unequally yoked marriages

[Deborah4God]

I've noticed that a lot of people seem to think that unequally yoked marriages, christians marrying non christians, are okay, and some people think it's sinful. I have to admit I'm surprised, I thought the standard position here was it's not something Christians ought to do. Now I'm very curious! So what do you think? Reasons?

My position- I'm married to an atheist, or agnostic, agnostic atheist maybe... but I don't think it was a relationship that I should have entered into and repented for it.

2 cor 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

[anx]

I'm not sure if it's sinful or not, but it's something I would advise anyone against and Paul advised against.

Marriage is hard already, but Christians are supposed to be bound by commands to love and treat other people to a high standard.

As a husband, showing christlike love is something that I think every man has to work hard to accomplish. Loving sacrificially is not something that just happens. It takes a determination and work. It guides your decisions when you otherwise might make a decision that doesn't show love or be cold to a spouse that hurt you. I am certainly not perfect nor are most christian husbands. However, I am trying hard and when I mess up I try harder next time.

I'm not saying that an atheist can't strive to be a good spouse or to value their marriage. I'm saying that Christians have clear instructions with a high standard.

[stevehut]

In June 1957, my Catholic mother married an atheist husband. I still don't understand how they ever got away with that. Dad never attended Mass in his life.

Before I ever knew a thing about the Bible, I figured out it was a mistake from the start.

[Deborah4God]

anx, I agree with that. There's a spiritual dimension there that is hard to replace.

[chosenone]

My first husband wasn't a believer. I married him at a time when I wasn't following Jesus, and my second husband is a strong believer and I can tell you that it makes a vast difference. After my divorce after 25 years of marriage, there was no way that I would ever have gone out with, or married, a non Christian, because by then I was a strong believer myself.

  To me the Bible is very clear that we are to marry believers. As well as the unequally yoked part, Paul also tells any young widows who remarry that it must be to a believer, and why would the advise to anyone else be any different? He also says what has light to do with darkness?
I have 3 close friends whose husbands aren't Christians(they all got converted after marriage), and its SO hard for them. They long to be able to share their faith with them, and of course it affects the children if they see one parent who believes and one that doesn't.

Also moral values are so low in the world today, and how many non believers would be willing to wait for marriage till they have sex? Those that I know who went out with non believers all ended up having a sexual relationship, even though they said they never would.

[Deborah4God]

chosenone, I think this makes sense. I was blessed to be raised in a family with mom and dad in accord, at least aiming to live the biblical standards for the family and so on. They  prayed together, read the bible together, discussed spiritual growth together, prayed before meals... It's an adjustment not to have that.

I told my (future) hubby that I was set on not having sex etc before marriage, and he agreed. He really did have good intentions but you know it's hard if one person isn't actually committed to that standard (or only committed as long as the other person is). I think people overestimate their own self control, at least some people including me!,when the emotions are there and the moment is there.

[chosenone]

you are right Deborah, my son and his wife said how hard it was for them to wait, and that was with both of them determined to do so. My second husband was very strict about this, which helped me a lot.

[DaveW]

I'm not sure if it's sinful or not, but it's something I would advise anyone against and Paul advised against.

Since sin is missing the mark of God's glory and will, how is it NOT sinful?

[canary12]

That's definitely a tough issue and I think a lot of great points have been raised already. However, I know many on this thread are already married to an unbeliever and probably wondering what to do now. And, I actually just heard a broadcast on this topic on Focus on the Family yesterday. It was called "Thriving in an Unequally Yoked Marriage" and featured two women faced with issue and how they've managed to grow their marriage despite their different beliefs. So, might be worth listening to at http://bit.ly/GNPMWS. Just a thought! Well, I'll be praying for the many on this thread in this situation-and also that your spouses will come to know the Lord. Blessings!

[Deborah4God]

Thanks for sharing canary! I'll be sure to check that out.

[IamStefanie]

I'm checking the webcast out now! Thanks for sharing

[p.progress]

I've noticed that a lot of people seem to think that unequally yoked marriages, christians marrying non christians, are okay, and some people think it's sinful. I have to admit I'm surprised, I thought the standard position here was it's not something Christians ought to do. Now I'm very curious! So what do you think? Reasons?

My position- I'm married to an atheist, or agnostic, agnostic atheist maybe... but I don't think it was a relationship that I should have entered into and repented for it.

2 cor 6:14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

Whether to marry or not to marry an unbeliever is not left for a woman (who professes godliness) to decide on her own about. There is very little thinking required - just enough to become knowledgeable of the will of God on that front; and then to either choose to do the will of God - or to reject it; that is, and deny God his jurisdiction over that area ("way") in *her life.
[*Being bought with a price and that you are not your own, when taken to heart will, easily lead you to see that one's life is no longer their own]

We do not have to 'think' or rather 'wonder' what we are to do or not do; we have the Opinion of God to settle the matter.

And as you have pointed out in Paul's statement to the saints at Corinth, there is the command: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness?"; in addition we are instructed to:
"..come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing"; then we are promised: "and I will receive you; and will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty"

There is another statement Paul made which another has cited, which speaks to widowed believers:
"The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord."

Not that you do, but for those who 'think' so: Any who assume God honors (respects and accepts) forbidden relationships - such as a believing woman attempting to legitimize yoking herself to an unbelieving man, via a civil contract (called certificate of marriage), is not thinking from the mind of God (scripturally).

It is one thing for a woman to be "given in marriage" to an unbeliever BEFORE she has become a believer; it is something altogether different to attempt to do so AFTER having entering into a covenant with God through Christ ...that is, AFTER having become a believer.

As I understand scriptural principles based upon the commands given to us from God.
Faith being required to both please and live for God cannot be true faith IF it is faith that believes a lie to be the truth. Meaning, if God forbids women...either virgins or widows, to marry outside the faith; then sincere unfeigned faith cannot be connected to, applied to, mixed with...one cannot exercise such faith in something contrary to the Word of God.

That is to say:
It is not possible for any woman to exercise (and live in) "faith unfeigned", if and when she violates God's clear command not to marry unbelievers. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God - hearing the truth that is found and to be followed in God's Word. If God forbids such unequally yoked relationships, and he does; then there is no way to live by faith (towards God) in such a relationship - with respect to the fact that it is a forbidden relationship.

Here the oft misquoted and misapplied passage from Malachi, that 'God hates divorce', is not a valid argument against severing such a relationship. The rebuke to those men who treacherously put away their wives (in an ungodly manner), is not applicable in these circumstances. God does not hate all putting away and divorces - just unlawful ones.

Ezra, officiated numerous 'divorces' all of which were NOT hated by God, but pleased God. Any 'marriage' between two men or two women constitute an unlawful relationship. Would any modern day Evangelical 'pastor' or minister warn or teach against divorces in such cases? By no means...not yet any why. A man or woman that 'marries' their sister or brother; aunt or uncle; niece or nephew; their father's (other) wife, and so on and so on...ALL would require even demand a severing of these kinds of relationships.

So, the woman that marries an unbeliever (again, AFTER the fact; after she has come to faith in Christ), is not only not 'obligated' to 'remain married' to the unbeliever; she is to sever and separate herself from such 'unions'.

....my opinion if you wish. Search for yourself 'what saith the scripture'.

p.progress

[chosenone]

Sorry p.p, but that women has made promises to that man and he is her husband whether believing or not. By her way or life and prayers that man can come to Know God for himself. While I agree that marrying a man who isnt a believer isnt what God wants, if it has already happened, then she is his wife and has no grounds for divorce.I do know several men who have come to know God through their believing wives.

[Deborah4God]

p.progress I want make sure I understand you correctly. Are you really suggesting that believers who married unbelievers not only are guilty of sin for that, but are now obligated to divorce?

If that's the case I strongly disagree. That's like saying because sex outside of marriage is sinful if two people engage in it and get pregnant, not only are they guilty of the one sin but she ought to get an abortion! You are saying that one sin requires another sin, in this case, divorce for insufficient grounds.

What does our Lord say about divorce?

Mar 10:4-9 They said, "Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away."And Jesus said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, 'God made them male and female.' 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."

These verses make it clear that the way divorce was done in the OT, before Christ, was because of the 'hardness of heart' and is now changed for Christians.  That Ezra had the Israelites divorce their foreign wives is irrelevant to whether or not Christians can or should get divorced. Israel was supposed to be a pure light to the nations to lead them to God and given the law to obey to accomplish this purpose. They failed in this purpose but Jesus fulfilled it. Just as we aren't to get circumcised or require that people follow dietary laws the rules regarding marriage and divorce are altered, there is a difference.

1Cr 7:13   If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.

No, not only is divorce not obligatory in this situation but isn't permissible either.

[canary12]

You're welcome-glad to help! :)

[NowFound]

Surely the earlier verses Paul wrote in 1 Cor 7 apply too..

12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.


I don't see anything in context about the salvation state of the spouses prior to or subsequent to the marriage.  (As in making a distinction of whether both were unsaved before marriage, but one has come to salvation afterwards)

And the next passage even mentions the possibility of the Christian spouse saving the unbeliever.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

I'm not saying one should get married by considering it a challenge to "save" the other....but it happens.  Surely that pleases God.

[Joanne55]

I believe that if a Christian is thinking of marrying a non-Christian there should at least be discussions before the event as to how beliefs will affect each other and just what the respective attitudes are. If the gap is too great, do not marry. If the gap is bridgeable and both are willing to meet each other along the way then why shouldn't they marry? Do you really think God would proscribe the hope that the non-Christian would be affected enough by the partner's faith and behaviour that they in turn come to Christ? This has obviously happened all over the world and it MUST have been a part of God's great plan for us. He rejoices every time a person comes to Him and gets to know Him. As for living apart from 'sinners', what on earth do you think Jesus did? He came FOR the unbelievers. He dwelt amongst the unbelievers. He had His disciples, many who did not believe in Him as the Messiah. Our task is actually to go out and be amongst those who do not believe, not stay safely within the confines of the Christian community. How on earth do you think the Word is spread? What do you think the saints did? Mother Teresa? I'll take Jesus' example over Paul's word any day, scriptural or not.

[+Lily+]

I believe that if a Christian is thinking of marrying a non-Christian there should at least be discussions before the event as to how beliefs will affect each other and just what the respective attitudes are. If the gap is too great, do not marry. If the gap is bridgeable and both are willing to meet each other along the way then why shouldn't they marry? Do you really think God would proscribe the hope that the non-Christian would be affected enough by the partner's faith and behaviour that they in turn come to Christ? This has obviously happened all over the world and it MUST have been a part of God's great plan for us. He rejoices every time a person comes to Him and gets to know Him. As for living apart from 'sinners', what on earth do you think Jesus did? He came FOR the unbelievers. He dwelt amongst the unbelievers. He had His disciples, many who did not believe in Him as the Messiah. Our task is actually to go out and be amongst those who do not believe, not stay safely within the confines of the Christian community. How on earth do you think the Word is spread? What do you think the saints did? Mother Teresa? I'll take Jesus' example over Paul's word any day, scriptural or not.

This post is old. You should have opened a new one maybe?

I can tell you a story about that verse because i feel like it is somehow following me everywhere.

It is not always easy. I heard a lot about it from our pastors when I was in the reformed Anglican church, before I met the lord. The elders never agreed or wanted us together. My husband also had serious issues with his family. His father was a pastor and opposed it for the same reason "unequally yoked." Yes, they believed it is a serious sin. Actually, I remember a lady at the church told me it is equal to adultery. I was upset and kept aruging about it everytime I meet them and they did not like that about me. But, I also felt like I should not make him sin. it was very diffiuclt becasue I was not sure, if I should be with him anymore. I was an atheist, but I was open-minded enough to go with him to his church and some house meetings. I wanted to know about his faith out of curiosity. I converted in 2009, but it was not quick, or easy for both of us. There was actually a huge gap between us. Now, I'm separated and I was told again that happened because we were "unequally yoked" and i was broken and sad because i always wanted to be mature in Christ. I get these thoguhts that God maybe was not happy about my marriage. But, I always try to think about these accusation as a part of the devil because I'm sure the lord wanted me to meet him and he also want to fix my marriage.

[hammer123]

I couldn't stand being married to a non christian.  It would drive me nuts!

[new creature]

The adjective "unequally" makes me think it´s not referring specifically to marriage, but rather a relation that is unequal in nature, like for example employer-employee.

[+Lily+]

The adjective "unequally" makes me think it´s not referring specifically to marriage, but rather a relation that is unequal in nature, like for example employer-employee.

I felt that way about that verse that it is not refering to marriage directly. But, I'm not sure because everyone says it is not that way.

Most pastors and Christians were so very strict about it.  Me and my husband struggled a lot with the elders, before I convert to Christianity. It was my fault. However, I'm very glad that I met the lord through my husband. I felt very loved by God and his people who actually care alot about me: something i never experienced when i was a child. I'm sure that God planned it for me, and I want to serve him for the rest of my life.

I'm a sinner and strive to be mature in Christ =)

[hammer123]

Yes, the bible clearly says it is not the best option to marry a non-believer.  What kind of influence would they have on your children?   Also, they don't view the world with the same viewpoint.

[new creature]

The adjective "unequally" makes me think it´s not referring specifically to marriage, but rather a relation that is unequal in nature, like for example employer-employee.

I felt that way about that verse that it is not refering to marriage directly. But, I'm not sure because everyone says it is not that way.

Well yeah, but I think most people just repeat what they´ve been told.
And it´s definitely a verse that´s very commonly used, and has become as it were the go-to-verse whenever this subject of interfaith relations and marriage surfaces.

Personally I feel the verse is often being taken out of context.

If you look into it that there are many different commentaries and views on the verse;
it is actually quite interesting.

Most pastors and Christians were so very strict about it.  Me and my husband struggled a lot with the elders, before I convert to Christianity. It was my fault. However, I'm very glad that I met the lord through my husband. I felt very loved by God and his people who actually care alot about me: something i never experienced when i was a child. I'm sure that God planned it for me, and I want to serve him for the rest of my life.

I'm a sinner and strive to be mature in Christ =)

That´s awesome. :)

May God bless you richly and may you bear much fruit to His glory!

[Janice]

There have been social psychology studies on relationships. People gravitate towards friendships with those who are like them, and that is how social groups are formed. Since friendship is the largest factor in marital satisfaction, it makes sense that people find someone who is like them, or "equal." Markers include but are not limited to things like similar upbringing, faith/religion, education type and level, age group (era), geographic location, outlook (optimism, forward-thinking, etc), etc.

The Bible says we "become one" with our spouse. That is not just physical/sexual. Over time, spouses take on each other's mannerisms, ways of thinking, beliefs, and even appearance to a degree (take a look at pictures of couples who have been together 40 years - they look like they could be brother and sister, for the most part). Anyway, since we become one, never marry someone you don't want to be just like. Not only that, but the more alike you are to start with, the further along you will be on the continuum of becoming one when you start out. Becoming one is easier when you have a similar starting point.

Imo, being equally yoked goes much further than just whether you belong to the same faith group.

[+Lily+]

There have been social psychology studies on relationships. People gravitate towards friendships with those who are like them, and that is how social groups are formed. Since friendship is the largest factor in marital satisfaction, it makes sense that people find someone who is like them, or "equal." Markers include but are not limited to things like similar upbringing, faith/religion, education type and level, age group (era), geographic location, outlook (optimism, forward-thinking, etc), etc.

The Bible says we "become one" with our spouse. That is not just physical/sexual. Over time, spouses take on each other's mannerisms, ways of thinking, beliefs, and even appearance to a degree (take a look at pictures of couples who have been together 40 years - they look like they could be brother and sister, for the most part). Anyway, since we become one, never marry someone you don't want to be just like. Not only that, but the more alike you are to start with, the further along you will be on the continuum of becoming one when you start out. Becoming one is easier when you have a similar starting point.

Imo, being equally yoked goes much further than just whether you belong to the same faith group.

My husband is similar to me in many ways. Both of us were medical students. Both of us were artists and that is how I actually became his best friend during college. He was a musician and I was a painter and we both learned from the other. Now he can paint a little and I learned Piano and a little about guitars. We loved travelling and exploring new places. We both loved animals so much and we both supported animal rights. Unfortunately, he could not be a vegetarian like me. I tried to make him that way but I failed lol. There are many other things! It is just that he was a Christian and I was not.  True, we had many disagreements about different things because we looked at the world differently.  But I believe this was a reason for why I met Jesus.