I'm out and here!

[cristals mama]

Hi,
Just wanted to let everyone who has been praying and pulling for me in my marriage crisis that I am here.  I am out of FL and in NJ, the drive went very well and my $300. car made the drive with the blessings of God!  I don't have alot of time tonight to go into alot of details, but my daughter and I are safe and well at my mom's house.  You would think to see her that my daughter has been here for her entire life, she is enjoying herself and fit right in from the 1st moment.  She has not shown any signs of being upset and has not even asked about or mentioned her father other then when she speaks with him on the phone and then she usually makes every conversation extremely brief.

I am feeling very peaceful and without stress for the 1st time in many years at the moment although my husband calls several times a day to attempt to keep track of what we are doing and/or attempt to place a guilt trip upon me and convey his general annoyance with the entire situation.  He is still pushing for me to bring our daughter back to FL for a 'visit' at Christmas but that is the last thing I want to do as I am worried and suspect he will most likely use it to gain control back over us again.  I haven't told him yet that I do not plan to return as I know that when I do things will become very very ugly with him, so please continue to pray for our protection and security as we need all the prayers we can get!

I will be back to post again soon,
love you all

Kim

[HRoberson]

Cool!

Glad you made the trip safely.

Blessings

[cristals mama]

Cool!

Glad you made the trip safely.

Blessings

Thanks so much!  Now begins the real work I suspect, lots to work on in myself and many many decisions to make in the long run concerning myself, my daughter and my marriage.

[Faithlynn]

Hi again -

Your husband's behavior is classic.  He will be extremely charming now - he will say anything to get you to come back - promise whatever it takes to get you to try again and he will keep those promises should you go back to him - for at least a month but not much longer.  If you begin to not only think about your and Cristal's future in NJ, but to actually set events in motion (as I mentioned before - preschool and a job), you will gradually find that having control over your own life is really great!  The better your life looks to you, the less likely you will return to your way of life in FL.  Also, if you are working you would have the perfect excuse for not going back to FL at Christmas.  There will be times you will miss your husband - times you will think about the good times you shared - but also think about all the verbal abuse - how he made you feel about yourself.  You and Cristal deserve better. 

It has been 3 months since Kelly made her move and Ricky's constant phone calls are finally beginning to taper off a slight bit.  You just have to stay strong and hang in there - your husband will begin to back off also.  I will remember Kelly and you in my daily prayers.   


         

[kensington]

I think you should try to remain there and stay settled for her sake during the Holidays, give her Christmas with her grandparents and family, let her see you at peace and having a nice time too.  Let her see what family should look like.  You have come this far.... don't go back now.  You may not get out of Florida a second time! 

[Petals]

Cristals mama, I am so happy for you!!!  Your new beginning will lead to a much better life for you and your daughter.  I'd suggest you find a church fellowship and get involved there.  It will help you and your daughter to make new friends, and will also give you other emotional support.

Blessings to you and Cristal!

[Imabear]

Kim, I'm glad you made it to NJ safely!  :)

[cristals mama]

Hi again -

Your husband's behavior is classic.  He will be extremely charming now - he will say anything to get you to come back - promise whatever it takes to get you to try again and he will keep those promises should you go back to him - for at least a month but not much longer.  If you begin to not only think about your and Cristal's future in NJ, but to actually set events in motion (as I mentioned before - preschool and a job), you will gradually find that having control over your own life is really great!  The better your life looks to you, the less likely you will return to your way of life in FL.  Also, if you are working you would have the perfect excuse for not going back to FL at Christmas.  There will be times you will miss your husband - times you will think about the good times you shared - but also think about all the verbal abuse - how he made you feel about yourself.  You and Cristal deserve better. 

It has been 3 months since Kelly made her move and Ricky's constant phone calls are finally beginning to taper off a slight bit.  You just have to stay strong and hang in there - your husband will begin to back off also.  I will remember Kelly and you in my daily prayers.   
     

thank you Faithlynn, I have alot to do (a bit overwhelming) and I admit I am afraid to tell him I won't come for Christmas (that fear he put in my head and heart of making him angry are still present all the time- so strange with all this distance) but I am more worried about what he could possibly pull if I do go back there, no to mention the fact that it would be miserable for me.  Christmas has always been a special time in my heart but I spent the entire span of it in tears with a broken and turmoiled heart last year and I can't bare to go through that again!

He calls and tells me how he feels so insignificant right now, asks me if I miss him and tells me "you can call me too you know", but I don't and I don't want to, as a matter of fact I find myself not really even thinking of him at all until he calls yet again.  Is that strange?

I feel a bit displaced here at my mom's (I don't want to intrude on her, plus the house is in bad shape, aged and different and it's hasn't been a part of my life in a very very long time- at least 20 years) but I don't want to go back to FL, I want to be able to live my own life with my daughter in our own space asap, I am just not sure where to begin and it is so difficult to feel sure that I can do it.  Just one step at a time, I know.

I want to heal but I never want to forget the verbal abuse etc..  because I never want to be fooled again into becoming trapped back into the same nightmare all over again.  I still have all the garbage he put in me floating around, that part I want to be rid of, but I don't want to ever completely forget.

Thank you for your love and prayers, I pray also for your daughter!

Love,
Kim

[cristals mama]

I think you should try to remain there and stay settled for her sake during the Holidays, give her Christmas with her grandparents and family, let her see you at peace and having a nice time too.  Let her see what family should look like.  You have come this far.... don't go back now.  You may not get out of Florida a second time! 

yes I agree with you 100% kensington and that is what I want for my little angel most of all!  I don't know how to tell my husband I am not coming and I am afraid of his reaction- I'm sure this is irrational but still...  He threatens legal action sometimes when he thinks I won't do what he wants and other times tries to sound like a saint!  I don't want to get trapped in FL a 2nd time- that is my worst nightmare.

[cristals mama]

Cristals mama, I am so happy for you!!!  Your new beginning will lead to a much better life for you and your daughter.  I'd suggest you find a church fellowship and get involved there.  It will help you and your daughter to make new friends, and will also give you other emotional support.

Blessings to you and Cristal!

[quote w8ing4daybreak] Kim, I'm glad you made it to NJ safely!  :)[/quote]

Thank you both so much, I am going to church tomorrow with my brother and will seek a good fellowship for my daughter and I in the days to come!

[Serenity432001]

I'm so glad you made it safe and sound.  That's just awesome.  You and your daughter will continue to be in my prayers.  One thing my counselor told me that just because the phone rings doesn't mean I have to answer it and there is a hang up button if he gets abusive on the phone.  That was helpful to me because I felt like I had to answer and had to listen to him.   Anyway, I'm excited about your new journey and I know you know this but whether or not you go back Christmas is your choice, not his, and I know you want what's best for your daughter and putting her back in that situation this soon is probably not the best move.  I really pray that God gives you the strength and courage to get out from under his control.  Thanks so much for the update and keep us posted as you can. 

[cristals mama]

Hi everyone, anyone:

Still the drama continues, my husband has been jumping back and forth from trying to sound like the caring concenrned man of the year to sounding tense, angry, challenging, threatening, to apologetic ... and back to the beginning and around again making me crazy.   So now in addition just to make matters even less stressful (note sarcasm), my husband is starting to turn nasty and confrontational about our separation.  Saying things can't get better between us with distance so since I left we should just take the next step to divorce...  I was pretty sure that he must have been trying to set me up or something, maybe recording because he kept making key statements such as; you took my daughter and ran, you grabbed what you could and took off, without my permission, this was you fault to, there was nothing I could do etc.  When he called me while I was in the womens shelter and begged me to come home to talk to him I made it very clear that I was leaving, when I was leaving, and where I was going with our daughter and the only reason I stayed for that time was because he said he would not give me any trouble and would allow me to make my plans and leave peaceably during this time. 

He was really going at me like he was trying to get me upset so I would lose control or something, demanding that I speak with him about where we stand and what we are going to do about us.  He was threating my custody of our daughter telling me that I either needed to work visitation and everything out personally through him in and he has the right to have our daughter with him for every single holiday and birthday at my expense and time of bringing her to him in FL or he would go to a lawyer and force me to come back there with her permanently if I didn't.

He knows perfectly well why I left and that my little girl is the one and only thing on this earth that means anything to me and he is trying to place fear and control over me once more, so now I am spinning in the middle of all this as well wondering what my next move should be as well as what he may try or if he is bluffing or not.

I am much like a woman without a place or country right now-  all I want is to be free from this craziness to live a life loving God in peace with my little girl!   

[corndogloaf]

Cristals Mama,

I've been reading up on your story, and I'm so glad that you have gotten away and are safe. I've never been in a situation like that before, so I dont know what advice to give, but you and your daughter will be in my prayers. Stay safe and dont give up!

God Bless!

laura

[bemark]

When was the last time he has seen his daughter ?

[Petals]

Kim, it sounds like he is still controlling you long distance by making you miserable and fearful.  I wouldn't even answer the phone, but if you must, boldly tell him you're going to hang up if he starts to talk hateful.  Be strong and hold your own.  He probably doesn't have the money to hire an attorney to pursue you out of state, and you did the right thing in taking your daughter out of a bad situation. 

As Faithlynn suggested, visit a woman's shelter and seek a counselor there as soon as you can.  They can help you rebuild your life one step at a time. 

Congratulations!  You're over a week into your new life!  It's going to get better as time goes on.    

[Serenity432001]

My ex did almost exactly what you described.  Is there anyway you can find a group or individual counseling where you are?  I don't know how I would have gone through it without it.  His behaviour is not surprising to me at all.  Don't let him scare you about being able to get custody.  For one thing he probably doesn't really want that responsibility, he just knows thats THE button to push and he's feeling desperate right now.  Try to stay as calm as you can, tell him as little as you can, talk to him as little as you can get by and search out friends that have been there if you can't get a good counselor.  Thanks for keeping us posted and do know there will be brighter days ahead and this will not last for ever.  As they say, This too shall pass.  You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa P

[Faithlynn]

Kim – Kim – Kim

You remind me of why I had to back away for a period from my on-call counseling.  Your little logo fits perfectly – I felt/feel as if I was/am butting my head against a brick wall.  You sound surprised or as if you are telling us something we don't know because your husband is "jumping back and forth from trying to sound like the caring concerned man of the year to sounding tense, angry, challenging, threatening, to apologetic.

[cristals mama]

When was the last time he has seen his daughter ?

1 1/2 weeks ago

[cristals mama]

Kim, it sounds like he is still controlling you long distance by making you miserable and fearful.  I wouldn't even answer the phone, but if you must, boldly tell him you're going to hang up if he starts to talk hateful.  Be strong and hold your own.  He probably doesn't have the money to hire an attorney to pursue you out of state, and you did the right thing in taking your daughter out of a bad situation. 

As Faithlynn suggested, visit a woman's shelter and seek a counselor there as soon as you can.  They can help you rebuild your life one step at a time. 

Congratulations!  You're over a week into your new life!  It's going to get better as time goes on.    

Hi Petals,
yes that is I'm sure what is doing/trying to do although he denies it, talked to him yesterday and now he denies making the threats about lawyers, FL and custody- says again that our daughter is better off with me and he only wants me to bring her back for Christmas and her birthday and that is it and he cares about me etc....  I did hang up on him during the other ugly conversation and refused his calls until late yesterday afternoon after which like I said he was being very nice again at least for the most part.  Asked if I was going to let him see our daughter for Christmas to which I said that I have no response for him to that in light of his ugly threats the day before.  He tried again briefly to threaten me legally and I responded that it is a bit twisted that he keeps telling me that he wants to work things out amicably between us but then threatens me with legal action and forcing me back to FL etc.. and how that does not create amicable feelings but rather defensive ones.  After that he changed his tune and began behaving nicely, saying he just wants to see his daughter on those two occasions.  I told him I would not even consider it unless he puts in writing notarized that the trip to FL is only a visit and that he has consented to us moving to NJ and will not contest my full custody of her-  he agreed and says he will send the letter so I guess we shall see!

I had called the womens shelter last week and have an appointment (the 1st available) on this coming thursday, they have explained to me however that they no longer do individual counceling and that while they offer 3 sessions of initial informational counceling if I want to continue going it will cost me $24.00 per session of group counceling.  As I stated earlier I have also been attending my brothers church until I decide on a permanent place to go.

Thanks for the encouragement, it is an up and down time for me depending on what I am dealing with but I am glad to be here as difficult as it can be with things.

[cristals mama]

My ex did almost exactly what you described.  Is there anyway you can find a group or individual counseling where you are?  I don't know how I would have gone through it without it.  His behaviour is not surprising to me at all.  Don't let him scare you about being able to get custody.  For one thing he probably doesn't really want that responsibility, he just knows thats THE button to push and he's feeling desperate right now.  Try to stay as calm as you can, tell him as little as you can, talk to him as little as you can get by and search out friends that have been there if you can't get a good counselor.  Thanks for keeping us posted and do know there will be brighter days ahead and this will not last for ever.  As they say, This too shall pass.  You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa P

Hi Lisa,
I'm glad to know at least that this whole thing is not unique to me, as I said in my other post I called the womens shelter last week and have and appt. for thurs. however there is no individual counceling there as was the case many years ago and they charge for the group sessions so I will end up having to probably try and find something else to do.

You are most likely right about him and using the custody thing just to push my buttons, it is just nerve wracking not knowing what he is really thinking or planning and what is a bluff to what is not.  I do say very little to him when I speak with him and that I know drives him crazy (he tried to use my 'not telling him anything' as an excuse for making the threats, that he later denied).  Now he claims he doesn't want custody and knows she belongs with me but just wants to assure that he gets to have her on Christmas and her birthday.

Thank you so much for the brights words, I know you are right this too shall pass and God will take us to good things 'what is meant for harm, he turns to good' and 'all things work together for good'-  I know, just have to keep it forfront in my heart and mind when all the junk tries to assail me- easier said then done, but true none the less!

my love and appreciation always,
Kim

[Faithlynn]

Hi Kim

Please check with an attorney before you consider using a notarized letter from your husband.  A notarized letter is not a legal document from a court.  If a police officer had to be called, he/she could not abide by a letter because it would have him determining the authenticity of the signature.  Even with court orders, police offiers are sometimes hesitant to get involved. 

[cristals mama]

Kim – Kim – Kim

You remind me of why I had to back away for a period from my on-call counseling.  Your little logo fits perfectly – I felt/feel as if I was/am butting my head against a brick wall.  You sound surprised or as if you are telling us something we don't know because your husband is "jumping back and forth from trying to sound like the caring concerned man of the year to sounding tense, angry, challenging, threatening, to apologetic.

[Faithlynn]

Kim

There is a difference between empathy and sympathy.  I feel empathy for the person who is going through abuse.  I don't ask, as many do, why a victim stays in a relationship because I know why.  I don't feel sympathy for victims because that validates their staying in the situation; however, I do feel sympathy for the children because they are not involved by choice.  When I read in your earlier response that you had found a church to attend (even if you find one that is a better fit later on) I thought it was wonderful.  You didn't mention the shelter appointment and if you have an appointment with one, then that is great.  What I said about attention and being flattered - who on this earth would not be flattered by ongoing attention?  Abusers are experts at charming us and they have us conditioned as to what is normal.  It takes time to relearn normal behavior.

After reading your message of this morning, quite honestly I hesitated to waste my time writing anything additional.  At the same time, I feel a responsibility to respond one last time.  I know it is easy to suggest that you should ignore your husband's phone calls but it is unrealistic because you share a child.  However, you control the way you react to his comments.  When first coming out of an abusive relationship, everyone reacts rather than responds to their abuser.  Knowledge is power and you need legal advice to gain knowledge.  Once your husband hears that you know the law, he can't bluff his way through a conversation.  You have to feel anxiety when he brings up custody if you aren't 100% sure what your rights are.  Check to see if there are any family court attorneys that will speak with you without charging as many will not charge for the first visit.  If you have to pay for the appointment, ask your parents if you can borrow the money – it may be the cheapest and best investment you or they ever make.  I know what can happen when you take steps without knowing the law. 

As for me forgetting what I went through - 10-20-30 years down the road, you will realize that you still remember what happened to you.  It never leaves you even though with counseling you are able to remove yourself from the victim mode.  I remember well what I went through – and what my children went through (as do my children).  I also know what my children are like today as a result of what they witnessed as children.  The one that told me "I must like to get hit