Please help

[deenchel]

My husband and I have been married for eleven years and have two wonderful children.  The past two years have been quite terrible for your marriage.  I do believe he loves me, but he has a serious problem with honesty.  He chooses to text other women behind my back.  When I find out, he says he is just being friendly and offering advice.  He's been caught four times while one resulted in him being let go from his job of 14 years because the woman said he was sexually harassing her.  Just this week, I found email messages from a private account between him and another woman that he confessed has been going on for three months.  This relationship started soon after I agreed to forgive and work on our marriage after he lost his job.  When I found the latest, I literally fell to the floor because I have been hurt so much.  I had a feeling that something was wrong because he barely touches me or compliments anything about me unless he's prompted.  To be clear, he has denied any physical contact with any of them, but does admit to imagining himself with them.  Members, I'm so tired that I can barely breathe.  I've been through this so many times that I'm losing faith in my marriage.  I love my husband with all my heart, but I'm at the end of my rope.  He's agreed to counseling because he believes this is something he can't stop on his own.  His words exactly are, "  I hate to see you cry and continuously hurt you, but I don't know how to stop.  I love you but I cant do this without help."  Am I crazy to still stand by my husband?  What is the Lord trying to tell me?

[chosenone]

Hi and welcome here

I can understand totally that you are so hurt and feel very betrayed. Does he know how desperate you are, and how close the marriage is to ending? Some wont actually stop what they do unless they think they will loose their family. Does he say things of a sexual nature with these women?

The fact that he has agreed to get help is very positive. Does he mean counselling for his sexual issues, or marriage counselling? Both may be helpful.
Also it may help for him to find a godly man in the church who he can go to for accountability and prayer. The fact that he got the sack for sexual harassment is pretty serious, and he was very fortunate to find another job.

On a practical note, he needs to allow you full access at all times to his phone and the passwords as well, and also to his internet accounts. Maybe suggest that he leaves his phone and computer in the main living area of your home. and use it there, so that he cannot go off and secretly text or speak to other women. This may help for the time being until you can get more help sorted out.

I am sure you know that he is playing with fire, but he has to made that decision to stop himself, you can force him, but you can make it clear that if it doesn't stop you would need to ask him to leave. Then he will need to choose, the family or the other women.

[TJW]

Am I crazy to still stand by my husband?

No.  It is not crazy to try to have a successful marriage and to please God by exhausting all resources in the attempt to do so.  This is obedient and true to our Saviour.

What is the Lord trying to tell me?

In my opinion, the Lord is NOT trying to tell you what you should do.  Our Lord rarely works in that way.

Brother Stanley made the statement that "95% of everything God has ever said, or is ever going to say to man, is in the Bible".

What God IS trying to tell you is this:  that He will be THERE for you, no matter what you decide.  That He will "never leave you nor forsake you".   If you decide to stand by your husband one more time, ten more times, or a thousand more times, God will be THERE and will give you the strength you need.

If you decide to kick him to the curb and never waste your life on him again, God will be THERE and will give you the strength you need.

God gave you a brain.  Please feel completely free (yes, FREE) to use it and make the best decision for yourself and your children, having absolutely no fear of losing God, your salvation, or of even "displeasing" God.  God knows there is a LIMIT to what we can do here.

The out-of-context "God never gives us more than we can handle" is a gross misapplication when used to say that we can handle all hurts, disappointments, and mistreatments of others. 

It is said in the context of TEMPTATION and that we are provided a "way of escape" that we ultimately never have to choose sin.

I cant do this without help.

This is a very positive statement.  It is the first "step" of 12-step addiction recovery programs.  To recognize that we are not strong enough, in ourselves, to overcome.

[deenchel]

Thank you both for your words of encouragement.  I love my husband and the family we have together.  I just want peace of mind that it's going to finally stop.  I look at him and I see a scared person just wanting it to end too, but when he repeats these terrible actions, I want to smack him and move on.  I can only hold on to the fact that we once had a committed relationship with God as our head.  In regards to him making sexual remarks, it goes as far as complimenting them and that's it.  He told the last woman that he loved her!  Yes.  His response to that was it's not what he means when he says it to me.  He means it as a friendly gesture??  The last one included compliments, poetry, intentions to meet, and sharing of our marital problems.  He swears that he never talked to her, but just send email messages.  When I question anything about these relationships, he is very forthcoming and almost shocked that I would think he could actually "love" these women.  He sees it as a break from reality.  That's it.  To him I don't think it's real.  Strange I know but I live i daily. 

[recovering sinner]

TJW is exactly right. The fact that he's recognizing he cannot do this on his own power is the first small step in the right direction. This is not to say the insanity is entirely over yet. He knows he's doing wrong though and he knows he's out of control. I assure you the desperation he's feeling right now rivals your own. I would recommend a 12 step program for BOTH of you. Just google "Christian 12 steps", and you'll find a pile of them. It's worth the effort, I feel for you both. My wife and I have been there.

[TJW]

To him I don't think it's real.

You may be quite right.  This can be, to some people, a "role play" which is not "real" but a kind of "game" or fantasy.

If this is true, then you are fortunate.  Because if it is, when your husband gets hold of the destructiveness of what he's doing, he will likely seek out the help he needs to stop and stop forever.

I just want peace of mind that it's going to finally stop.

Yes, amen.  That's where the teaching of the church is so deficient regarding divorce.  People need to know that this last-alternative is available if their partner is incorrigible and the hurtful marital condition is intractable..... and that this is consistent with the teaching of the Lord.

It's so unfortunate that the church regards itself as a football team who is seeking "stats" rather than a health-care provider who is seeking the health and happiness of those who seek them out.

[DaveW]

That's where the teaching of the church is so deficient regarding divorce.

Because the church has had a thousand years of cultural acclimation where divorce was either not available or pretty much unsurvivable so it never happened.  So there was no need to develop or maintain tools for making a marriage work. If it was bad you just stayed in it anyway.

Now they "Just say no" to so many problems and it is not working.

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ETA:

As an example: When my mother was about 8, her parents got divorced (1930s) and her mom (my grandmother) remarried 3 or 4 years later. A week after the wedding mom's new stepdad showed up in my moms bedroom to have his way with her. They lived with the new bride's mother (my great grandmother) and when mom told her grandmother about what happened, she was told to NEVER say anything about it to anyone as they all needed this well employed man to provide for everyone. So the abuse continued.  When the next girl got old enough, she put locks on the bedroom door and he tried to break it down with an axe.  (I saw the blade marks when I was young and always wondered about them)

No one would stand for that now but back then it was considered secondary to being provided for.