Patiently Waiting...

[Crowned1]

Hello, everyone. I'm 30 years old, and my boyfriend is 28 years old. We've been in a relationship for almost 6 1/2 years, and we've been discussing marriage for about 4 years. He gave me a promise ring, which I've been wearing for four years. Well, he promised me that we'd be engaged WAY before Thanksgiving of this year... Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and I'm a big ball of emotions. I'm very hurt, sad, disappointed, and frustrated about it.

My boyfriend asked me about two months ago if I'd mind wearing my promise ring as an engagement ring until he can make other arrangements. I told him yes and the only thing he had to do was ask my parents for my hand in marriage. Simple, right? He's still dragging his feet, and I don't know why. Lengthy relationships are frowned upon in the church world, and I get dirty looks from people because they're waiting for me to become pregnant. Rumors have been spread about me a a us as a couple, and I'm ready for the next step. I've been praying and all my boyfriend wants to do is tell me everyday how much he can't wait to marry me. He's been making and breaking promises, and I'm trying to be patient and understand the process. It still really hurts though... I feel like my hands are tied. Any suggestions or ideas are welcomed. Thanks in advance!

[chapmic]

I will be praying for both of you, maybe he is too concerned about money. As a guy, I know that causes a lot of stress. Have you talked to him about your concerns, sometimes guys need a lil more incentive to speed up the process and if he sees how this is negatively affecting you he will be encouraged to speed up the process. God bless!

[chosenone]

Hmmn I am afraid that he seems to have serious commitment issues. 6 1/2 years is a massive length of time to not even be engaged and its not as if you are barely into your 20's. You may need at some point to decide whether to risk waiting to see if one day he MAY decide to be serious about this, or end the relationship and pray that God will find you a  man who will actually commit to you and not lie.
The thing is, he is lying you to by telling you every day that he cant wait to be married, but not doing a thing about it. He is also making promises that he keeps breaking.  Words are easy but actions are not.

I would get serious about this and finally do something. You have put up with his messing you around for all these years. Time to act.   Maybe suggest a time apart, say three months,  for him to seriously think about what he wants, and during that time pray and ask God what HE wants you to do. I am also surprised that a friend in the church hasnt challenged him on this or asked him what is going on.   Its not just the lack of willingness to commit that concerns me, but the lying and broken promises. How can you trust anything he says any more? Honestly is vital in a marriage and he isnt being honest with you. 

Hope that you don't mind me asking, but are you having sex? If you are then stop and don't have sex any more until he commits to you in marriage. If you aren't, then its even more weird that he seems in no hurry whatsoever to get engaged or married.

[Crowned1]

Thank you so much for your prayers and responses, @chapmic and @chosenone! You're right about the money issues, @chapmic. He's always been very concerned when it comes to that subject. He just started working again a couple of weeks ago after attempting to start his own insurance agency. I've been praying with/for him through everything since day one and have voiced my concerns and feelings about the matter of being engaged. He keeps telling me to be patient because it's coming sooner than I expect. What also hurts is how he's been in a position where he had money to get a ring or make the next step but decided to spend it on a guitar or an expensive watch that he wanted. He took me to a jewelry store two years ago, and he told me try on some rings. After looking at the rings, he walks out of the stre with a $350 watch. I was devastated. Since that day, I've been hurt because of broken promises.

To answer your question, @chosenone, no, we're not having sex. So, that's not the issue, but it does make me wonder why that factor hasn't made him speed up the process...

Oh and to top it off, he asked me to pick a wedding date, so we decided on June 27, 2015. He's been telling all of his friends about the date and introducing me to people as his fiancée! I've told him about how embarrassing it is to know that I'm his "fiancée" to his friends but still just his girlfriend in reality.

[chosenone]

Thank you so much for your prayers and responses, @chapmic and @chosenone! You're right about the money issues, @chapmic. He's always been very concerned when it comes to that subject. He just started working again a couple of weeks ago after attempting to start his own insurance agency. I've been praying with/for him through everything since day one and have voiced my concerns and feelings about the matter of being engaged. He keeps telling me to be patient because it's coming sooner than I expect. What also hurts is how he's been in a position where he had money to get a ring or make the next step but decided to spend it on a guitar or an expensive watch that he wanted. He took me to a jewelry store two years ago, and he told me try on some rings. After looking at the rings, he walks out of the stre with a $350 watch. I was devastated. Since that day, I've been hurt because of broken promises.

To answer your question, @chosenone, no, we're not having sex. So, that's not the issue, but it does make me wonder why that factor hasn't made him speed up the process...

Oh and to top it off, he asked me to pick a wedding date, so we decided on June 27, 2015. He's been telling all of his friends about the date and introducing me to people as his fiancée! I've told him about how embarrassing it is to know that I'm his "fiancée" to his friends but still just his girlfriend in reality.

You really need to tell him all this. Its just not right for him to tell others you are engaged when you arent, and he hasnt even asked you to marry him yet.
I just cant believe what he did with that watch. That was so cruel and so selfish. To be honest he doesnt seem to have a clue about how to act in a healthy functional relationship or how to treat a woman. Is he rather immature emotionally? He sounds it.

I wonder, does your church/pastor or any other local churches/pastors run premarriage courses or meetings? If they do it may well be very invaluable for you both to go.THings can come out there that dont come out anywhere else.  Failing that, how about you both going to see a mature married couple in the church a few times to discuss all this with. The thing is, the general lying and broken promises wont stop after you are married. Can you deal with that for the rest of your life? Do you trust him? Do you respect him?

[Crowned1]

I've explained my feelings to him, but he only responded with anger. He asked, "What if I had a ring in my pocket and was about to propose? You would've just ruined it and made me change my mind!" So, I've been playing it cool and keeping my mouth shut.

My church only offers premarital counseling after an official engagement. There aren't any older couples that are trustworthy enough to confide in. It would get back to my parents (also my pastor and first lady) the next day if not the minutes after. I love this man so much, and Im praying that everything works out. I just don't understand why he's prolonging a proposal.

[chosenone]

I've explained my feelings to him, but he only responded with anger. He asked, "What if I had a ring in my pocket and was about to propose? You would've just ruined it and made me change my mind!" So, I've been playing it cool and keeping my mouth shut.

My church only offers premarital counseling after an official engagement. There aren't any older couples that are trustworthy enough to confide in. It would get back to my parents (also my pastor and first lady) the next day if not the minutes after. I love this man so much, and Im praying that everything works out. I just don't understand why he's prolonging a proposal.

Wow, cant you see that he is using his anger to control and manipulate you by stopping you voicing legitimate concerns???   Do you not see rad flags here???  I see loads, flying high. He lies, he makes promises that he breaks, he acts in very selfish ways and he wont take your concerns seriously and uses anger to shut you up.
I think that you need to seriously get with God and ask for his clear guidance. Love isnt enough when it comes to serious character flaws and immaturity. You express deep concerns to him and he just gets angry??
Has it ever occured to you that God is holding him back because he isnt the man for you? He may be trying to get through to you here before its too late. Instead of praying that it works out, pray that God will make it very clear what HE wants you to do.
THese things that trouble you now will be magnified after marriage. 
I am also very concerned that there is NO ONE in your church who you can trust???I can think of loads of Christians who I could trust. That to me is troubling also.

I strongly believe that God bought you here, and I have the strong impression that He may be trying to warn you before its too late. I have three children of around your age, and if you were one of my daughters I would be seriously concerned and I would be praying VERY hard.

[chosenone]

I told my husband about your post this morning, and  before I said anything about my thoughts on it, he said 'red lights are flashing here'. We both see the same thing, you are beings seriously warned.

Tell me , is there any chance that he looks at porn? 

[Jean74]

Praying for you both. He may want to save up some money. As well as just know that, it is about timing if you stop and think about it. Praying for you two and let us know how it goes.

[Crowned1]

No, @chosenone, he doesn't look at porn. We're both PKs (Pastors' Kids) and are VERY much involved in the church- particularly the music ministry. I feel so numb and try my best to be normal when we're together, but it's becoming unbearable. It also concerns me how he has an eczema flare up every time he's expected to propose. He hasn't been to work in four days but will return tomorrow. I know he feels pressured, but people have been getting engaged/married since the beginning of time. Monday makes 6 1/2 years for us...

[chosenone]

No, @chosenone, he doesn't look at porn. We're both PKs (Pastors' Kids) and are VERY much involved in the church- particularly the music ministry. I feel so numb and try my best to be normal when we're together, but it's becoming unbearable. It also concerns me how he has an eczema flare up every time he's expected to propose. He hasn't been to work in four days but will return tomorrow. I know he feels pressured, but people have been getting engaged/married since the beginning of time. Monday makes 6 1/2 years for us...

I asked that question because most red blooded men wouldnt be so reluctant to propose to a women they loved unless their sexual focus was elsewhere.  Porn use is rampant, in the church as well. It has nothing to do with who is involved in the church, whether you are pastors kids or not, of whether you are worship leaders. Many church leaders look at porn.

I think he has a commitment phobia. The fact that he gets stressed every time he may propose is a red flag. Can you not see the many red flags here
How about you get some relationship counseling outside your church where no one knows you? Hopefully then the truth may come out of what is going on. Apart from the commitment issues, there are other red lights including his controlling behaviour, his selfishness, and the total lack of respect he has for your feelings and concerns.
I think that unless you act by either doing the above or having that 3 months break with waiting on God, you may well still be here in another few years, and at some point you will realise that your body clock is ticking loudly.

Hasnt it occurred to you that God may be trying to get through to you and warn you?

[chosenone]

http://www.yourtango.com/201078880/i-was-engaged-man-commitment-phobia#.VH6PoDGsUlJ

[Wycliffes_Shillelagh]

So... you have picked a wedding date, he introduces you as his fiancee, he asked you to consider the promise ring to be an engagement ring until he can get a nice one...

But you don't think you're engaged?

I bet he probably does...

[Crowned1]

First of all, thank you all sooo much for your advice and prayers. I've been seeking God for guidance and understanding. Last Saturday, my boyfriend and I talked to my parents about getting married and asked for their blessing. Yesterday, I received the surprise of a lifetime... He asked me to be with him forever!!! It turns out he's been planning to do this for a while. I couldn't be happier!!!! Once again, thank you all so much for everything!!! I can't believe we're engaged!!!! I'm sooooo excited!!!!!

[chosenone]

Great news, when is the big day?   Please get some good pre-marriage counselling.

[Crowned1]

The big day is June 27, 2015! My pastor, who's also my father, will be giving us premarital counseling, so we're in great hands and will receive great wisdom from him! 

[chosenone]

Ummmm NOT a good idea to have premarital counselling from your father. He is hardly likely to be totally honest if his future FIL is counselling you, and will you both be able to discuss things like sex with him   I would strongly suggest someone else does it, a married couple may be good, or a pastor from another church.

[DaveW]

I agree with chosen.  Having your dad do that is a big red flag to me.  The text of scripture says to leave father and mother. This keeps dear old dad in the picture in a way that is not proper.