Sexless Marriage - when is it over?

[countrydirt]

We have been married for 25 years.  I don't think we have had sex in the past 5 years.  All she has ever said is she hopes she can lose some weight and maybe get her drive back.  I'm at my wits end.  She refuses to come to bed at anytime I seem to be awake.  She mentioned counseling a year ago and I jumped at the idea, but when it came time to actually go, she (and I) found excuses to be busy. 

I am so sick of just being a roommate.  That's not what this is about is it?

I would welcome any advice, prayers, kick in the pants, whatever.

[chosenone]

I would get that counselling appointment and make 100% sure that you both go this time. Also why not both go together to exercise, make it a date time when you can chat together. Go for brisk walks, swim, whatever you both enjoy. If you like dogs,  how about adopting one?  They are great for getting you to exercise.  Also eat healthily and properly, encourage each other in this. Shop together for healthy food, and dont have takeaways or fast foods ever.
Her health must be suffering a lot as well. Does she get regular checks at the doctors? Blood pressure?  Blood glucose levels? Cholesterol? 
She is clearly unhappy with her body, and yes she is very wrong to withhold sex, the Bible  is very clear on that.
Have you actually spoken to her about this and said how unhappy you are? WE can have sex for our spouses sake even if we dont 'feel''like it and think we have no drive at the time.   

[countrydirt]

We exercise together daily because we are both motivated to have her live longer.  She is pre-diabetic.  We try to eat healthier.  We enjoy out other time together.  Her last checkup had her showing normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels.  She is fully aware about her body issues and how they affect me, but I'm not sure she knows how miserable it makes me to be totally rejected in that role as her husband.  I will talk to her about it.

[chosenone]

We exercise together daily because we are both motivated to have her live longer.  She is pre-diabetic.  We try to eat healthier.  We enjoy out other time together.  Her last checkup had her showing normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels.  She is fully aware about her body issues and how they affect me, but I'm not sure she knows how miserable it makes me to be totally rejected in that role as her husband.  I will talk to her about it.

If she is exercising and eating healthily, why do you think she has put on such a large amount of weight?

Some advise, cut out all sugar. If she does this she will loose weight. So no sweets/candy, cookies, cakes, puddings ice cream, ready meals, takeaways, jams marmalade, sugary cereals, fizzy drinks, chocolate, etc etc.

I think you do need to tell her from the heart how you feel about this. It damages the marriage when there is no sex. Sex bonds the couple,  and enables the man to be in touch with his emotions. A men feels rejected as a person when his wife rejects him even once, let alone for years. Paul says that we must not deprive the other because it creates a situation when the rejected one can get tempted to stray. 

[littleoldme]

We have been married for 25 years.  I don't think we have had sex in the past 5 years.  All she has ever said is she hopes she can lose some weight and maybe get her drive back.  I'm at my wits end.  She refuses to come to bed at anytime I seem to be awake.  She mentioned counseling a year ago and I jumped at the idea, but when it came time to actually go, she (and I) found excuses to be busy. 

I am so sick of just being a roommate.  That's not what this is about is it?

I would welcome any advice, prayers, kick in the pants, whatever.

Ask her to go for a physical if she hasn't had one.

[littleoldme]

We exercise together daily because we are both motivated to have her live longer.  She is pre-diabetic.  We try to eat healthier.  We enjoy out other time together.  Her last checkup had her showing normal blood pressure and cholesterol levels.  She is fully aware about her body issues and how they affect me, but I'm not sure she knows how miserable it makes me to be totally rejected in that role as her husband.  I will talk to her about it.

If she is exercising and eating healthily, why do you think she has put on such a large amount of weight?

Some advise, cut out all sugar. If she does this she will loose weight. So no sweets/candy, cookies, cakes, puddings ice cream, ready meals, takeaways, jams marmalade, sugary cereals, fizzy drinks, chocolate, etc etc.

I think you do need to tell her from the heart how you feel about this. It damages the marriage when there is no sex. Sex bonds the couple,  and enables the man to be in touch with his emotions. A men feels rejected as a person when his wife rejects him even once, let alone for years. Paul says that we must not deprive the other because it creates a situation when the rejected one can get tempted to stray.

Good post, I should have read this one first.

[countrydirt]

She put on the weight when expecting our oldest son 23 years ago.  She maintained that weight for most of the past 20 years but then got much heavier 2 years ago when she lost a job and sat on the couch for a year. 
Sadly, because of her size, I really don't find her to be attractive.  I see glimpses of the girl I fell in love with and the woman who I grew to love and she is trying, but it tough. 
To be fair, I was an active alcoholic for probably 15 of the past 25 years, but have been sober for over a year.  I understand not wanting to sleep with a drunk.  When she mentioned counseling was when I was stopping with the drinking so I had plenty on my plate and was selfishly paying attention to myself but since I got over the drinking, I've tried to be as loving, kind and serving as I could be. 

[johndoo]

It is a christian counselors job to confront a spouse about a sexless marriage.
If a spouse is unwilling to go to counseling, seek the help of a pastor or elder to intervene before considering divorce.
This is a form of neglect and has signficant emotional repercussions.

[littleoldme]

I see glimpses of the girl I fell in love with and the woman who I grew to love and she is trying, but it tough.

She's still in there, you just have to bring her out.

[BrightEyes24]

Rejection is a miserable feeling. Just a thought. Maybe she is feeling your distaste with her body.  Accept her as a whole and let her know how beautiful she is right now, as is.  Many many women are not happy with their bodies and to hear our spouse say he loves our bodies goes a long way. God bless

[MrsKHicks]

When you say she is aware of how her body issues affect you, in what way do you mean? Have you ever criticized her for her size, eating habits, or health? Intimacy is a very vulnerable time, especially for women who are constantly bombarded by medias version of what is attractive and what is not. If a woman is made to feel less than attractive, beautiful and cherished during this time then feeling excited is the last thing she will feel. Insecurities, fears over comments made, and feeling unattractive can make a woman's sexual desire zero.

Have you tried talking her up, telling her how beautiful you think she is, buying her beautiful undergarments that make her feel sexy and feminine. Make her feel loved and adored, touch her when intimacy is not an option.

For me when my husband goes "straight for the goods" I am immediately turned off and semi-disgusted. When throughout the evening he places a hand on my leg, touches my back, kisses my forehead, and makes me desirable when having sex is off the table I am more than ready when he turns to me in bed.

Also how friendly are you two? Have you tried dating her? Taking walks with her, talking while you hold hands, going to the movies and laughing at something together. Create intimacy that is not sexual, and that may open the door for more.

[littleoldme]

Also how friendly are you two? Have you tried dating her? Taking walks with her, talking while you hold hands, going to the movies and laughing at something together. Create intimacy that is not sexual, and that may open the door for more.

Good advice.

[epiphanius]

To be fair, I was an active alcoholic for probably 15 of the past 25 years, but have been sober for over a year.  I understand not wanting to sleep with a drunk.  When she mentioned counseling was when I was stopping with the drinking so I had plenty on my plate and was selfishly paying attention to myself but since I got over the drinking, I've tried to be as loving, kind and serving as I could be.

Country,

It's great that you've got over a year of sobriety now, but don't forget you've got 15 years' worth of damage to try and rebuild--it's going to take some time.  Keep trying to be as loving, kind and serving as you can be.

Also, try to think of your wife as sexy because she's your wife, rather than how she looks.  This may take some getting used to, but it's something important that you can do for her, and it can make a big difference in how she feels about herself.