Christianity Is Preventing Me From Moving On From My Ex

[kool_kid_86]

For the past few months I have been going to church because of my girlfriend Karen. We were really good friends before we started dating. Karen is a very devoted Christian and as her boyfriend I wanted to get to know her faith and become a believer like herself so I went to church. After six weeks, Karen broke up with me as one of the major deciding factor was because she was afraid that I was unable to convert. She was afraid I would pretend to be interested in Christianity until we got married, which at that point I would abruptly leave the church. I tried my very best to reassure her that would definitely not happen but she would not believe me. I don't truly blame her, as I have dated two previous girls before Karen, both of which were both anti religious thus I also became anti religious as well.

After Karen and I broke up, I told her that I would stop going to church as it reminded me of Karen too much. Two weeks after our break-up, I decided to give Christianity another chance. This was not for Karen but for myself. I was seeking peace as I didn't want my heart to ache for Karen anymore. I found this awesome church with excellent people, and surprisingly some of which are my old high school friends that I haven't spoken to in over 10 years! I started to become very interested in the faith and participated actively during bible study sessions, eagerly looking forward to each worship session, deeply praying to God, and read the bible with an open mind. I guess after the first session I was hooked!

In the past, I worked a lot with children in various jobs and was also a mentor and leader to them. I haven't done that line of work for many of years but I really did enjoy working with children. I've always told Karen that I did want to get teach and lead the children at church, and I felt like I could make a great positive impact at this church with my leadership skills and energetic personality. Thinking about this gave me hope that perhaps if Karen saw how dedicated to Christianity I was she might take me back so I continued to dedicate myself to Christianity up until the end of the summer.

A few days ago I got in touch with Karen. She has refused to speak to me since our breakup and so she doesn't know what I've been doing throughout my entire summer. We briefly exchanged text messages, and she said that she still does not see a future in our relationship. As much as it hurts, I accepted the fate that there is nothing more I can do to salvage our relationship and it was time to move on. I decided to try my very best to forget about Karen.

Yesterday, I went to my usual Friday bible study class and tomorrow is my usual Sunday worship. I originally intended that I would use these two final sessions to say goodbye to Christianity. Every time I think of anything to do with Christianity, I think of Karen. I feel as those two are attached to one another. Furthermore, I have a lot of questions and require a lot of deep Christian guidance to continue my journey. I am only close to a few people, none of which are Christians except for Karen. I am very private when it comes to deep personal issues such as religion and so it is very difficult for me to even talk to a pastor or strangers regarding my questions.

In my previous two break-ups, I was not emotionally effected very much. I am in my late 20s, my first girlfriend and I lasted 5 years, and my second lasted 6 years. As Karen and I were not dating for very long, I never thought it would hurt as much as it did as every part of my life was effected by the break-up with Karen. As a result, I don't know how to move on with my life. The pain I have felt after Karen broke up with me has been significantly more intense then all the pain my previous two ex's have brought onto me. I have been reading online to see how others deal with break-ups, and one strategy is to forget about your ex by removing the things that remind you of them. Unfortunately, for myself, one of these things is Christianity. Whenever I feel the warm surge of Christianity or the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart, I would be thinking of Karen.

I have the type of personality where once I become attached to someone, it will take a long time for me to become un-attached. In my other two relationships, I think it was easy for me to move on as during the final months we were just friends who happened to have history together instead of lovers. In other words, it just became inevitable for a break-up. In the case with Karen, we both really liked each other but Karen still decided that it would be best if we broke up. I guess perhaps why that is why this break up is hurting me so much.

I know that the obvious solution here would be to detach Christianity and Karen, but it isn't that simple for me. Christianity is one of the most defining features about Karen. Christianity made Karen become the girl who I fell in love with, and it becomes un-imaginable for me to separate Karen and Christianity.

My dilemma here is what should I do? I do enjoy going to church and learning more about Christianity, but at the same time doing so reminds me of Karen. I am trying my best to get over Karen by not thinking about her, but I feel that Christianity is one extremely defining feature about Karen therefore in my mind Christianity and Karen are tied together. Furthermore, I feel that I maybe coming close to the end of my Christian journey as I don't have anyone that I deeply trust that I can speak to in regards to answer my Christian questions except for Karen. I fear that as time progresses my heart will harden from Christ without guidance from church and Karen but at the same time I need to find a way to move on from Karen. What should I do?

[new creature]

I feel that I maybe coming close to the end of my Christian journey as I don't have anyone that I deeply trust that I can speak to in regards to answer my Christian questions except for Karen.

If my faith depended on having somebody I can trust or talk to or depend on, (other than Jesus,) I wouldn't have believed today.

You need God more than Karen or any other person for that matter. You need the right answers to your questions. Which means you need to understand the New Testament, and probably better than this Karen does herself, so asking her is not the best way to learn anyway.

[chosenone]

You must stop letting who you go out with turn you off or onto God. You are clearly very easily swayed by girlfriends opinions and beliefs, and that's not good.
The most important thing for you is to be a believer and to follow God. It will change the direction of your life for good, and your eternal life is at stake here. As time passes, memories of Karen will fade, and you will in time be able to be a believer without thinking of her.
As you go to church and church activities more and more, you will get to know people better and feel more at ease about asking questions. Also many churches run alpha groups or similar, which are for those like you who want to ask questions and learn more about God and Jesus and the Christian faith. See if your church or another local church runs one. 

[MeMyself]

My dilemma here is what should I do? I do enjoy going to church and learning more about Christianity, but at the same time doing so reminds me of Karen.

How about this; every time your mind is drawn to her, thank God for her, pray blessings for her and then ask God to change your heart towards her.  Ask Him to remove the feelings that make things difficult to move on.  It will be a process, but try it. Can't hurt.

I am trying my best to get over Karen by not thinking about her, but I feel that Christianity is one extremely defining feature about Karen therefore in my mind Christianity and Karen are tied together.

Of course they are tied together, she is God's child.  However, she is not unique to this.  There are tons of Christian girls out there...she is just not the one for you.

Furthermore, I feel that I maybe coming close to the end of my Christian journey as I don't have anyone that I deeply trust that I can speak to in regards to answer my Christian questions except for Karen.

Just silly. If you want a Christian friend, JOIN in a young adult study, OPEN yourself up, ASK for prayer, and lob your questions to the group.  You are putting WAY too much pressure on this poor girl! You've so built her up in your mind that she can't possibly measure up to your fantasy and expectations to "keep" walking out a Christian journey. Your journey is YOUR responsibility not hers. 

I fear that as time progresses my heart will harden from Christ without guidance from church and Karen but at the same time I need to find a way to move on from Karen. What should I do?

Move on.  Just do it...even if the feelings linger, even if they are slow in following the moving on. Find a different body to attend from the one Karen is attending, plug yourself into that body of Christ and start growing.

[Goshin]

In my previous two break-ups, I was not emotionally effected very much. I am in my late 20s, my first girlfriend and I lasted 5 years, and my second lasted 6 years. As Karen and I were not dating for very long, I never thought it would hurt as much as it did as every part of my life was effected by the break-up with Karen. As a result, I don't know how to move on with my life. The pain I have felt after Karen broke up with me has been significantly more intense then all the pain my previous two ex's have brought onto me. I have been reading online to see how others deal with break-ups, and one strategy is to forget about your ex by removing the things that remind you of them. Unfortunately, for myself, one of these things is Christianity. Whenever I feel the warm surge of Christianity or the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart, I would be thinking of Karen.

I have the type of personality where once I become attached to someone, it will take a long time for me to become un-attached. In my other two relationships, I think it was easy for me to move on as during the final months we were just friends who happened to have history together instead of lovers. In other words, it just became inevitable for a break-up. In the case with Karen, we both really liked each other but Karen still decided that it would be best if we broke up. I guess perhaps why that is why this break up is hurting me so much.

Maybe this breakup has been more difficult for you because you had deeper feelings for Karen than those other girls, then maybe it's because of the way the relationship ended.

In either event, it's true that time heals all wounds. One day, and it might be months down the road, you'll wake up and it won't hurt quite as much as it did the day before. That's when the healing begins, and it gets better from there. You just have to tough it out for now.

There are bound to be other things that will remind you of her as time goes by. I wouldn't stop going to church just because you aren't together anymore. It may be in God's plan for you to find a nice girl by going to church.

[New Creation]

How has your walk been going? I see it has been a few months since you started this thread and I pray this message reaches you.

I can relate to you. I too am in my late 20's and my ex-girlfriend (as of yesterday)helped to bring me to Christ. We dated for 2 years and my most favorite possession is a bible she got me for our one year anniversary and I don't even know if I want to keep it anymore because it just reminds me of her.

My way of coming to terms with what is happening is to recognize that none of this is coincidence. God had a plan when he brought her into my life and although things didn't go as I planned, they are always going as he planned and Romans 8:28 (see below) tells me that this plan He has is working towards a greater good.

Brother, you mention you started going to bible studies, praying deeply to God, reading the bible and anticipating the next worship session and yet, now that you know for sure you don't have a chance with Karen, you are ready to throw it all away. Was this merely an intellectual exercise? Did you not claim Jesus as your personal savior and truly meant it in your heart?

Being in a similar situation as you I couldn't imagine giving up my salvation in spite of any women.

Romans 8:28 New Living Translation (NLT)

28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[a] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.