Sharing Skeletons

[Just_Peachy]

Hi Everyone. For the record, I appreciate your advice in advance, but my ultimate decision regarding the matter will be defaulted to and directed by the Holy Spirit.

When I was 20, I contracted genital herpes from my boyfriend during a brief oral encounter. He was much older and experienced than me, and I did not know how to set boundaries with men or how to use God's direction and His Word to renew my mind to abstain from sin and avoid precarious situations. It's been a long time (14 years) since that relationship. Now I'm in an interesting predicament and would like other perspectives on the situation.

Eventually, I'd like to get married and have kids. Due to a career change and educational pursuits, I have not put much effort into trying to get to know men or date. Since I kept messing up with men in my 20's, avoidance seemed like a good strategy at the time. It also provided time for me to let Jesus be my husband and learn to forgive myself for not knowing. I also had to forgive my parents and other people who could have influenced me otherwise. The time of forgiveness and acceptance has been rewarding and has helped develop my character in ways far beyond what I ever imagined possible.

About a year ago, a good friend of mine gave me a book about sexual purity written by a young man she knew. I have read most of it except the last chapter because chapter before it made me feel so badly about my past. The chapter firmly warned single Christians to practice sexual purity and abstain because if you don't, you're tainted forever.  I'm probably exaggerating, but I only remember one or two sentences of mercy directed toward people who may not have had such a pristine past.

Anyway, about 2 months ago, my friend decided she would introduce us to one another. Since the young man and me live in different states, we've only had contact via phone for about 1 month, but since we're so busy we average about two 1-hour conversations each week. This is where I'd like other perspectives, when is the best time to tell someone you were previously diagnosed with genital herpes? I've never had to do this before, but I have researched different ways to do so on the internet. I also plan to remain abstinent until marriage - particularly since I know how to now.

Based on his book though, it seems he only wants to marry a virgin. Well, that's fine, but I'm not one, yet I have soooooooooo much more to offer my future husband - regardless of whether he is the one or if God has someone else for me. Considering the infrequency of our encounters and since we speak on the phone long-distance, I feel there are major limitations to helping this young man get to know me better so when I do tell him, he actually considers my heart  vs. a prior diagnosis. 

Then, there's one more concern...ironically, I found out this young man previously tried to establish a relationship with another young woman who also had herpes. Since he's talking to me now, it seems she didn't meet his standard so he moved on. Honestly though, I care about him enough to not want to waste his time, and I don't want to waste mine either.

It's unfortunate that herpes has gotten such a bad wrap by media. It's really not that serious and so many people have it - just look at all the cold sores out there!!!    (I'm sure many of you reading this post have it too. There's no need to be ashamed. Message me for tips and strategies for treatment if you'd like.) I also believe God has healed me because I'm standing on His Word and my Bible says, "He was wounded of for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes, we are healed."

So...that's the gist of it. Please let me know what you think. 

[k-pappy]

Tell him right now.  Before you invest any more emotions into the relationship, let him know about your past what happened and gauge his reaction. 

Please understand, his reaction may bring you pain, but if you wait, then the pain will only be worse.

Just my two cents...probably worth less.

[chosenone]

Yes I agree. Tell him now. its fair enough if he wants to marry a virgin, and that's his choice. That's doesnt mean that you haven't been forgiven or that there isnt a good Christian guy out there for you. I read a while back about a pastor who married an ex prostitute, so there is hope for all.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

A young man... writing books on purity... why does this raise a red flag to me?

Based on absolutely nothing more than intuition, I say run away in the other direction!

[DaveW]

A young man... writing books on purity... why does this raise a red flag to me?

Based on absolutely nothing more than intuition, I say run away in the other direction!

I have to second this.  But based on what you said about his being judgmental in his writing, I would not deem him a good anything - friend, boyfriend and definitely not husband material.


Run.  NOW.

[Just_Peachy]

Thanks for your comments everyone! I really appreciate your input. 

The young man is a minister and has preached about the importance of sexual purity based on God's word. He really isn't a "nut case," but I'm not sure how many personal issues he's had to deal with. This is all speculation, but I feel like his life has been free and clear of a lot of issues that typically help people grow in their walk with Christ and become more dependent on God. That's not to say he doesn't have a good relationship with God, but if you've ever been through any health challenges or supported a loved one through anything, I think your perspective about life is more realistic. I believe his perspective is more idealistic, but I could be wrong.

I'm going to inform him soon (this month). As I mentioned previously, we don't' talk very much anyway so I'm praying for guidance about when to discuss the matter.

[MyFathersGirl]

I'd be careful about telling him.  I have some "skeletons" myself and have decided not to tell a perspective mate until things become really serious (ie talking marriage) because I don't want every casual boyfriend knowing my issues.  I have shared some of them on here but that is different.  There are only three people on here who know my real name so it's fairly anonymous.  Also don't sell yourself short.  You said that you contracted genital herpes through an oral encounter.  If that is all you have done and there has never been any penetration then you are still a virgin.

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

At the risk of upsetting the apple cart...  I don't believe herpes can be transmitted orally.  The oral form (cold sores) is actually a different virus than the one downstairs.

Jarrod

[Rella]

At the risk of upsetting the apple cart...  I don't believe herpes can be transmitted orally.  The oral form (cold sores) is actually a different virus than the one downstairs.

Jarrod

This is very true, but is my understanding that if someone has an outbreak
of the Herpes that has been described then contact of private part against private part is all it takes.... much like kissing someone with a cold sore and then getting one....

If OP is still a virgin, then she needs to let this man know before saying that
she contracted herpes....

[texas101]

Until you have gotten to know him better and how much you can trust him tell him you have a past but don't go into the details.  This will allow either of you to bow out before either of you have made a significant emotional investment.  If you tell him everything before you know to what extent he can be trusted you can avoid the launch of the rumor machine.