Husband says he loves me like a friend help!!

[Aryu]

Whats wrong with my husband? too early to be a midlife crisis.?
Sorry but this is going to be a long one. ok i am 23 and my husband is 28. and we have been married 3 years.
this year in particular he is becoming distant and we don't do intimate things anymore.
now also this year he has been hanging around single friend that are on the hunt ( dating scene)and he has begun the
"i think i got married too soon" ' i saw an attractive girl and i wanted to talk to her" mess. and yesterday he kinda put out there me and him have more of a friendship than a romance. i cried all day yesterday.
i let him watch all the sports he wants( i watch with him) i let him do what ever he wants i don't complain.
he said that there is not any romance...does that make you think of your wife only as a friend?
he said before he did not want a divorce. also we do not have kids so that would not be a reason for him staying.
we have not been Intimate for awhile now and the last time we did he said "ah~shouldn't have done that now i am going to be tired" i was like ....Confused?(are you serious?)
but he does get tired easily with other things too.it might be  because he leukemia about when he was in his teens and he also had radiation and chemo thus he cant have kids now.
and he has been trying to start a up a Business  ( maybe stress?)so whats his deal does he really just love me like a friend now? he said he would not get counseling we have been in a really really bad place for like 2 weeks now.
i am an above average looking person i am not overweight. he said i don't dress up anymore but at the same time he does not take us out anymore. i go to work now i clean and i cook in the morning.
if you need more info please ask.
he said we don't do husband and wife things?( if he means sex he is the one who does not want it) he eats terrible but is not overweight.( i was thinking maybe he is developing diabetes) but that would not explain him loving me like a friend.....
also i might have hurt his feeling about intimacy because i told him after like a year of barely doing it and when we do it its like he doesn't even try.( i was wrong.i know it probably hurt his ego. but tell me what's going on...or what i can or should do... i mean if he is bored like i am sure every one gets time to time i understand but i would like to do something about it but he is unwilling. also i know there are ALWAYS going to be attractive women he will see and honestly there will be some more attractive than me i don't mind him looking but getting the urge to " hook up with her" that's out of order...
by the way as i write this he said he feels shakey all over ....so i think he might be sick but that does not excuse wanting to be with other women.well i am looking forward to your honest and helpful answers from men and women alike thank you :)
i am wondering is he trying to stay with me because we are christian and he worries what people will think. and i know people will say will talk to your pastor but i can't my pastors are his parents. i know God hates divorce but am i really supposed to stay married to a man who does not even love me anymore? please no one can seem to help me i really really need some advise. please help. i don't want a divorce but this is more than i can handle.

[TJW]

All these things you are trying to blame is like blaming the weather on George Bush.  (Although, I do expect to hear that any day now.)

he said that there is not any romance...does that make you think of your wife only as a friend?

Yes.   A "roommate".

we have not been Intimate for awhile now and the last time we did he said "ah~shouldn't have done that now i am going to be tired" i was like ....Confused?(are you serious?)

he said we don't do husband and wife things?( if he means sex he is the one who does not want it)

Likely, he does mean sex, and he's telling you something.  

For a 28-year-old man to not want sex, or to prefer being "rested" than to have sex, there is something DEAD WRONG IN THE RELATIONSHIP between him and his wife.  The likely thing is that there's emotional pain associated with it for him.

You should never assume that you understand what he means.  You speak a different language and live in a different world than him.
You should ask him to explain what he means.

Actually, there may be a great desire inhibitor working in him, from the radiation.  I'm assuming his gonads were irradiated.  This may be causing hypogonadism, low testosterone, which can cause a man to have lower-than-normal sex drive.  However, the fact that his sex-drive is alive enough for him to "hang out" is telling me that this is not the likely culprit here.  Nevertheless, good idea to have a work-up by an endocrinologist or urologist.  Malfunctioning testicles can bring about, over long-term no-treatment, some pretty unfortunate outcomes.

said he would not get counseling we have been in a really really bad place for like 2 weeks now.

Well, if it were related to his leg not working, he would be in a doctor's office tomorrow.  Shunning counseling means he's embarrassed to discuss the problem.

also i might have hurt his feeling about intimacy because i told him after like a year of barely doing it and when we do it its like he doesn't even try

That is the #1, all-time, great inhibitor of sex in men. The fact that he's not "in to it" tends to tell me that you are correct.  I don't know what you "told him", so I can't tell you how I would feel about hearing it.

"loving you like a friend" is likely a "protection mechanism".  He "does his duty" but protects himself from the pain of loving you as a woman.

Was  when you "told him" when the intimacy stopped?  Or, couple months after, maybe?

i was wrong.i know it probably hurt his ego.

There is an old movie called "The Right Stuff" which, among others, portrays a portion of the life of Maj. General Chuck Yeager, who many people thought would be the first man in space.  He was a test pilot. He said in the dialogue of that movie, to his wife:

"I am a fearless man.  But, I'm deathly afraid of you."

too early to be a midlife crisis.?

Generally speaking, yes.  But good catch.  One of the symptoms of mid-life-crisis is "self-medication".  When people have pain, they take medicine.  If they are ashamed to seek legitimate help because of the nature of the problem, they "self-medicate".

"Hanging out" with the singles is "self-medication", like the MLCer does.  If the "medicine" "didn't work", he would stop.  That's the other clue which tells me it's an emotional or psychological issue.

 

[anx]

Talk to your paster or get into Christian marriage counseling if you can. What you are describing is happening to a frightening number of marriages.

I would suggest getting "why marriages succeed of fail" for the quizes contained within. They are a great gauge of where someone is at and why.

Letting him do whatever he wants with sports is well intentioned, but not the answer. He is going through a hard time, and sometimes our role in a marriage is to support our spouse and bring the marriage back to where it needs to be. Support doesn't mean being ok with terrible behavior. Be righteous, pray, and figure out how to bring your marriage from where it is now to where God intended it to be.

We are told to be one and cleave to your spouse.

It may be a long process to figure out what is going on.

From 1 Corinthians 13

7 It (love) always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Your husband is treating you like that because he has lost his way. Help him find it again. Be strong and prepared to do the hard work needed to bring your husband back to you.

I agree to get his testosterone checked. Pills or shots could bring much of your husband back if it is low. Sex often drives us to forgive, forget, move on, and connect with the person we love. For me it is a HUGE force towards making my relationship with my wife work.

Best of luck and God Bless.

[IAMOK]

So sorry this is happening to you. Seems to me your husband has lost touch with reality for reasons said above. He's just floating in space not making good decisions..Maybe depressed maybe led astray. Communicate as best you can to find out whats going on. I might seek counsel from the in-laws but that's a tough one. Pray for him to be the man he should be.. God bless you.

[chosenone]

Aryu I have been thinking about your post for a couple of days now and here are some thoughts.  I feel for you SO much as I can understand how terribly hurt you must be over this rejection.

He is 28, he has promised before you and God to be faithful and to love you, he has entered into a covenant relationship with you, and yet he is acting like an immature teenager. He needs a godly kick up the backside by some godly men in your church!
None of this is about you, and whether you are thin enough or pretty enough, it is about him, and the terrible way that he is acting.

I honestly think that the initial exciting 2 years or so of the marriage has worn off a bit(as it usually does) and he is taking that to mean that he isn't in love with you any more. Love does change over time and that initial 'in love' feeling does change over time, and the love deepens.
I don't think there is anything wrong with his libido, I think he has just stopped focusing his desires on you and started focusing on other women. he is walking on very thin ice.
I just wanted to ask 2 questions.
Is there any chance that he is a porn user?
Is there any chance that there is someone else?
One of these things, may explain why the sex has stopped, but sex in marriage is SO important and as you know it makes such a difference if there is no sex.

I honestly think that you and he need to see some godly Christians from your church, maybe a mature believing couple together, or maybe each going to see someone alone (a man for him and a women for you). I hope there is a man there who will tell it like it is and get him back on track before it is too late.

You yourself need to be strong and not allow him to walk all over you.
The Book called "The Power of a praying wife" by Stormie Omartian may well help.In it there are scriptural prayers for you to pray for him every day.  

If he feels ill, then he needs to get himself round to the doctors and get checked out to rule out anything wrong. Simple.   

Just one more idea. Use verses to speak/pray out each day that will change the situation. Maybe one from the song of songs such as "I am my beloveds, and his desire is towards me" So you say "I am ......(husbands name)beloved, and his desire is towards me." Or another one could be "To Him I am beautiful inside and out". There are many such verses in S of S, and a few in proverbs that you could use. Say, "thank you Jesus that his (husbands name) desire is towards me" Pray these each day, or as often as you remember. This wont change things over night, but over months and a year or two this should  help, and it will also help to build up your faith for things to change for the better.

[Aryu]

Aryu I have been thinking about your post for a couple of days now and here are some thoughts.  I feel for you SO much.
One of these things, may explain why the sex has stopped, but sex in marriage is SO important and as you knmie Omartian may well help.In it there are scriptural prayers for you to pray for him every day.  
If he feelme) desire is towards me" Pray these each day, or as often as you remember. This wont change things over night, but over months and a year or two this should  help, and it will also help to build up your faith for things to change for the better.

Well i talked to him yesterday...and he said that:
#1  I (his wife) has no passion in life.
#2 I am not motivated. And he is tired of trying to motivate me.( I never asked him to...)
#3 The marriage is not benefiting his needs.So what's the point of being married. I don't even know what he expects.
#4 I'm not dressing up anymore.
#5 When i question his affections it makes him question them.
#6 Making me happy does not make him happy anymore because it does not work.
#7 He has goals that he wants to accomplish  so he is taking care of himself now.
#8 There is no time in the day... (that's a irrelevant  excuse...)
HE USED TO WATCH PORN
I DON'T THINK HE HAS CHEATED YET...but i don't know if he has got emotionally attached to someone else.  I am suffering from depression but isen't he supposed to care about his wife? Instead of saying pretty much..."you are boring me,this marriage is pointless i'm only caring about myself now, im not attracted to  you anymore." I will look in to the book thank you. Do you have any input on this new event? sorry for so long. i just don't know what to do...it's feels like divorce is imminent but i don't want a divorce  . But this distant and coldness is becoming unbearable making me too stressed out. 

[chosenone]

As a believer he is acting so selfishly. As a husband he is told to love you as Christ loves the church and to put your needs first, so what is he doing? The total opposite. He is putting himself and his needs first, he has absolutely no Biblical  reason to divorce you and  actually sounds like an immature and selfish jerk. Dont the promises that he made to you before God mean anything? Doesnt he fear God at all?

To be honest, I DO think that your inlaws, who are also your pastors, definetly need to know what is happening here,that their son is planning to divorce you for no reason. Honestly I wish my pastor could speak to him and tell him  that he needs to be a MAN and stop acting like a selfish teenager.

[TJW]

People do what they do for a reason.  It may not be a good reason, but it is the reason within that person's perspective which is the pivotal decision point for his behaviour.

Usual reasons people do things are two:

1) because they think it will make them happy, or happier
2) because it allows them to avoid, or ameliorate, pain

Unless your husband is going to be understood by you, and you by him, you two might as well get a divorce.  In reality, the divorce has already occured at the moment you and he stop trying to see the other person's point of view, and retreat into a position of "filtering" everything said between you by your own background, and personal truth.  This becomes so ingrained in people that lawyers get required to actually sort things out between them.

If you choose to view this, or any other issue in your marriage, as either "his problem" or "your problem", just call a lawyer.  Because you will never come to any place of reconciliation.  Neither partner in a marriage does what he/she does in a vacuum.  There is a set of dynamics which causes people to "polarize", and it is never just one-sided.

There is a wonderful illustration by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called "the crazy cycle":

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.cyberhedge.net/docs/CrazyCycle.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.cyberhedge.net/docs/&h=806&w=805&sz=69&tbnid=GEZ0MmuA7jvozM:&tbnh=143&tbnw=143&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dthe%2Bcrazy%2Bcycle%26tbm%3Disch%26tbo%3Du&zoom=1&q=the+crazy+cycle&hl=en&usg=__BC8Njcf95rgf0ndx8R7XA4q8w1Y=&sa=X&ei=LLrVTYT5H4HogQfMoKGUBw&sqi=2&ved=0CD4Q9QEwBg

This little "crazy cycle" is the trap so many marriages fall into, a "vicious circle" in which neither partner gets his/her needs met.

It sounds like, to me, you and your husband are there.

[Cmm916]

I know this is an old thread. But I just wanted an update on how things were going with you and your husband and if you were able to move past the road blocks in your relationship. My husband just told me last night some things that are similar to your situation. Thank you

Chelsea

[chosenone]

Chelsea, she hasnt been here since her thread.