New MIL needs advice

[MeMyself]

My new daughter in law seems to have a big problem with my youngest child (11).  She is critical of her and often shouts at her or ignores her and then speaks very hatefully to her when my dd repeats herself, thinking her sister in law did not hear her.  My dd is a typical 11 year old; she wants to be included with her siblings when they do things, she is developing her own sense of humor and (like the rest of my bunch, including DIL, can get LOUD!), so I know she is not perfect, but still...a little grace would be nice.

What is the best way to handle this? I am NOT ok with it, but live in mortal terror of standing up to her for fear of losing my son.  This is breaking my heart, as I have worked very hard to created a close, forgiving, inclusive family.  We have gone out of our way to make her feel plugged in, accepted and loved from the very start. Her behaviors towards my dd trigger a lot of anxiety and anger in me, due to my past.  She is a believer.


Also, I have been feeling like she resents us...we do not interfere with their life, we do not offer unsolicited advice, we try to stay in our lanes and let them set the pace for how often we have contact with them...

[mommydi]

MM, I had the same problem with my daughter-in-law and my youngest daughter, who was about 11 at the time. My daughter-in-law was jealous of my youngest daughter. My daughter wanted to be included in things, and like you say, was a typical 11 year old girl. My daughter-in-law started trying to come between my youngest daughter and myself, which didn't go over well with me at all. Things didn't improve, and my son ended up divorcing her (not because of the issue we are discussing). So, I don't have that problem anymore. I do understand how you feel about not wanting to alienate your son, while at the same time, toning down the animosity your daughter-in-law shows toward your own daughter, because your daughter is your daughter! Sticky situation, for sure.

[MeMyself]

MM, I had the same problem with my daughter-in-law and my youngest daughter, who was about 11 at the time. My daughter-in-law was jealous of my youngest daughter. My daughter wanted to be included in things, and like you say, was a typical 11 year old girl. My daughter-in-law started trying to come between my youngest daughter and myself, which didn't go over well with me at all. Things didn't improve, and my son ended up divorcing her (not because of the issue we are discussing). So, I don't have that problem anymore. I do understand how you feel about not wanting to alienate your son, while at the same time, toning down the animosity your daughter-in-law shows toward your own daughter, because your daughter is your daughter! Sticky situation, for sure.

It really is. I reached out to her and asked her to help me understand what it is she finds objectionable about dd.  I think its insecurity and jealousy too, but for my sons affections.  She was heard by my older dd, talking about *her* behind her back to my son as well and confronted her messily.  My son was not kind about it at all and my dd ended up in tears.  I feel like my whole family, what i've worked for my whole life, and what I tried so hard to do differently than what I came from, didn't work and it is imploding before my eyes.

I feel like I am failing my dd.  I may have to choose one child over another and that just breaks my heart to a degree I can't find words for.

[mommydi]

I certainly understand what you're going through, MM, and those feelings of things not working out like we'd hoped and prayed for. I'm so sorry.
This happened in my family about 15 years ago, so it's been a while. I do remember finally telling my dil that my daughter is my daughter, and I would not side with dil over my own daughter.

[Texas Conservative]

Best person to confront your dil is your son. 

[chosenone]

Memyself I am sure that your son must see what is going on, and I am sure that he will want it resolved as much as you because he is caught between you and his sister and his wife.
Has your DIL got things that need dealing with? I ask this because its VERY hard to see how an adult woman would be jealous of her husbands 11 years old sister. Was she an only child for example and it used to having all the attention? Is she a little spoilt and used to getting her own way?

Also was wondering how much time you spend together. Could it be that seeing each other a little less may help? Can you also explain to your younger daughter that it may help if she is a little less 'full on' as it were?

I can only think that cummunication between you and your husband, she and your son is thr best way to resolve this. Maybe the DIL needs to look deep and try and understand why she is feeling like this about a child, maybe unresolved issues from her own childhood? The fact that she resents you also seems to point to issues in her own family.  DO they see them a lot? Is she close to her own parents?

[MeMyself]

Best person to confront your dil is your son.

He has expressly said he will NOT be put in the middle of things. He gave me "permission" to fire away.  I told him that I was gonna hold him to it and if he turns his back on me because I do, it will NOT be cool.

I was able to communicate with her this morning amicably and find out what is pushing her buttons...very minor, immature things, so I'm not sure I believe her, but at at least I have some tools to work with now.  When she is ugly with dd again, I can say, "now wait a second. She isn't doing what you said was bothering you anymore, so whats with this reaction at her." 

[MeMyself]

Memyself I am sure that your son must see what is going on, and I am sure that he will want it resolved as much as you because he is caught between you and his sister and his wife.
Has your DIL got things that need dealing with? I ask this because its VERY hard to see how an adult woman would be jealous of her husbands 11 years old sister. Was she an only child for example and it used to having all the attention? Is she a little spoilt and used to getting her own way?

Yes. There are issues. She was abandoned by her father.  She is also the baby in her family, like dd.  And, YES! She loves getting her way. 

Also was wondering how much time you spend together. Could it be that seeing each other a little less may help? Can you also explain to your younger daughter that it may help if she is a little less 'full on' as it were?

Like I said, we wait for them to say, "Hey, wanna get together?"  I don't invite them here, but have let them know the door is always open.  If we are in their town, we will say, "No pressure, but if you are free, we are in town.  Wanna get lunch?" Sometimes, they say yes, others no and its ok either way. 

I was able to tell dd what the issues are and gave her some new boundaries for her to work with.  So, we will see if that improves things.

I can only think that cummunication between you and your husband, she and your son is thr best way to resolve this. Maybe the DIL needs to look deep and try and understand why she is feeling like this about a child, maybe unresolved issues from her own childhood?

I truly think its mostly about unresolved things...but she can't look that deeply at it.  She  was barely able to admit there were things that bothered her that dd was doing...denial is a nasty beast...but what I got out of her, I can work with. I thanked her for sharing with me and told her I would be more diligent with the issues at hand.

[Nevertheless]

I really don't have any answers for you, but this stuck out in the OP: "We have gone out of our way to make her feel plugged in, accepted and loved from the very start." It made me wonder how you would handle the problem if she were another daughter instead of a d-i-l. I'm probably way off base here, but it sounds like you are walking on eggshells with her, and maybe she feels that. Could it be that you need to be a little more firm with her? Something like, "I know [11 yo] can be annoying, but you are the adult here, and may need to make allowances. What can we do to help you get along better?" You may need to "lay down the law" in your house. Perhaps after an altercation you could take her aside and firmly but politely tell her that her behavior (yelling, hateful speech, etc.) is unacceptable in your home. However, it is important that similar behavior is not tolerated from others either.

[MeMyself]

I really don't have any answers for you, but this stuck out in the OP: "We have gone out of our way to make her feel plugged in, accepted and loved from the very start." It made me wonder how you would handle the problem if she were another daughter instead of a d-i-l. I'm probably way off base here, but it sounds like you are walking on eggshells with her, and maybe she feels that. Could it be that you need to be a little more firm with her? Something like, "I know [11 yo] can be annoying, but you are the adult here, and may need to make allowances. What can we do to help you get along better?" You may need to "lay down the law" in your house. Perhaps after an altercation you could take her aside and firmly but politely tell her that her behavior (yelling, hateful speech, etc.) is unacceptable in your home. However, it is important that similar behavior is not tolerated from others either.

I *am* on eggshells, but I don't think its because of her. Its my own fears stemming from two other family members wives, that I was friends with prior to the wedding, but after, I was the enemy and the relationships were strained at best and destroyed at worst with my family members. 

I will try to be a bit more firm, because that is exactly how I would handle it if it were my older dd and my younger dd. 

[chosenone]

So it sounds as if she maybe has a fear of loosing your sons attention and love, as she lost her dad, even if its only to a younger sister or you. She doesnt really want to share him with anyone. Also the baby of the family can sometimes be spoilt cant they. 
Sounds as if she would benefit from some counselling and prayer/ministry but that has to come from her doesnt it.

I think you are doing all you can in trying to get her to talk, and also praying for the situation which I know you will be.