Source of Conflict? (ish)

[SHINY4UJESUS]

   After years of poor choices in romantic avenues, I have now been single three years. Never married, no kids; the first to my great joy,(LOL!) the second to a weight of sorrow I suppose. However, I would share some insights and experiences in the event they may help others find solace and perhaps comfort; if not merely a small amount of "kinship."
   For a long time I simply sought the validation of self in the comfort and encouragement of relationships; seeking to give affection more than simply to receive. I felt a sense of incompletion so to speak, in the solitary life; being of a nature to nurture and love, so it drove me often into the arms of a poorly chosen mate time and again. It seemed I was invisible to all but the most emotionally distraught and "damaged," ladies; and to an extent I suppose it served my nature to attempt to institute love and affection in the place of damage and hurt. However, this almost always resulted in my being deeply wounded, cheated on, used, abused, lied to, stolen from, taken advantage of; and generally being little more than a "tool," to suit the temporary needs of others.
    Given my upbringing by a single mom; I tended towards being more "sensitive," and affectionate than many men are, but this also became a detriment in relationships. For years I struggled to realize that many women needed the strong stability of a "harder," man; and tended to feel a bit overwhelmed by a romantic and affectionate nature over time. I tried adapting to fit a new "mold," yet no matter what I did it seemed as though I were doomed to a life of failed attempts at love. What made matters worse, was the abundance of attractive, quality women who asserted that I was very attractive, smart, gentle, kind, sincere, intelligent, humble, and morally/spiritually sound-that any woman would be lucky to "have me." Yet not only they, but every woman of "quality character," seemed to give these praises...yet pass me by nonetheless. This convoluted the picture to no end, and caused a great deal of doubt as well as low self-confidence.
    For years I struggled to understand why I was so often used as a temporary "tool," treated like a doormat, then unceremoniously discarded as though a used-up and value-less commodity. For years I would pick up the pieces of a shattered heart, try to "glue," the pieces back together; and desperately cling to some small sliver of hope that maybe...just maybe, I would someday find a lasting and authentic love. Then in 2014, when my then fiancee out of the blue just vanished with another guy; never to return. I simply gave up.
    You see, at this point the prospect of potential success wasn't as inspiring as the certainty of more heartache and failure seemed to be. I had grown too weary of the cycle which always left me broken, with no self-worth, doubts about who I was and what I truly had to offer; and it was no longer worth the risk of even trying. In my eyes it would only be another deceptive and fleeting season of pseudo-happiness that would pile on another layer of lifelong hurt and regret.
    Since then I have made some great strides in life. Now I am full time in ministry, a published author of multiple works, a respected member within the church and community, and a committed servant of the Kingdom. I have greatly benefited from this period of "single-ness," allowing me to focus on my own walk with God in Christ, and fulfilling the calling in my life. I have learned not to base my value in the affection of another but in the grace afforded me as the blood of Jesus dripped off that cross and into my life. I have learned not to let the baggage of yesterday blind me to the opportunities today to put myself in a better position to succeed tomorrow. The relationship I now have with my Father in heaven is a priceless and incomparable gift that infinitely dwarfs any hurts the past would attempt to bring back up.
    Perhaps I am destined to a single life for the remainder of my days, (only just turned 35,) and if so; that is fine by me, my rewards are internal and Spirit given. Perhaps I will someday be blessed with a sincere and incredibly Spirit-filled, bible believing woman and family; that I can be the father to children that I never had growing up. If that is the case, then that is also fine by me. I am choosing to be intentional here; my gratitude towards God is not contingent upon the result, but is an assurance regardless of the result. In any event, I apologize for my hardly coherent rambling and pray that Father will rant us all clarity in these matters. Thanks and God Bless!