Discovery or masturbation

[saramomof1]

I am going out on a limb with this. I have viewed other posts and I see how some people get slammed or judged and labled as being a troll . I am really confused about this situation and I talked with a couple of people who have told me to just post it.

I have a 12 year old son,,, I caught him self pleasuring himself a few nights ago . I didn't actually catch him in the act but found his ejaculate in tissues which was on the coffee table. He was down in the den watching TV while I was cookling dinner and he must have fell asleep. When I came down to get him for dinner, I noticed the tissues on the table. I woke him up, and just walked upstairs. I didn't say anything to him as I don't know what to say. I needed to calm down because I was shocked. I was upset that he just left this in the open and I am having anxiety now because of this..

I am not sure if I am over reacting but it made me feel very uncomfortable . I am a single parent and I know it's my responsiblity to talk to him but it's not easy.

[RoninJedi]

Just tell him his "equipment" has a shelf life.   

In all seriousness - my son is only 10 months old, so I haven't really dealt with this (although he does get a death grip on it whenever it's time for a butt change) - but I have been a 12 year old boy.

According to my wife, sometimes I still am.   

First of all, you need to relax.  I think you already know that, but I can tell you if you don't relax and approach this the wrong way, your son will clam up.  And later when he does need to talk about something crucial, he will bottle it up because he'll feel like he can't bring it to you.  You and I both know that you love him and he can bring anything in the world to you, but that's not the way he will see it.

I'm going to assume you've had "The Talk".  If you haven't, now is a pretty good time.  There are plenty of good, Christian resources available for this time, and I encourage you to look into those a.s.a.p.

He needs to understand that he is experiencing a natural urge that God gave him.  BUT!!!!! that is an urge that is only to be fulfilled in marriage.  Again, assuming you have had The Talk, then explain to him a few things

1.)  The fact that masturbation is a sin.  This could branch off several different ways - God requires us to have discipline not to sin would probably be where I would go with it.
2.)  Explain to him that, as a young man, God designed his body with a built-in mechanism that gives him an advantage with defeating this urge...

Forgive me for telling you something you probably already know, but this is what I would explain to my son.  God built men so that, if there is too much semen built up in our system, it releases itself.  He doesn't have to help the process along!  Primarily, this happens through nocturnal emissions (wet dreams).  But also, the excess will overflow into our urine.  So God literally built us with the urge, but He also literally built us with a way to beat the urge that involves us just peeing or sleeping.

3.)  There is nothing wrong whatsoever with the urge.  But as a man of God (which is what you're training him to be), it is his responsibility to make sure he doesn't give into that urge.

*Do not make him feel that the urge itself is wrong, because it's not.  That's an urge God gave us all.  Making him feel it's wrong will lead to the clamming up I mentioned earlier, as well as potentially leading to a slew of other issues that will affect his sex life when he is grown and married.

And as a final bit of encouragement for you.  You said it's not easy.  Of course it isn't.  But nothing that's actually worth doing ever is.

You're a single parent, but are there any male role models in his life?  A grandpa, an uncle, lifelong (adult) family friend?  Basically is there a male in his life he respects that you would trust to help you address this?  If so, don't pawn it off on them.  The key is for them to help you, not do it for you.

I don't know if I helped as much as I wanted to, but I hope you found something in my words to hold on to.  Don't worry, though.  You're not the first mom to face this particular issue, and you definitely won't be the last.

[saramomof1]

I am hung up on the fact that I came across his ejaculate and also, my son only being 12, is it more about exploring his body or masturbating to lustful thoughts. I also don't know how much I am against masturbation and how it's truly a sin, again he is only 12.

[chosenone]

I wouldnt worry too much as long as he isnt watching porn. Many young men do this when they are going through puberty. Porn is another issue and needs to be nipped in the bud asap or it can become an addiction. Do you check what he is watching? Does he have an adult blocker on his computer?  Does he have a father around who could talk to him?

[RoninJedi]

I am hung up on the fact that I came across his ejaculate and also, my son only being 12, is it more about exploring his body or masturbating to lustful thoughts. I also don't know how much I am against masturbation and how it's truly a sin, again he is only 12.

That's understandable, and I won't debate that point with you.  I'll just agree to disagree.    

One thing I would encourage you to find out, however, is whether or not pornography is involved.  If it isn't, then I would agree the situation is more innocent.  If it is, then that needs to be stopped immediately. 

Obviously, I can't answer for certain whether its lustful thoughts or just exploring his body.  I can only speak from experience, and my experience was a decade-long pornography addiction that began without any visual stimuli, but with my own lustful thoughts.  Then channel surfing one night, I came across a show I shouldn't have, and it was about 12 years before I was finally able to walk away.

Just talk to him and find out what's what, and then go from there.

[DaveW]

Where is his dad in this?

If he is using tissues and leaving them around, I think he may have been doing this for a good while now.  It was either not an accident and he wanted you to find it; or he got absent minded because he has done it so much that he just did not think.

James Dobson once said that "about 95% of young men admit to masturbating.  The other 5% are known to lie..."

I actually do not agree with his 2nd sentence about lying. Sexual desire is driven almost entirely by hormones. Yes, sexual experiences including porn or seeing something live or dirty talk can increase that somewhat, but it more steers it than motivates it. Guys who view a lot of porn do not M that much more than those who do not; they just become addicted to the images to give them the release.

I bet if you surveyed all the guys on this board (and they were honest) only 4-5% did not masturbate regularly during their teens and early 20s. Those are the guys with a 2-sigma (bell curve) low testosterone level.  That is not good as it can delay normal development. 

By the same token there is the 5% at the other end (2 sigma high T) that would be in absolute agony without a LOT of releases.

So if you really do not want your boy to masturbate, put him on blood pressure medicine or an antidepressant that will lower his testosterone levels.  But do not expect him to physically grow up at the normal pace.

My advice is to first pray a LOT about this issue. Read for yourself James Dobson's Growing to adolescence. He covers this issue quite well (especially since he originally wrote it in the 1970s). Then talk to the boy.  Discuss your "find." Ask him about his "needs." Remember he is a young believer and not mature enough yet to handle a lot of stress.

As to whether it is inherently sinful or not has been debated for decades.  The bible to my knowledge only mentions it once in Song of Solomon chapter 5, and it is Shulamite who is doing the deed and she is called "undefiled." You all need to talk and pray together and if you all decide he is to NOT masturbate you need to come up with another way to relieve that stress. (remember it is primarily hormones and not just dirty pics or thoughts)

My opinion is that it is NOT sinful if done without lust thoughts (concentrating on the sensations instead of a fantasy or porn) 

But either way; masturbate or not; he must realize that it is a temporary situation and when he gets married sex will be a wonderful shared experience with his wife. (of course to a 12 year old that marriage is literally a lifetime away - another 12 years at least)  Remember how long a year was back when you were that age.

As has been said already - make sure there is no porn involved. It is definitely addictive and sinful.  If not dealt with at this age it will invade his future marriage.

[BF]

I agree with Dave.  I would not tell him it is sinful, unless he is using mental images.  I taught my boys that using mental images is disrespectful to that person, but did not teach them the act was sinful if only physical release.  Although it shouldn't be focused on or become a habit, I think it would be cruel to tell them it's a sin.  Puberty is stressful enough.  Dobson is good to read before having "The Talk".

[Lively Stone]

It is sinful no matter what. No one needs a physical release enough to do that. This is what we must teach our children about being holy.

[hammer123]

I'd be more freaked out if he didn't have sexual desires.  Sexual desire is a normal response to puberty that every male goes through.  It is extremely hard not to masturbate.  Of course he is thinking about girls while he masturbates, what else would he think about?  Come on people!

If you can't stop yourself from masturbating what else in the future will you be unable to control?  This is the time to talk about marriage and sex.  God put a sexual drive in your son, so that he will seek a wife.  I think people marry way too late in our society as a whole.  18 should be a good age to marry.   If they want to go to college the parents can still help with the cost of college the same as if they were single

He has raging hormones and wants sex.   That is normal.  He needs to grow up in all his ways, so that he can attractive a spouse.

[BF]

It is sinful no matter what. No one needs a physical release enough to do that. This is what we must teach our children about being holy.

What are your qualifications for knowing what other people need?  Judgement, condemnation, self righteousness is so abundant on this forum.  Excuse me for speaking my mind.  It's just disheartening to see people come for real answers to real problems and hear ivory tower dwellers spout legalism.

[Lively Stone]

It is sinful no matter what. No one needs a physical release enough to do that. This is what we must teach our children about being holy.

What are your qualifications for knowing what other people need?  Judgement, condemnation, self righteousness is so abundant on this forum.  Excuse me for speaking my mind.  It's just disheartening to see people come for real answers to real problems and hear ivory tower dwellers spout legalism.

My qualifications are good common sense directed by the Lord. Sex is not the need the world makes it out to be. Teenagers can be taught to respect their bodies and give honour to God. The real answer is never a pat on the head, but the truth---and generally the truth is disdained by those who don't want to hear it.

[chosenone]

I'd be more freaked out if he didn't have sexual desires.  Sexual desire is a normal response to puberty that every male goes through.  It is extremely hard not to masturbate.  Of course he is thinking about girls while he masturbates, what else would he think about?  Come on people!

If you can't stop yourself from masturbating what else in the future will you be unable to control?  This is the time to talk about marriage and sex.  God put a sexual drive in your son, so that he will seek a wife.  I think people marry way too late in our society as a whole.  18 should be a good age to marry.   If they want to go to college the parents can still help with the cost of college the same as if they were single

He has raging hormones and wants sex.   That is normal.  He needs to grow up in all his ways, so that he can attractive a spouse.

So you think its ok for him to lust after women while he masturbates? Or maybe watch an R rated movie? Or porn?

Must admit I have never met an 18 year old guy yet who was anywhere near mature enough for marriage.

[Lively Stone]

The way the world describes pubescent teens as having "raging hormones" is a lie that is pervaded that gives an excuse for sin. Hormones do not rage. They are introduced into the blood by the appropriate organs at the exact right time of life. We are to already be teaching our children about how to live holy.

[hammer123]

It is sinful no matter what. No one needs a physical release enough to do that. This is what we must teach our children about being holy.

What are your qualifications for knowing what other people need?  Judgement, condemnation, self righteousness is so abundant on this forum.  Excuse me for speaking my mind.  It's just disheartening to see people come for real answers to real problems and hear ivory tower dwellers spout legalism.

BF-What are your qualifications for not being aware of what others need?  What are your qualifications for denying the truths of the bible?

[DaveW]

The OP has not logged back in since her last post in this thread.

This is beginning to sound a bit troll-like to me.

[hammer123]

The way the world describes pubescent teens as having "raging hormones" is a lie that is pervaded that gives an excuse for sin. Hormones do not rage. They are introduced into the blood by the appropriate organs at the exact right time of life. We are to already be teaching our children about how to live holy.

I was once a teenage male and my hormones/sexual desires were very very high.

[Damian Newman]

The way the world describes pubescent teens as having "raging hormones" is a lie that is pervaded that gives an excuse for sin. Hormones do not rage. They are introduced into the blood by the appropriate organs at the exact right time of life. We are to already be teaching our children about how to live holy.

I was once a teenage male and my hormones/sexual desires were very very high.

Teenage male here: There is no excuse.

[Swiss_Guard]

The way the world describes pubescent teens as having "raging hormones" is a lie that is pervaded that gives an excuse for sin. Hormones do not rage. They are introduced into the blood by the appropriate organs at the exact right time of life. We are to already be teaching our children about how to live holy.

Hmm, I don't know if you're right there, lively. While I agree that society as vastly over-emphasized the "raging-hormones" phenomenon, there is no denying that adolescents have shall we say a higher propensity for that sort of sin? Part of it undoubtedly stems from the fact that the young person has probably never had to deal with intense sexual desire before, and is therefore initially unsure how to combat it, though other aspects are definitely down to biology. The transition from child to adult in either gender means the growth and development of certain anatomical bits that are necessarily associated with hormones.

At any rate, this possibly-erroneous troll thread does serve to remind Christian parents to guide their child with a firm hand during this crucial period of the young person's formation---the part of their life that separates the men from the boys, in both a literal and spiritual sense.

[Cally]

It is sinful no matter what. No one needs a physical release enough to do that. This is what we must teach our children about being holy.

What are your qualifications for knowing what other people need?  Judgement, condemnation, self righteousness is so abundant on this forum.  Excuse me for speaking my mind.  It's just disheartening to see people come for real answers to real problems and hear ivory tower dwellers spout legalism.

My qualifications are good common sense directed by the Lord. Sex is not the need the world makes it out to be. Teenagers can be taught to respect their bodies and give honour to God. The real answer is never a pat on the head, but the truth---and generally the truth is disdained by those who don't want to hear it.

Yes, I also think that teenagers can be taught to honor their own bodies. I think virtually no one knows how to teach it, however--at least, not with young men. It's part of a larger self-respect issue and for the most part, people want young men to feel like respect is only earned, and at that only after they put out in some fashion. Sadly, this issue itself is another great case-in-point.

[7thheaven]

masterbation is not a sin I beleave and tought unless you are thinking of others while doing it or pleasing yourself while watching porn or something of the sort, everyone has urges and if you releave them in the right way then there should not be an issue and you are private about it.

[Learningman]

I am going out on a limb with this. I have viewed other posts and I see how some people get slammed or judged and labled as being a troll . I am really confused about this situation and I talked with a couple of people who have told me to just post it.

I have a 12 year old son,,, I caught him self pleasuring himself a few nights ago . I didn't actually catch him in the act but found his ejaculate in tissues which was on the coffee table. He was down in the den watching TV while I was cookling dinner and he must have fell asleep. When I came down to get him for dinner, I noticed the tissues on the table. I woke him up, and just walked upstairs. I didn't say anything to him as I don't know what to say. I needed to calm down because I was shocked. I was upset that he just left this in the open and I am having anxiety now because of this..

I am not sure if I am over reacting but it made me feel very uncomfortable . I am a single parent and I know it's my responsiblity to talk to him but it's not easy.

As his parent, it is your job to teach him that pleasuring himself is alright as long as he knows "everything in moderation" 

[Learningman]

masterbation is not a sin I beleave and tought unless you are thinking of others while doing it or pleasing yourself while watching porn or something of the sort, everyone has urges and if you releave them in the right way then there should not be an issue and you are private about it.

[Reverend M]

I am going out on a limb with this. I have viewed other posts and I see how some people get slammed or judged and labled as being a troll . I am really confused about this situation and I talked with a couple of people who have told me to just post it.

I have a 12 year old son,,, I caught him self pleasuring himself a few nights ago . I didn't actually catch him in the act but found his ejaculate in tissues which was on the coffee table. He was down in the den watching TV while I was cookling dinner and he must have fell asleep. When I came down to get him for dinner, I noticed the tissues on the table. I woke him up, and just walked upstairs. I didn't say anything to him as I don't know what to say. I needed to calm down because I was shocked. I was upset that he just left this in the open and I am having anxiety now because of this..

I am not sure if I am over reacting but it made me feel very uncomfortable . I am a single parent and I know it's my responsiblity to talk to him but it's not easy.

You did the right thing, let it pass.

[DaveW]

Hey Rev - I think Sarah was a troll.  Or at least a drive by poster.  She has not been back.

[Reverend M]

Hey Rev - I think Sarah was a troll.  Or at least a drive by poster.  She has not been back.

Yeah, but someone else might be curious about this.

[DaveW]

Hey Rev - I think Sarah was a troll.  Or at least a drive by poster.  She has not been back.

Yeah, but someone else might be curious about this.

That is true. 

So I think it begs the question: What do (or did) you teach your kids on this "touchy" topic? And how early do you start?

I remember reading a book back in the '80s (don't remember the title or author) which said that how well a young person manages their sex drive between puberty and marriage is one of the most important spiritual tasks they have.

How well are we equipping them for this challenge?

[Catholica]

We have been equipping our children since they started learning about their bodies.  We teach them from an early age that their bodies are a precious gift from God, and because they are a precious gift, then we need to treat them as such.  That is why we wear modest clothes, for example.  And God created each part of our body for a special purpose as well, and they are to be used for that purpose.

We will continue to adapt this teaching as the need arises.  Because we agree with Lively Stone, that masturbation is always a sin.  And I believe that Dr. Dobson is 100% wrong to teach otherwise, and I have heard him teach otherwise.  Yes, there is some guilt involved for those who are told that what they are doing is a sin, and yes, it is a "relief" for them to be told it isn't a sin.  But every sinner wants some out to justify his sin.  It is best to not numb the conscience for the sake of making someone feel better.  Sin is sin whether someone believes it or not, and masturbation is not God's plan for our sexual faculties.

A child, once he/she is of the age where this becomes likely, should be practicing self-control, and the easiest way to do this is through fasting or abstinence along with prayer.  This helps him or her grow in virtue and that spills over into all parts of their lives.  We either make passions our slaves through virtue and grace from God or we become slaves to our passions.

[Reverend M]

Hey Rev - I think Sarah was a troll.  Or at least a drive by poster.  She has not been back.

Yeah, but someone else might be curious about this.

That is true. 

So I think it begs the question: What do (or did) you teach your kids on this "touchy" topic? And how early do you start?

I remember reading a book back in the '80s (don't remember the title or author) which said that how well a young person manages their sex drive between puberty and marriage is one of the most important spiritual tasks they have.

How well are we equipping them for this challenge?

Let me put it this way:

I don't put a whole lot of psychic energy into worrying about things the Bible says next to nothing about. That goes for rock music, guitars in church, and childen doing what children do, unless they do it with each other, that changes the equation. If the bible alone types can show me some justification for thinking otherwise, then I'll repent of my opinion, and I didn't know Jim Dobson thought the same way. Good for him.