Dating after 40

[rocknrider]

I'm 44 and going through a divorce. I am not ready to date yet,  but will be in the next few years. I was married for half of my life and need to know what it's like out there. I'm a little scared.

Please don't give me advice. I'm only interested in YOUR experience if you began dating after 40. Men & Women are both welcome to answer.

1. How do you meet a nice guy/girl?

2. How do you stay safe on a date?

3. Do you consider age a factor in choosing someone? Do you prefer someone in your own age group or older/younger? Why/why not?

4. How do you determine if the person is a contender (common interests, chemistry, spiritual walk. etc.)?

5. How can you tell if s/he is really into you?

6. Are there rules about phoning/texting to which you adhere?

7. Is the guy still expected to pay for the date? Open your door?

8. What do you do/say if s/he is not the one?

9. Do you begin with a list of requirements?

10. Is there anything else you think I should know?

Thanks for your honesty!

[JohnDB]

Hey.

I'm a newlywed at 40+ something.

I can tell you that I thought that it was gonna be horrible. It wasn't.

I thought no woman in her right mind would have anything to do with me. (Partially right on that one......lots of wackos out there)

But I had a lot of fun. I met some amazing women & dated a lot of them. Found out that sincere Christian and Male were in short supply. That Christian women were dime per bakers dozen. I could be picky.

Found plenty of "Christian" women willing to jump in the sack. And a bunch who were embarrased to even say the word "sex".

In the end I found an "almost 30" year old woman who is more awesome than I could have imagined possible.

Really know someone before getting involved. Dates are easy & let them be easily had. (They'll flirt or ask themselves)

But everyone is different. Take lots of time as you don't want to repeat an earlier mistake in whom you choose. People get wiser & more subtle with age, on both sides of the gender fence.

[rocknrider]

Thank you, JohnDB.

How did you find these women? Internet dating sites? Church groups? Set up by friends?

Were you unable to find anyone in your own age group that was attractive? Do women your own age seem older to you? Or did you pursuit an almost 30 year old because you could? Still trying to find out if an age difference is significant. I don't want a younger man. Why do I see men dating much younger women?

[JohnDB]

I found women everywhere available to date. Online and in singles groups.

Actually most of the women I dated were older than me. Some in their 50's.

Because of the surplus of women to healthy, normal men a lot of women got overlooked that I might have dated.

I was looking for specific generalities of a good friend first and foremost when I dated. Most men my age are over their sexual drives being the most important thing and now are interested in forming a real relationship. Women, on the other hand, have given up on relationships & now are looking for tolerable sex partners. Kinda whacked in many ways.

My wife's age was what made me first ignore her as a potential date. I wasn't even considering her because of many false assumptions on my part. (I needed a highly intelligent and mature partner) finding out eventually (because she pushed hard due to her finding in me what she wanted) I found she had the qualities I was looking for in a life partner.

Clothes, makeup, perfumes & cologne only gets a person noticed. But a great smile and friendly personality do so too and keeps the opposite sex's attention. 

As far as paying. Whoever invites pays customarily but not always. Childcare is each individual's expense when dating.

[chosenone]

rocknrider 
I became single again after 23 years of marriage, at the age if 44. I didn't feel ready to think of another man for 3 or 4 years, but once I did, I soon realised that there were NO Christian men around of my age or anywhere round my age in my church or anywhere that I had been to.  Its very different for men than women in Christian circles, they have far far more choice. Also I wasn't really interested in a much older man(say more than 5 or 6 so years older) and as you say so many men aren't interested in women of their own age for some bizarre reason(their loss lol).
My solution? Joined internet dating sites for Christians. Obviously similar probelms there, with far fewer men than women, which is made worse by men wanting women in lower age brackets. I was on 2 different sites on and off for 2 years. Met 3 guys in person, who were nice enough, but none of whom I clicked with, emailed and got to know several others, and finally saw my husbands profile. Really liked what he had written(no photo was there) and sent him a message. He had literally just gone on the internet site a few days before. After many messages to and fro, we spoke on the phone 2 days later, met 2 days after that, and 9 month later were married. That was 6 years ago. We are very happy. Of course we both had baggage, my husband has been in an unhappy marriage for 23 years when his wife cheated and divorced him, and we both had young adult children, but everything we have gone though has made us stronger.

I did ask God for certain qualities in a man(such as patience, godliness, honesty, integrity etc) and I got all of them, but I wasn't fussy when it came to things like "he must have a lot of money, own his own house, look like Brad Pitt" etc!I do think that many people are far too fussy and particular about things that just dont matter.  Then they wonder why they are still single.

I cant really answer most of your questions, because I just 'knew' that he was the one. We were on the same wavelength, felt comfortable around each other straight away, and spiritually we were very similar. 

Its all a bit of a gamble of course, as you meet all sorts on the internet, as in life, but good old common sense is very useful. That and asking God for guidance and protection.
I also want to say that I can think of at least 7 Christians couples that I know who met over the internet, but sometimes it take time and perseverance, especially for us ladies! 

I am sorry that you are having to go through a divorce, its horrible, but well done for being able to look ahead so soon. It too me years to believe that I had any future at all.
Blessings

[LadyJane]

Hi,

I was divorced after 22 years of marriage and though, it has been five years and one dating error later, I don't find a lack of men to date.  I've decided recently, to put dating on hold, and go for a Bachelor's degree, attending college full time.  I have a three year old daughter and she and school are priority.

I've got a bunch of men asking for dates, almost pushy.  I think after so many years of marriage, there is a level of discomfort.  I'm pretty low on the financial scale, so if I go out on a date, I can't go unless the man pays for the date, but it's understood ahead of time. 

I figure if God wants me to remarry, I will someday, and He'll bring the right person into my life.  I don't consider myself on the "market" but I'll leave it up to God.  I am not afraid to be alone.

I think the best thing to do is to invest in yourself and your family, and if someone interesting comes your way, try a date!  God knows your needs :-)

[rocknrider]

Lady Jane,

You are so wise to build a strong financial foundation for you and your daughter. I too have returned to college and will apply this fall for a bachelors program, and after that, graduate school. I was happy staying home raising my children, so my education took a back seat. Now I need to be able to earn more money and close that chapter of my life. I support you in your endeavors and applaud you for the stand that you have taken on the dating front. God will reward you in ways that you cannot imagine.

[LadyJane]

Hello RocknRider,

Life is not easy, but it is full of rewards!!  I am studying for a BSN in Nursing and doing quite well.  Having a three year old at my age is full of interesting twists and turns, and like you, education was something I never had time for during my marriage.

I would love to meet a strong non judgemental Christian, however, it's not priority.  Without even looking, I've been asked on a lot of dates that I find undesirable.  At this point in life, I'm not willing to sacrifice what I am working hard for, just to be in a relationship.

I applaud you also, for going back to school!!! I think it's when you aren't looking that you find the best things in life!  God is good, God knows our needs, and I'm too old to give myself over to less than what He intends.  You sound like you are on the right track.

If I ever should find myself considering a relationship, I think a few things are important:

1. He has to want to involve himself with my daughter, and care about my adult children.
2. He has to be a Christian.
3. He needs to not take himself or me too seriously and have a sense of humor.
4. Honesty is a requirement.
5. He has to be my friend, not a frenemie.......lol