I need some dating advice.

[RedWhiteBlue]

This is a bit of a long one guys, but I am in desperate need of advice. Thanks in advance for anything you guys and gals can do! (prayer!)
   I met a girl at church whom I really grew to like. I am into climbing and cliff jumping and other activities like this, and it was on one of our church outings to a local cliff jumping spot that I met and got to know her a little bit. Things progressed fairly rapidly for the next month until I finally took her out on our first non-group date. She is an ex-pastor's kid (they are on sabbatical), and I knew from the beginning that her family is struggling in a few desperate areas, and I was praying for healing for them through the time we got to know each other. She is a very Godly woman with whom I was able to discuss many of my deep spiritual ideas (normally saved for my very best friends). I feel as though these discussions have lead me to grow far too attached to her in such a short time, and it was likely unwise for me to engage in these so early. We are not physical at all, only hugging.
   I am a sophomore at CU Boulder (known for its partying) and I admittedly struggled with smoking weed alot my first year (Colorado ya know! haha). This was the person I was when entering the summer of '14 (a couple months before I met her) and it wasn't until a month before I met her that I truly began to climb (by the grace of God) out of the pit I had dug myself into freshman year. I attribute alot of my repentance back into God's arms to her and our conversations, as well as the new church family I found myself surrounded by. What I truly needed at the time was good fellowship (something I lacked entirely at CU), and I am so incredibly blessed to currently find myself in such submission to God. I have even asked for more trials and have searched for more things to purge from my life and to sacrifice. It is such an uplifting feeling, I can't even begin to describe the peace I have been living in recently.
   Now that the background is set, I will get to the problem. After my first week back at school, I was seriously struggling with fellowship up here at CU. It became so hard that I nearly left my scholarships and housing and simply went home. After the first week, I went home (from Boulder) to visit my church (in Colorado Springs, a move I will likely be making often this year), and she and I had a long conversation alone. At the time she simply told me that we needed to remain friends for a while, which I thought was a good idea because of the stresses I was under at school (my major is aerospace engineering, and school gets very tough). What she didn't remember to mention (haha) is something I found out the next night with her on the phone, after returning to Boulder: She told me to assume we would never be dating.
   I was crushed, and felt very deceived. I grew so attached to her in such a short time(admittedly I had only met her 5 summer weeks before), and this was a very big blow. I prayed long and hard, and came to the conclusion that I needed to set my desires completely on Christ alone, and she held too much of my heart. I simply gave it to her, without guarding it. I mean, she is a Christian, what did I have to worry about?
   Her reasons for her decision had much to do with her pastoral family situation. Without going in to detail, they are suffering some serious spiritual attacks right now. She said that she simply needed to focus her mind and heart on God alone, which I was sad about but I knew it is probably the best thing for both of us for the time. This conversation took place three nights ago. What is hard to swallow though, is the fact that I "should assume we can never date". This is nearly unbearable (Thank God I have made it through okay so far), as I am utterly infatuated with her.
   My prayers have been to find fellowship up here at CU, because I know I need it to make it through. Last night I (miraculously?) ran into the CU Navigator group, and specifically a few people who knew I was coming from a friend who told them to find me. They told me about a retreat happening TONIGHT which has been such a gift from God. This retreat is taking the place of my returning home, hopefully to see her, and I feel like God is telling me to seek fellowship and give our next encounter some time. I feel as though God led me to them last night, as an answer to my prayers for fellowship.
   I am praying to really embrace Christ's love for me (something I have struggled with in the past) and to keep my desires on him alone. In particular the worship song "we will wait upon the Lord" nearly drove me to tears last night. Scratch that, I was bawling. Haha.
   What I need advice for is what I should do now: I know I need to give her space and pray that God provides the healing her family needs. I also have no intention of backing her into a corner with prying questions, but I desperately want to be around her, as friends if nothing more. My primary goal is to keep things open for the future, when the situation will be different. She promised we would stay friends, indeed her choice to remain friends for now was in part to protect our growth together these past weeks. What should I do? I know her circumstances may change, and God may give her the okay to date me again. I know God gave me her for a month ("you give and take away") and I grew immeasurably because of our friendship. But I really desire the opportunity to take it to the next level EVENTUALLY (I have another 2.5 years here at CU, and I am prepared to wait).
I know that was a doozy story to read through, but this is really on my mind and I seek the wisdom of a Godly community to help me with my next steps. The most important thing right now is to not put myself up as a barrier to the healing God is giving her, and of course I know that my relationship with him needs to be my top priority. If you have no advice to give, please pray, (for Jake and Laura) for prayer is so powerful. Thanks guys!

[chosenone]

HI Jake.
I feel you need to respect what she has said, and give her space. She has made it clear that she doesn't  want to be more than friends, that may or may not be because of her family situation, we don't know. Seeing her as a friend when you want more will only make it harder for you, so concentrate on God and on college and your new friends there. If in the future God wants you together then it will happen, but with respect 3 weeks isn't long enough to get to know a person properly. There may be many things that she didn't tell you, or she may have just been helping you with no thoughts of wanting to take it further.

[Goshin]

Sounds like the relationship is over to me.

I could never stand to just be friends with someone I had such deep feelings for. It would hurt too much. and IMO be easier in the long run to break it off completely than torture yourself with the hope of something that was never going to materialize.

[new creature]

deleted

But brace yourself cause I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear.

My dating advice: stop dating, stop expecting a happy relationship/marriage with children, the whole 9 yards, and especially don't let your happiness depend on it.

Don't you know that nice guys finish last? I believe they do.
Take it from me, if you follow that advice which admittedly is easier said than done it will save you a lot of heartache.

So far the part of your post I could relate to.

There were also things in your post which disturbed me, like you praying for more trials (?!), and also I thought I perceived that you take glory in your sacrifices.

Really, we're commanded to deny ourselves. Not just a little, not this, that or the other, but ourselves. You might say what should you not sacrifice? (In b4 somebody quotes me and says how about weed then, lol).

How about your career? Aerospace whatever? Seems like an epic waste of time.

Finally, you mentioned "embracing Christ's love for you" and that you struggled with that in the past. How about your love for Him, though? Personally I think that's what we should focus on, that's what needs our attention, His love for you is not something that needs work.

I hope you get what I'm saying and that it benefits you. Good luck.

[RedWhiteBlue]

Interesting advice, all.

For chosenone: Despite the length I clearly didn't articulate very well. She said she still likes me, God told her in a dream not to date. 3 weeks is short (Though it was 6, actually :P) yet we went very deep and spent all six of those together.

For  Goshin: It's not over until I have given it space and she tells me that she is done with it. So far it's about God and her relationship with him coming first, not about our relationship. We went on a date the night before she dropped this all and it went very well and I could tell she still has feelings for me.

For new creature: What's wrong with weed? maybe nothing, maybe everything. I know that it became an idol in my life and caused me to lose my touch with my schoolwork and ultimately with God. Too much time spent in the wrong areas is damaging at the very least. I find that when I was high I felt embarassed trying to talk to God and I think that is enough of a reason to give it up. I never want something keeping me from talking with Him.
Nice guys do not finish last, they just go for trashy girls. I am not a nice guy, I am sarcastic and many people cannot handle my in-your-face personality. Yes, I prayed for trials. Go read Romans 5:3. I take no glory in my sacrifice, rather I have never been in such submission and I am looking for opportunities to purge more of the evil out of my life (weed was top of this list).
My major is great, it will lead to a great career, but honestly if you find someone special enough to you I think you may change your opinion on "what is a waste of time" (looking at you, MJ).
My love for him is another topic of my prayer, I am working on increasing it until it is the only thing that drives me. Not my "like" and desire for her. I understand and want this.

I feel like I didn't make it quite clear: I will be going after her in the most loving and strategic way possible. I have never met a human (male or otherwise) so in tune to my Spirit. I will push for this to work in the most Godly way possible, and at the very least I know I have a lifelong friend in her.

There is no amount of heartbreak that will keep me from spending time with her, my decision does not rest on our relationship alone but my love for her spirit.

Thanks guys! Goodluck with the weed "new creature", I pray that eventually you find the answer to the question you are not yet asking.

[chosenone]

deleted

But brace yourself cause I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear.

My dating advice: stop dating, stop expecting a happy relationship/marriage with children, the whole 9 yards, and especially don't let your happiness depend on it.

Don't you know that nice guys finish last? I believe they do.
Take it from me, if you follow that advice which admittedly is easier said than done it will save you a lot of heartache.

So far the part of your post I could relate to.

There were also things in your post which disturbed me, like you praying for more trials (?!), and also I thought I perceived that you take glory in your sacrifices.

Really, we're commanded to deny ourselves. Not just a little, not this, that or the other, but ourselves. You might say what should you not sacrifice? (In b4 somebody quotes me and says how about weed then, lol).

How about your career? Aerospace whatever? Seems like an epic waste of time.

Finally, you mentioned "embracing Christ's love for you" and that you struggled with that in the past. How about your love for Him, though? Personally I think that's what we should focus on, that's what needs our attention, His love for you is not something that needs work.

I hope you get what I'm saying and that it benefits you. Good luck.

What is wrong with wanting marriage and children? Its what God made us to do.
Also what is wrong with studying aerospace engineering? Sounds good to me.

[chosenone]

Interesting advice, all.

For chosenone: Despite the length I clearly didn't articulate very well. She said she still likes me, God told her in a dream not to date. 3 weeks is short (Though it was 6, actually :P) yet we went very deep and spent all six of those together.

For  Goshin: It's not over until I have given it space and she tells me that she is done with it. So far it's about God and her relationship with him coming first, not about our relationship. We went on a date the night before she dropped this all and it went very well and I could tell she still has feelings for me.

For new creature: What's wrong with weed? maybe nothing, maybe everything. I know that it became an idol in my life and caused me to lose my touch with my schoolwork and ultimately with God. Too much time spent in the wrong areas is damaging at the very least. I find that when I was high I felt embarassed trying to talk to God and I think that is enough of a reason to give it up. I never want something keeping me from talking with Him.
Nice guys do not finish last, they just go for trashy girls. I am not a nice guy, I am sarcastic and many people cannot handle my in-your-face personality. Yes, I prayed for trials. Go read Romans 5:3. I take no glory in my sacrifice, rather I have never been in such submission and I am looking for opportunities to purge more of the evil out of my life (weed was top of this list).
My major is great, it will lead to a great career, but honestly if you find someone special enough to you I think you may change your opinion on "what is a waste of time" (looking at you, MJ).
My love for him is another topic of my prayer, I am working on increasing it until it is the only thing that drives me. Not my "like" and desire for her. I understand and want this.

I feel like I didn't make it quite clear: I will be going after her in the most loving and strategic way possible. I have never met a human (male or otherwise) so in tune to my Spirit. I will push for this to work in the most Godly way possible, and at the very least I know I have a lifelong friend in her.

There is no amount of heartbreak that will keep me from spending time with her, my decision does not rest on our relationship alone but my love for her spirit.

Thanks guys! Goodluck with the weed "new creature", I pray that eventually you find the answer to the question you are not yet asking.

You are right about weed, and its also illegal, so not something that we should ever take part in.

I do think you have to respect her wishes no matter how you feel about her. Give her the space she requested and honor her wishes and what she has said to you. It may not be what you want to hear, but she clearly feels differently from you.

[new creature]

For new creature: What's wrong with weed? maybe nothing, maybe everything. I know that it became an idol in my life and caused me to lose my touch with my schoolwork and ultimately with God. Too much time spent in the wrong areas is damaging at the very least. I find that when I was high I felt embarassed trying to talk to God and I think that is enough of a reason to give it up. I never want something keeping me from talking with Him.

Well if it keeps you from God then I get it you want to quit.

I can imagine it does if it makes you ashamed or something like that.

Nice guys do not finish last, they just go for trashy girls.

Eh.. that's crazy imo. Why would a nice guy want a trashy girl? If a man desires a trashy woman, is he really a nice guy? Nice guys want nice girls, imo. Which is one of the reasons they finish last because they have much less choice than other guys.

I am not a nice guy,

Then how can you be a Christian? Christians are nice.

In a vacuum though, this is what a nice guy would say. Not so nice guys would lie or even be deceived thinking they're great while they're not.

I am sarcastic

Well, that's not the worst thing is it?

and many people cannot handle my in-your-face personality.

That's a good sign imo. A sign that you love truth more than you care about what people think of you, right?

Yes, I prayed for trials. Go read Romans 5:3.

Do you need extra though? Why not glory in the sufferings of losing love and being lonely?

I take no glory in my sacrifice, rather I have never been in such submission and I am looking for opportunities to purge more of the evil out of my life (weed was top of this list).

Well okay maybe I took it the wrong way, it was how you worded it that I felt you were really happy with what you were doing or something like that... you know in of itself looking to purge yourself from evil is great. I doubt weed is the biggest one, and you thinking it is makes me doubt your discernment on what is evil. If it is true that you want more opportunities to do so I'd recommend reading what Jesus said so your understanding may increase.

My major is great, it will lead to a great career,

Oh I understand it might be fun, interesting, challenging, high salary, and people may even look up to you for it and bla bla but what good does it really do other than fulfill your personal gratification?

but honestly if you find someone special enough to you I think you may change your opinion on "what is a waste of time" (looking at you, MJ).

Not sure what point you're making here.

My love for him is another topic of my prayer, I am working on increasing it until it is the only thing that drives me. Not my "like" and desire for her. I understand and want this.

Great. Reading His Word is the way to go to get there imo.

I feel like I didn't make it quite clear: I will be going after her in the most loving and strategic way possible. I have never met a human (male or otherwise) so in tune to my Spirit. I will push for this to work in the most Godly way possible, and at the very least I know I have a lifelong friend in her.

There is no amount of heartbreak that will keep me from spending time with her, my decision does not rest on our relationship alone but my love for her spirit.

Honestly I doubt you'll be lifelong friends. Just how it goes generally.

Thanks guys! Goodluck with the weed "new creature", I pray that eventually you find the answer to the question you are not yet asking.

Lol thanks. The least of my problems if even one.

[Goshin]

For  Goshin: It's not over until I have given it space and she tells me that she is done with it. So far it's about God and her relationship with him coming first, not about our relationship. We went on a date the night before she dropped this all and it went very well and I could tell she still has feelings for me.

She already told you "to assume we would never be dating." Just because you don't want it to be over, doesn't mean it isn't.

(Unless you're a stalker.) j/k

Far be it from me to claim to be an expert on relationships, and you can take my advise or leave it as you see fit, but any time a woman has told me she needed her space it meant the relationship was over.

If it turns out she wants to pursue a serious relationship in the future I'm happy for you.

[R-Simon]

Feelings, thoughts and ideas like this are common when people are getting to know each other and starting to date.
I know it's not trivial or meaningless at the time, but the thoughts and feelings will change.  It's not uncommon at all for older folks to look back and say "thank goodness I didn't do this or that" way back when.

I hate to throw a cliche out there but those who fail to plan are planning to fail.  Don't let any relationships keep you away from getting your degree if that's really your plan.  Of course don't let a great party life get in the way of that either, I know of some who have made that mistake.
As a Christian one brings these things to prayer so that part is certainly right.

[new creature]

deleted

But brace yourself cause I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear.

My dating advice: stop dating, stop expecting a happy relationship/marriage with children, the whole 9 yards, and especially don't let your happiness depend on it.

Don't you know that nice guys finish last? I believe they do.
Take it from me, if you follow that advice which admittedly is easier said than done it will save you a lot of heartache.

So far the part of your post I could relate to.

There were also things in your post which disturbed me, like you praying for more trials (?!), and also I thought I perceived that you take glory in your sacrifices.

Really, we're commanded to deny ourselves. Not just a little, not this, that or the other, but ourselves. You might say what should you not sacrifice? (In b4 somebody quotes me and says how about weed then, lol).

How about your career? Aerospace whatever? Seems like an epic waste of time.

Finally, you mentioned "embracing Christ's love for you" and that you struggled with that in the past. How about your love for Him, though? Personally I think that's what we should focus on, that's what needs our attention, His love for you is not something that needs work.

I hope you get what I'm saying and that it benefits you. Good luck.

What is wrong with wanting marriage and children? Its what God made us to do.
Also what is wrong with studying aerospace engineering? Sounds good to me.

I didn't say it's wrong to want marriage and children. I adviced him to give it up which is not the same.

Aerospace engineering seems like a totally useless skill if not for money and money is a bad motive imo.

[R-Simon]

Aerospace engineering seems like a totally useless skill if not for money and money is a bad motive imo.

I worked in fields of science and engineering but I don't like to give too much detail about my background.
At a time when the Aerospace industry was cutting back and nothing was happening we hired Aerospace engineers because with that employer at that time there were positions that any engineer could fill.  If somebody has a degree in Aerospace engineering they have an engineering degree.

I'd be more worried about the overall situation where it's hard for almost any qualified candidate to get that first job in engineering, any technical field or any advanced field.  If somebody wants to pursue a degree in engineering then pursue a degree in engineering.  There are other considerations that will effect people later in life, if you don't want to move around a lot or want a professional career where one can almost always find a job anywhere one decides to live then don't expect to live within 20 miles of life-long friends and family with most engineering jobs [there will be exceptions].  If that is the number one priority get into a field like accounting or pharmacy.

[chosenone]

Aerospace engineering seems like a totally useless skill if not for money and money is a bad motive imo.

I worked in fields of science and engineering but I don't like to give too much detail about my background.
At a time when the Aerospace industry was cutting back and nothing was happening we hired Aerospace engineers because with that employer at that time there were positions that any engineer could fill.  If somebody has a degree in Aerospace engineering they have an engineering degree.

I'd be more worried about the overall situation where it's hard for almost any qualified candidate to get that first job in engineering, any technical field or any advanced field.  If somebody wants to pursue a degree in engineering then pursue a degree in engineering.  There are other considerations that will effect people later in life, if you don't want to move around a lot or want a professional career where one can almost always find a job anywhere one decides to live then don't expect to live within 20 miles of life-long friends and family with most engineering jobs [there will be exceptions].  If that is the number one priority get into a field like accounting or pharmacy.

My nephew aged 22, has a degree in mechanical engineering and he has a really good job now.

[chosenone]

deleted

But brace yourself cause I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear.

My dating advice: stop dating, stop expecting a happy relationship/marriage with children, the whole 9 yards, and especially don't let your happiness depend on it.

Don't you know that nice guys finish last? I believe they do.
Take it from me, if you follow that advice which admittedly is easier said than done it will save you a lot of heartache.

So far the part of your post I could relate to.

There were also things in your post which disturbed me, like you praying for more trials (?!), and also I thought I perceived that you take glory in your sacrifices.

Really, we're commanded to deny ourselves. Not just a little, not this, that or the other, but ourselves. You might say what should you not sacrifice? (In b4 somebody quotes me and says how about weed then, lol).

How about your career? Aerospace whatever? Seems like an epic waste of time.

Finally, you mentioned "embracing Christ's love for you" and that you struggled with that in the past. How about your love for Him, though? Personally I think that's what we should focus on, that's what needs our attention, His love for you is not something that needs work.

I hope you get what I'm saying and that it benefits you. Good luck.

What is wrong with wanting marriage and children? Its what God made us to do.
Also what is wrong with studying aerospace engineering? Sounds good to me.

I didn't say it's wrong to want marriage and children. I adviced him to give it up which is not the same.

Aerospace engineering seems like a totally useless skill if not for money and money is a bad motive imo.

Its normal to have that desire, its God given.

[R-Simon]

My nephew aged 22, has a degree in mechanical engineering and he has a really good job now.

Yes, there are certain jobs where somebody needs a degree.  A self-taught person may get in but that shouldn't be somebody's plan.

There is a tendency for those outside the fields and students entering a field to think of a flag-ship job but that usually isn't what happens.  So we may think a mechanical engineer is going to design something that looks like a large clock work or an electrical engineer is going to design the next hot computer.  That hardly ever happens.  Very few at Boeing got to design what the 787 looks like or even it's major functions.

I have known mechanical, aerospace engineers and guys with physics degrees working as project managers, manufacturing engineers or other areas completely outside their major field of education.
I know of two project managers with similar stories.  One wanted to be a building architect and the other wanted to design ships.  They both thought that once in the field they'd get to make the major decisions and even participate in the creativity of how something looked and the major design function.  That's hardly ever what ends up happening.
But we wouldn't have hired either of them if they didn't have advanced technical educations.  Another example is chemical and pharmaceutical companies need sales staff and reps for major clients but they don't want to hire a bunch of uneducated motivational pitch-men.  They hire people with more advanced degrees, even in some cases engineering degrees.

There is a tendency for younger folks starting out in their education to think "what I want to do", "what would be a cool job" or "what I'm good at" following the advice of councilors looking at aptitude tests.  They may want to think more about how their life will go and consider everything related to the field.  For example if I had picked a career in accounting or business management I probably would have made more money and could have made the decision to live almost anywhere I wanted to.

Just thought I'd bring that up as the OP seems to be starting education rather than a couple of quarters away from graduation.