I don't want to divorce but don't like my husband much

[RuthB]

I'm feeling horrible these days. I have no idea what to do or how to go on day by day with this pain in my heart over my unhappy marriage.

Our problems are 1) his family (and the fact that I think he is too close to them, tells them everything, and they influence him in a way that leads him farther from me),

2) We're had recurrent pregnancy loss and after all our trials and tribulations we have birth to a baby who then died during the birth process. This has reduced my sex drive to nothing. I have NO sex drive. We still have sex but I dont' enjoy it at all and my husband can tell.

3) After the pregnancies and losses, my health has suffered. I don't want to have children. I don't want to adopt. My husband agrees with me, BUT he is in more pain than I am abt not being a parent, and I feel guilty and angry often.

[RuthB]

I need to add a few things to my original post:

I REALLY DON'T WANT CHILDREN, I need to emphasize that, because people are always telling me that there is another way and that I SHOULD want them, but I REALLY DO NOT.  I just want to like my husband again, enjoy having sex with him and learn to laugh and love each other again.

He is really not happy with me, because he says I am always angry at him. I didn't think that was true, but he is very sensitive and must be able to tell that I am unhappy because I feel like I dissapointed him by first not being able to have children, and second by changing my mind and after all our troubles, I now don't even really like or enjoy children anymore.

I don't know this is a mess. I'm desperate. I'm praying to God almost every hour of every day. I'm not sure what else to do. My husband has given us a time limit. Next year by this time, if we're not happier, he's going to divorce me.

[Mac]

I really implore you to seek counseling. You could be dealing with depression (of any type). I believe you need to get some help that we can not give you here... I will pray for you..

[phoebe]

I need to add a few things to my original post:

I REALLY DON'T WANT CHILDREN, I need to emphasize that, because people are always telling me that there is another way and that I SHOULD want them, but I REALLY DO NOT.  I just want to like my husband again, enjoy having sex with him and learn to laugh and love each other again.

He is really not happy with me, because he says I am always angry at him. I didn't think that was true, but he is very sensitive and must be able to tell that I am unhappy because I feel like I dissapointed him by first not being able to have children, and second by changing my mind and after all our troubles, I now don't even really like or enjoy children anymore.

I don't know this is a mess. I'm desperate. I'm praying to God almost every hour of every day. I'm not sure what else to do. My husband has given us a time limit. Next year by this time, if we're not happier, he's going to divorce me.

As I said on the other thread (which seems to be a near duplicate...), COUNSELING! Some type of qualified Christian marriage counseling.  (IOW, not "just" a pastor/preacher/minister.  Someone trained to help you.)

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

It sounds like your plan got de-railed. 

Setting new goals might give you a new sense of purpose.

Be sure to include your husband in your plans and goals, and communicate them to him.  Failure to share what you're trying to do or where you want to go will lead to further division.

Also, if you find him critical when discussing such goals, it may be a (misguided) expression of caring.  Bringing forward objections to discuss is viewed by some (many?) men as a way of helping you to accomplish goals.

I wish you well,

Jarrod

[RuthB]

thanks for your kind responses, and I apologize for monopolizing the board with my marital problems. 

We have been to counsellors together in the past, usually we dont' go for very long, although once when we were in the middle of the pain of losing pregnancies we saw a woman who was helpful for a few months. I'v felt ashamed that we've only been married not yet 5 years and we have to go see a counsellor again, but I just made an appointment with someone this Wednesday. I hope she is able to help us.

My husbands love for me has truly diminished. Not only has he told me this (in not the same words) but I can mostly see it in his eyes. I doubt very much that he loves me anymore. Should I still keep trying?

[Carwhisperer]

No, you should not give up. I gave up on my 16 year marriage a few months ago. I filed for divorce. I now realize that I was stupid. I want to call the divorce off but I can't do it without her signature. You have to find ways to love your husband. If you put all your effort into loving him he won't be able to not love you back. If you can't genuinely enjoy sex, pretend! My wife used to be able to fool me pretty easily.

I am trying to love my wife as best I can now, even though I only get to see her briefly a few times a week when we are transferring our 11 year old daughter. It seems to be working, but of course I don't know for sure yet.

Also, it is easy to suggest professional counseling. I suppose there is some good counseling out there somewhere. My impression of them, Christian or not, is that they don't really want to help. If they can keep you talking for 50 minutes they get the check. They don't seem to ask any questions to try to analyze you. I've paid them quite a bit of money but have never gotten any useable suggestions as to how to improve. No suggestions at all, really.

If he is still willing to work with you, I suggest some marriage education. I've been told by one pastor that that is the latest thing. Education instead of counseling. Then you are working shoulder to shoulder on your marriage, instead of against each other. I can't recommend specifics, because my wife won't go, I haven't attended any. But there should be some classes in your area, put on by local churches or other Christian organizations, that you can attend.

[HRoberson]

I need to add a few things to my original post:

I REALLY DON'T WANT CHILDREN, I need to emphasize that, because people are always telling me that there is another way and that I SHOULD want them, but I REALLY DO NOT.  I just want to like my husband again, enjoy having sex with him and learn to laugh and love each other again.

He is really not happy with me, because he says I am always angry at him. I didn't think that was true, but he is very sensitive and must be able to tell that I am unhappy because I feel like I dissapointed him by first not being able to have children, and second by changing my mind and after all our troubles, I now don't even really like or enjoy children anymore.

I don't know this is a mess. I'm desperate. I'm praying to God almost every hour of every day. I'm not sure what else to do. My husband has given us a time limit. Next year by this time, if we're not happier, he's going to divorce me.

As I said on the other thread (which seems to be a near duplicate...), COUNSELING! Some type of qualified Christian marriage counseling.  (IOW, not "just" a pastor/preacher/minister.  Someone trained to help you.)

Well see, Phoebe and I can agree from time to time. Go NOW!

.....why multiple threads on the same topic?

[kensington]

You don't need just any counseling... you need "grief counseling". 

[Elaine]

Hi Ruth,

Just read this thread ---if I may offer a teeny thing --you said you see in your husbands eyes his love is diminishing? something like that...wanna try something? It couldn't hurt...be someone he "can" love or "wants" to love and be around :)   

Example ---instead of the same old, same old - maybe depression, low self worth and all...one morning start out with a smile ---make a great breakfast - tell him how  he smells good (or he looks great today, "I just love your little face." Kiss, kiss...) 
In the evening - keep it up for 24 hrs ---make a great meal with a smile at the door when you see him  - ask about his day ---see if it changes anything in your dynamics.

Often we spend so much time "dwelling" on the past bad stuff that it is hard to move out of it into a bright new day.

Fake it till you make it  or call what is not as if it is.   You can do it ---leave your personal pain aside just for 24 hrs. See what happens getting out of your rut for a short time.

Buy some flowers for the house also. ;)
See what happens.
:)Elaine

[dallasapple]

I agree with Kensington.(Hi Kens!) you need grief counseling.As well as you said you arent physically healthy.You could have post partum depression and need some medication.I know this is going to sound like the obvius but you also need to make sure you are getting enough excersise.

Also I agree with with Elaine..You said your husband says you are "always angry" at him.Well pay attention to that and put a smile on your face even if you have to force it.Someone has to break the ice.Practice smiling at him eye to ey and maybe you will get a smile back and maybe his eyes will start to change when you look into them.Then before you now it your smile is genuine and his eyes are soft towards you.

As far as the sexual issues it could have to do with the loss you have suffered or it coudl be deprsession or hormonal or all of them.You need to go to your MD(GYN) and tell him whats going on.

Maybe if you can fix these things or at aleast be working on them you will have some hope.Even though I think your husband is WRONG for the way he is acting about his family maybe if you are a soft place for him to land he will not feel the need to lean on them so much.Maybe he will look forward more to coming home to you.

Embarrased to go to counseling?..No sweetie..what would be embarrasing is if you did nothing instead of acting on these issues.We all need help sometimes..and over a 40 or 50 year mariage if you have to go several times over those years there is no shame in that whatsoever.It doesnt mean you are somehow defective.Marriage is hard work.And you two have had some serious blows with the miscarriages.

(((HUGS))))

Love

Dallas

[dallasapple]

I need to add a few things to my original post:

I REALLY DON'T WANT CHILDREN, I need to emphasize that, because people are always telling me that there is another way and that I SHOULD want them, but I REALLY DO NOT.  I just want to like my husband again, enjoy having sex with him and learn to laugh and love each other again.

He is really not happy with me, because he says I am always angry at him. I didn't think that was true, but he is very sensitive and must be able to tell that I am unhappy because I feel like I dissapointed him by first not being able to have children, and second by changing my mind and after all our troubles, I now don't even really like or enjoy children anymore.

I don't know this is a mess. I'm desperate. I'm praying to God almost every hour of every day. I'm not sure what else to do. My husband has given us a time limit. Next year by this time, if we're not happier, he's going to divorce me.

Also be honest with your husband.Tell him you seem angry because you feel like you dissapointed him by deciding not to try for a child.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting children..I used to think it was 'weird" if someone just didnt want them.For no particular reason but just didnt want to be a parent and raise a child or children.

I dont believe everyone is "called' to be a parent.In fact I think too many in fact probably the majority have children for selfish reasons..Or for misguided reasons.Or even just because someone else "expects' them to.

Even though I do believe..if you are married and your agreed to have children and your spouse really desires to have one the loving thing to do is at least try.Which it sounds like you gave it your absolute best shot with all your heart.

Who knows..maybe if you and your husband find a way to be happy together the two of you will just have an "oopsie" together one day..(wink).

Love

Dallas