My wife doesn't like sex

[Naomanos]

My wife and I had a discussion last night, one of many that either turned into an argument or didn't (last night's discussion didn't) on our sexual relationship.

before we were married we did engage in pre-marital sex (she was a Christian then and I wasn't, but I am now) and she absolutely loved it. Since getting married however it's gone downhill. She does have sex with me, but she only does it because she feels she must fulfill my needs. Problem is, while it fulfills one need, the physical, it doesn't help the emotional aspect of sex for me. Sex is supposed to bond us together, but it doesn't. I feel like she wants it over with as soon as possible and she did tell me that is how she feels, but that I should be ok with it because she's ok with just having sex and not liking it.

I'm not set up that way, sex is more than physical for me as I mentioned above.

We have talked with her Gyno and he doesn't have any answers. He checked her hormone levels and they were fine. She does have MS and that is probably the major factor. Her neurologist doesn't have any answers either, but tried to comfort her and let her know that sex is something that's supposed to be enjoyed by both husband and wife and that sex is a huge part of marriage. Marriage counseling is out because we can't find free counseling and can't afford counseling anywhere else. Our church charges $70 an hour and other churches you either need to be a member or pay them and their's are all about the same price if not higher in price. None have a sliding scale fee.

We have done the Love Languages book, but while I do her primary love language, she does not do mine. Hers is acts of service which I had been doing well before we even did the book because of her MS. Mine is Physical touch and she hates cuddling, holding hands and what have you. I asked her if it's because it hurts when I touch her or her me and she tells me me no. I'm thinking that this goes way beyond reading books.

I feel horrible because I have such a huge sex drive. I feel horrible for wanting sex at all because of how she feels. She isn't even into cuddling that much and has told me that at times when I cuddle with her in bed (that is if she comes to bed with me at night) she feels like she's being suffocated. Touch is a huge part of me as well. I enjoy touch, holding hands and just randoms touchy feely things.

I have prayed many times about this and get no response. Should I just be ok with her just having sex to fulfill my need even though it doesn't completely? I just feel horrible being that way!

[TJW]

It is not unusual for people, especially for women, who have been sexually active prior to marriage to, after marriage, be uninterested in sex.  The fact that she "absolutely loved it" then  is a major clue.

Sex is one of those life activities which "self-trains".  God is adamant about "saving ourselves" for marriage, among other reasons, for this one.  Our first sexual experiences tend to define the conditions under which we become aroused.

If those conditions are illicit, then the arousal mechanism in the person depends upon the clandestine, extramarital scenario.   This becomes very unfortunate for the later marriage, no sin, no arousal.  It's insidious.

Men do not suffer as badly because their sexual arousal tends to be mostly by what they see.  Women, however, become aroused more by situations and surrounding conditions than sight.

This is why you will never hear it suggested to a woman that she should "wine and dine" a man in order to score him.  She will be advised to wear revealing clothes, jewelry which points to cleavage or legs, etc.

If a man is being advised, he will be told to "bring her flowers", take her to a nice dinner and a movie, etc.

I have prayed many times about this and get no response.
Marriage counseling is out because we can't find free counseling

Well, then I would say that God has ALREADY RESPONDED, but you don't like His response.

You spend far more than that on your house, your car, and most likely, your entertainment.  These things should all be at a LOWER PRIORITY than your marriage and its correct function.  Sell your house, your car, forego your beer, and turn off your satellite or cable.  Fix your marriage, then get those things back, if there's any money left.  

Get an extra job, etc.  Whatever it takes.

I'm thinking that this goes way beyond reading books.

You think correctly.

Your wife will likely need professional help to overcome this.  Oh, and BTW, forget the church.  That is, unless the church has someone who is also a LICENSED, TRAINED, DIPLOMATE who SPECIALIZES in sexual dysfunction.  This is a job for a PROFESSIONAL, not a pretender.  If you can have a christian who is also QUALIFIED, then that is great.  But seek the qualifications first.  

If you were on a gurney being rolled into an ER, you would not be asking the man or woman with the white coat if he/she is a "christian".  That's where your marriage is.

[Naomanos]

It is not unusual for people, especially for women, who have been sexually active prior to marriage to, after marriage, be uninterested in sex.  The fact that she "absolutely loved it" then  is a major clue.

Sex is one of those life activities which "self-trains".  God is adamant about "saving ourselves" for marriage, among other reasons, for this one.  Our first sexual experiences tend to define the conditions under which we become aroused.

If those conditions are illicit, then the arousal mechanism in the person depends upon the clandestine, extramarital scenario.   This becomes very unfortunate for the later marriage, no sin, no arousal.  It's insidious.

Men do not suffer as badly because their sexual arousal tends to be mostly by what they see.  Women, however, become aroused more by situations and surrounding conditions than sight.

This is why you will never hear it suggested to a woman that she should "wine and dine" a man in order to score him.  She will be advised to wear revealing clothes, jewelry which points to cleavage or legs, etc.

If a man is being advised, he will be told to "bring her flowers", take her to a nice dinner and a movie, etc.

I have prayed many times about this and get no response.
Marriage counseling is out because we can't find free counseling

Well, then I would say that God has ALREADY RESPONDED, but you don't like His response.

You spend far more than that on your house, your car, and most likely, your entertainment.  These things should all be at a LOWER PRIORITY than your marriage and its correct function.  Sell your house, your car, forego your beer, and turn off your satellite or cable.  Fix your marriage, then get those things back, if there's any money left.  

Get an extra job, etc.  Whatever it takes.

I'm thinking that this goes way beyond reading books.

You think correctly.

Your wife will likely need professional help to overcome this.  Oh, and BTW, forget the church.  That is, unless the church has someone who is also a LICENSED, TRAINED, DIPLOMATE who SPECIALIZES in sexual dysfunction.  This is a job for a PROFESSIONAL, not a pretender.  If you can have a christian who is also QUALIFIED, then that is great.  But seek the qualifications first.  

If you were on a gurney being rolled into an ER, you would not be asking the man or woman with the white coat if he/she is a "christian".  That's where your marriage is.

First of all, I take major offense to this

Sell your house, your car, forego your beer, and turn off your satellite or cable.

! I'm not a drinker, have never been drunk in my life. Second, if I sell my car I can not get to work (that would just make matters much worse) since there are no buses that go that way, we live in an apartment and we don't have internet or cable. The internet we have is because our next door neighbor allows us to connect through his router. We use rabbit ears for TV reception. I'm already out of the house 13 hours a day 5 days a week for work. There's no time left for working for me. My weekends are filled with doing the things that she is unable to do around the apartment.

Automatically assuming that one drinks isn't the best way to give advice. To be honest I don't think your advice was helpful at all beyond something that I already know, but can not do at this time.

[IAMOK]

Please take the parts of someone's advice that could help and drop the others..He meant no harm..You don't have to defend yourself here!

First off let me say I am very sorry you are experiencing this.. I have a story also but I won't get into it..Let me see if I can shed some light from my experience.

If your wife doesn't enjoy sex any more chances are she might not have an orgasm or can't. Women who can, want sex from someone they love if they are married. Women who can't,  can get tired of the action..If she used to then maybe something in her mind has changed. Feelings are the reason for the season with women. With all of us just in different ways..
Sounds to me like the love thing is having a hard time in her mind and sex is just an outflow from that. She may be depressed or has some hidden agenda..Hard to say.

Many women have been messed up from way back in the sex dept  from abuse to premarital sex to rejection.
I can remember Exactly what you are saying happening to me.. In my case she was broken and I don't think she ever got fixed.
She was abused as a 12y old. Sad She didn't know how to love no touch no cuddle. She needed what TJW said no sin no arousal.

I hope your wife's problem is simpler. Your job, love her like Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her. Find what makes her happy. Be her friend and tone down on the sex thing. It will hurt
You both may need lotsa  counseling. John Regier does a type of healing ministry that digs into the past to forgive and move forward.
See if a local church subscribes to this ministry it could help you both grow. Don't give up..Give her Christ with skin on.

Be patient with her.. God bless you.


IAMOK

[WifeMomTeacher]

Naomanos,

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes.  I signed into this website forum in search of answers... because like your wife, I suffer from a lack of sex drive.

I've been with my husband for 15 years.  We met in high school, fell in love, and 5 years later we got married and eventually started our family.  We were both virgins when we first made love and have remained one another's one & only sexual partner.  Unfortunately my sex drive has only gotten worse over the years and it has put so much tension on our marriage/friendship.  I've spoke to multiple doctors about it and can't seem to find answers.  They all tell me it's 'in my head' and I need to lighten up... drink some wine and relax with him.  Sadly, drinking wine is about the only time I do allow myself to get into it.  Although we have sex 2-3x's a week, I do it because I feel it's important for our marriage... but I seldom enjoy it and he knows I'm not into it.  He is so frustrated with me and ... I am so frustrated with me too!  I wish it was something I could just enjoy with him.  He's sooo darn cute & sexy, an amazing father and a all around good guy.  So what's my problem!?!

Sex feels dirty to me.  I HATE everything about it.  I ALWAYS feel this way and always dread the nights I know it's coming.  (I used to pick fights after the kids went to bed so I could get out of it, but I've learned that that wasn't helping anything...)  When we're actually into it, ONCE in a great while I can enjoy myself... but usually not.  Creative sex makes me want to vomit- it makes me think of pornography (although I've never actually watched it) and feel like it's just not appropriate at all, even if that means my husband has a VERY boring sex life.  I've often told him, if I just knew my very modest, traditional Grandma was able to have a healthy sexual marriage, maybe I would be able to also.  But instead I've associated all sexual touching/actions with pornography and completely off limits. 

My opinion of it... I'm afraid I've let God down.  Although my husband and I were both virgins when we first made love, we didn't wait until our wedding night.  We knew we were in love and one another's forever partners (or so we thought) but we were not even engaged at the time.  As a young girl I had prayed to Jesus, and vowed my virginity till marriage.  I still have the promise note I wrote, signed and dated.  I fear that because I broke my promise to God, I have lost out on the joy of a healthy sexual marriage.  I fear that this problem will never go away and I'm so afraid of the consequences it may forever have on my marriage.  My husband has been a patient man, but I know I'm not being fair to him.  With today's world of temptations, it isn't right of me to deny him and expect him to remain 100% faithful.  Although I doubt he would actually physically cheat on me, I fear he will (or may already) mentally/emotionally cheat on me. 

I've spoken to my Gyno about it, she referred us to marriage counseling, who referred me to a Sex Therapist, who told me to drink more wine & loosen up...  I fear there's just no hope for me.

Naomanos, please be patient and keep doing your best to support her... she may also be hurting inside.

[TJW]

I am sorry I offended you.  That was not my intent at all.  I made no assumptions, I don't know you, I can't possibly know if you "drink" or not.  I simply drew a comparison between the things you could spend your money upon and those which should be spent upon at a higher priority.

[chosenone]

Naomanos,

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes.  I signed into this website forum in search of answers... because like your wife, I suffer from a lack of sex drive.

I've been with my husband for 15 years.  We met in high school, fell in love, and 5 years later we got married and eventually started our family.  We were both virgins when we first made love and have remained one another's one & only sexual partner.  Unfortunately my sex drive has only gotten worse over the years and it has put so much tension on our marriage/friendship.  I've spoke to multiple doctors about it and can't seem to find answers.  They all tell me it's 'in my head' and I need to lighten up... drink some wine and relax with him.  Sadly, drinking wine is about the only time I do allow myself to get into it.  Although we have sex 2-3x's a week, I do it because I feel it's important for our marriage... but I seldom enjoy it and he knows I'm not into it.  He is so frustrated with me and ... I am so frustrated with me too!  I wish it was something I could just enjoy with him.  He's sooo darn cute & sexy, an amazing father and a all around good guy.  So what's my problem!?!

Sex feels dirty to me.  I HATE everything about it.  I ALWAYS feel this way and always dread the nights I know it's coming.  (I used to pick fights after the kids went to bed so I could get out of it, but I've learned that that wasn't helping anything...)  When we're actually into it, ONCE in a great while I can enjoy myself... but usually not.  Creative sex makes me want to vomit- it makes me think of pornography (although I've never actually watched it) and feel like it's just not appropriate at all, even if that means my husband has a VERY boring sex life.  I've often told him, if I just knew my very modest, traditional Grandma was able to have a healthy sexual marriage, maybe I would be able to also.  But instead I've associated all sexual touching/actions with pornography and completely off limits. 

My opinion of it... I'm afraid I've let God down.  Although my husband and I were both virgins when we first made love, we didn't wait until our wedding night.  We knew we were in love and one another's forever partners (or so we thought) but we were not even engaged at the time.  As a young girl I had prayed to Jesus, and vowed my virginity till marriage.  I still have the promise note I wrote, signed and dated.  I fear that because I broke my promise to God, I have lost out on the joy of a healthy sexual marriage.  I fear that this problem will never go away and I'm so afraid of the consequences it may forever have on my marriage.  My husband has been a patient man, but I know I'm not being fair to him.  With today's world of temptations, it isn't right of me to deny him and expect him to remain 100% faithful.  Although I doubt he would actually physically cheat on me, I fear he will (or may already) mentally/emotionally cheat on me. 

I've spoken to my Gyno about it, she referred us to marriage counseling, who referred me to a Sex Therapist, who told me to drink more wine & loosen up...  I fear there's just no hope for me.

Naomanos, please be patient and keep doing your best to support her... she may also be hurting inside.

So God has forgiven you for not waiting, but you havent forgiven yourself. I think this is at the root of this problem and I also think that you need prayer ministry and not a doctor or therapist. The guilt that you feel, and the way you think that you are not now entitled to enjoy sex, is an indication that this is at the root of it.
Have you both repented together for having sex outside marriage? If you have then it has been wiped clean. Or are you saying that Jesus's death wasnt enough to do that for you?.
I think you need to repent for not forgiving yourself, and ask for God to wash this guilt away. God dearly loves us to have good sex in marriage, and Satan hates it when we do. Satan is robbing you both of a blessed and godly sex life. Read and reflect on song of songs as well, it is very erotic. Choose some good and appropriatre verses from it and pray them for your marriage.
God Bless

[TJW]

if I just knew my very modest, traditional Grandma was able to have a healthy sexual marriage, maybe I would be able to also. 

No.  This is an absurd thought.  What your Grandma did has nothing to do with you at all.  The fact is, you are able to have a healthy sexual marriage, by the power of the Lord Jesus Christ who lives in you.

I've associated all sexual touching/actions with pornography and completely off limits.

Yes, and you understand what is preventing you from having a healthy sexual marriage.  If you change these beliefs, then you will be empowered to have a healthy sexual marriage.

I fear that because I broke my promise to God, I have lost out on the joy of a healthy sexual marriage. 

Dr. Phil says that 80% of the decisions we make are out of fear.  You are making your decision to continue the way you are because of fear.
This fear is what Jesus died to render powerless.  He said that He came to destroy the works of the devil.  Fear is from the devil.

I fear that this problem will never go away   
I fear there's just no hope for me.

Job 3:25 (KJV)

For the thing which I greatly feared is come on me, and that which I was afraid of is come to me.

God can redeem your failure, but not your fear.  Fear keeps you immobilized.

a Sex Therapist, who told me to drink more wine & loosen up...

there is nothing in this nation quite so common as therapist idiots. 

And, the term "christian therapist" only says that there will be idiots in heaven.

If you are going to go to a therapist, find one who believes the bible.  I don't care whether they call themselves "christian", or not.  What I care about is whether he/she believes Romans 12:2:

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what [is] that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

That "good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God" is for you and your husband to have a healthy, loving, fulfilling sexual marriage.  Just like His will is to give us heaven even though we have sinned.

And find one who believes 2 Corinthians 10:3-5:

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh:  (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;)   Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

[Janice]

I read the RoC and agreed to them when I signed up, but can't find them now to see what rules 3.1 and 3.3 are about posting a link.

However, I work with people who have MS and their families, and can say that MS does affect sexuality, so we can't ignore the MS impact on your marriage. MS can affect everything from balance to energy to mood changes to incontinence and many things in between, all of which can affect the desire for sex. There are also a lot of emotional things that go on for someone with a disabling condition which may affect it such as wondering how to be a good lover when fatigue sets in so fast. Decreased desire for sexual intimacy is typical for nearly half of people with MS (half the participants in the study were under 40 and half were over 40).

While knowing that it is typical, that is not very helpful. So back to my concern about rules for posting links, I'm posting this one in the hopes that it can stay on. It is one of the resources I provide to my clients.

http://mssociety.ca/en/pdf/MS_Intimacy.pdf

It is not an easy situation to be in, for sure, and my heart goes out for you both. I'm sure your wife doesn't like the situation either. I do think that your situation requires much understanding, compassion, patience, good communication and adaptability, and that might get challenging from time to time, but together you can work it out.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

I read the RoC and agreed to them when I signed up, but can't find them now to see what rules 3.1 and 3.3 are about posting a link.

How bout I just repost the link, so as to make it "kosher?"

http://mssociety.ca/en/pdf/MS_Intimacy.pdf

[WifeMomTeacher]

I want to thank you sharing your thoughts and advice.  What you said made complete sense and I actually had my husband sit down and read this entire discussion board with me.  Afterwards we had a very productive talk and seem to be on the same page.  It will still take time, and that is mostly something I have to work on through prayer & reading the bible, but I know now that I can overcome this, and I thank you for your vote of confidence. 

[IamStefanie]

Hello OP,

I am not married, but as far as the counseling goes, that will be a great idea I believe. The counseling I believe may eventually get your wife to talking, so you can know what is going on. I know $ is a factor for you and you know where you're money is most needed to. (And a side note, I can't believe churches are charging for this....smh).

My only advice to you is to continue to see some free or very low cost counseling; check your local/county health clinics.

I hope things get better for you and your wife...

In Jesus name...

[admin]

Naomanos,

These might help as well:
http://www.joebeam.com/developingintimacy.htm
http://www.joebeam.com/differingdesires.htm
http://www.joebeam.com/sexandbible.htm
http://www.joebeam.com/sexinthechristianlife.htm
and several at http://joebeam.com/blog/category/sex/

[Nathanael]

Its so important that wives do not withold from their husbands sexually, I can understand it happens when there is deep disharmony but it should absolutely not be the case between a loving husband and wife. The fact that the OP's wife knows touch and physical intimacy to be her husbands primary means of receiving love and yet she still witholds from him is not the behaviour of a loving wife. If there are medical reasons then of course thats a different matter, but if its just that she does not personally feel it is important to her, and so neglects her husband, whilst he is giving towards her love language, then she needs to wake up and quit being self centered.

I realise we only have part of the story. Maybe there are deep issues between you that are causing her to be withdrawn? Or maybe the MS. Also, she has to engage her emotions and desire, not just do it mechanically, its vital that she connects with you in this area. Sex is only one part, why on earth can't she hold hands now and then? Its not much to ask of your loved one.

Sexual hang-ups ARE marriage breakers. Lack of affection displays such as hand holding and hugs are marriage killers too. Marriage is not meant to be like brother and sister sharing a house. There are thousands of broken families and children with no family life because of husbands or wives who did not take Gods advice through Paul,

"Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won't be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

And it does not mean you have to throw yourselves around the bedroom all the time. Many heart-broken spouses would give anything for just a kiss and a quick hug and a whispered "I love you"

How hard can it be ? ?

[Supplanter]

My personal opinion, "sexual issues" are rarely about sex. The fact is that the sexual act should be the fruit of a deep, abiding love and a giving heart. The desire to want to give fully of yourself to another. If someone is withholding themselves from any physical touch from their spouse, then it is just selfishness, whatever the cause, it is selfish and it is a way to withhold yourself and not be vulnerable.

Whether insecurities, health issues, or fear, that person has decided it is more important to protect themselves than to give to their spouse. Even if someone can't physical perform a sexual act, they can still offer physical affection, still allow another person to be able to hold them. Still provide sexual stimulation in other ways and actually enjoy their spouse.

So basically, if you arent' enjoying having sex or physical touch from your spouse then you have decided you are the more important person in the relationship and their emotional/intimacy needs are not high enough a priority to be met.

[Supplanter]

Also, I find that most people who relate their "sexual problems" to them having premarital sex often have more of an issue with pride than actually ahving premarital sex. They use the premarital sex as an excuse because they really resent their partner and themselves for either initiating or giving in and in truth have not forgiven them for sullying their "honor."

Waiting for marriage is a point of pride for most Christians. You aren't better or worse if you have sex before marriage. We are all a bunch of sinners redeemed by grace and if you can't extend that grace to sexual sin then there are deeper heart issues to be delt with. 

Again, it goes back to selfishness. Holding on to guilt and beating yourself up is more important than letting your spouse know they are forgiven and loved. 

[Supplanter]

It is not unusual for people, especially for women, who have been sexually active prior to marriage to, after marriage, be uninterested in sex.  The fact that she "absolutely loved it" then  is a major clue.

Sex is one of those life activities which "self-trains".  God is adamant about "saving ourselves" for marriage, among other reasons, for this one.  Our first sexual experiences tend to define the conditions under which we become aroused.

If those conditions are illicit, then the arousal mechanism in the person depends upon the clandestine, extramarital scenario.   This becomes very unfortunate for the later marriage, no sin, no arousal.  It's insidious.

Men do not suffer as badly because their sexual arousal tends to be mostly by what they see.  Women, however, become aroused more by situations and surrounding conditions than sight.

This is why you will never hear it suggested to a woman that she should "wine and dine" a man in order to score him.  She will be advised to wear revealing clothes, jewelry which points to cleavage or legs, etc.

If a man is being advised, he will be told to "bring her flowers", take her to a nice dinner and a movie, etc.

As a woman, I just want to say, Wow and no. Women don't become disinterested in sex because their is no sin involved anymore, they become disinterested because they use it as a tool for power instead of what it was actually meant to be.

[Wednesday]

Waiting for marriage is a point of pride for most Christians.

Wrong!  It is what God tells us to do.  If we make it a pride issue, then that is not from God but from ourselves and is nothing but worldly pride.

You aren't better or worse if you have sex before marriage.

Again, what does God tell us to do?  A "Christian" does not tell another Christian that you are no better off if you obey God or do not obey God.  It is ALWAYS better to obey God or one will have consequences.

We are all a bunch of sinners redeemed by grace and if you can't extend that grace to sexual sin then there are deeper heart issues to be delt with. 

If this were the case, then we can kill, have sex with anyone, lie....whatever because of the grace of God.  Yes God does forgive, but that is not a ticket to sin all you want to.  Having sex before marriage is not a lesser sin.

Again, it goes back to selfishness. Holding on to guilt and beating yourself up is more important than letting your spouse know they are forgiven and loved.

Yes it is selfishness, but not for the guilt but because we do what we want to do and not what God tells us to do.  When we do what we want to please ourselves and not God then this is very selfish and it is sinful.    We should always put God before self.

[Supplanter]

Waiting for marriage is a point of pride for most Christians.

Wrong!  It is what God tells us to do.  If we make it a pride issue, then that is not from God but from ourselves and is nothing but worldly pride.
You aren't better or worse if you have sex before marriage.

Again, what does God tell us to do?  A "Christian" does not tell another Christian that you are no better off if you obey God or do not obey God.  It is ALWAYS better to obey God or one will have consequences.

I never said that sex before marriage wasn't wrong. Thanks. But someone not having sex before marriage doesn't make them "better" as people or make others who have had sex before marriage any "lesser" in the eyes of God. All have sinned and fallen short. But I find that many Christians consider themselves "better" as peopel or Christians and in God's sight for avoiding "sexual sin" like it is somehow worse than committing other sins.


We are all a bunch of sinners redeemed by grace and if you can't extend that grace to sexual sin then there are deeper heart issues to be delt with. 

If this were the case, then we can kill, have sex with anyone, lie....whatever because of the grace of God.  Yes God does forgive, but that is not a ticket to sin all you want to.  Having sex before marriage is not a lesser sin.

Again, I never said it was nor did I say grace was a license for immorality. However, sinning or not sinning does not change God's love for me or the grace extended to me or my salvation. Anyone who truly loves God doesn't look at grace and say I can sin all I want since God will forgive me. That isn't a true love relationship with Jesus. ONLY restraining sin outwardly doesn't mean the heart is transformed by the power of Christ.

Again, it goes back to selfishness. Holding on to guilt and beating yourself up is more important than letting your spouse know they are forgiven and loved.

Yes it is selfishness, but not for the guilt but because we do what we want to do and not what God tells us to do.  When we do what we want to please ourselves and not God then this is very selfish and it is sinful.    We should always put God before self.

Maybe next time you should read what I actually write and not read into what you presume my beliefs must be.

[Wednesday]

Maybe next time you should read what I actually write and not read into what you presume my beliefs must be.

Dear Sister, I used your words and quoted you?    That is not presuming, it's quoting!  You are free to change your mind, and that would be a good thing! 

Sex before marriage is wrong no matter how one dresses it up, period.

[Supplanter]

Maybe next time you should read what I actually write and not read into what you presume my beliefs must be.

Dear Sister, I used your words and quoted you?    That is not presuming, it's quoting!  You are free to change your mind, and that would be a good thing! 

Sex before marriage is wrong no matter how one dresses it up, period.

Yes, you quoted me and not once did I say sex before marriage was not wrong.

[iluvgalatians]

I have questions about my own marriage.  I have been married for 15 years,     I enjoy sex and orgasm often but I dont feel like having sex unless my husband initiates and stimulates me in foreplay first.  we have had several arguments over the years because he says he wouldnt watch so much porn if I were more aggressive in bed, he says he is tired of always initiating.  I have made love to him several times without him starting anything but I admit its rarely.  I just dont have an appetite until I smell the food under my nose if you know what I mean.  First, does anyone have suggestions? Is this wrong of him to put that burdon of his porn addiction on me, like its my fault?  And what if I dont change...is my marriage at risk for adultery on his part? Is it a sin to give him permission to look at porn if thats what brings him satisfaction that I can't meet?      your own experiences and knowledge appreciated.

[DaveW]

Its so important that wives do not withold from their husbands sexually,

That runs so counter to the sexual attitudes of first century Judaism (where Jesus and all the writers of the NT were raised)

That attitude is summed up this way:  "Sex is a wife's right and a husband's responsibility."   The Mishnah even says what the common expectation was (frequently put into the Ketuba (marriage contract).

For common laborers - minimum once a week.
For sailors and traveling merchants  - minimum once a year
For unemployed and independantly wealthy - minimum once a day.

There were several more categories. It was also somewhat common for women who had husbands who were in fields that gave them less to take them to court to force them into other trades to satisfy them more often.

I'm just sayin' ..........

[jamanabo]

Hi, I am a mom of 4 and not a touchy feely person.  My husband is.  I was wondering what changes came into your life?  Kids or other.  Sometimes the only way to get me to relax and feel like being close is out of the house.  I have too much to do here. Wash , kids, dishes what not.   I'm not sure if this will help but my hubby and I need and use monthly date night.  My wonderful mom watches my kids and my hubby and I go out.  Movie, dinner, a walk, a picnic or just go and park.  Its wonderful and has done wonders for us.  I may not be intimate any other time but then but its sooo worth it.  Just my two cents... God Bless

[johndoo]

Specifically in regards to iluvgalations:

It is not helpful or correct to blame a porn addiction on a spouse.
Yes there may be issues but the addict has to take responsibility for his or her actions.

Foreplay is important for the sexual response for most women.

Both men and women can be drawn into the sexual experience.
Desire plays a role.
But there is also just planning and willingness.
Both women and men want to feel desired.  When one partner initiates, the other partner feels desired.

A good sex therapist with good credentials can help many couples.

[Stephen777]

My wife and I had a discussion last night, one of many that either turned into an argument or didn't (last night's discussion didn't) on our sexual relationship.

before we were married we did engage in pre-marital sex (she was a Christian then and I wasn't, but I am now) and she absolutely loved it. Since getting married however it's gone downhill. She does have sex with me, but she only does it because she feels she must fulfill my needs. Problem is, while it fulfills one need, the physical, it doesn't help the emotional aspect of sex for me. Sex is supposed to bond us together, but it doesn't. I feel like she wants it over with as soon as possible and she did tell me that is how she feels, but that I should be ok with it because she's ok with just having sex and not liking it.

I'm not set up that way, sex is more than physical for me as I mentioned above.

We have talked with her Gyno and he doesn't have any answers. He checked her hormone levels and they were fine. She does have MS and that is probably the major factor. Her neurologist doesn't have any answers either, but tried to comfort her and let her know that sex is something that's supposed to be enjoyed by both husband and wife and that sex is a huge part of marriage. Marriage counseling is out because we can't find free counseling and can't afford counseling anywhere else. Our church charges $70 an hour and other churches you either need to be a member or pay them and their's are all about the same price if not higher in price. None have a sliding scale fee.

We have done the Love Languages book, but while I do her primary love language, she does not do mine. Hers is acts of service which I had been doing well before we even did the book because of her MS. Mine is Physical touch and she hates cuddling, holding hands and what have you. I asked her if it's because it hurts when I touch her or her me and she tells me me no. I'm thinking that this goes way beyond reading books.

I feel horrible because I have such a huge sex drive. I feel horrible for wanting sex at all because of how she feels. She isn't even into cuddling that much and has told me that at times when I cuddle with her in bed (that is if she comes to bed with me at night) she feels like she's being suffocated. Touch is a huge part of me as well. I enjoy touch, holding hands and just randoms touchy feely things.

I have prayed many times about this and get no response. Should I just be ok with her just having sex to fulfill my need even though it doesn't completely? I just feel horrible being that way!

If your wife was having sex with you before you were both married, how could she be a Christian when sex before marriage is a sin?

[thislittlelight]

If your wife was having sex with you before you were both married, how could she be a Christian when sex before marriage is a sin?

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  We're all sinners.  If a sinless life was the requirement to be a Christian, there wouldn't be any Christians. 

David committed adultery and had a man murdered and yet he was a man after God's own heart.  Aaron was the first high priest of Israel and yet he made an idol for the Israelites to worship.  Judas betrayed Jesus.  God forgives all sin if we repent.

I love how God used such imperfect people in the Bible to do such great things. 

And I do believe that sex before marriage is serious sin and has serious consequences.  And thank you God for forgiving me for that sin.  But I do carry much guilt and consequence for it.   

[Lively Stone]

If your wife was having sex with you before you were both married, how could she be a Christian when sex before marriage is a sin?

What? Christians don't sin?

[DaveW]

What? Christians don't sin?

There are some here with the mindset that if you sin you either lose salvation or never really had it to begin with.

IMO they do that by having a way too narrow definition of sin.

[DaveW]

If your wife was having sex with you before you were both married, how could she be a Christian when sex before marriage is a sin?

She ENJOYED having sex before they were married (when it was forbidden) and now that it is allowed, commanded even, she hates it. 

I would submit that it was the idea of it being forbidden that she liked so much. If she really enjoyed it (with a lot of orgasms) then I would warn that she is vulnerable to an affair when sex would become forbidden again.  Orgasm is an interesting study.  It tends to slightly re-wire the brain every time it happens. Hers got rewired and linked to forbidden sex. She may find arousal and release difficult without that factor. 

If that is the case, she may need to see a professional who deals with sexual problems.  She DEFINITELY needs a lot of prayer.