Experience dating a minister

[dianapatrice]

I met a baptist minister on a non-christrian dating site in mid-November 2015. I am divorced, self-employed and a caregiver to my 95-year-old mother. He is three-times divorced, and a recruiting executive. We communicated by phone and text for a month and found that we had a lot in common -- a love of photography, writing, staying fit, travel, and trying new things. We went on our first date in mid-December. Went to dinner, and did not want to leave each other, so we went to a movie. Best first date ever! We did not want to leave each other. Subsequent dates were equally exciting. He asked me if he could be the man in my life, and we agreed that we would stop dating others. He told me he is a "giver," and insisted on giving me gifts for Christmas, New Year's Day, and my birthday, which was in January. In one of our conversations, I told him that I usually like to take a short drive to the beach or the mountains for a brief respite when my sister comes bi-monthly to relieve me of caregiver duties. He told me I was welcome to come to his home and gave a key (second date). He met me in Las Vegas at the end of January when I was there on a business trip.

I felt so connected to him -- mentally, emotionally, physically. Even though he is a minister, he initiated the physical/sexual contact between us, beginning with kissing on the first date.

In February, however, I felt as though he was beginning to disconnect. His text messages seemed perfunctory and he was been avoiding phone calls.

Monday of the second week in February, I asked when we were going to see each other again. He said, "It's going to be a minute. Saturday I have to babysit my grandson, it's my daughter's birthday, and I have to minister on Sunday." I did not see him the previous weekend, because he said he had to work on Saturday, and minister on Sunday. Asked him if I could watch the Superbowl with him. He said he is drained after he ministers.

On Valentine's Day, I felt particularly lonely. He sent me an e-card. But, right after my birthday, he said he was big on Valentine's Day and looked forward to spending that day with me. During a brief conversation on his way to church, I asked him if he received the card I mailed to him. He said that he had received it on Saturday, but had not opened it; that he was going to open it after church.

Sometime after he got home from church, I sent him a text message saying, "Tomorrow it will be 3 months since we first started communicating, I'm still excited. Are you?" He did not respond. I called him later. He did not answer the phone. Eventually he told me he was struggling -- feeling guilty about being intimate. I told him we could be friends. He said he wanted more than friends, that he loved me, and apologized for being distant. He sent flowers and was anxious to see me again.


Fast forward to July 2016. I stayed in this relationship for 8 months, and it was an emotional roller coaster. He would get close, and he would detach. The final straw was in July, when we agreed to take two days off for a staycation -- white water rafting, movies, shopping, etc. However, the week before this was to happen, he called and said he had problems at his job and that it wasn't a good idea for him to take off. But on the day that the staycation was to begin, we talked in the morning, and when I asked him how it was going (assuming he was at work), he said, "It's going OK. I'm just here reading and praying." So he did take off, he just didn't want to spend that time with me.

I mailed him the key to his house and the promise ring he gave me, and sent the following email:

The strange thing is, I took the ring off and put it in my jewelry box when I got home that morning:
Wednesday, July 6.

The following day, you expressed frustration with your job in a text message, and in an ensuing telephone conversation you told me that you did not think it was a good idea to take off on July 14 & 15 for our plans for whitewater rafting, etc., because of issues at your job.

In reality, you still planned to take off, you just did not want to spend that time with me. Too bad, it would have been an excellent time to get to know you better, maybe feel closer to you.

In the 8 months that I've known you, I've become aware of very clear and disturbing behavior patterns:
You detach – usually following what you consider "intimacy" or "sexual contact" with me.
You lie or make excuses when you don't want to see me – maybe due to spiritual battleship.
Also, whenever I ask to visit you, there's always an excuse. Whenever we see each other (except for Vegas), it's when you want us to see each other. Yet, you've said to me, "Come whenever" or "come every day. I have no need of solitude." I never felt you were sincere about these statements.

The ironic thing is that in all of my relationships with men, I've never had a problem with dishonesty. I have a problem now with a minister who can't be honest with me.

I have concluded that you want to be in a relationship with someone only because you want to satisfy your desire to eventually be married.

A marriage can never work if you don't know how to exist in a relationship. Maybe God wants you to be single.

So, I don't want to be in a relationship with you, nor do I want to be married to you, because you cannot:
1. Be honest

2. Communicate

3. Satisfy my mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs

And it seemed so promising in the beginning, but alas...

I'll always love you, baby. Good-bye.


His reply:

Thanks for returning the ring and key. You were correct it was a struggle for me to be intimate and reconcile that with Sunday morning.
I am not a legalistic pharisee . I enjoyed the intimacy. I enjoyed your friendship and care.
At the end of the day the flesh was winning. The only way the spirit could stand a chance was not honorable on my part and hurtful to you. For that I apologize.
It's hard to live a life of contradiction. But I want to be true to me. Thank you for your wisdom and understanding.

[chosenone]

Diana,
Werent the facts that he has been divorced 3 times and that he began sexual intimacy straight away not enough warning for you? The red flags were flying high here right from the beginning. He says he is a baptist minister, but he isn't acting like a Christian at all.

I hope that you didnt have sex with him, for your sake.

[dianapatrice]

I did not have sex with him.

[chosenone]

I did not have sex with him.

That's good. There were warnings though weren't there.

[TJW343]

Wow - divorced THREE times!   Most people are unaware of the fact that the divorce rate for 2nd marriages is about 75%.  For 3rd marriages, it's 80%.  A 4th marriage is close to 85%. 

Plus he initiated sexual contact.  If he is a minister, I would leave his church...  He seems to be a "professing" christian - not a real believer.  I think he did you a favor flaking out the way he did...please try to avoid multiply divorced people.  The odds are poor of success with them...

[Tertullian]

If he hadn't been divorced three times, and if he hadn't initiated the physical contact, I'd suggest he was struggling with feelings of guilt for his fornication.  How do you pray to God when you're living a sinful lifestyle?  You can't.

Going back to my days of being single in high school, girlfriends were great, but they'd often be too demanding of my time.  I wouldn't mind it in the initial phase of the relationship, but communicating just to communicate is tiring for a guy.