I'm separated and don't know what to do, please help

[Txbutterfly]

My husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive for years. We've been married 10 years and it started about a year or 2 after we got married when we're past the honeymoon phase. If there was any messes in the house he would throw a fit and call me a slob and say we live in a pig sty and he's in hell. I would cook dinner and he would say he would rather not eat than have me cook and make any kind of mess from cooking. He's called me a stupid idiot, moron, told me I have my head up my butt when I do something wrong. He's always blaming me for everything that happens, if the kids made a mess it's my fault for giving them whatever they made it with or not cleaning it. He blames me for all our problems. He also emotionally abuses me and our kids (3 & 5) by ignoring us sometimes for days on end. He would work then come home and go back and lay in bed and watch TV or even go to sleep. He never helped me with the kids, cooking, housework, anything except a couple times a week he would do dishes. I was expected to do everything. There were several times when I was sick with the flu or very ill and he would still not help me or let me rest. I would beg him to get up when the kids woke up so I could rest and he would just say no or ignore me. He has left me broke down in my car and didn't help because he thought I was stupid for not pulling over to the side even though I couldn't. He very rarely seemed physically interested in me and let's just say I could be a model so it never made sense. I was just all around Unappreciated. About 5 months ago it had gotten so bad that it was affecting my kids in school and my 5 yr old told her teacher she had to protect mommy from daddy's yelling. My 3 yr old would say I hate you daddy when he would start yelling at me and calling me names. It got so bad one day I said if you cuss or call me names in front of the kids one more time you're going to have to leave till you can get help. Sure enough he was yelling at me saying to get my F**iing ass home right now since I "dumped the kids on him" to run an errand for 45 min and that I'm just out buying junk and that all I ever do is buy junk and I'm worthless. I couldn't take it any more and I asked him to leave and he didn't flinch, just packed his bags and left like he wanted to. I always tried to be the best wife, mom, Christian woman I could be. I put up with this horrible treatment for years because I always thought God hates divorce and the only reason is adultery. Which I have seen websites in his history that could qualify for that. Also about 6months ago I found out he had lost all our savings over the past year and put us in debt because he got addicted to day trading. This was mostly money I had saved from when I was working before kids. He hid this from me and then lied about how much debt it was. He promised he would stop day trading but he never did and I found out a month later and he lied again to my face and said he wasn't when I knew he was. I had to show him that I saw the account and he didn't even say anything. I feel like I can't trust him. He has hardly seen us but once a week or even 2 weeks since he left 5 mos ago. He only calls 3-4 times a week and doesn't even ask to talk to the kids or any details of our lives. Yet he says he loves us and cares about us and wants to come back yet he doesn't show it. He was just calling me a F**ing B*tch on the phone a few weeks ago because I said I don't feel like he cares about us. He says all I do is condemn him and make him feel bad about himself and I'm a b*tch. We've been going to counseling for a year and still are but I don't see any major changes. He went to a psychiatrist who said he might be bipolar and put him on all this medication and it seemed to calm him down a little but I never know when he's going to blow up in a rage or be a jerk. I'm so confused and I don't know what do. I just pray for God to guide me and I want to do His will but I don't know what that is. After 5 months of separation I don't see change much but he wants to come home and try to work it out. Please help. Thank you!

[chosenone]

Your first priority is to protect the children, and when their lives are being very badly affected by their fathers abuse then stay away from him.I would never live with a man who was damaging my children. You say God hates divorce, well yes He does because of the pain it can cause, but has it ever occurred to you that he hates spouses and children being abused far more? Unless you want you poor children growing up in this dysfunctional, unhappy, abusive and fearful atmosphere, stay away is my advise.
What does you counselor advise? 

Tell me is this man actually a Christian? Do you both go to church?

[Txbutterfly]

He says he's a Christian and we went to church together for years and he got baptized at the beginning of our marriage. He stopped going to church the past year and a half when things got worse. Maybe he felt ashamed of what he was doing to me or maybe he was just getting away from God but he said he will just read his bible and read Christian self help books and he knows he needs to change but he doesn't. The past few weeks he hasn't had any blow ups or called me names but we don't interact much and maybe it's the new medicine he's on but who knows how long it will last. There have been times in the past where everything seemed normal and fine for a while then he goes into a bad time because something will set him off. But even though he hasn't been mean lately he still doesn't seem to try to see us but once a week or talk to us much or ask the details of our lives. It's so confusing since he says he's Christian, says he changed, and says he wants to come home and loves us but then he doesn't really act like it much. I wish it was more black and white. That's why I need help and don't know what to do. Thank you for your response.

[chosenone]

WHo are you going to for counseling and what do they advise?

[Txbutterfly]

They advised me to separate because they agreed it was a horrible environment. They said don't end the separation unless he has completely changed and shown that over a long period of time and I have peace about it. They never tell you when to end it because she said no Christian counselor is going to tell you to divorce your husband. They just tell you to stay separated until God shows you what to do. Well it's been over 5 months and I still don't know what to do but I feel so hurt and so distant from him and he's done and said so much to hurt me and I don't see a huge change so I find it hard to ever see me with him. But since we have kids together and because I want to make sure what God's will is I'm just waiting and asking God to show me what to do. Its a very unsettling thing. The counselor did say one time if it's been 6 months and he hasn't changed its probably safe to say he's not going to. Also even though he hasnt been as mean these past few weeks, how do I know if he's just on his best behavior or if it's just the medicine and then what happens if he decided to stop taking it. It's just very hard and sad. I'm taking care of 2 small kids by myself, working and hardly getting any help except from my mom who helps with the kids while I work sometimes. It's lonely and depressing and I just want to know what to do.

[Txbutterfly]

Oh and he's never asked me to lunch, dinner, coffee, not once this whole separation to just talk or try to work things out. He says he's not in a good place, depressed, anxious, but all I get is the message he doesn't want to be with me. He might come over once a week and it's more to see the kids. There was a month where he didn't even come to see us even when I invited him because he was in a "bad place mentally". But then he says he loves me and wants to end the separation. It's just all so confusing.

[chosenone]

As
AS you say little seems to have changed after a year of counselling, and he is putting practically no effort into making it better. I wouldnt even begin to think of getting back together at this time. See what happens after another 6 months.
There are some situations in which most Christians would actually advise ending a marriage, and one of them is on going abuse. Its easy not to be mean when he only sees you all once a week isnt it.