Authority in Marriage?

[MasterBaster]

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times? Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am? Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

[MeMyself]

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times?

The bible calls us all to deny self.  If your way goes all the time, how are you accomplishing this?  Would you demand your own way with every relationship you are in? If the answer is no, then show your wife the same grace and freedom. (if yes? YIKES! you might wanna regroup and learn how to work with people! ;) )

Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am? Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

A true leader doesn't demand compliance, they are wise enough to see strengths in others and defer to those gifts.

But, if you wish to be a dictator and you wonder how long the marriage will last, that depends completely on the woman you choose and if she is willing to play along...

Good luck! :)

[Curtis]

Even though man is the "head" of the women, that does no mean he is the boss, as the women was made to be a "help meet" for man.
Adam was the head of Eve, and his job was to protect, and watch over his family from danger. He failed in his mission when he allowed the serpent into the family house hold (garden) which caused her and his own downfall.
Women will gladly submit to her husband if he is in a right relationship with God, and doing his job in watching over his family. If a husband does not take on that responsibility, the women will step up and take it on for her family.
Some people think that since woman came from man that they are in charge, and is better than their wives. This thinking is in error because even though woman came from man, man does not exist without woman as he born from woman.

[chosenone]

If as man has earnt the respect of his wife, then she will be more likely to allow him to lead as and when necessary. Usually things
can be discussed and prayed about, and an agreement reached without it getting to that stage anyway.

[Goshin]

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times?

Depends on if you want to be happily married, or the boss, and unhappily married or possibly divorced at some future date.

Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am?

Funny I've never heard of you, having such a big reputation as a leader and all...

A successful marriage requires love, understanding, and compromise. You can be overbearing to the point she can't stand the sight of you, or you can learn to compromise and have a chance at a successful marriage.

Ever hear the saying "Happy wife, happy life"?

[Jason_NC]

Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. 

But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave.

If you are leading your wife with her best interest at heart, then yes, you will listen to her.

[Charming Anarchist]

Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

Until she leaves you. 

Stop the kabuki dance and get thee to a marriage counsellor ASAP before it is too late.  [I would also suggest that you consult MORE than 1 counsellor.  There are bad counsellors out there.]  If your wife refuses to attend marriage counselling, then you should call a divorce lawyer. 

The rest of your questions will be answered by your wife and yourself in counselling or by your lawyer.  Stop asking us. 

[MeMyself]

If your wife refuses to attend marriage counselling, then you should call a divorce lawyer. 
 

Wow. I had no idea that was grounds for divorce.  The divorce rate will go through the roof if this bit of advice is followed. Oy vey!

[Charming Anarchist]

Wow!  Nobody said anything was grounds for divorce.  What an odd interpretation. 

To MasterBaster:  If your wife refuses to talk, then your marriage is dead and she knows it before you do.  You need to protect yourself and your family from the men in black robes who make a living off of the divorce industry. 

[MeMyself]

Wow!  Nobody said anything was grounds for divorce.  What an odd interpretation.

Odd? LOL! What other purpose would you have for calling a divorce lawyer? You said if she refuses counseling to call a divorce lawyer; most people do that when they feel they've grounds for divorce.

[Charming Anarchist]

Odd? LOL! What other purpose would you have for calling a divorce lawyer?

To protect himself from a woman who, in all probability, has already called a divorce lawyer herself and is playing a long game exit plan. 

You said if she refuses counseling ... 

Yes.  When a woman refuses to talk, it is over. 
Are you suggesting that the marriage is viable if the woman refuses to go to counselling???  I am telling the OP that the marriage is dead if she refuses.  I would also call it a form of abuse but there is no need to quibble over that point. 

... to call a divorce lawyer; most people do that when they feel they've grounds for divorce.

Interesting.  The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women.  The men they divorce have no choice BUT to call a lawyer too.  I am telling this man to read female behvior. 



MasterBaster, 
You can make all of this simple.  Just ask your wife:  "Do you love me?" and gaze into her eyes.  You will know the truth before she opens her mouth.   
You do not want authority over a woman who does not love you and you do not need authority over a woman who truly does. 

[MeMyself]

Odd? LOL! What other purpose would you have for calling a divorce lawyer?

To protect himself from a woman who, in all probability, has already called a divorce lawyer herself and is playing a long game exit plan. 

You said if she refuses counseling ... 

Yes.  When a woman refuses to talk, it is over. 
Are you suggesting that the marriage is viable if the woman refuses to go to counselling???  I am telling the OP that the marriage is dead if she refuses.  I would also call it a form of abuse but there is no need to quibble over that point. 

... to call a divorce lawyer; most people do that when they feel they've grounds for divorce.

Interesting.  The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women.  The men they divorce have no choice BUT to call a lawyer too.  I am telling this man to read female behvior. 



MasterBaster, 
You can make all of this simple.  Just ask your wife:  "Do you love me?" and gaze into her eyes.  You will know the truth before she opens her mouth.   
You do not want authority over a woman who does not love you and you do not need authority over a woman who truly does. 

This is just garbage.  LOADS of people, men and women, refuse counseling. LOADS.  It does not automatically mean the marriage is over, she is plotting an exit, has contacted a lawyer herself.  Your advice to those in marital trouble is often to jump to these drastic matters.  Its wrong IMO.  We should be trying to HELP not cause fears to increase, plant new fears into heads OR counsel ANYONE on here to divorce.

[Goshin]

To MasterBaster:  If your wife refuses to talk, then your marriage is dead and she knows it before you do.  You need to protect yourself and your family from the men in black robes who make a living off of the divorce industry.

Yes.  When a woman refuses to talk, it is over.
Are you suggesting that the marriage is viable if the woman refuses to go to counselling???  I am telling the OP that the marriage is dead if she refuses.

Are you posting to the right thread?

How did:

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times? Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am? Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

Get to him insisting she attend counseling, and if she didn't, to contact a divorce lawyer, because he wants to have his way all the time? A simple compromise on his part every once in a while could in all likelihood avoid all that.

If anyone should be insisting someone go to marriage counseling, it should be her insisting he attend.

I would also call it a form of abuse but there is no need to quibble over that point. 

And if anyone is being abused in this scenario IMO, it's her.

The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women.

BTW, I was the one who filed for divorce from my wife.

[Charming Anarchist]

MasterBaster, 
A woman who loves her husband does not refuse counselling.  If she attends counselling, pop the question then. 
If she refuses to go to counselling, what will you do? 

This is just garbage.  LOADS of people, men and women, refuse counseling. LOADS.  It does not automatically mean the marriage is over, she is plotting an exit, has contacted a lawyer herself.  Your advice to those in marital trouble is often to jump to these drastic matters.  Its wrong IMO.  We should be trying to HELP not cause fears to increase, plant new fears into heads OR counsel ANYONE on here to divorce.

I am helping.  I am telling the OP that he needs to ask questions and he needs to get answers.  If he is at any fault, he will only realize that through calm talk ---- if he is to realize it at all. 

It is clear from the spirit of the OP that communication with his spouse is a problem.  Agreed? 
It is unclear from the spirit of the OP how to solve that communication problem.  Agreed? 
It is clear from the spirit of the OP that he needs professional assistance in a non-threatening environment to solve the communication problem.  Agreed? 
It is clear that the truth resides within the OP, his spouse and a neutral third party --- not with us.  Agreed? 

If none of the above happens, the marriage is going to get worse.  Agreed? 
If his spouse actively prevents the above from happening -- i.e., she refuses counselling, it is clear that she does not want to solve the problems the way mature responsible adults do.  Debate? 

How did:

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times? Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am? Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

Get to him insisting she attend counseling,

Easy:  he needs to learn how to communicate, obviously. 

If she refuses to help the marriage through counselling, he needs to understand what that refusal means long term.  What do you think it means?? 

[MeMyself]

I took the OP to be of a hypothetical question anyway...

I just think your trigger finger to jump to even mentioning divorce, divorce lawyers, claims the wife doesn't love her dh or the dh doesn't love his wife is out of line.  You only have this very limited form of communication.  There is no way you should be bringing these things up.  It will plant seeds of doubt and fear and THAT is NOT help!

Its fine to bring up counseling, going to their Pastor, things like that where people with a better view of what is going on can help.

[Goshin]

If she refuses to help the marriage through counselling, he needs to understand what that refusal means long term.  What do you think it means??

IMO It's not a matter of her going to counseling so that she can learn to accept "what he says goes".

A marriage is not run like a boot camp. A husband is not a Drill Sargent and the wife should not have to say "YES, DRILL SARGENT!" every time he wants things to go his way. The term control freak comes to mind, but I would not refer to him as such.

Even the mightiest of oaks need to bend in the wind. He needs to learn how to compromise or the marriage will be broken. If that takes counseling then, like I said, she need to be the one insisting on it.

[JohnDB]

Men are told to love their wives into submission.

It works.  There are times when my wife disagrees with me but goes along anyway because she is confident in my love for her.  She knows for sure her needs and wants always come before mine when I make a choice. 
So I'm never questioned when I put my foot down.

Its happened too many times in the past that she has disagreed and discovered later I was right.  But also when I'm ignorant or wrong I will admit it every time.   I might defer to her judgement. 

There is a definite difference in my house than many others.

[Charming Anarchist]

IMO It's not a matter of her going to counseling so that she can learn to accept "what he says goes".

I never said that was the purpose of going to counselling.  I just told him to go to counselling. 

The OP is not the only person who needs to learn how to communicate.  We each have our own log stuck in our eye. 

[littleoldme]

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times? Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am? Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

My wife and I married late in life, and lately, I have had a slew of health problems, which, by God's Grace, I have overcome, but I am cognizant that I am only going to have her for a short time.  Although she does get willful at times we both realize we don't have time for power struggles. On the inside of my wedding ring is engraved Eph. 5:25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her...So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church...

[MeMyself]

Although she does get willful at times

What does this mean?

[Ella Mo]

If our words and deeds are agreeable in God's eyes, then there won't be so much trouble. Walking out of our little world, and seeking God's will, we won't lost our way.

[littleoldme]

Although she does get willful at times

What does this mean?

You don't know what "willful" means? Here's the dictionary definition:

"having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects."

Recently I made a career decision that she argued with me about. It turned out to be exactly what we needed, and the best move.

[MeMyself]

Although she does get willful at times

What does this mean?

You don't know what "willful" means? Here's the dictionary definition:

"having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects."

Recently I made a career decision that she argued with me about. It turned out to be exactly what we needed, and the best move.

I know what the words mean...I wondered what being willful looked like, what it means when you say it about her.

Is it willful for a wife to have an opinion?  Is that what you consider arguing?

Congratulations on your career.

[Curtis]

Communicating is more than just talking, it is also in actions, and thoughts, which speak louder than words.

[Red Baker]

Should what I say go every time or should I really compromise at times? Doesn't my wife realize I have a reputation to show how much of a leader I am? Any advice; just how long can a marriage last this way?

I would not be too concerned about my reputation and what others thinks.  I have been married to a wonderful woman since the sixties, (68).  Before that we were together two years while in high school.  We work as a team, always have, always will.  She know that I valve her godly wisdom.  I would very seldom do anything without her being in agreement.

There will be times when you must compromise, lest your wife be discouraged.  I give my wife a lot of liberty, in many areas.  She generally makes her own plans, (shopping, buying things for the grandchildren, house and for herself, and she does shopping for me as well, since I very seldom go) without asking, or informing me.  We just brought another rental property, which I would never do, without her being in agreement with it. 

If we ever come to a cross road of disagreement, then I say ""Honey, just be reasonable and do my way"~ :) She knows that she is the queen of this small kingdom!

[littleoldme]

Although she does get willful at times

What does this mean?

You don't know what "willful" means? Here's the dictionary definition:

"having or showing a stubborn and determined intention to do as one wants, regardless of the consequences or effects."

Recently I made a career decision that she argued with me about. It turned out to be exactly what we needed, and the best move.

I know what the words mean...I wondered what being willful looked like, what it means when you say it about her.

Is it willful for a wife to have an opinion?  Is that what you consider arguing?

Congratulations on your career.

It would have been willful for my wife to presume to make a career decision for me and discount MY feelings on the matter. Like it or not, I am in the best position to judge these things. And I was right. It was a great decision all the way around. Scary, but it worked out.

[MeMyself]

It would have been willful for my wife to presume to make a career decision for me and discount MY feelings on the matter. Like it or not, I am in the best position to judge these things. And I was right. It was a great decision all the way around. Scary, but it worked out.

Why was she "willful" about it though?  Did it require a move?  Was there a reason she had for being opposed to the change?  Were her feelings taken into account?  Again...you haven't shared what her "willfulness" looked like (what she did to be labeled as such).

You may be the best one to judge what job is right for you, but your wife has valuable insights and feelings as well.  Not saying you should have based the decision on those things, but at the very least, listen to her, be patient, understanding and not condescending telling her how much better equipped you are to make such decisions.

[littleoldme]

It would have been willful for my wife to presume to make a career decision for me and discount MY feelings on the matter. Like it or not, I am in the best position to judge these things. And I was right. It was a great decision all the way around. Scary, but it worked out.

Why was she "willful" about it though?  Did it require a move?  Was there a reason she had for being opposed to the change?  Were her feelings taken into account?  Again...you haven't shared what her "willfulness" looked like (what she did to be labeled as such).

You may be the best one to judge what job is right for you, but your wife has valuable insights and feelings as well.  Not saying you should have based the decision on those things, but at the very least, listen to her, be patient, understanding and not condescending telling her how much better equipped you are to make such decisions.

What makes you think I didn't talk to her about it? In any case, it's over, it was a good move, things are better for the both of us, and we both agree. Case closed.

[MeMyself]

littleome, I didn't say anything about you not talking to her about it.

I wish that you would give examples of how she was willful about the change is all.  But, as it seems you are unwilling to give any...God bless.

[littleoldme]

littleome, I didn't say anything about you not talking to her about it.

I wish that you would give examples of how she was willful about the change is all.  But, as it seems you are unwilling to give any...God bless.

No, I am not going to give any, on the internet I try not to get too specific about personal details, it's just they way I roll.

[MeMyself]

littleome, I didn't say anything about you not talking to her about it.

I wish that you would give examples of how she was willful about the change is all.  But, as it seems you are unwilling to give any...God bless.

No, I am not going to give any, on the internet I try not to get too specific about personal details, it's just they way I roll.

you use an alias, not your real name.  I would be very hurt if my husband told folks I was willful about something, if really all I did was speak my mind and concerns about a move or big change in our lives.  I wonder if that isn't the case here too.

But again, just the accusation of willful, but no specifics of what you consider that to look like.

[chosenone]

littleoldme, you could give some hypothetical situations that may describe what you mean? 

[littleoldme]

littleome, I didn't say anything about you not talking to her about it.

I wish that you would give examples of how she was willful about the change is all.  But, as it seems you are unwilling to give any...God bless.

No, I am not going to give any, on the internet I try not to get too specific about personal details, it's just they way I roll.

you use an alias, not your real name.  I would be very hurt if my husband told folks I was willful about something, if really all I did was speak my mind and concerns about a move or big change in our lives.  I wonder if that isn't the case here too.

But again, just the accusation of willful, but no specifics of what you consider that to look like.

Nonetheless, someone who knows me might recognize the situation.

[littleoldme]

littleoldme, you could give some hypothetical situations that may describe what you mean?

Well, screaming and throwing things in a fit of anger would be a dead giveaway. I am not saying that's what Mrs. Littleoldme did, but it was her equivalent of that. The argument didn't last long, we were in a situation where doing nothing was not an option, and once the deal was done she saw that it was a good thing. I think her problem had to do with the frustration of having to do anything at all, but we were forced by circumstances into doing something no matter what career choice I made. We had been backed into a corner and she hates that.