I think this is the right forum

[onthepath]

Hello -

I posted on the introductions section yesterday.....I think this is the right forum.

I was a person who was sexually abused as a young child, and never dealt with that hurt until recently.  I tried many things....porn, food....I didn't know I was trying to salve a wound...I just knew that something was wrong. 

I accepted Jesus about 25 years ago, but it didn't really seem to make much difference to me.  Then, about 6 years ago I sort of woke up to the fact that there had to be more to this Christianity thing than reading the Bible at church and praying at meals and at church.  I started really getting into the word for myself, started applying some of what I was learning....I felt like I was starting to hear God speaking to me very much.

I met a woman a couple years later(I'm married...have been for almost 20 years now) who seemed interested in my faith....and after awhile she accepted Christ.

And that's when trouble started.  We became very much involved in each other's lives, became very emotionally involved, and had an affair.  The affair ended last winter, I chose to stop.  It was weird, my wife and friends knew about it...I had ended up moving in with this woman, and one night I just knew I needed to speak with my wife, to hear her voice......and I left that meeting with my wife knowing that I could no longer continue in the affair. 

Since then, I've learned through counseling, through an Every Mans' Battle workshop, the root of my desire for porn, for food, for this woman from the affair.  I've been free of porn and the desire for it for a few months, I've lost over 35 pounds, and I've not spoken to the woman since I transferred away from the place we used to work together.

In that time I've seen my wife and I grow closer together than I imagined possible.  We attended a marriage workshop in which I learned more about what marriage is supposed to be then I'd ever learned before, learned what a husband should be to his wife.   

I've begun to crave the word so much....I meet with an accountability partner once per week, and he describes what's been happening with me as a 'return to my first love.'  I understand that.....it used to be that when I said, "Jesus loves me" it was a head knowledge thing...I knew it was true, but I didn't really know what that felt like.  When I came home from the affair, my wife could've told me to leave...but she didn't.  She told me that she couldn't love me enough on her own to be with me, but with God's help she could.   I see that day as the day I truly knew God loved me. 

I see that day as the day I received the gift of repentance.  I understand about how Paul talks about being alarmed about the sin in our lives as stated in 2 Cor. 7.  I know that repentance was no act on my part...it was a gift.  Many people prayed that I would see the light and repent, and He gave me a gift.  I will never forget that gift as long as I live... I think I can relate to the prodigal son very well.

So, why am I writing? 

I've been on a very narrow, intentional life......but lately a fear has crept in.  On the last day that I worked in the same place with the other woman, she gave me a poem she had written.  By that time I was very much done with her....I wanted nothing to do with her and had gone out of my way to make sure our paths didn't cross anymore.  Anyway, in the poem she talked about wanting to still walk with me and hold my hand, and I believe she probably did still feel that way.

The fear......I fear that she's still out there wanting to get in contact with me.  And sometimes the fear is that there will be a woman somewhere who satan will use to try to drag me down.  At my new workplace I intentionally stay away from any conversations with women who I don't need to talk with. 
I go to work, I do my job, I go home.  Outside of the workplace I have a group of guys I meet with, and I am open with them.  I am open an transparent as much as possible with my wife.  But this latest fear......it frightens me.   My counselor, a Christian guy, told me that wherever I go there will likely be a test, likely be some woman who satan may try to use to distract me. 


I'll be sharing about this fear with my acc. partner on Monday.  Sometimes, though.....he tells me that I'm too hard on myself, tells me that I'm very much in touch with my emotions and that if something was wrong I would know. 

I'm not sure if I'm making sense or just writing. 

There are days when I wouldn't mind talking to this woman.  There...I said it. Maybe that's what scares me.   I've experienced repentence, experienced healing and forgiveness, was blessed with a transfer away from this woman.....and some days I hope she'll call me just to talk.

And that makes no sense at all.

I will share with my acc. partner...someone near me needs to know.


I just looked at Jon-Marc's post in the "introductions' forum.  Jon, I feel that I have been keeping my eyes on Him...in the word, telling him my thoughts, giving him all of my emotions, reading and listening for guidance.  He saw me through a huge storm that made me shake.   

[CSloan]

There are days when I wouldn't mind talking to this woman.  There...I said it. Maybe that's what scares me.   I've experienced repentence, experienced healing and forgiveness, was blessed with a transfer away from this woman.....and some days I hope she'll call me just to talk.

And that makes no sense at all.

Its the temptation of the flesh. This is something you will always deal with, not always with her or women; but in one form or another. Satan come to you in places he knows your weak. When that happens you just keep in mind who is your strength.

Temptations will pass, just pray for strength and confess these things to people you trust.

[onthepath]

CSloan -

Thank you.  What you said helps a lot.

[zoonance]

Sounds like you are putting on the full armor of God.  It isn't just about "just say No!" (although that is a great place to start!!) but it is also about leaving on the full armor of God!  Thanks for sharing.  You are in our prayers... and keep us in yours!

[janine]

Just remember, the sin is not in the temptation.  Otherwise the Scriptures could not say that Jesus was a man with us here, tempted as we are.  Because the Scripture also says that He got through this life without sin, you know?

If sin enters in, it's when, and because of, what you do with the temptation.

So... you have a scary thought.  You remember some positive aspects of a relationship that was, by context, a sinful one.  (Like, it's not sinful to talk to and care for and even have sex with a woman.  The sin enters the picture with the incorrect who what when where why.) 

That's like remembering your surprise and delight when you actually had a delicious dessert served to you with your hospital food,  when you were in for a dangerous painful operation.  Or it's like fondly remembering the pretty blossoms on a bush in the landscaping below the window of a jail cell you used to be in.  Nothing wrong with the fact that a positive feeling pops up from time to time from the past, even if it arises from a sinful situation.

Now -- to keep sin from entering in, from arising out of that scary memory --

What are you going to do about it?  That's the key.  Sounds like you're already doing constructive things about it.

[onthepath]

Janine -

Right...what am I going to do with the temptation.  It seems that now I have no choice but to arm myself daily with the full armor of God......it's as if quick prayers in the midst of temptation aren't enough....being armed and fully prepared ahead of time is vital. 

I remember reading 'Every Man God's Man' a few years ago.  I remember a question:  "What do you let your mind marinate in?"  It seems that the more I spend time in His word, the more I spend time talking with Him, the more His words and the conversations He and I have come to mind when temptation arises.

My wife.....it's a long story, but twice now(once before we were even romantically involved) she has been used by God to bring me closer to Him.  He reminds me of this often.....that she is the one chosen by Him to bring me close to God.  No other woman can match that. 

I'm just writing now.   I know that temptation will come.....I'm kind of understanding(I think) more about this narrow path.......it's as if now that I'm aware of how much the enemy wants to destroy me, the more he tries to destroy me.  I know the battle is already won, but it's as if I now have to daily enter the battle to make sure my little front stays won.  No, that's not quite right, I'm not sure how to articulate what I'm thinking.  It's as if God has won my heart, but I have to.....I'm not sure how to say what I'm trying to say.  Maybe each day I have to go out and claim victory by walking with Him at every turn, by acting as if the victory is won, rather than act defeated or oblvious to the battle.  Maybe that's what I'm trying to say.

[CSloan]

Janine -

Right...what am I going to do with the temptation.  It seems that now I have no choice but to arm myself daily with the full armor of God......it's as if quick prayers in the midst of temptation aren't enough....being armed and fully prepared ahead of time is vital. 

I remember reading 'Every Man God's Man' a few years ago.  I remember a question:  "What do you let your mind marinate in?"  It seems that the more I spend time in His word, the more I spend time talking with Him, the more His words and the conversations He and I have come to mind when temptation arises.

My wife.....it's a long story, but twice now(once before we were even romantically involved) she has been used by God to bring me closer to Him.  He reminds me of this often.....that she is the one chosen by Him to bring me close to God.  No other woman can match that. 

I'm just writing now.   I know that temptation will come.....I'm kind of understanding(I think) more about this narrow path.......it's as if now that I'm aware of how much the enemy wants to destroy me, the more he tries to destroy me.  I know the battle is already won, but it's as if I now have to daily enter the battle to make sure my little front stays won.  No, that's not quite right, I'm not sure how to articulate what I'm thinking.  It's as if God has won my heart, but I have to.....I'm not sure how to say what I'm trying to say.  Maybe each day I have to go out and claim victory by walking with Him at every turn, by acting as if the victory is won, rather than act defeated or oblvious to the battle.  Maybe that's what I'm trying to say.

The last part of your post is so true. Its about walking with him each day, facing temptations and turning from sin to the arms of a loving Savior. Jesus said in John 16:33 that in the world we will have tribulation, but we should be of good cheer because he overcame the world. Then we are told in 1John 4:4 that greater is he that is in you than he that is in the world.

Without getting into a ton more passages, just take heart. A man is at his height when he is on his knees.

[janine]

There is great power in the humiliating realization that I am (we are) a mess if we don't keep our hand in Abba's hand all the time.