Needing some help please...New here

[tryingishard]

Hi I am new to this forum and am needing some advise. My husband and I have been married for 18 yrs, a couple years ago I found out my husband cheated on me one time about 10 mo after we married, during this time my husband had a lot of serious medical conditions. He made some promises to me and most of which he has kept. One of them though is a hobby he has, we generally do it as a family and we usually go, however this is mainly his hobby and he will go during the cold season weather permitting and I don't like to go because it is way too cold. He promised me when he was ill and after I found out about his infidelity that he wouldn't go unless I could go, which like I said I usually go. He did this for about the first 2 years but since he has been wanting to go and he has a few times, I don't want to keep something from him he loves doing and in a way it bothers me he promised me something and hasn't kept it but then again maybe I'm holding something against him I shouldn't since he was very bad off and never thought he would even walk again. His hobby isn't generally something affiliated with females and I know who he is with however on occassion they will invite someone even after he has asked and he doesn't know and this person may bring a female along and I don't know why but it bothers me, maybe because my husband is friendly and I worry he'll be the one in the back and will have to help, he has assured me this wouldn't happen and sometimes I like having a day to myself while he goes but I am fearful when he's gone and get so nauseous and I try to put my faith and trust in the Lord but its hard, any advise for me or encouragement would really be appreciated. thank you

[chosenone]

When you find out that your husband has been unfaithful it must take a long time to trust again. I feel that he needs to do whatever he can to build your trust up again after such a painful discovery, even if that means that he cant always go on his outings.
Couild you have an agreement that he can go as long as there are only men there?   
I can totally understand your fears and jealousy after what he did, as although it was a long time ago, you havent long discovered it and he was obviously hiding it from you all this time which must make you feel that is is hard to trust him again.

My feeling is that the one who was unfaithful has to do all they can to build the trust even if it means that life is a bit restrictive for a while. At least you are still with him and are trying to build things up again and well done for that, it cant be easy, and he should be thankful that the marriage hasnt broken up.

[k-pappy]

If you do not mind my asking, I have two questions:

1)  What is his hobby?
2)  How long ago did you find out about his infidelity?

In Christ,
KP

[chosenone]

If you do not mind my asking, I have two questions:

1)  What is his hobby?
2)  How long ago did you find out about his infidelity?

In Christ,
KP

She said a couple of years ago that she found out.

[k-pappy]

Is that 2, 3, 6?

[faolanblood]

My prayers are with you both.
I can imagine that it was hard to trust him again and at times still would be. It is very unfutuente that this has happened before.

All I can say is stay strong in the Lord and his word an keep the best open communication that you can with him and what is going on.

It might mean a lot to him if you went even if you don't do it with him what ever his hobby is...that way he knows you are there for him and support him.

THere are things my husband likes doing that I do not mind doing but do not like nearly as much as he does I still do it with him though and I know that he will do things with me he does not like as much too....anf it means a lot to me.

we would rather spend time together then apart.

I try to take interest in his likes and he mine lucky for us we like just about everything the other does.

May GOD be with you both

[tryingishard]

thanks to all of you for your advise. I found out 2 1/2 years ago and I will say that during this time he has done everything to rebuild trust with me. His hobby is dirtbike riding. As for the going with him, we do go with him all the time, we camp almost every weekend and if that isn't possible we go for at least a day of the weekend, but during the winter months, there are maybe a handful of times he goes but the weather is in the 30's and that is way too cold for me to ride and to just sit in the truck for 8-10 hrs. He doesn't go to a track where there are tons of people, he woods rides, there can be a lot of people and depending on the time of year and where he goes. There is on place that I wouldn't want him to go to if he went himself during the summer but that's it, it's by a river where alot of swimming goes on as well as dirtbiking and so there are alot of yound females in bikinis and riding bikes in them, kind of disgusting if you ask me. So it's just a handful of times that i wouldn't go, how do I feel comfortable with this, I mean it has been 2 1/2 yrs and I know trust takes a long time to rebuild but I also don't want to seem controlling either, and I will add that he will go no matter what I say, I know sounds mean but he will and he will reassure me and does tell me who goes but like I said, about 2 months ago he went and knew who was going, well they got there and one of his friends so oh this guy invited so and so which was another guy, but then half way through the day, his girlfriend or wife showed up, she didn't ride but she was there. I know it seems so silly to be fearful of a female that isn't even with him but it does make it uncomfortable, before I found out about his infidelity and when our children were younger and too hard to take them out there, when he went a guy he knows his wife went a few times but it didn't really bother me then, because I trusted him., but she actually rode with them, which that kind of thing hasn't happened again and I wouldn't like it and he said he wouldn't ride with a female, so should I just trust him when he says that? It causes problems because I try to put my trust in the Lord that he'll take care of my husband but I still get very moody and take it out on him then causes him to get upset with me, and he always tells me that he reassures me but I don't accept it. Thanks again for you help any more would be encouraging. I dont' want my marriage to fail because I can't get over something like this

[chosenone]

thanks to all of you for your advise. I found out 2 1/2 years ago and I will say that during this time he has done everything to rebuild trust with me. His hobby is dirtbike riding. As for the going with him, we do go with him all the time, we camp almost every weekend and if that isn't possible we go for at least a day of the weekend, but during the winter months, there are maybe a handful of times he goes but the weather is in the 30's and that is way too cold for me to ride and to just sit in the truck for 8-10 hrs. He doesn't go to a track where there are tons of people, he woods rides, there can be a lot of people and depending on the time of year and where he goes. There is on place that I wouldn't want him to go to if he went himself during the summer but that's it, it's by a river where alot of swimming goes on as well as dirtbiking and so there are alot of yound females in bikinis and riding bikes in them, kind of disgusting if you ask me. So it's just a handful of times that i wouldn't go, how do I feel comfortable with this, I mean it has been 2 1/2 yrs and I know trust takes a long time to rebuild but I also don't want to seem controlling either, and I will add that he will go no matter what I say, I know sounds mean but he will and he will reassure me and does tell me who goes but like I said, about 2 months ago he went and knew who was going, well they got there and one of his friends so oh this guy invited so and so which was another guy, but then half way through the day, his girlfriend or wife showed up, she didn't ride but she was there. I know it seems so silly to be fearful of a female that isn't even with him but it does make it uncomfortable, before I found out about his infidelity and when our children were younger and too hard to take them out there, when he went a guy he knows his wife went a few times but it didn't really bother me then, because I trusted him., but she actually rode with them, which that kind of thing hasn't happened again and I wouldn't like it and he said he wouldn't ride with a female, so should I just trust him when he says that? It causes problems because I try to put my trust in the Lord that he'll take care of my husband but I still get very moody and take it out on him then causes him to get upset with me, and he always tells me that he reassures me but I don't accept it. Thanks again for you help any more would be encouraging. I dont' want my marriage to fail because I can't get over something like this

Trust does take a long time. It took me ages to be able to trust my second husband becuase of what my FIRST husband did. My husband now has never done anything to make me not trust him, and after three years I can now trust him. Even so I still get a bit afraid sometimes, and I am by nature a trusting person. You have been very hurt. You had only been married for less than a year when he was unfaithful and he didnt even tell you about it. For me that would concern me even more than the unfaithfullnnss, that he didnt even tell you.You have gone all these years with this secret between you. I dont think I could have lived with that deception myself and would have had to tell my spouse if I had done that. Did he tell you himself two years ago or did you find out some other way?
It does concern me a bit that he wont occasionally not go if you are very upset. You do go with him most times and maybe he needs to sometimes stay with you as well.

It does sound as if you have a basically very good marriage and that you both want to make it work, and in time the trust will return but it may take longer than 2 years. Dont be too hard on yourself. Many can never trust again after an infedelity, so you are doing well. Give yourself more time. Could the two of you go for some sort of Christian counselling or talk to an older married couple in your church who you trust? Sometimes it is helpful to talk together about things like this with sometime else there helping out. 

[tryingishard]

thanks again for your response. I found out because I had very strong feelings of doubt. See back when when it happened I suspected because he had a mild case of pubic lice, I suspected he denied and denied. I called a few doctors and asked if there was any other way for him to get it they said yes very small chance but we had just moved into a new apartment and we were using community washer and dryers people would throw your stuff on top so I accepted that, however deep down I wasn't so sure. I never suspected anything ever again, my husband never went out with friends I just never suspected anything ever again and we had a seemingly good marriage and yes I trusted  him. I started having doubts about 6 mo before he told me, I don't know why, we started having some other problems in our marriage not in regards to cheating but for some reason it really started to eat at me, something just kept telling me to not let it go, he finally confessed when he was very ill.
I really want to trust him and in alot of ways I feel like I shouldn't forbid him (even though he would still go) from going the few times during the winter since I go all the other times but it's hard,  I just want to know how God wants me to handle this. He has worked at rebuilding trust and trying to make me feel comfortable and I don't want to seem controlling. It just causes me problems then in turn causes problems between us and I think its because I'm not letting God work with me. We did do counseling for awhile but can't afford it and I did christian counseling through church which really helped. I just want to know how God wants me to deal with it.. thanks agian

[tryingishard]

I just had one more thing to add to my last post, if he's going to go out there whether I like it or not, even though he is reassuring, that makes it seem like he's insensitive, which he is for this one thing because in all other areas he's great, but are you saying that I should divorce him because he's not doing what he should? I don't want to do that but I guess I'm confused at how God wants me to take care of this, I want God to shine through me to my husband, I want him to know I'm trying too. thanks just wanted to add this

[chosenone]

I just had one more thing to add to my last post, if he's going to go out there whether I like it or not, even though he is reassuring, that makes it seem like he's insensitive, which he is for this one thing because in all other areas he's great, but are you saying that I should divorce him because he's not doing what he should? I don't want to do that but I guess I'm confused at how God wants me to take care of this, I want God to shine through me to my husband, I want him to know I'm trying too. thanks just wanted to add this

Goodness me NO, I am certanly not suggesting that anyone should divore anyone especially as you seem to have  a basically good marriage. That is up to you entirely and the fact that you have forgiven him and carried on with the marriage means that you want to.

I wonder if you both could have counselling through the church about  this matter, as you said it helped you so much.If you could both talk about it calmly with maybe another couple or person then maybe it would help you both understand where you are coming from.
I would hope that in the same situation my husband woudnt go unless I also went, but we are all different. it is obviously very important for him that he goes, but my feeling is that he should put you first. That is only my opinion. Maybe you have to let him go and if the fears come, express to God your fears and hurts and allow God to heal you gradually.
You cant forbid him to go as you know, but you can only let him know that you arent happy when he does. Then it is his decision .
I think you have done really well with coping with all of this, so dont beat yourself up about it too much. The feelings that you have are normal for someone who has been betrayed and lied to.
I would say that you need to give it to God etc etc but that is so hard to do isnt it, when the fears and hurts are still there. 

I am sure that it WILL get better as time passes and the trust continues to grow but it takes time, and 2 years really isnt that long, when you have been lied to for so long.

[chosenone]

Just had another thought. What do you usually do when he goes without you? Do you stay at home alone and thus have time to worry?if that is the case could you go to see a friend or relative and maybe go somewhere for the day? This would gve you something to take your mind off it and to focus on.If you did this you may find that you can actually enjoy yourself and not be thinking about him.

[phoebe]

But, if he's the "head of the household", he has the right to do as he chooses, doesn't he? And she is to submit to his will, is she not?

[chosenone]

But, if he's the "head of the household", he has the right to do as he chooses, doesn't he? And she is to submit to his will, is she not?

Yes and he is doing as he chooses, but she also needs help to deal with it in light of his unfaithfullness in the past.She cannot tell him what to do, but she is allowed to tell him how she feels about it.

[kensington]

Is that 2, 3, 6?

A couple is "TWO"....   3 is a few. 

No where is a "couple" referred to as 3-6.  When a couple goes out to dinner... there are two of them.  If there is 3, that is a threesome.  LOL.

[kensington]

I just had one more thing to add to my last post, if he's going to go out there whether I like it or not, even though he is reassuring, that makes it seem like he's insensitive, which he is for this one thing because in all other areas he's great, but are you saying that I should divorce him because he's not doing what he should? I don't want to do that but I guess I'm confused at how God wants me to take care of this, I want God to shine through me to my husband, I want him to know I'm trying too. thanks just wanted to add this

Here is how men think... I said I was sorry... I am sorry... it's over with... I want to move on. I don't want to talk about it. 

Not realizing for you, it's still internal and there are things to work through.  If it's been two and a half years since you found out, and you know he has done nothing else in 10 years, and 10 years ago you suspected, and you stayed. Then you need to start working on ways to let it go.  Find the areas you are confident in and build up your marriage in those areas. 

I also don't see any harm in asking him to assure you that if you agree to his hobby, that he take a stand and make sure that when he sets up those weekends, it's a guy only thing.  Asking him to give up a life long hobby for something he did 10 years ago, that you suspected he did, isn't going to work, or make either of you happy.

I don't think he is being insensitive to want to ride his bike.  But, in the middle of a crisis he promised something he really couldn't keep.  He may not have even known at that time that this day would come around.  You can baby sit him in all the areas of his life, but if he decides he is going to cheat again, he will find a way... and it probably won't have anything to do with bike riding. 

This is not justification for divorce, you have stayed the years since suspecting and now since knowing...  it's time to find healthy ways to build trust and to enjoy the life you have.  IF you have forgiven him... act in that forgiveness.  Do things that show forgiveness.  But, when you want to talk, tell him you want to talk... no nag.  No hitting below the belt when arguing.... "You cheated on me 13 years ago"...  What a waste of time that is in marriage. 

Get one on one with God, worship Him, ask him to build up your faith.  Not in man, but in God.  Once you find that, you will be able to deal with man much more smoothly.  Come to an agreement with your husband...  talk and find a common ground on which you can both live with his hobby... maybe his not staying over night for a while.  Maybe your trying harder to participate. 

Read a book called "TOUGH LOVE" and remember the part about "agreeing together" and if he is willing and you are, then go for it.  If it doesn't happen and he breaks faith again... your refusing to allow him to ride wouldn't have stopped it to begin with.  It's sin.  But, you are going to have to believe in him again someday... and show it.  That is called forgiveness.

[tryingishard]

thanks again for your advise, it helps to see other opinions. It's not like he just says ok I'm going riding, well kind of, he'll say is it ok then I usually say well you know it makes me uncomfortable when you go then he always reassures me and tells me he wouldn't do this or that, one thing I want to add is that our daughter always goes with him, which makes it a little easier but she is almost 17 and when she gets a job and starts school she's not going to be able to go as much but we aren't there yet. When he goes riding I do do things and I actually enjoy having a day to myself, well usually my son who is 11 is with me and we have fun or I'll go out myself or with a friend shopping and it's really nice especially since my husband and I are pretty much together 24/7, but I still have fears when he's gone. See I look at it this way back when I found out about his unfaithfulness, I was afraid every time he walked out the door, just do go to the part store or grocery store, I felt like I was going to vomit from fear, it was horrible, so he pretty much didn't go unless he absolutley had too, I knew I well we couldn't live like that so I gradually had to let him get out of the house to do his errands instead of me doing them all the time, so I look at the riding the same way that I have to sometime let him go, I can't live like that the rest of my life but it is so hard, so hard and the few times he does go I enjoy the day by myself, I get stuff done I normally don't even though I do worry but I try to get my mind off of things. It does boil down to that I do feel he is being insensitive to my feelings because I think he should go when I say he can go when I feel comfortable but I can't do that. thanks again

[Sherman Nobles]

A good book I encourage you both to read - "Surviving an Affair".  

Also, from his perspective this happened 17 years ago, even though you've only known about it for 2.5 years.  So, 17 years of being faithful is a pretty good track record.  And today, even 2.5 years is pretty good.  If cheating was a pattern in his life, that would be one thing, but you can't hold one slip up 17 years ago over his head forever.  You've got to forgive and move on.  

Also, when you mistrust someone without warrent, it puts pressure on them to do exactly what you are afraid they'll do.  Many times, what you fear is what you get.  Subconsciously we actually do things that set things in motion to bring about what we fear.  In other words, mistrusting your husband now will cause problems in your relationship, and the weakness in your relationship will set him up to fail in that area, it'll open the door for satan to temp him much more than normal.  What is it Paul says, something about not putting off your partner because in doing so you give room for satan to work!  Irrational unhealthy fear is will suck the life out of you personally and out of your marriage.  

I encourage you to forgive your husband and put your trust in God and in him.  And btw, unhealthy irrational fear is rooted in selfishness and lies.  Selfishness - what about me, if this happens how will I make it. What if, what if, what if!!!  And every fear has a lie at it's seed, some area in our lives that we are not trusting God's promises, or some misperseption of reality.  We also fear when we're not doing what is right.  Righteousness, right thinking and right living brings peace and joy.

Fear is also rooted in the future, not in the present.  It keeps us from living in and enjoying the present because of some nebulous fear that I'll loose something in the future.  So I encourage you to live in the present, trust God with the future, and trust your husband.  Cast down negative fearful imaginations, choose to think on things that are good, pure, and praise worthy.  Invest your time thinking of ways to show your husband you respect him and passionately love him.  The better woman and wife you are, the less you'll fear loosing and the more you'll focus on living a life of giving and service.

Be encouraged my sister, it sounds like you have a wonderful marriage; don't mess it up by fear.  Choose to trust your faithful and good husband!

[kensington]

It does boil down to that I do feel he is being insensitive to my feelings because I think he should go when I say he can go when I feel comfortable but I can't do that. thanks again

You cannot keep him like a caged animal.  You must share your fear with him, allowing him to assure you that he wants to be trusted.  You are working from fear.  And making demands or boundries such as this... isn't going to help either of you.

He is trying to show you that you can trust him, that he wants your trust, and he wants to ride. 

You saying he can go when you say he can go?  He is not your child, and most men won't tolerate being treated as such for too long. That may be why he is riding again.  You need to tell yourself, this mindset you have is not right.  Justified due to fear, maybe.  But, not right. Seek the LORD in prayer to help you let that go...  marriage doesn't work that way.

[tryingishard]

I must have repsonded at the same time as you did. You are absolutely right and I needed to hear that. I can't keep him caged and I know I need to trust him, but deep down inside I often wonder if he ever cheated again and just hasn't fessed up to it, I have no suspicions but he had plenty of opportunities to, but I'm assuming God would have opened up that door to me if that were true and I need to work on today. I know he wants me to trust him. Like I said with his riding, he will only go with guys but what does he do when someone else invites someone who in turn invites someone else and a female shows up, that's what I'm afraid of, he doesn't have control over that, tell him to come home? That seems unreasonable to. Thanks again you guys are incredible.

[kensington]

Sweetie...  I'm praying for you.  But, you have to let go of that mindset...  You have to let go of wanting to punish him.  

The truth is, you didn't get to know when it happened, it's all been out of your hands. But, any cheating is.  Now, this holding on to the control is a way to tell him... "I'm in charge, and don't forget it"... it's as an underlying punishment for what he did to you.  Sheesh, he hurt you and betrayed you... it's natural for the "NO" in us to rise up and for us to try to make conditions to keep our surroundings safe and to keep our hearts safe from that kind of pain happening again.

But, LOVE him back to your heart.  That will heal you.   But, a man who is truely loved freely by his wife, can ONLY repent and love her all the more.  His heart breaks for what he has caused you, because you LOVE him.

But, in your LOVING him, both of you can find forgiveness and healing from this thing that keeps you bound.

[tryingishard]

thank you so much for all you encouragement it helps so much, I know that I just need to trust in the Lord and I know he will heal me and us, I know these kinds of things really puts a halt in our marriage and I don't want that I want it to grow, our children have seen so much, although they don't know they know things have been wrong and that I've been hurt and I want them to see us grow together. Do I just deal with his riding the same way as far as the females going out of his control and trust he'll not stop out of our marital boundries? I know he asks everyone he's going with who they are inviting but that doesn't always work, usually but on 2 occassions females have shown up/ thanks again I really do appreciate the help and it has been very encourageing and uplifting and has made me feel more positive. thanks

[tryingishard]

Well please pray for me right now that I can do this, that I can put my faith and trust in the Lord and my husband in his hands, I really could use the prayers and encouragement. My husband got a call that someone wants to go riding this weekend, he is considering it. He came over and hugged me and said it will be fine, it will be this guy and his brother, my husband doesn't know him all too well, he is a client of my husband, he seems nice and married. I started in on the questioning though, I immediatey shot back while he was hugging me, well how do you know for a fact that his brother wont invite someone and then that person wont invite someone that could be a female? He said that wont happen I asked and he said it would only be the two. I then wanted to scream at him and I didn't why are you doing this you made a promise to me how can you break that, you want that more than me, but  I stopped with the questioning and the thinking because I knew I shouldn't do that and remembered what I have been told on here especially by kensington, your words of encouragement were very helpful. I just don't want to ruin anything between us but my pattern is I start to get fearful and angry  then it comes out in my actions and I don't want that. So Please please please pray for me and that I can have strength to do this. I really need it.

[chosenone]

It sounds as if apart form this one issue you two have a really good marriage. i hope that it all works out for you. Given time and with Gods help it will work out I am sure.
It seems as if all of your fears are focused on this one thing and that is totaly understandable, but God can do anything and He is for you and your marriage, so hang on in there. 
God Bless

[k-pappy]

tryingishard, the best thing you can do is keep praying.  Give it to God and let Him keep it.  I understand that may seem like an oversimplification, but NOTHING is too big for God to handle, and there is no wound He cannot heal, be it physical or emotional.  I admit, I have never been through anything like what you are going through, but I have been through betrayal and broken trust.  It does take time, but the more you give up to God, the easier it will be...this was a tough lessen for me to learn and I hope I can share it with you and save you some pain.  Give it up to God, then trust HIM.  Pray about it any time you start feeling concerned and remind yourself it is in God's hands.  It is not a magic pill, but it will help you recover and heal your wounds.

I will be praying for you, sis.

In Christ,
KP

[kensington]

You said that you "shot right back at him"...  meaning, you were QUICK to speak what you were thinking, even though it could wound him.  Keep in mind, when you wound him, you wound you.

If you love him, and you don't control your thoughts and words, it hurts you.  It hurts your walk.  I mean... it happens, and when it does, you should say you are sorry.  But, you should also try to not "shoot" back at him.  Think, and be sure of what you want to say.  Don't just blurt things out that you can't take back, and you will regret.  TRY...  that is all you can do.

When you fail, admit it. Tell him.... "I shouldn't have said that, but I am working through this and it's hard"....   

You have got to get out of the mindset... "Here a woman, there a woman, every where a woman, woman"... or you are not married, you are baby sitting.  There are woman everywhere he goes.  If he wants to cheat, he doesn't need an unexpected woman on a bike ride showing up to do it. 

Is a Ride where he cheated before?  Or is this just an area you want to control to protect yourself?   Think about what you are really asking him to do.  Giving up riding, or to stay where you can see him all the time?  Just because there is a woman on a ride, doesn't mean he is going to toss his boots off and bang her in the woods.  You need to think more realistically than that. You said he cheated once, 10 years ago...   or more.  But, you are treating him like he jumps anything that walks.  Give yourself more credit as a wife than that.  You need to speak the WORD to yourself and set yourself free from this fear.  SOON.

[tryingishard]

thank you kensington, you're right I need to watch what I say, and it is damaging to both of us, I didn't apologize but I will, I just stopped immediately because I knew I shouldn't be doing that, not only is it wrong but it puts me back into this awful visious cycle that I need and want to get out of. Yes his one night stand was abou t 17 years ago and no it didn't happen riding, but apparently it was someone he only met twice before she was a customer where he worked, she called his work to see if he would drive to her house to get her car started he did and it went on from there, with that being said I guess in my mind he could bang someone in the woods he doesn't know if he did it before, if that would happen, I doubt it but I think it's just another way for me to "watch" nothing happens again and I know I can't do that.  Like I said before just him going to the store killed me that was hard and still is sometimes, or when he goes to a clients house that has naked women hanging on the wall, I know I can't live in fear and God needs to be trusted, I know he'll cheat no matter what I do if he wanted to. I do know this isn't healthy for us to have a better marriage, oh I'm trying it is hard but I'm going to do it, I thank you so much for helping see through this, I know it but I need to hear it if that makes sense. Thanks so much, the encouraging words is what I need to make it through thank you, I'm feeling better tonight

[kensington]

You know, you can do this.  You really can.  You plainly love him or it would not panic you so to think this way.

Have you heard of "LOVE DARE" the new book out... from the movie fire proof?  I think you should get it.  You need help to retrain your brain to think in line with the word concerning your husband.  To control your thoughts so that you don't think it, and you don't speak it. Not to him and not to yourself. 

You need to train yourself to walk in the peace of the LORD for your marriage.  To understand that He holds you in the palm of His hand and nothing can take you away from Him.  When you pray to Him according to His word, He listens to you. 

Speaking peace in your prayer life, and into your home will help you to find the peace you need so that you can have it where your husband is concerned.  Don't allow the enemy to keep these bonds on your mind and your marriage.  He wants that... he wants you to fear, and to cast doubt on your husband.  If he can keep you afraid and doubting, he can destroy your marriage.  Are you really going to let that dog (satan)of a liar do that to you??  No way!! 

[tryingishard]

kensington thanks again, I really like hearing from you, youre words of encouragement are really helpful. I will look for that book, any help right now will be very useful, I need it badly. I don't understand why it's so hard for me when it's what I want if that makes sense. I think I failed again last night. He asked me if another guy could take him out riding (we take the insurance off our truck this time of year) and I said ok, but I must have said it in a tone that meant ok but not really and he asked what's wrong with that, and I immediately thought, what an idiot everything is wrong with it, he said you know so and so what's wrong with him, and I guess his insensitivity of asking me what's wrong with that when he knows set me off, I said well it's the promise you made to me that you wouldn't go out there unless I went. He immediately piped back, I'm not stopping you from going, and I said well that's a little unreasonable to expect I'm going to sit out there in 29 degree weather for a day. He said well then what do you want me to do, I said very nicely you know how I feel but go ahead and you make your decision, I can't make that for you and so that made him mad and he said well if I go then you'll be mad, I didn't say anything but just again repeated you make your choice. I didn't say it will be fine, go ahead and I don't know if that's something I should say when deep down yes it's not ok, he didn't go because he found out there is still snow up there but I feel like I failed, how do I happily say oh honey yes go, when that's not how I feel? Is that what I need to do? This is the only problem I have, and I want to get past this, I want to feel ok when he goes, I want him to be happy doing something he likes, why is this so hard, I prayed and prayed, but his one question made me mad because he knows why I feel this way now. Will I get there? I need to pray more I started looking at some versus on trust and fear. I know I can do this, is it suppose to happen quicker than this? grrr thanks again, I actually have printed everything here so I can read these encouraging things you've said too to help me through the asking times thanks again

[kensington]

Conversations like this are going to push your husband farther from you.  In that one little paragraph of a conversation you basically said you think he is going to go out into 29 degree weather to have sex on the ground with another woman. He must be one twisted guy.  Goodness, I could hardly expect my husband to get frisky in 29 degree weather with anyone...  that cold.

Each time you guilt him you accuse him of cheating, you open that wound again.  If you don't want him to go alone... prove it, go buy yourself some long johns and get out in the cold with him and ride.    Or let him go...  They make plenty of gear you can get to stay warm in. 

Here is what you did... in your pain, and your valid hurt, you made him agree to give up all life that did not include you.  He agreed because he was guilty and wanted to do anything to help you stop hurting.  You asked him to make a promise he cannot keep.. and each time he goes riding you guilt him for breaking a promise you insisted he made in the heat of your pain, and was not thought out.

About the ONLY woman he could get to go out there and get down and dirty with him in 29 degree weather is a hooker or a wife... the choice is yours.  You can't keep him caged up.  That conversation went well beyond common sense into non reality.  He is asking to go bike riding in the frigid cold, not to go on a weekend cruise to a tropical island without you. 

2 years is a while to have found out for you to be so insecure... if he has not done anything since he cheated or since you found out to make you think he is seeing someone, you have got to let loose of him.  Riding a bike in the dead of winter would be the best time for you to let him go, and for you to find out you can spend some time without him in sight and get used to the idea.  No one is out there with him, but other frozen dumb guys... let him have it.  Get used to it... and in the spring, go with him.  Watch him ride. Really watch him.

I'll tell you this much about my marriage... and it's goofy really... my husband golfs... and I love to go and watch him hit a bucket.  I don't play, I barely know how to swing a club.  But, Hey... I'm all for watching him hit them.  You want to know why?  I WATCH HIM... Oh baby... there is something about his swing... and when he does... I blush.  By the time he hits that bucket and we get home, I am jumping him all over the place... 

Yep.. and when he rides the ATV's... same thing... I'm all over that. To see him on that thing is SWEET for me.  The man is hot!  He has a boat...  I love to go and just lay on the boat and watch him drive his boat around with the sunglasses on, the sun on his face, enjoying that boat.  I love to watch him.

You really need to start WATCHING you man be who he is and enjoy him, and stop watching him all the time.  Be his best admirerer... his biggest fan.  Stop torturing your self and him and let him go from his sin. Were you a sinner before you got saved?  When you asked for forgiveness to receive salvation, did you want God to give it to you and set you free from the wages of sin?  Did He?  Did He say to you ... "go and sin no more"?  Or did He say to you "sit right here by me so that I can make sure you never sin again"? 

You know that passage in Corinthians where Paul teaches on marriage, and how a husband or spouse can be won (saved) by your witness?  This is it.  This is where the rubber meets the road. This is where your faith, peace and confidence in God can give you the husband you dream of.  This is where your actions speak louder than words to the man you love. This is your "winning" him to your heart.  Let him show you he can be faithful.  Stop telling him you don't trust him, tell him you want to try to step out in faith and that you want him to go ride.  Give yourself some rest. 

[tryingishard]

Oh kensington thanks again, I totally understand and see what you are saying and that's exactly what I want to be able to do is just trust and let him go, I had and have to do that every day, for a long time I was afraid every time he walked out the door, I just hated it so much but knew he couldnt be prisoner in our home. I want so bad to get to that point where I just dont feel fear when he goes riding. I wish I could just go and sit and watch him but unfortunetly it's in the woods so I can't watch him it's trail riding so they leave and they are gone for a few hours at a time.  I do at home like to sit and watch him work on the bikes. When we go camping ect he does do "family" rides with us so I go with him, but he does "his" rides too with his friends since my son and I don't ride like him and our daughter. I know I need to get to that point and like I said before I generally do go out there but once in awhile  this time of year I look forward to a day to myself too but then that fear sets in when he goes out there. I have gone out there and have sat in this cold weather and it isn't fun, even a camp fire doesn't do anything, they get warmed up at least when they ride because of the type of riding they do. Well kensington I know I have ALOT of work to do and I know I need to do it and one would think that if this is what they want so bad it would be easy and I sit here right now and say ok when this comes up next time I'll do better I can do it but then when it does all of a sudden those horrible feelings come back,  Unfortunetly it isnt something I can go and just enjoy and watch him do. I will keep trying I will, I so appreciate you being here for me.

[kensington]

Your post name is... "Tryingishard"... and it is.  Trying is hard, but winning is better.  If you keep trying, you will win.  "Resist the devil and he will flee"... you keep trying, and you stand against the enemy of your marriage (which is the fear) and he will flee (run away with purpose) and you will win... BIG VICTORY!  Hang in there... Happy Sunday.