Not sure how to feel

[Maggie1989]

My husband and I have been married for about two years now. Before he came to Christ, he was an avid consumer of porn. After a few slip ups before and after marriage, he gained victory through Christ over that. Now the enemy is attacking him with something else, he has been getting an obsession with body image, his and mine.

It started with him looking up different workouts for women for me to do and getting upset when my results aren't at fitness model level. It has gotten to the point where he has been looking up different hashtags on instagram about strong women and fit women etc.  First, i caught him looking at this by chance. He was very ashamed and said he has been working on it and praying about it. He asked me to delete his app, so I did, and i forgave him and we moved forward. The other day he confessed to me without prompting that he has been looking up this stuff again just on the Internet browser. This upset me but I didn't ask too many questions. He apologized and told me he is still working through it with God and asked me to pray for him. I forgave him, but I was really upset.

I am very insecure about my body to begin with and I find it hard to be sexy for him. I did something bad and I looked up some of those hashtags for myself and i was shocked to see some of the near-porn that is on there. I became really upset about my body.

Our sex life is active, we usually have sex an average of 5-6 times per week, however due to my insecurities, I'm always afraid to 'spice it up' so to speak. Now I am feeling like maybe I should strive to get a hot body so maybe I'll feel better about my body and in turn be able to spice up our sex life. However, my question is if that is something Godly to do, to try to be more like the models he looks at so he can see me as sexy and not see body parts that can be toned and tightened. (I'm not fat, but I'm far from fitness model).

I'm not sure how to feel about this. Any advice would be appreciated.

P.s. I am not looking for condemnation on my husbands actions. He repents to God and to me and is really trying to let go of the chains that Christ has broken.

Thank you!

[mommydi]

It started with him looking up different workouts for women for me to do and getting upset when my results aren't at fitness model level.

You're not fat, and working out, but he's still upset that your results don't resemble the fitness models online? Just trying to get a clear picture of what's going on here. 

[Maggie1989]

Yeah like he never yells or puts me down directly, it was always like if I didn't push myself super hard one workout he would be grumpy or if I missed a workout or two he would accuse me of not caring and making excuses. I guess after two years of working out and not having a six pack like the models is upsetting with the expectations he nay have. (when he is in a good place, he knows those expectations are crazy)
I have a bit of stomach/hip pudge and that annoying back pudge that shows when your bra straps are too tight, but I wouldn't say I'm fat. My overall weight has increased since I started working out because my muscle mass has almost doubled. (I never worked out or lifted weights before I met him because I was a dancer which kept me slim. I do not dance anymore) hope that helps!

[mommydi]

OK, well, I'll just be honest. I'm going to back out of this conversation because I can't think of anything kind to say about your husband. I wish you the best with this.

[Maggie1989]

This is my husbands biggest flaw. This is his biggest stumbling block. He is not perfect, but I realize I'm making him seem like a huge a-hole. He isn't. He is struggling through something and im trying to be the most respectful, loving wife I can. He could have easily harboured secret sin and never told me. He is a great husband, he loves me and makes me feel loved. He serves me and tries his best to love me like Christ loves the church. That is why he is so ashamed and he confesses his sin to me. That is why he knows that it is wrong.

Basically, my question is will be striving to have a hot body help or hurt, in biblical terms. Is it sin for me to want this so I can appear more sexy for my husband? Am I moving past the Godly realm of being a good steward of my body and keeping it healthy? Is it vanity? Will I be 'validating' his view of my body? I'm having trouble discerning.

Thanks

[chosenone]

Good grief, I want to say that the problem is NOT with you or your body,  but with HIM. I think its a huge mistake to marry a man who is or was heavily addicted to porn because as you know now its still badly affecting him and damaging the marriage and your self image and sense of value and worth.

So, you don't have to work out or strive so hard to be this ideal body type, its a pointless exercise to be forever desperately trying to please him when its He who needs to get his act together. If he wants to take part in this sort of obsessive behaviour thats his decision but to force you into doing it to try and be his 'ideal' body as well is appalling.

After all what will happen if you had a baby? The body will change and often will not ever completely get back to what it was before, and you wont have the time or inclination to do this exercise regime then.

I am not an expert on IT but I believe there is a programme where one computer can be sort of connected to someone elses, so he would have an male accountability partner who would be able to see his search history, and if he knows that this man will see what he has been looking at, surely he will not do it any more. Maybe he can meet with this man regularly(must be a moral mature Christian) and they can pray together and talk about it. I honestly think he needs outside help to get this dealt with for good. 

Then there is what you do in the house, so maybe he can give you full access to his phone and computer with all passwords, and you could both agree to have them all in the public areas of the house so he isnt hiding away on his own looking.  There are also porn blockers that can be down loaded.

I also think that you need to make it clear to him that this cant go on. Far too many women put up with this sort of thing for years and years, never give an ultimatum, and then wonder why their husband doesnt stop. One women I know was so fed up with it t after many years that she said its the porn or me, and guess what? He stopped.  Anyway you are not at that point yet. 

[chosenone]

This is my husbands biggest flaw. This is his biggest stumbling block. He is not perfect, but I realize I'm making him seem like a huge a-hole. He isn't. He is struggling through something and im trying to be the most respectful, loving wife I can. He could have easily harboured secret sin and never told me. He is a great husband, he loves me and makes me feel loved. He serves me and tries his best to love me like Christ loves the church. That is why he is so ashamed and he confesses his sin to me. That is why he knows that it is wrong.

Basically, my question is will be striving to have a hot body help or hurt, in biblical terms. Is it sin for me to want this so I can appear more sexy for my husband? Am I moving past the Godly realm of being a good steward of my body and keeping it healthy? Is it vanity? Will I be 'validating' his view of my body? I'm having trouble discerning.

Thanks

There is nothing wrong with wanting to please your husband, but it seems that you are driving yourself out of desperation to be accepted by him in competition with all these ultra fit other women. You need to accepted as you are because of who you are. 

[mommydi]

I'm not referring to his "secret sin" of looking at women body builders online. I was referring to his attitude toward you. If you are painting a realistic picture of the situation - that you work at your physical appearance, going to the gym, etc, but he's still disappointed because you don't have six pack abs, and lets you know - then, that's on him, not you. Not all men get turned on by women body builders with six pack abs, and ripped muscles. Evidently, your husband does. I guess, you can pop some steroids and spend hours a day at the gym to please him, if that's what you want, but that's your decision.

[Texas Conservative]

I'm not referring to his "secret sin" of looking at women body builders online. I was referring to his attitude toward you. If you are painting a realistic picture of the situation - that you work at your physical appearance, going to the gym, etc, but he's still disappointed because you don't have six pack abs, and lets you know - then, that's on him, not you. Not all men get turned on by women body builders with six pack abs, and ripped muscles. Evidently, your husband does. I guess, you can pop some steroids and spend hours a day at the gym to please him, if that's what you want, but that's your decision.

I would be worried he secretly likes other dudes if he wants women to look like a female body builder.

[mommydi]

I would be worried he secretly likes other dudes if he wants women to look like a female body builder.

I was thinking that, but I was trying to be a little more delicate.

[Texas Conservative]

I would be worried he secretly likes other dudes if he wants women to look like a female body builder.

I was thinking that, but I was trying to be a little more delicate.

I'm direct like bull in a china shop

[His_will_i_am]

Maggie, there's many things I've read in your posts that stand out to me. First, it's admirable that you want to get into better shape for your husband. But you shouldn't stand for anyone trying to mold you into their fantasy. He's wrong. By you trying to fit into the mold he's created, you're just going to drive yourself crazy and feed your insecurities. Plus, it sounds like spiritually speaking, there's some kind of idolatry going on that is being fed into.

Now, for some tips. I've studied nutrition and am in training myself. Whatever goals you have for yourself, remember that it's 90% nutrition and 10% exercise. Simply cutting out or down on salt and sugar is enough to reshape your body. If you're trying to slim down,  at the gym focus on cardio and lighter weights at more reps. You'll see great results relatively quickly just going three times a week.

[mommydi]

I'm direct like bull in a china shop

No doubt.    And a man of few words. Never use two words when one will do. That type of man.

[Maggie1989]

I'm not referring to his "secret sin" of looking at women body builders online. I was referring to his attitude toward you. If you are painting a realistic picture of the situation - that you work at your physical appearance, going to the gym, etc, but he's still disappointed because you don't have six pack abs, and lets you know - then, that's on him, not you. Not all men get turned on by women body builders with six pack abs, and ripped muscles. Evidently, your husband does. I guess, you can pop some steroids and spend hours a day at the gym to please him, if that's what you want, but that's your decision.

I would be worried he secretly likes other dudes if he wants women to look like a female body builder.

Thanks, but not helpful. Nothing in my posts said anything about female body builders... That was never something that either of us would want and im frankly shocked to see such judgemental thoughts from folks on a Christian message board. Was that helpful? Was that kind? I don't think so. Maybe I'm just naive, but I came to a Christian message board to avoid that kind of judgement.  I forgive you, but please take your leave from this thread. Thank you.

[mommydi]

I'm not referring to his "secret sin" of looking at women body builders online. I was referring to his attitude toward you. If you are painting a realistic picture of the situation - that you work at your physical appearance, going to the gym, etc, but he's still disappointed because you don't have six pack abs, and lets you know - then, that's on him, not you. Not all men get turned on by women body builders with six pack abs, and ripped muscles. Evidently, your husband does. I guess, you can pop some steroids and spend hours a day at the gym to please him, if that's what you want, but that's your decision.

I would be worried he secretly likes other dudes if he wants women to look like a female body builder.

Thanks, but not helpful. Nothing in my posts said anything about female body builders... That was never something that either of us would want and im frankly shocked to see such judgemental thoughts from folks on a Christian message board. Was that helpful? Was that kind? I don't think so. Maybe I'm just naive, but I came to a Christian message board to avoid that kind of judgement.  I forgive you, but please take your leave from this thread. Thank you.

You said you go to the gym and workout, but your husband was upset because you don't have 6 pack abs. When someone refers to 6 pack abs, that is usually describing a body builder, not just toned muscles. 

[Maggie1989]

Maggie, there's many things I've read in your posts that stand out to me. First, it's admirable that you want to get into better shape for your husband. But you shouldn't stand for anyone trying to mold you into their fantasy. He's wrong. By you trying to fit into the mold he's created, you're just going to drive yourself crazy and feed your insecurities. Plus, it sounds like spiritually speaking, there's some kind of idolatry going on that is being fed into.

Now, for some tips. I've studied nutrition and am in training myself. Whatever goals you have for yourself, remember that it's 90% nutrition and 10% exercise. Simply cutting out or down on salt and sugar is enough to reshape your body. If you're trying to slim down,  at the gym focus on cardio and lighter weights at more reps. You'll see great results relatively quickly just going three times a week.

Thank you, I very much appreciate your comment. It makes a lot of sense. I will need to pray about the idolatry thing too, cause that sounds like a factor.

Thanks for the tips too, we generally eat well, but we have our weaknesses. I will start there and see how things go. My goal is to feel good naked, and maybe show off for him. That's what I want, he has never said thats what I need to do or anything like that. I want to do that for him and maybe trimming down will help me get there.

[mommydi]

The "feeling good naked" has less to do with an extra pound or two and more to do with your mind and how you express yourself. You can be one sexy momma right now. Get to it. 

[chosenone]

maggie, what you said here is all well and good,
'Thanks for the tips too, we generally eat well, but we have our weaknesses. I will start there and see how things go. My goal is to feel good naked, and maybe show off for him. That's what I want, he has never said thats what I need to do or anything like that. I want to do that for him and maybe trimming down will help me get there.'


but its not in anyway dealing with the real problem, which is all his. By striving so much to be his 'ideal' shape, you are merely feeding his obsession and sin.YOu will always be disappointed and hurt because you will never reach his unobtainable goal.  He also needs to stop feeding it by going on to such websites which as you say yourself are practically pornographic. He needs the help, outside help from someone in the church.
Neither of you are doing anything to address HIS big problem/sin.   The solution isnt you getting thinner, but him stopping what he is doing and you have had advise to begin that process.   

[chosenone]

The "feeling good naked" has less to do with an extra pound or two and more to do with your mind and how you express yourself. You can be one sexy momma right now. Get to it. 

This is SO true. 

[mommydi]

Maggie, I have some things to say, and I will try to keep it on a PG rating. Woman, if you wait until you have a better body image to spice it up in the bedroom, you may never end up spicing it up. There's a way to help you loosen up and lose some of those insecurities and inhibitions. Get into him. I mean, get totally into him. Think of your next lovemaking session as the last time you'll do it, and go for it. Throw caution to the wind. Do things that you've always wanted to do, but have felt too insecure to try. If you're totally into him, then you won't have as many thoughts swirling through your head about how you look, and he'll be so pleased, he won't notice an extra pound or two on your ...whatever, or how hard your abs are. 
One word of caution - This should only help if he's a healthy, red-blooded man. If he has a lot of weird hang-ups, beliefs, or insecurities, he may not appreciate this thorough attention, and may see it as threatening to his manhood. Hopefully, your man isn't like that, and will respond to your added attention in such a way that you'll feel less and less inhibited. Good for you. Good for him.
I hope this helps!

[Maggie1989]

Yeah, he's definitely a healthy red blooded man. I'm going to try it, but slowly. I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my insecurities are self imposed. I need to work with God to get that straightened out.

And he knows that it is his issue and it's wrong. If there is anything I can request prayer for him is that an older more mature married man comes into his life as a mentor and someone he can keep accountable to. He has guy friends, but no one suitable to be a mentor.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

[chosenone]

Yeah, he's definitely a healthy red blooded man. I'm going to try it, but slowly. I'm realizing more and more that a lot of my insecurities are self imposed. I need to work with God to get that straightened out.

And he knows that it is his issue and it's wrong. If there is anything I can request prayer for him is that an older more mature married man comes into his life as a mentor and someone he can keep accountable to. He has guy friends, but no one suitable to be a mentor.

Thanks for all the advice everyone!

Can you ask the pastor if he can recommend someone?
Have you thought about the openness with his phone and computer? 

[Alma1995]

I read this post and honestly, you are an amazing wife. I really believe telling your soulmate "I wish you looked like her" it's the most selfish, vile and complete loveless thing you can say to your partner. Remember it's your husband issues, not yours. He has to learn to love what he has