dating a non-believer

[donutguy640]

I need advice/perspective on a few things. I'm sure I'm including some irrelevant points, but if I knew which points to focus on, I probably wouldn't need to ask. So, here goes...

First, I don't know whether to apply the "equally yoked" concept to bf/gf relationships the same as for marriage relationships.

Second, I've heard the "equally yoked" verses interpreted to mean that long-time Christians shouldn't marry new converts. This doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm open to suggestion.

Third, what do you think is an acceptable age range for marriage relationships? More importantly, what is the reason for the restriction?



FIRST
I don't believe Christians should marry non-Christians. I'm not so sure, however, about dating.

I'm not worried about "wasting my time" on her, though. Where for many, the alternative may be to go seek a different partner, my alternative (by choice) is to return to the single life. I'm only asking about whether it's right or wrong.

It's not marriage, we're not having sex, not touching each other sexually (unless you count kissing? do you? should I?). Believe it or not, I've never touched anyone sexually, and never sought a relationship. That even includes kissing, before her.

We've talked about this, and despite her lack of faith, we're both committed to remaining chaste, and both willing to committ to each other for life. (pending answers to these questions, for my part, and 8 years on hers) She understands that it's important to me not to marry a non-Christian. She also understands I'm not sure about dating one, and that I'm researching it.

She's studying the Bible, and has been since before we started dating, and I believe she's sincerely trying to become a true believer. (Don't read into that too much; I wont marry her before I honestly feel she's saved.)



SECOND
Similarly: as I understand the argument, unequally yoked as applied to a new convert situation, is like going in circles due to a taller/stronger ox being yoked to a shorter/weaker one. I wonder why the stronger ox isn't just put closer to the middle of the load, but I suppose all analogies break down. I just don't know if this is where this one breaks down, or if it even was meant to apply in this way.

I'm pretty sure I already know the answer to this one, but given the nature of my situation, I'm doing what I can to make sure of everything before committing.

If that IS the case though, it doesn't seem too far different to say Republicans shouldn't marry Democrats, etc., and that seems more of a case-by-case issue than unilateral right and wrong.

Alternately, as I think, do those verses simply mean not to marry unbelievers, so that the metaphorical oxen don't pull in OPPOSITE directions (as opposed to the same direction, but with different strength?)



THIRD
What is an acceptable age range for dating/marriage? Why?

The girl I feel I've fallen in love with is 22, and I'm 33. For whatever reason, she has said she wants to wait till she's 30, and I am ok with that. I would prefer sooner, but given that I've spent my entire life avoiding relationships, I think I can wait a few more years if that's what it takes.

I've prayed a few times over the years, that if He wants me to marry someone, to make it obvious. If this doesn't count, I don't really know what does. I didn't seek this relationship, and I don't plan on seeking another. I do, however, plan on waiting for her if I can't find any solid reason not to.

Every time I prayed that, in the same breath I also prayed to just let me remain single. My reasons are my own, and out of scope of these questions. I guess I just include it to say, for what it's worth, I've never felt inclined to seek out a relationship.

[donutguy640]

Regarding the first question, think I've pretty well come to a conclusion. I suppose dating her may be cutting off the possibility of God dropping someone else in my life?

[chosenone]

Dating should be with the intention of finding a spouse, so dating a  non-believer is very unwise because you then have to choose between God and them. Sometimes the non-believer will convert, but often they wont.Sometimes they pretend to convert so they can keep you. 

A girl telling you that she doesn't want to marry you for 8 years is madness.  IF you are in love with someone and aren't having sex then there is no reason to wait. Another red flag. What if you date her for all that time and she still refuses to get married? Surely a year or two is quite enough. 

I have never been interested in a relationship with a large age gap, but some seem to work. but that's not the main concern here anyway.

As someone I know said, if you are serious about your faith, then why date a non-believer. Have you talked to anyone from your church about this?

[NorrinRadd]

A believer dating an unbeliever is basically dating a member of another species.  It would be challenging enough dating another *believer*, but one with very different views about many areas of faith.

[Rella]

Ask yourself... "What am I dating for?"

And if it is not to find a spouse then why are you doing it?

If it is... you have answered your own question.

Life is difficult enough with Christian v. Christian and differing viewpoints on things from religion to whatever, but
if you mix in a non-Christian..... That is a recipe for disaster.

[chosenone]

2 corinthians 6 v 14
Stop becoming unevenly yoked with unbelievers. What partnership can righteousness have with lawlessness? What fellowship can light have with darkness?

[Texas Conservative]

Donutguy,

This won't end well.  Both the non-believer and the age difference.

A 22 year old woman in today's society will not be on the same wavelength in life experience as you.  She's practically still a child.

[donutguy640]

First off, thank you all for replying. I don't yet feel it's helpful, but I appreciate it all the same, you are at least answering.

Sometimes they pretend to convert so they can keep you.

Lets say I find a girl at church, then. Not going to happen, mind you, because I've never sought a relationship, and don't plan on starting now. But, for the sake of argument, lets say that. There's still a distinct possibility she'll be a false Christian, or otherwise lacks the integrity to be able to actually commit, and I wont be able to determine that just from her words, I'll have to figure it out from observation, yes? What's more, it seems like about half of the relationships I've seen formed in that manner, STILL end in ruin.

If you're saying there's a better chance of it working, if I found a professing girl at church than if I found a non-believing one at school, I would agree with you...if my situation were that of having sought her out. That is not my situation, and I am not interested in "probabilities", preferring to rely on God to send the right woman to me, if anyone at all.

(Maybe you weren't saying that, in which case, please disregard; I'm simply addressing what I think you're thinking)

Did God put her here? Heck if I know, that's why I'm asking around. I'm not asking you to know for sure either, but so far, nothing's been said that I haven't already considered.

What if you date her for all that time and she still refuses to get married?

Then I happily go back to being a bachelor. Granted, I would be hurt, and sad, but I would also be thanking God it happened before marriage.

Plus, the wanting to wait several years, I think is a cultural thing, she's Chinese. Perhaps I should have been more thorough in my details, but I didn't think it relevant at the time, and was trying not to write a novel. O_o

Have you talked to anyone from your church about this?

Not my current church, yet, though I have asked one I highly respect from a past church. I have always preferred typing over voice, and thought reasons are reasons, regardless of who comes up with them. I have just asked a couple more, though, and am preparing to ask my pastor and parents.

My parents are strong Christians, but they're also my parents, and tend to want me to look out for myself at the expense of following God. I also don't relish the notion of encouraging them to think I'm finally getting hitched, until I'm sure of it.

will not be on the same wavelength in life experience as you.

Someone my age will be? It seems to me, you can take any two people of a given age, and they're likely to be on different wavelengths.

[chosenone]

Whether what we have said is helpful or not, we know what God says about this, and that is NOT to be with/marry a non-believer.
God never contradicts himself, so this non-Christian lady isn't sent from God for you. In the future she may or may not convert, but for now she isn't, so you shouldn't be dating her.

I have found its pretty easy to tell if someone is a genuine believer if you spend time with them, observe them, listen to them, see how they spend their time, how they treat others, what they do for God, whether they want to pray with you etc.

I have no idea why a Chinese lady would expect a man to wait 8 or 9 years to marry. Its not what God says. In Bible times people married very young.