Help :( My boyfriend confessed to me his homosexual past

[xmiscreantx]

Hi everyone,

I am in need of support and prayers :( After 1 and a half years of being in a Christ-centered relationship with an amazing man, he very recently confessed to me his homosexual past. He had always been able to connect better with girls and was involved with a man in a very toxic and destructive physical and emotional relationship years ago. It was during the peak of his crisis that God met him, and he was able to walk away from the relationship. Since then he was determined to stay single for the rest of his life – until he met me. He mentioned that I was the first girl he genuinely was attracted to and liked, which was the reason why he decided to pursue me, despite his struggles. However, he thought that this was an issue that he did not need to raise until we reach a certain level of commitment. He thought he could deal with it on his own.

Before I knew of this we had been having talks on deepening our commitment as we both got into this with marriage in mind, and it finally led him to make this confession as it has been preventing us from enjoying that deeper commitment as a dating couple. He admitted that even though he has walked away from that, he still struggles with the temptation to this day but is committed not to act on them. It broke my heart to hear from him how he envies other men and how it's so natural for them to BE – not like him who battles it everyday. He wants to fully love and appreciate me but his low sense of security and self esteem are preventing him from doing so.

I am still reeling from shock and pain as this confession happened only a few days ago and I am trying to find everything I can on the issue to keep myself from completely breaking down. I love this man and I continue to see him as someone I can spend the rest of my life with and walking in the Lord with. I believe God is a God who heals and restores. I also believe that my boyfriend's brokenness is not a reason for me to walk away, but all the more to journey with him even though it will cause both of us much pain.

How do you think I can best deal with this situation? How can I love him better?

Help please. I am so heartbroken. I hurt for him more than I am hurt by him. I love him more after he confessed, and I want to be there for him through it all.

[Bluesman]

Only you can know how 'right' the relationship feels.  I too believe that Jesus heals and restores.  If your man has repented in sincerity, and if he shows obvious physical arousal when you are affectionate with each other (assuming you want to have children one day), why doubt?

On the other hand, if the answer to the two 'ifs' above is 'no' then there will definitely be trouble ahead. 

I've prayed for you.  God bless

[chapmic]

Don't overthink it, the past is over. If he wants to be a new person and your husband, encourage him and be there for him. We all have temptation but it is through the strength of the Holy Spirit that we are able to resist. And you will be there to remind him of that Strength. Take it one day at a time and count the blessings you have. I hope this helps, God bless!

[DaveW]

XM, you alone know how the issue of his past will weigh on you; and you may not even know yourself for the longterm effects.  If you are having a problem with it now, it may get worse for you later on.

Pray.  Pray hard.  Pray hard, fast, continuously. Pray until you get a sense from God to pursue this or to walk away. (I know both are difficult choices)

[Kor1]

I believe you need to be in deep prayer over this for God to guide you in the right path. Do not keep yourself blind just 'cause you love him. If you decide to stay and marry him you need to know that the possibility that he may one day give in to his temptations is a very real possibility. Would you be able to deal with it if he has sex with a man while married to you? Knowing that he is still tempted by other men will make you start questioning any friendship he has with a man. Is he really just friends with him or is he attracted to him? Can you deal with that? I think you're in for a great deal of pain. I believe God can change anyone, but from what you're saying it sounds to me that God has not changed/restored him. It seems like he's trying to do it all on his own, and that never works. If God truly has changed him he wouldn't be having such a great temptation to homosexuality. He would be made clean. He would be made whole. He would be a new man, with a new mind, new desires, and that is not the case with your man. If there is not a full change from God delivering him from homosexuality he will eventually get sexually involved with another man. It's just a matter of time.

[Kuraisto]

Kor, your judgment on this young man is disturbing and highly offensive. Does not at all sound Christian. Sadly it is a standpoint that is popular in this age. One where homosexuality is considered impossible to change. You see it as a sin, and yet reject the possibility of change! You do not know his personal journey with God nor what his future will be. You've relegated him to a path of destruction even though he's leaning on God.

Any man would feel temptation, whether by a man or a woman. Does that mean we should question every friendship a man has? You don't think the Devil still tempts us even when God has made us whole again? What a tragic and harmful standpoint to take on the matter.

[Gracey]

I don't know if the OP is still here and reading this, but I'll post anyway.

First of all, it's fantastic that your boyfriend has admitted this to you.  It means he trusts and honours you and is willing to risk a great deal, in order to be truthful to you.  That is a BIG deal. 

Like you, I too was with a guy who had same sex attraction, except he didn't tell me and I had to find out the hard way. The devastation was immense and it nearly broke me.  I realised too that he was broken and in need of help, so we stayed together while he sought advice and counselling.  Unfortunately for him, the pattern in his life of dishonesty was ingrained so deeply, that he seemed incapable of telling the truth and of living his life in the light and so the relationship ended after many years.  It didn't end because of his attractions.  It ended because he wasn't able to be honest with me.

So, here is what I would say.  This guy loves you enough to tell you the truth. That is amazing, but you and he cannot do this journey alone.  You absolutely have to get accountability and leadership in your lives together, to help you weather the storm.   Don't be fooled into thinking that if you get married and have a regular sex life, that this will solve the problem.  It won't because this isn't about sex, but about other deeper, unresolved issues.

However, it IS possible to have a wonderful, normal marriage with this guy, if he chooses to get accountability and to always be honest with you.  I know this because I have a friend who is doing this exact journey and they are happy, fufilled and growing closer all the time.  They've committed to doing their unusual marriage the God way, and that is what makes the difference.   It is unrealistic to expect temptation to go away - to me, that is a strange notion to believe that we can live our lives free of temptation.  BUT, it is possible to live a life free of the compulsion to ACT on those temptations.  That's the difference.

Google the minstry of Sy Rogers.  He talks about this a lot and has had a remarkable journey in his life.  He talks about the process of God healing the wounds in his life.  In the beginning, the thoughts were like a tsunami, overwhelming him, threatening to destroy him, but as God started working on his heart and healing and restoring him, the thoughts became like 'gnats' that he could push away with the wave of his hand.   The 'gnats' have never left him, but his ability, with God's help, to brush them away, has become evident.

You can do this.  Don't expect an easy life, but with God's help, this could be a wonderful adventure.  If you want to talk more, feel free to send me a private message.