The children are free from an ungodly mother who has no morals or integrity. They have a good dad who is now following God.
In Helens and my case, He has led us to good and godly husbands who are also great step dads, which we and the children all needed, (and incidently we are both married to Australians)

[brokenveteran]

Bv, God didn't do this to you, SHE did. Why do you blame God for what another person chose to do? Sadly you chose a lady who was a serial cheater with no idea of responsibility or faithfulness. 

I absolutely agree. God did not. Here is some more of my story...

My story was God's plan, and it came with His favor. Even when I could not understand, I questioned Him or I ignored Him, God never left my side. He was always with me during my life and my struggle. God has bestowed grace upon me. God has strengthened me. God is my hope.

For example, after the discovery of the last affair and the subsequent abandonment, I took a leave of absence and later resigned my job. Frankly, I had no idea what my future held. My world had fallen apart. My marriage was a facade. I was devastated. However, I quickly found contract work, often working from home. This allowed me the freedom to take care of the boys, and to tend to legal matters. At that time, the divorce was still pending in the court system. That flexible arrangement was an amazing blessing.

The contract led to a full-time offer, but while I had flexibility, the culture and environment were dreadful. I turned down the offer. Nonetheless, within a few days of receiving that offer, I found work at a family friendly firm with a very understanding and supportive Christian supervisor. I am still at this firm today, and I am very grateful. God provided.

In May of 2011, one year after it began, my divorce was final. More significantly, the judge ruled in my favor and I retained primary custody. Except for accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, that decision, by far, was the most profound decision in my life, and lifted a tremendous burden from me. I have no doubt that this outcome was God's work. I often hear people say that they are astonished of my primary custody; it is less typical here.

In 2012, I recaptured the courage to attend church again. I stumbled upon a local church that began stewarding my relationship with God once more. I attended a session by James Ryle and began to understand what it means to have a personal story. I now find peaceful comfort in church and go weekly. I also take my boys, and have attended small groups on such topics as spiritual gifts and Christian parenting. God presented the church for me.

A personal tipping point for me was the realization and acceptance that what occurred was God's design. I have also come to recognize that my ex-wife would have likely done what she did to anyone. Although the ordeal was the most painful event that I have ever experienced, I understand that good can come from it. There can be a higher purpose that God intends. That winter of 2012, I completely surrendered my future to God.

In 2013, God began working on me to share my story, which was the genesis of this site. He also continued extending His grace. In April, I sold the marital home in one weekend, which also happened to be Easter weekend. The house came on the market on Thursday, and was shown on Good Friday. The same couple viewed it again on Saturday, and I had a cash offer in hand on Monday with a fast 10-day close. Once again, God's hand was involved, and another substantial burden was lifted.

Although I remain underemployed, His grace has opened industry doors for me in 2013, and I am traversing new areas professionally. Honestly, I do not know where He will lead me, but that is OK. I trust in Him. God has seen me through the past few years, and will be there for the remainder. I am following his plan, not mine, and I will faithfully go where He takes me. Amen.

[chosenone]

While I dont agree that God wanted you to marry this lady and have her repeatedly cheat on you, I do believe that God can and does bring good out of horrible situations, as He has done with you.

In my case, it wasn't till I met my second husband that my 6 year nightmare as a single mum ended. I dont know why God didn't seem to help me during that time, or why he didn't provide for us so that I could pay the bills and get out of debt, or why we had to leave our home of 16 years, or why I was ill so much, but that's something that I may never understand.
Our restoration only began when I met my husband who  was like my night in shining armour, and God used Him to help us in so many ways(as he used me to help Him in different ways). Dont get me wrong, I never stopped believing in God, or knowing that he was there, but it was as if I was in a dark cave for all those years and He was a small flickering light.
He actually gave me this word "Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light" so He didn't even deny that I was in darkness.
I believe that He stopped me going under entirely, and gave me that verse. "Though I go through deep waters, they will not overwhelm me" and that was like a life belt to me that I clung onto till help came after 6 years.