Newly married and struggling

[red elephant]

I am 22 and have been married 3 years. We dated 5 years before getting married, he is now 24.  We are Christians, although lately have not been regularly attending church. I have been feeling God pulling me back again, and have been encouraging him to come with me regularly, to make it a habit and a lifestyle again etc...
Right before we got married, his parents divorced, and then mine divorced right after. The first year of marriage I became very sick and still struggle, but am getting better. Over the course of 3 years he has had ot depend on unemployment a lot due to the economy and has struggled with depression and feelings of low self esteem because of it. We have moved 5 times in 3 years, living with his mom for about 8 months which was a disaster and then moved in with a male roomate to get out of his mom's place which was as difficult if not more. We are now on our own in an apartment again and plan to keep it that way regardless of our financial situation. Needless to say, we got hit with a lot of very difficult things in the beginning of our marriage.
We are struggling latley, and he doesn't seem to think it is a big deal, but I feel empty and alone. When we dated, we experimented sexually, but remained virgins until the day of our wedding. I don't know if it is because we have been together 8 years and we started our dating with being impure and got used to it, but our sex life for being so young and newly married is concerning me. He will not initiate sex or kissing our touching, and when I start to, he usually resists, and there's always a different explanation. When I talk to him about this, he says he has problems with anxiety about life in general, and it takes away his desire. I do not have a physical desire but need an emotional bond with him in that way. I am concerned he has been hanging arouind his guy friends that are not Christians a lot lately, staying out til 3 am coming home drunk, and just not acting like the man I married. Nott concerned about spirituality, but wanting to be like all the other young guys out there, drinking in excess for fun and that is just not me. He thinks I am being controlling and over exhaggerating. Id don't know what to do, I feel lost and alone and he says he understands how I feel, but he doesnt change. He goes out with a girl friend of mine and her boyfriend, and he knows I am notcomfortable with him going out with her without me there, I do not trust her and my friendship with her is fading because of this. They have flirted whem drinking beforembut he continues togo out wiht them and I don't like to drink orgo to bars, so I don't go...He feels I am beingcontrolling and continuesto go despite how I feel. Sometimes I feel I made amistake marrying him. I pictured us being involved in chruch and being a Godly couple and he has turned iunto the exact peron I did not want to marry. Advice? Help?

[armywifenmom]

A guy in his 20's not wanting sex with a willing wife doesn't sound right, a guy in his 20's hanging out all night and getting drunk sounds suspicious. If I were you, I would have him use protection until he stopped acting like a single man. I've heard of too many cheating spouses stories who gave their partners std's. I'm not trying to make things worse, but just being realistic. It sounds like God is the last thing on his mind right now. I'd step it up a notch and tell him that if he wants this marriage to work, then you are both to get counseling. Keep praying. Go to church even if he won't. Your relationship w/ God isn't dependent on whethr your hubby goes to church with you or not. Trust me, you won't be the only woman there without their husband, sadly.

[red elephant]

Thanks for the quick reply- tonight he is out with that girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend and I am really struggling...Trying to study and do homework but feel sick knowing he doesn't care how I feel about this...As crazy as it may sound, I have no feelings that he is cheating on me even though the signs are there. But I'm afraid of this continues, he will become weak and cheat some day. I just do not like who he has become and his total lack of regard for me and how I feel, and for God...Struggling and wondering if I should just get out now when he obviously is not the Christian man I wanted to build my life with....he's becoming all the men I vowed to never waste my time with. I have brought up divorce this year, a word we promised never to discuss or accept as an option but I feel hopeless that he is not changing or even thinking he is wrong.

[JohnDB]

stress does affect different people differently.

Some, like Daniel in the bible, handle it in a manner that is almost unfathonamable.

Some of us get defiant to any kind of request or demand.

Some get whooped and do whatever.

Some will get chemical dependant or look for some kind of escape.  Can be withdrawal and focusing in on tasks or hobbies and or friends.

some will actually self destruct with violence or criminal activity or destroy relationships.

all of these things are signs of depression from the stress. Anything you can do to aleviate the stress on your husband's shoulders will be an added comfort to him. Continue to show respect to him.

BUT

also...you need support from some Christian friends at church...so...GO. Do NOT be condemning in your attitude or voice to him about everything...just the specific behaviors you both know are wrong.  (not the ones you do not like)

I am not suggesting being a doormat. But at the same time you need to be firm about acceptable vx unacceptable behavior. He needs to find work even if it doesn't pay much...work and going to work has a definate effect on a guy...and he needs to get off unemployment and go.  Get him up bright and early Monday morning and have him pound the streets knocking on doors.

It may be a holiday week...but retail is going to go nuts trying to keep up with all of the needed employees. Seek out the Salvation Army if nothing else. They will put a bell in his hand and make him stand over a kettle for minimum wage. At least it is something.

But he needs work. Working six days a week is not something that is the complete drudgery many make it out to be...yes, I know everyone whines about it...but those on unemployment would whine louder if they thought anyone would listen.

anything from delivering pizzas to washing dishes would be better than what he is doing now.


guys are rather simple in relating feelings but completely unable to let their emotions out...He cares for you even if he doesn't act like it at the moment. Right now you are a responsibility he feels shame over and doesn't want to face. He wants in truth to do better for you than what he has...and that is the reason for escaping you. If you leave him he will feel relief and express it as "thank God she left" but the truth will be something completely different. Guys always feel the burden of providing for their families...no matter how young.

[red elephant]

You nailed it- becoming dependent on alcohol for "fun" to relieve stress, focused on his "bros" guy friends, and sinking into hobbies- lots of video games etc....I know he is stressed, and I do think we both struggle with anxiety. I do need to help him with his stress, if he would open up! I can try other ways though...He did find a job and is enjoying it, and I am about to start a new job making great money int he field Iam pursuing for school...things are looking up for us, I just wish he would be positive about all the good that is happening and wish I felt "wanted" in many ways from him - phsyically, emotionally, spiritually etc... Just feel like there is a roadblock between us and his heart is unreachable. Scared for the future if he doesn't change quickly.Thanks for the help. I will seek God more fervantly and have faith to find comfort there.

[chosenone]

I do think that you need to stop even thinking about divorce. Just becuase things havent turned out as you had hoped that is not a reason to think that you should divorce and start again.Put that thought completely out of your mind and dont allow yourself to dwell on it.You are now married and need to work at that marriage..
Life often doesnt go as we had hoped but we need to make the best of it.

GO to church yourself. If he doesnt want to then go alone.

If he is depressed then that will affect his sex drive.

You did meet and marry so young. Few men are mature enough to marry at 21 and maybe he feels that he has missed out on his youth.Couldnt you go out with him as well? You dont have to drink, but just be there with him sometimes?Can you go out more alone together?

I do think that godly counsellng may well help you both to understand each other..When you go to church you will get to know people who can pray for you and if he agrees, even see the pastor together.  Thats good about the jobs though. At least you can stay at your appartment together. It is never a good idea to live with other people.

Dont nag him just seek God, pray for him, go to church and ask God to help you to be the best wife that you can be.