Husband grown grumpy & bitter

[operagirl]

My husband and I have been married 27 years.  He is my best friend and I love and respect him.  We have had a happy marriage throughout with very few difficult periods.  However, about five years ago several things went wrong in our lives  (I became ill with cancer, our teen rebelled for awhile, our church home of many years became a place of conflict, my husband lost his job and eventually had to take one at a much lower salary, etc.), and since then my husband has become very angry and bitter towards the world. My once kind, gentle, and generous husband now yells at total strangers, argues with people vehemently on line, embarrasses me by being combative in social situations, lays on his horn constantly in traffic, etc.   He has even become very cynical about his beliefs and seems to be angry at God.  I have been praying for him all along and have tried to be understanding and patient, but it is difficult.  He is doing these things in front of our children as well, and I don't know what to say to them about it.  Is this some life transition thing?  He's only in his late 40s, so I don't think it's a health problem.  What is my proper response, and how cannI teach my boys proper behavior without disrespecting my husband?

[anx]

I thought about your post a lot over the past day. I'm also frustrated in my position, but I've not gone through all the stuff your husband has. Only he can find the way to a happier place. What does he say when you talk to him about what you wrote?

I think the path forward would look something like he realizes it is an issue that he wants to fix, talk with other men about it (I was in a men's group a few years ago and it was really good to have people you actually respect to listen to your issue and tell you back their stories and issues), and then work with faith to heal and stay happier.

Those are not easy things to do as a man unless a good community is in place. Men feel like they are supposed to be the one people turn to not having to turn to others.

If you haven't lovingly confronted him, do so. If you have, bring it up again from time to time and lovingly encourage movement towards finding a better way to confront all of this. This is probably his fight to fight, but you can help assist and encourage him.

I hope some of that helps.

[anx]

1 Peter 5:6 NIV

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.


Joel 2:12-13 NIV

"Even now," declares the Lord , "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."   Rend your heart and not your garments. Return to the Lord your God, for he is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in love, and he relents from sending calamity.

These verses came up today as I was thinking. I think it's my way forward in being frustrated, but it is hard to come to humble before God when you feel hurt by your situation despite your best efforts and hard work.

[Tiny Sparrow]

Firstly, .

It sounds like your husband is very scared about circumstances he feels are outside his control. And that appear, when you say he's at odds even with his faith, as if God isn't doing a thing to help either.

That can make your husband feel very alone if he feels as the man of the house that the weight is all on his shoulders to make things work out.
If you had a great avenue of communication before these conflicts occurred, reach for that now.
Are there people you trust to watch your teenager for a weekend?
Why not get away? Just the two of you. Go somewhere and talk. Ask him to open himself to you and tell you what's wrong. Tell him that you miss who he was and want to know how you can help and heal who he's become.

And pray. Pray for God's guidance. Read your Bible. Proverbs is wonderful. I've taken my bible and two bookmarks so as to keep Proverbs separated from the other books on either side of it. And then I've held those Proverbs pages together and meditated on God and asked his wisdom in his word, while reflecting on my issues. I thumb through the top of those leaves of pages asking God to show me where to look and when my finger falls in I start reading both pages of Proverbs. I especially focus on the first verse that my eyes fall on. It's a beautiful thing to have a guidepost in troubled times.

I've found that when I'm in conflict God speaks to me in ways that are hard to miss. Little things that are so spot on.
I'll turn on the TV and there will be a Bible channel that wasn't the channel I last watched before going to bed. This happened to me just this past Sunday. And there's the minister who's sermon I come in on speaking an answer to the very subject that was running through my head while I lay in bed just prior.

So many things that just link to where I'm at and where the Lord finds me with his guidance. It's amazing at first to realize the Lord is right there in this big old universe with an answer for little old me. But that's that link we have within us when the Holy Spirit nudges us to remind us we're not really alone. Even when the worlds challenges and our woes can make us feel as if we are.

There is nothing in your life that God doesn't know and there is nothing he can't help you through. The three of you, God, you, your husband, are all in counseling together if you both just turn to and trust God.

Taking time away for just the two of you to reconnect could be just what you need.
I hold you in my prayers and trust God to show a lamp unto your feet.

My husband and I have been married 27 years.  He is my best friend and I love and respect him.  We have had a happy marriage throughout with very few difficult periods.  However, about five years ago several things went wrong in our lives  (I became ill with cancer, our teen rebelled for awhile, our church home of many years became a place of conflict, my husband lost his job and eventually had to take one at a much lower salary, etc.), and since then my husband has become very angry and bitter towards the world. My once kind, gentle, and generous husband now yells at total strangers, argues with people vehemently on line, embarrasses me by being combative in social situations, lays on his horn constantly in traffic, etc.   He has even become very cynical about his beliefs and seems to be angry at God.  I have been praying for him all along and have tried to be understanding and patient, but it is difficult.  He is doing these things in front of our children as well, and I don't know what to say to them about it.  Is this some life transition thing?  He's only in his late 40s, so I don't think it's a health problem.  What is my proper response, and how cannI teach my boys proper behavior without disrespecting my husband?

[johndoo]

Consider depression.
Depression in men may manifest different than women.
Not sure if he is willing to see a mental health care person or local doctor to discuss this.

[JB]

Yes, I would agree. He definitely needs some counseling help. A good way to get one's spouse into counseling is to say something like, "You know hon, I think our marriage relationship has really been eroding for some reason and we both seem so miserable these days. I have done all I can to improve it and I have failed. I really think that I need to talk to a counselor but I am afraid and would really appreciate if you would help me by going with me."

If money is a factor, there are a lot, esp among Christian counseling centers, who will help with that.

[New Creation]

Firstly, .

It sounds like your husband is very scared about circumstances he feels are outside his control. And that appear, when you say he's at odds even with his faith, as if God isn't doing a thing to help either.

That can make your husband feel very alone if he feels as the man of the house that the weight is all on his shoulders to make things work out.
If you had a great avenue of communication before these conflicts occurred, reach for that now.
Are there people you trust to watch your teenager for a weekend?
Why not get away? Just the two of you. Go somewhere and talk. Ask him to open himself to you and tell you what's wrong. Tell him that you miss who he was and want to know how you can help and heal who he's become.

And pray. Pray for God's guidance. Read your Bible. Proverbs is wonderful. I've taken my bible and two bookmarks so as to keep Proverbs separated from the other books on either side of it. And then I've held those Proverbs pages together and meditated on God and asked his wisdom in his word, while reflecting on my issues. I thumb through the top of those leaves of pages asking God to show me where to look and when my finger falls in I start reading both pages of Proverbs. I especially focus on the first verse that my eyes fall on. It's a beautiful thing to have a guidepost in troubled times.

I've found that when I'm in conflict God speaks to me in ways that are hard to miss. Little things that are so spot on.
I'll turn on the TV and there will be a Bible channel that wasn't the channel I last watched before going to bed. This happened to me just this past Sunday. And there's the minister who's sermon I come in on speaking an answer to the very subject that was running through my head while I lay in bed just prior.

So many things that just link to where I'm at and where the Lord finds me with his guidance. It's amazing at first to realize the Lord is right there in this big old universe with an answer for little old me. But that's that link we have within us when the Holy Spirit nudges us to remind us we're not really alone. Even when the worlds challenges and our woes can make us feel as if we are.

There is nothing in your life that God doesn't know and there is nothing he can't help you through. The three of you, God, you, your husband, are all in counseling together if you both just turn to and trust God.

Taking time away for just the two of you to reconnect could be just what you need.
I hold you in my prayers and trust God to show a lamp unto your feet.

+1 on this. I couldn't have said it better myself as far as what your husband is probably feeling. Praying for you and your husband.

[operagirl]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies and your prayers.  I have believed for some time now that my husband is in grief and depression.  Yes, I have spoken to him about it (gently) on several occasions.  He will not go to counseling for various reasons.  We are still in our same church home (going on 25 years there now), but it has changed very drastically and my husband does not feel comfortable being vulnerable with the pastors there (he doesn't have a long relationship with them).  I think, perhaps, as much as a wrench as it might be, we may need to move to a new congregation where he can establish some godly, male friendships. I do agree that he seems to feel very alone outside of his relationship with me.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

Sounds like Type A personality disorder.  It can be a learned behavior - using anger as a way of "getting stuff done."

Perhaps he feels like he needs to "make it happen" because acting right didn't result in a good life like he'd thought it should.

Jarrod