I am in pain

[kfin]

I am in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. 
We have been together  for 3 1/2 years.

I left him two weeks ago.  He will not commit to me.
Why? because he divorced (before he was saved) NOT for a "Bible legal"
reason.  He is now too afraid that if we should marry, he will not
be in God's favor anymore. Honestly, that he may have to face the
fiery pits of Hell for eternity.  We love each other so much, how
can this be happening?  I don't want him to be pushed into commitment
somehow and then he regrets it for the rest of his life either, and lives a life of fear.  I believe
God wants us to be together. I am so scared.

[Lenee925]

What is so "wonderful" about a man who won't commit to you after 3 1/2 years? Why does he think he will go to hell for not marrying you? Sounds like a cop out to me. It's disconcerting that so many people blame God for their issues. I don't know what else to say other than be glad you're moving on. It's probably what he wants you to do anyway since he's not ready for marriage. Also, the spirit of fear isn't from God. If God wanted you to marry this man, it wouldn't be like pulling teeth to get the guy to commit to you. Just my 0.02$. HTH 

[Aaron64]

Matt 19:3-12
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

4 "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'  5 and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"

8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

10 The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."

11 Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
NIV



1 Cor 7:1-14
7:1 Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.  2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
NIV



1 Cor 7:25-28
26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. 27 Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. 28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
NIV



1 John 1:8-10

8 If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
NIV

[chosenone]

I strongly believe that if a person was divorced for whatever reason, they can be forgiven, especially if they weren't even believers. If he has repented, then God has wiped that sin away. I expect he has been told this by someone and it has frightened him. No where in the Bible does it say that if a divorced man who marries again will go to hell. When he becaome a believer his old sins were washed away and he becaome a new creation.Where does the Bible sday that all of our sins are washed away except for divorce?

However if feels this way then why is he going out with other women who he will never marry? That is very selfish on his part and cruel. if he wont budge in this, then he must stay away from any relationship with another women for the rest of his life.

if he is adamant then you are better away from him and free to meet someone else who will marry you one day.

I have to say if I had been going out with a man for 3 1/2 years who wouldn't marry me, I would have to sadly walk away. To be quite honest that is a very long time to wait.

I know a lady (divorced)who has been living with a man for 4 years. She has recently come back to God, He refuses to marry her as he has been divorced and says he isn't going to go through all that again. He is not a believer. She left him but now has gone back as she is lonely. I have told her that God would never want her to live with him when they are not married, or be with a non believer, but she has convinced herself that God has led her to go back to Him. Of course he hasn't.

Have you spoken to anyone about this such as your pastor?Or maybe a mature Christian lady from your church?

Get him to look at this website www.divorcehope.com

[kfin]

I have never been so angry, frustrated, and sad all together.
Is this relationship jihad?

[Lenee925]

I strongly believe that if a person was divorced for whatever reason, they can be forgiven, especially if they weren't even believers. If he has repented, then God has wiped that sin away. I expect he has been told this by someone and it has frightened him. No where in the Bible does it say that if a divorced man who marries again will go to hell. When he becaome a believer his old sins were washed away and he becaome a new creation.Where does the Bible sday that all of our sins are washed away except for divorce?

However if feels this way then why is he going out with other women who he will never marry? That is very selfish on his part and cruel. if he wont budge in this, then he must stay away from any relationship with another women for the rest of his life.

if he is adamant then you are better away from him and free to meet someone else who will marry you one day.

I have to say if I had been going out with a man for 3 1/2 years who wouldn't marry me, I would have to sadly walk away. To be quite honest that is a very long time to wait.

I know a lady (divorced)who has been living with a man for 4 years. She has recently come back to God, He refuses to marry her as he has been divorced and says he isn't going to go through all that again. He is not a believer. She left him but now has gone back as she is lonely. I have told her that God would never want her to live with him when they are not married, or be with a non believer, but she has convinced herself that God has led her to go back to Him. Of course he hasn't.

Have you spoken to anyone about this such as your pastor?Or maybe a mature Christian lady from your church?

Get him to look at this website www.divorcehope.com

I waited 5 1/2 years for a promise ring and to just end up getting dumped anyway. I thank God for him breaking up with me and it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet! I prayed for God to end the relationship if he wasn't my husband and that God would have him do it because I coudn't. Well, let me tell you my God is real and answers prayer. It's not been easy at all, but I refuse to give up or give in. I could cry about getting rejected, wasting my time, being alone, blah blah but God is good and He will give me double for my former shame! Something good is going to happen to me! 

[comfy]

I have never been so angry, frustrated, and sad all together.
Is this relationship jihad?

If it has gotten like this, now, kfin, it could be even more of this if you marry him.

If he were to be swayed, now, to overlook his past divorce, he could then later swing back to being fearful about it. I'm not saying this would happen, just that it can happen. So, it is good to make sure with God.

What is really interesting you in him, at this point?

[kfin]

Comfy,

What is interesting me in him is; I can't give up,  I love him too much to give up.  When he is away from me for a few weeks or more he might realize how important I am.  He might read some of the stuff I have sent him and realize, God will still want him in Heaven.

Yes, I said it in the original post.  I don't want him to regret anything though. 

[comfy]

Thank you, kfin, for sharing such personal things with me.

[Rachel]

I strongly believe that if a person was divorced for whatever reason, they can be forgiven, especially if they weren't even believers. If he has repented, then God has wiped that sin away. I expect he has been told this by someone and it has frightened him. No where in the Bible does it say that if a divorced man who marries again will go to hell. When he becaome a believer his old sins were washed away and he becaome a new creation.Where does the Bible sday that all of our sins are washed away except for divorce?

But even if God forgives the sin of divorce that doesn't absolve us of the consequences of that sin.  The divorcee may have been forgiven for the divorce.  But that doesn't mean we are allowed to go on and marry again without that being adultery in the eyes of God.  God forgives the divorce but does he actually allow us to carry on as though the first marriage didn't happen?

[janine]

Absolutely.

Either you are married or you are not.

If you are not married, then you are free to marry.

Period.

Now, whether or not it is wise to marry --

Whether or not you are good, suitable marriage material anyway --

Or whether it is being a good steward of what God has given you in life, to marry again --

Whether you will be any better this time around at picking a life-partner than you were the first time --

Or whether you have other obligations in life that limit or restrict who you might marry or when you might marry (like, are you in jail?  Are you in the military?  Are you a parent, have you considered if the new spouse is good step-parent material?)  --

These and other matters need serious prayer and study.

But either you are married, and thus unavailable, or you are not, and thus possibly available, after you work through all those considerations above.

And the death of the previous marriage does need to be mourned in a repentant way before God.  It's not a small thing when a marriage dies.  Or is killed.

[comfy]

Janine, I would say you are right, but I can be trying not to get into "political" problems with ones who say *any* marriage is joined by God and therefore even ones married in sin are bound so that if they get divorced they can't ever marry, again.

But I can not tell anyone that a marriage by two people in Satan's kingdom was put together with God, just because their *bodies* have joined. Ones can say God has put them together, but our say-so does not make it so. There are false teachers, etc.; so I consider there are false marriages because of being in false love.

So, the mess we got in, in sin, is all cancelled out. I suppose the fact that we got married in sin is also *forgiven*. I mean, the *marriage* is forgiven! Because it was our selfish loving and lust that brought us together. And it's the other person's own fault they married us while we were sinners.

Because we can make sure with God, about if we marry and who.

So, then, we have the question for the newly converted Christian, who is wondering if they are still married to their spouse who is still living in Satan's kingdom. And I think this is the issue Paul addresses, in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16.

"But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you wil save your wife?"

So, I can see that if the unbeliever has clearly fully abandoned the marriage, the Christian is free to marry a Christian. But we need to pray and test if God is really having us do this. We can tell if we are getting into more and more peace with God while we think about something or consider somebody. I am seeing ones who *maybe* are able to get "remarried", but in desiring marriage they are confused, hurt and suffering about being alone, not really enjoying and appreciating all their very own brothers and sisters in Jesus. They are complaining about not having a spouse, when in fact they have much more mature Jesus people who they can enjoy more than someone who is their own maturity level . . . if they truly enjoy Jesus

I mean, if you appreciate Jesus, I would think you would appreciate ones who are more like Jesus, than you and your own spouse would be.

[Louise]

i'm really saddened to read this message.

why do people get so worried about being thrown into the firey pits???

why would anyone want to worship a god that would do such a thing to their beautiful children??

would you do that to your own children??  would you approve of a parent on the news doing that to their children??

hmmmmmmm

[chosenone]

I strongly believe that if a person was divorced for whatever reason, they can be forgiven, especially if they weren't even believers. If he has repented, then God has wiped that sin away. I expect he has been told this by someone and it has frightened him. No where in the Bible does it say that if a divorced man who marries again will go to hell. When he becaome a believer his old sins were washed away and he becaome a new creation.Where does the Bible sday that all of our sins are washed away except for divorce?

But even if God forgives the sin of divorce that doesn't absolve us of the consequences of that sin.  The divorcee may have been forgiven for the divorce.  But that doesn't mean we are allowed to go on and marry again without that being adultery in the eyes of God.  God forgives the divorce but does he actually allow us to carry on as though the first marriage didn't happen?

A divorce always ends a marriage. if we are no longer married, then we are free to marry again. IF God leads us to do that. Just because we CAN marry again, that doesnt mean that we will, or that God wants it.
If a person has divorced their spouse for selfish reasons and havent repented, then why would God bring them another spouse? If they have repented, and appoligised to the ex spouse, children etc,worked on the reasons why they did such a thing etc, then I believe they are free to marry again, but for women especially there are so few available men around anyway of middle age and older that it isnt likely to happen for them.

if a divorce happened before conversion, then I strongly believe that that person is allowed to marry, as long as they wait on God for the right person.(another believer for example).

[yesult]

If the bible says that the only allowable reason for divorce and remarriage is sexual sin (porniea - original word) which it does. Then that's what the bible says. You either accept it or you don't.

However if the covenant is already broken in that your former spouse is now sleeping with someone else because you are divorced (ie either they remarried or got another parter) then the covenant is broken from what I can see. If you didn't know you didn't know. If they're sleeping with someone else then it's over. Period. Sex is what makes marriage, marriage. It's the ultimate covenant maker and breaker. If you divorced them then you caused them to commit adultery in the circumstance from what I understand from scripture - in otherwords the guilt is on your head because you were the perpetrator. 

Matt 5:32
But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her  to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.

Why don't you tell this man to pray about it. If he made this mistake before he became a christian then he can pray, repent and possibly be allowed to remarry. But that's between him and God. Both sides are right in this situation in that the consequences of sin don't automatically go away once we become christians. And the bible calls remarriage outside of the above clause 'adultery'.  But people can also be forgiven and the debt wiped clean.

CAN.

But that's between God and the individual not automaticly the outcome that will please us best at the time.

If this man prays about it and still doesn't feel right then walk away. You have no right to pressure him into possible sin. That's sin against him, not love. And if he's been irresponsible and just used you, then the sooner you walk away and heal the better anyway.

God has to give this man the ultimate all clear or no go on this, not you or anybody else. And that will only come from him reading the bible and seeking the answer from God himself.

My thoughts.


(it's such a serious issue in Gods eyes - that you want to know and know that you're right before him in it before you go ahead. - You can't expect God to bless a marriage that he calls adulterous.)

[EmbsComputerArt]

Can't you enjoy his company without being married?  Christians can be unmarried and still together.  The Bible doesn't forbid this sort of relationship.  It only forbids sex outside of marriage.  If he doesn't feel like God would have him remarry because he's divorced you SHOULD NOT MAKE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU AND GOD.  That's blackmail.  Marry me or I'm gone?  That's not right.  If you loved him you would say I'll be with you forever even if you can't marry me and we won't have sex because we can't without being married.  If you don't love him, then yeah, leave so he can find different woman that will SUPPORT his commitment to God's word (or at least his understanding of it).  But he needs to know for a fact that hell is not a result of any particular sin.  It's a result of rejecting Christ.  We are saved BY GRACE, not works and no one sin is any worse in God's eyes than another.  Divorce and remarriage will NOT send him to hell.  Rejecting God's grace will.

James 2:10-12
10   For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.
11   For he that said, Do not commit adultery, said also, Do not kill. Now if thou commit no adultery, yet if thou kill, thou art become a transgressor of the law.
12   So speak ye, and so do, as they that shall be judged by the law of liberty.
(KJV)


Ephesians 2:8-9
8   For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:
9   Not of works, lest any man should boast.
(KJV)

Hebrews 2:3
3   How shall we escape, if we neglect so great salvation; which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard him;
(KJV)

Romans 10:9-10
9   That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved.
10   For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.
(KJV)