How to end relationship without hurting

[gjohung]

I am 53 and divorced for 10 years. She is 48 and never married. We both serve in the praise and worship band. Me as guitarist and she as one of the singers.  For years I have watched from afar and I will admit that I considered a possibility of becoming something more than friends in faith serving in the Church.

We went on few "dates" then she started to question seriously abour our relationships. As a typical men with lots of fears and issues due to my failed marriage and relationships.. I avoided the subject. There was slight skinshi such as holing hands and such... which I didn't feel comfortable with her initiating the move. and in attempt not to hurt her feeling I went along.

My observation and through her words - she had been praying for some one. and I may have been answer to her prayer. And her plan included included marriage, having kids, etc.. and she is not afraid to talk about it openly in different circles. It makes me so uncomfortable. Her action is getting to me so bad that I cringe...lately.and seemingly innocent 48 year woman's cutesy action started gimme the creeps.. ugg...

On top of that she is very jealous of me spending time with other women in our singles group. I started to lie about my where abouts when I am with the group. She does not (want to)  belong to the singles group because she is not divorced. Although, all singles are welcomed in our group.

Numerous times over a coffee and e-mail and in written letter. I told her to take it easy. Slow down. We really do not have a relationship, yet. Last week I told her that I do not love you nor ever said that I loved you and told her let's just be friends.  Yet, even as of today she is calling me - and I avoided the call. wanting to goto beach. Text messaging me..

I don't know there is better way than saying straight that I do not want anything. and hurt her - so she can wake up from her fantasy world..

There is a my side on spiritual side... but I will follow it up on another posting..

thanks all for being an ear.

[chosenone]

To be honest you have to tell her straight out that you arent interested in her in that way and that friends is all that you will ever want to be. You cant give her any reason to have hope, and I think you may have done that before. You may need to be cruel to be kind in this instance I 'm afraid. Tell her kindly but firmly. She will be dissapointed I am sure, but its better to know now where she stands with you.

About you, if you still have lots of fears and issues after being divorced for 10 years, maybe you need to pray and ask God to work on them, maybe in counselling?
My husband and I are both previously divorced,(he has been divorced for 5 years and me for 10),so I understand how hard it is, but you do need to get these issues sorted if you do want to marry again one day, and if you want to have a good solid marriage.

[stevehut]

I don't think it's possible to break up without hurting someone.  Otherwise, you had nothing in the first place.

[phoebe]

Yep. just say it.  She will get over it.

And then run fast, run far, and don't look back.  

[gjohung]

it is tuff ro run away at church .... because we still have to worship together.. unless you change church...

[gjohung]

I attend a Korean church in Los Angeles, I am Korean by birth and cam to states in75....when I was 17....I got divorced in 2000. I played guitar.. so I have able to join the praise band. AThrough this I was able to rekindle my relationship with the Lord - which I had lost it long time ago. However, I didn't have sense of belonging other than praise band. Even that was a "family" oriented. Husband and wives serving together. It could be a cultural thing but even with in church a broken family and divorces person had hard time belonging..

about 3 years ago a small group of single mothers got together and started a small group. There were some dedicated church member who also had lost sense of belonging to this stereo type - in a rather conservative eastern ideology - even within Christian Church...

That group evolved to include single dads...


a

[run2him]

If you pay attention to a woman she is going to think you are interested, seriously.  God didn't create women to be a man's "friend" or vice-versa. Advice: Don't pay attention if you don't mean something by it.

[gjohung]

Is this

When Harry Met Sally theory??

[gjohung]

Well, there was a person who actually invited me to this singles meeting

I have known her for may be 3 years prior to that. A divorced with a teenage boy. Struggling to survive. With all that is around. Clinging on to Lord and wishing that tomorrow will be better. I began to know her pretty well... so I thought.  We had our weekly session based on Henry Clouds' Changes that Heal.

I guess through this I came to make peace with my past. It was strange that few years after my divorce, I had few blind dates, arranged by people who cared about me. But then somehow I felt like I was having an affair.

I went through very very heart changing experience of personal forgiveness.

Then my eyes opened.

[chosenone]

Well, there was a person who actually invited me to this singles meeting

I have known her for may be 3 years prior to that. A divorced with a teenage boy. Struggling to survive. With all that is around. Clinging on to Lord and wishing that tomorrow will be better. I began to know her pretty well... so I thought.  We had our weekly session based on Henry Clouds' Changes that Heal.

I guess through this I came to make peace with my past. It was strange that few years after my divorce, I had few blind dates, arranged by people who cared about me. But then somehow I felt like I was having an affair.

I went through very very heart changing experience of personal forgiveness.

Then my eyes opened.

I you felt like you were having an affair when you went out with other women you clearly werent over your ex wife or the
divorce at that time.
When I met my husband, about 6 years after my first marriage ended, it was like meeting my soul mate and after only a few weeks it felt like we had been together all of our lives.
Dont go out with other women till you feel you are ready to do so emotionally.

[phoebe]

it is tuff ro run away at church .... because we still have to worship together.. unless you change church...

I hear that.  If you can't be gently direct with her, just be cool to her.  Don't sit by her, don't call her, don't be alone with her, don't talk to her except in group settings.  She'll get the message eventually.  Sometimes after we've spent some time with a person, we see that they are not exactly who we thought they were, not someone with whom we want to spend our lives.  It's OK to move on-after we've closed that door.

Even though your church is in America, it is still filled with Korean culture, yes?  (My sister-in-law is Korean.)  Even in American culture, divorced people have a difficult time feeling like they have a place to "belong" in a church because for so many years it was treated like the unforgivable sin.  Still is in many places.  "Church" is all about relationship, about being one big family, seen as a collection of small families to make that one big family.  Has a way of making a single person, esp. divorced, feel like an outsider.  One reason their small groups are important, but that can also be the very thing that keeps them separate from the rest of the Body.  A catch-22.

Best to you.