In Law Question

[BedfordFalls]

Blessings friends,

This is going to sound like I am whining for no good reason; I have a beautiful marriage. He was my friend for almost 7 years before it became anything more, and we have a year old son who my husband adores and takes care of just as much as I do (no slacker here!)

The ONLY problem in our entire marriage is his family; we were in counseling over their antics (oh, let's just say that when one of his sisters called my boss, told him lies about me based on what their mother/my MIL told about me, and SIL tried to get me fired--and that's just ONE situation) but when his older sister finally, for some reason, spilled her guts over a year ago to my husband about ALL that his mother and sisters have said/done about me, him, our marriage---that was the day he stood up for me & told them one more act of selfishness from them, and they've lost their brother/son. He is a good, good man, who was VERY hurt to really have it shown to him that his own family who says they love him wanted to destroy (or try to) something he loves, which I am blessed to say is his marriage to me.

So, it's been 'peaceful' for about a year, and being that my mom and dad are gone, I have no siblings---I once upon a time tried my darndest to be a positive member of the family; I no longer try anything, I just want to get by when they all come into town for Christmas, with both my sanity and Christian attitude still prevailing....but I SO need help.

I don't want my anger and frustration and overall hurt to be the motivator or prevailing feeling in my heart for Christmas! There are two sides to every story....my "crime" was marrying their only brother/son, and not being what they felt was "his type". Am I posting this in the wrong area, I don't know....I need prayers to help me get through Christmas week, and any advice from others with in-law problems.

Thank you in advance!
Sincerely,
B.F.

[cristals mama]

I know exactly how you feel concerning the inlaws with some people there is nothing you can or cannot do that will work, the best you can do is pray for them but that doesn't mean you have to be around them or subject yourself to mistreatment.  My situation went a little further as my husband learned too well from his parents also, but that is a whole other story.  If I can just say to you please do not feel obligated to each year to spend Christmas in misery with those who will not behave and treat you in the way they should- God wants us to forgive but that doesn't mean He wants us to purposely subject ourselves to mistreatment and abuse, sometimes it is better to just stay away!

Kim

[BedfordFalls]

Oh, thank you for your support; I too feel that I aught to limit my time with them, I just want to be supportive of my husband as he desperately wants a relationship with his father, and even though my FIL is an enabler, he's not a bad man and I never wanted to 'keep my husband from his family' as I've been accused of before.

I think what I'll do is limit my time and not make it the marathon visit as it used to be; my husband and I are the only ones who live in the same state as his parents (about 30 mins away) whereas all his sisters live in 3 different states, so it's just assumed we'll ALWAYS show up to ANYTHING/EVERYTHING at his parents, regardless of our circumstances.

I'll be praying for them, as you suggested, as with their actions I do realize they are NOT happy people in the least. I'll also pray for you and your situation too

Thanks again!

I know exactly how you feel concerning the inlaws with some people there is nothing you can or cannot do that will work, the best you can do is pray for them but that doesn't mean you have to be around them or subject yourself to mistreatment.  My situation went a little further as my husband learned too well from his parents also, but that is a whole other story.  If I can just say to you please do not feel obligated to each year to spend Christmas in misery with those who will not behave and treat you in the way they should- God wants us to forgive but that doesn't mean He wants us to purposely subject ourselves to mistreatment and abuse, sometimes it is better to just stay away!

Kim

[MrQuietGuy]

You're in a bad situation, one in which you are probably helpless to do anything about yourself. Since it's your husband's family, it's up to your husband to set the boundaries. The two of you need to have a long talk about what boundaries you can both live with. He then needs to consistently enforce those boundaries.

If your husband can't or won't set and enforce boundaries, then my heart goes out to you, because you can't do it yourself.

Tom M.

[chosenone]

yes I agree, talk to your husband and agree WITH HIM before they come when and how often you will see them.
Are they staying with you? If they are then that is more difficult. Maybe he can spend some time alone with his dad?, they could go out somewere together alone maybe?
It sounds as if your husband is a good man who knows what is going on now, so hopefully he will be firm and stand up for you again in this.

I have experiece of a mother in law who tried her very best to break us up only 9 months after we married when we went to see her in Australia, by telling my husband that I wasnt good enough and that second marriages never work so why waste his time (ours is a second marriage) and other awful things, so I can relate.She is a Christians also by the way which makes it even worse!

Fortunately we dont ever have to see her again with being so far away (we will never go again after such an awful time) We are civil now on the very rare occasions that she rings us, but she wont admit to what she did and has never appologised. Also there is always an enabler when someone is like this, and it is usually the husband or son of the controllers. My husbands family have enabled her to get away with such terrible behaviour for many mnay years so little will ever change now as she is 78. It sounds as if in your case,her daughters are just like their mum, and this is often the case with the females controlling things and the man enabling it. Not a healthy thing at all. (Just like jezebel and ahab)I am SO glad that my husband doesnt have a sister as I am sure that she would be just like her mum and we would have twice the trouble.

Hope and pray that all will go smoothly for you all.

[Godismyvindicator]

Blessings friends,

This is going to sound like I am whining for no good reason; I have a beautiful marriage. He was my friend for almost 7 years before it became anything more, and we have a year old son who my husband adores and takes care of just as much as I do (no slacker here!)

The ONLY problem in our entire marriage is his family; we were in counseling over their antics (oh, let's just say that when one of his sisters called my boss, told him lies about me based on what their mother/my MIL told about me, and SIL tried to get me fired--and that's just ONE situation) but when his older sister finally, for some reason, spilled her guts over a year ago to my husband about ALL that his mother and sisters have said/done about me, him, our marriage---that was the day he stood up for me & told them one more act of selfishness from them, and they've lost their brother/son. He is a good, good man, who was VERY hurt to really have it shown to him that his own family who says they love him wanted to destroy (or try to) something he loves, which I am blessed to say is his marriage to me.

So, it's been 'peaceful' for about a year, and being that my mom and dad are gone, I have no siblings---I once upon a time tried my darndest to be a positive member of the family; I no longer try anything, I just want to get by when they all come into town for Christmas, with both my sanity and Christian attitude still prevailing....but I SO need help.

I don't want my anger and frustration and overall hurt to be the motivator or prevailing feeling in my heart for Christmas! There are two sides to every story....my "crime" was marrying their only brother/son, and not being what they felt was "his type". Am I posting this in the wrong area, I don't know....I need prayers to help me get through Christmas week, and any advice from others with in-law problems.

Thank you in advance!
Sincerely,
B.F.

I agree with your first three responders. Even though you have to spend this time with them, don't respond to jabs and snide remarks. You can discuss it with your husband later and he can handle it from there. Most important, you should remain composed and gracious no matter how bad their manners may be. If they do something with your baby, (like tossing him in the air or feeding him too fast, etc.) that your not comfortable with, just politely remove him with some excuse to change or clean him. Be on the lookout for small issues to become grossly overblown. The devil works in very subtle ways. Don't take the bait. Remain composed and polite. Most important, remember who you are. You are the daughter of The Most High. You have standing. Draw on His peace. All will be well.

[Elderdxc]

I pray that your in-laws do not end up becoming part of what brings you into divorce court.  I can always repent of my misdeeds but it is hard to repent for the sins of others.

[llewksgood]

How did you go over the Christmas period? Happy new year, and may all your relationships be a blessing in the future.

[chosenone]

I pray that your in-laws do not end up becoming part of what brings you into divorce court.  I can always repent of my misdeeds but it is hard to repent for the sins of others.

Apparently in Italy, over 1/3 of all divoces are caused by the meddling and interferring mothers in law,mainly due to the fact that they have terribly spoilt their sons and think that no one is good enough for them.
A couple that I know who counsel many couples who are are going through marriage problems said that they gat many couples who are on the verge of splitting up over in law problems.
I thnk it is terrible and I am strictly a non interferring mother. Two of my children have steady boyfriends/girlfriends and I never interfere, and say nothing unless I am asked except nice things
It is NOT our buisiness to interfere in our childrens lives unless their very life is at stake in the case of abuse or something.