Feeling judged and discarded

[itsajourney]

I'll try to condense this.  I meet a man on-line..we'll call him CD.  We were together 9 months.  He broke it off with me in a cowardly way, beginning with text and the a brief phone conversation,  saying he had to be with an Evangelic Christian.  He said he kept hoping that I was really a Christian but he never saw it.

Now the back story.  I was raised Catholic but slowly drifted away mainly because I didn't find that as a denomination they reflected God ( I am mainly referring to the business orientation and money/greed I was seeing).  Anyway, although I stepped away from "religion" I never stepped away from God although the relationship has been tested.  Like most of us I have had doubts and questions but I always tried to offer it up and at the same time search for clarity although I am guilty of not going to the most obvious of spots, the Bible.   I considered myself a Christian albeit not the strongest Christian (i.e., a bit lazy).  I prayed all the time and truly believe in serving others.     After a wearing marriage (ex was bipolar and there was lying, cheating, financial damage, and lost dreams) and then a failed relationship, I hit bottom.  I suffered from depression, anxiety...was a mess.  So I turned it all over to God.    As I recovered I asked for his guidance in finding a partner as obviously I was screwing things up.   When I felt ready, I started on-line dating again.  The first profile I came across was CD's.  Because of distance I ignored it and moved on....but it kept popping up.  Finally I gave it a read and really liked what he had to say but still just tucked it away.  Then one day after it popped up again it was like "ohhhhhhh"...so this is who God wants me to meet.  So then it began.  We connected instantly.  On our 2nd date he came to my house for cake (he is a baker and a foodie so I made him a coconut cake).  While there my cat jumped up in the chair he was sitting in and let him pet him.  The big deal?   That cat is scared of everyone except me.  Even my dad who visits often can't get close to him.  For me it was a sign from God....and from that point I was all in.   He told me he was a Christian on the first date and then on the third date asked me a lot of questions because he was concerned that I wasn't really a Christian.  So I answered with the good and ugly (I believed in the trinity, Christ was my Savior and I had asked God to forgive my sins and accepted the Holy Spirit.  I also expressed every question, concern, doubt that I think many folks encounter in the secular world we live in).   So as the relationship continued we would occasionally have conversations.  He was concerned that I hadn't forgiven my ex-husband.  Trust me I had been working on it...praying about it constantly but I just wasn't there yet and I certainly wasn't going to lie about it.  Anyway, as things progressed we were intimate.  He expressed a small amount of guilt but on occasions when I made it easy to put on the brakes and tried to deflect things he never hesitated.  Both guilty here so I am not putting it all on him but it certainly explains my confusion.   Things were fine until his family came to visit.  He sister is an Evangelic Christian who is married to a man of the same faith.  Anyway, the day after they left is when he broke up.   So now I am feeling wrongly judged and thrown away.  He never specified in his on-line profile "evangelic christian" or specified behaviors he expected.  He commented that he never saw me read the bible or pray.   In all our time together I saw him read the bible twice.  He does not belong to a community of faith and I never heard him pray.  This is what I don't understand.   I explained early on that my relationship with God had been private (old catholic habits) but that doesn't mean it shouldn't or cant be shared.  Just hadn't done it one-on-one with someone.  Why couldn't he invite me to pray or read the bible?  Now I was the first to admit I hadn't spent a great deal of time with the Bible in recent years but when he challenged me on it I actually started to do just that....I read devotionals, on-line bible studies, apologetics, tried a couple bible studies in person (my work schedule makes that tough), spoke to a minister friend of mine all the time when I had questions.  Still looking for a community but  there are plenty within a 60 mile radius that I should find a fit. I was rather enjoying myself and definitely felt the strengthening of my relationship with God. It was truly rewarding.   So I am the bad Christian, however we both fell to temptation, sinned against God (and he has in past relationships)...grrrrrrr.   I don't doubt God in this case.  I feel like someone is trying to put the burden of his faith on someone else, whether it's blaming me for his laziness in faith or needing a string evangelic Christian to carry him.  God put me in the right place with the right person. Now he could certainly be giving us a hard lesson on temptation and sin but I almost feel some evil at work.  I have the underlying feeling that his sister pulled the strings, that God told her I was bad....sorry, don't think she is a prophet.  Anyway. this has been very tough. I have leaned on God, prayed for CD and his family, asked for strength.  I have tried to remain hopeful (much more substance to the relationship then what I have written) that a relationship can be renewed down the line but also trying to get in my think head that God is driving the boat on this and it will be his will.  I know it is all good but one of my biggest failings is patience. 

[chosenone]

HI and welcome

MY immediate thought on reading this, is why is this man who thinks himself so spiritual and strong in his faith, is, firstly, sleeping with different women despite Gods clear instructions not to, secondly, judging you for things that God and you are working on, and thirdly, allowing his sister to make his decision for him and influencing him so much. These are all red flags to me.
To me this man isn't a very godly man, he isn't living out his faith, and he is judging you while he himself is sinning and disobeying God.

I think you are well rid of him to be honest..

My advise to you is to find a good local friendly church(Not RC), concentrate on your relationship with God and with the other believers there, and wait a  while before seeking another man, make sure the next man accepts you as you are and has high moral values and lots of integrity. Never settle for second best.