Trying to find someone the right way and failing.

[beal_01]

Six years ago, I came home from church and there was a man in my basement.  I wanted to save the marriage but she didn't.  We had a son, after a custody war, and moving to another state I now get to see my son 1/2 of the time.  (Split custody)

I've chased after God as much as humanly possible.  During the divorce God put people in my life to help me through it.  They planted a church.  I served there as much as possible.  I continued this pattern, learning, serving, giving (time and money), and praying.. Overall growing my faith in Christ.  Heck I even went on a mission trip to the Mathare slums in Kenya.  (Being there, seeing their hurt, I feel ashamed for praying for things, eventhough my heart aches to not be alone.)

Over the years, God has redeemed just about everything.. Time with my son, job, house, friends.  However, there is a gaping hole in my heart that no matter what I do I can't fill with Christ.  I feel alone and sad.  I realize that I am supposto find all my joy and happyness through Christ that he should be enough.

But I have a sadneess in my heart that I can't shake.  I'll put on a confident mask, ask a girl out, she will say no.  My friends tell me to serve at the church and you'll meet someone.  I don't.  We even had a sermon series on the young adult (those not married) the great advice was that she met her husband at a bible study.  All the groups are guys only, girls only.)  I try to pick myself up by my boot straps, and pray, but I keep in place.

I don't want to want/need someone, but I do.

I guess I just don't know what to do.  Part of me knows I need a good spiritual kick in the pants.  You know, William Wallace style.. And not a Mr. Rogers warm fuzzy "your great just the way you are".

Being a man, I just want to solve it.  Go out on dating sites, hire a matchmaker, but that will yield a relationship that I am not equally yoked, and I will end up worse than before.

I'm angry I guess.  Sad too.  Sangry?  Go figure.

Why doesn't God show up?  What do I have to do?  How much do I have to serve?

I give up.

[Texas Conservative]

I am four years past my marriage ending.  I also have split custody (1/2 time) of my kids.

I would like a relationship with a nice woman, but that isn't going to define me.  No sadness in my heart, although at times I can get lonely.

I think you need to find a way to be happy with yourself and your son and move on before you can expect a relationship.

Seems to me like you tried to fill a void instead of dealing with the pain of the ending of your marriage.  Totally get that.  It's hard to forgive and move on.

I have some of the same fears, and I haven't really tried to date.

Your serving, doing shouldn't be part of some deal with God.  I think you need to deal with your hurt.  Truly deal with it before you worry about a new relationship.

[beal_01]

My friend, I'm over my Ex.

A relationship doesn't define me.  How I serve, act, and father my son does.  God's influence on my life defines me.

I serve out of a desire to do good.  Every good work is dead the moment you do it.  It's not a "deal"..

Just trying to work through the sadness that is building over time.

[chosenone]

Hi beal, welcome back.
Its a good thing to want to get married again. After all God says its not good for us to be alone. After my first marriage ended it was 4 years before I felt ready for another relationship. I then felt God leading me to go onto a Christian dating site, and from there tried one or two others, made some good friends and 2 years later I met my now husband of over 12 years.
Churches here have far far more women than men, but maybe its not the same there? So for us its very hard to meet an available godly man in the older age groups.

For you its been a few years now, so you are not jumping into a new relationship too soon.

There are many events such as Christian singles holidays, speed dating, and many churches have singles groups. Be proactive is my advise.  A wife won't come knocking on your door.

As for dating sites, choose only ones that are specifically Christian. Read about them and chose the one you think may have the most genuine believers. Don't go onto free ones or international ones, far too many scammers.     

[beal_01]

Thanks for the advice Choseone.. Yes, there are more men then women at my church.  Most are Married.  Hardly none are single and if they are, way too young.  It's a strong church and there are few divorces.  Praying together is one of the big points that is stressed in most "relationship" messages / sermons.  While on the plane to Niarobi, I sat next to one of the Elders, we talked about how the church leadership knows there is a un-met need for singles, they just don't know what to do about it.  (Other things such as youth sports, missions, take priority.)  I offered to help build a site or organize it.  But we'll see where that goes. 

Yes, it has been a while, about 6 years since I was in a relationship.  I've grown through it and healed.  I'm over the pain.

I am trying to find the right avenue.  Most of the messages push back on finding a friend in church, then if God is willing, it will grow into something more.  I'm a bit scared of not following that recipe.  I see alot of great and successful marriages come out of it.  (But most start in their early 20's, late 30's is hard to mix with that)

Yes,  you are right, my "need" to find someone is based more upon companionship and not out of the other "need".  I'm leery of the dating sites.  Reason being, Christian Mingle is more of a "luke warm christian" mingle.  Also, the other majors like e-harmony seem like hookup central.  I want to stay far away from that.  I tried joining a matchmaking service, I stressed "Know Jesus, Know beal.. No Jesus no beal.."  It was a fiasco.

I am a bit leery of coming out and asking someone to go to coffee or dinner.  I'm afraid of rejection I guess. (Was part of the ultimate one a while back)  Still growing and learing though it.  Maybe I have too much empathay?  Alot of other guys I have seen, both in the church and out play the odds.  As as many out as you can as often as you can.

Been diving into some good sermons online with the topic.  They all come back to quit whining, fill the hole in your heart with Jesus.  That only seems to go so far for so long.  I don't know, maybe I'm weak.

Struggles in life I guess.  Firey cruiceable?

[Texas Conservative]

Thanks for the advice Choseone.. Yes, there are more men then women at my church.  Most are Married.  Hardly none are single and if they are, way too young.  It's a strong church and there are few divorces.  Praying together is one of the big points that is stressed in most "relationship" messages / sermons.  While on the plane to Niarobi, I sat next to one of the Elders, we talked about how the church leadership knows there is a un-met need for singles, they just don't know what to do about it.  (Other things such as youth sports, missions, take priority.)  I offered to help build a site or organize it.  But we'll see where that goes. 

Yes, it has been a while, about 6 years since I was in a relationship.  I've grown through it and healed.  I'm over the pain.

I am trying to find the right avenue.  Most of the messages push back on finding a friend in church, then if God is willing, it will grow into something more.  I'm a bit scared of not following that recipe.  I see alot of great and successful marriages come out of it.  (But most start in their early 20's, late 30's is hard to mix with that)

Yes,  you are right, my "need" to find someone is based more upon companionship and not out of the other "need".  I'm leery of the dating sites.  Reason being, Christian Mingle is more of a "luke warm christian" mingle.  Also, the other majors like e-harmony seem like hookup central.  I want to stay far away from that.  I tried joining a matchmaking service, I stressed "Know Jesus, Know beal.. No Jesus no beal.."  It was a fiasco.

I am a bit leery of coming out and asking someone to go to coffee or dinner.  I'm afraid of rejection I guess. (Was part of the ultimate one a while back)  Still growing and learing though it.  Maybe I have too much empathay?  Alot of other guys I have seen, both in the church and out play the odds.  As as many out as you can as often as you can.

Been diving into some good sermons online with the topic.  They all come back to quit whining, fill the hole in your heart with Jesus.  That only seems to go so far for so long.  I don't know, maybe I'm weak.

Struggles in life I guess.  Firey cruiceable?

If you are over the pain, then why do you have this sadness to work through?

I am not trying to mess with you.  My circumstances were similar with the divorce.  I am the same age.  Same terrible experiences with dating sites.  ChristianMingle is one where it seems the hard living folks now want a nice man.  I am not into that.

[chosenone]

Thanks for the advice Choseone.. Yes, there are more men then women at my church.  Most are Married.  Hardly none are single and if they are, way too young.  It's a strong church and there are few divorces.  Praying together is one of the big points that is stressed in most "relationship" messages / sermons.  While on the plane to Niarobi, I sat next to one of the Elders, we talked about how the church leadership knows there is a un-met need for singles, they just don't know what to do about it.  (Other things such as youth sports, missions, take priority.)  I offered to help build a site or organize it.  But we'll see where that goes. 

Yes, it has been a while, about 6 years since I was in a relationship.  I've grown through it and healed.  I'm over the pain.

I am trying to find the right avenue.  Most of the messages push back on finding a friend in church, then if God is willing, it will grow into something more.  I'm a bit scared of not following that recipe.  I see alot of great and successful marriages come out of it.  (But most start in their early 20's, late 30's is hard to mix with that)

Yes,  you are right, my "need" to find someone is based more upon companionship and not out of the other "need".  I'm leery of the dating sites.  Reason being, Christian Mingle is more of a "luke warm christian" mingle.  Also, the other majors like e-harmony seem like hookup central.  I want to stay far away from that.  I tried joining a matchmaking service, I stressed "Know Jesus, Know beal.. No Jesus no beal.."  It was a fiasco.

I am a bit leery of coming out and asking someone to go to coffee or dinner.  I'm afraid of rejection I guess. (Was part of the ultimate one a while back)  Still growing and learing though it.  Maybe I have too much empathay?  Alot of other guys I have seen, both in the church and out play the odds.  As as many out as you can as often as you can.

Been diving into some good sermons online with the topic.  They all come back to quit whining, fill the hole in your heart with Jesus.  That only seems to go so far for so long.  I don't know, maybe I'm weak.

Struggles in life I guess.  Firey cruiceable?

We have a few good sites in the UK but obviously no good to you. It does need to be ones that are just for Christians. As you say though, there is Christian and there is Christian.

That's interesting that there are more men in your church. In the UK there are always far more women than men and have been for as long as I can remember. Also so many wives have non Christian husbands. The choice for many women is to marry a non believer or remain single.  A single available man in his 30's -60's here is almost unknown.  If they do become single they are snapped up as my husband was!
I found on the Christian dating sites that the same thing happens. For the age range I was then, in my 40's, there were 3 or 4 women to every man.

6 years seems quite long enough. I do think that many jump too soon into another relationship after divorce or bereavement.

Try not to worry about rejection, just ask.

[beal_01]

Chosen,
I need someone to teach me, oddly enough.  It's almost like growing and learning through the bible and my faith.  Have a mentor that pushes you and challenges you.  That, I do not have.  After looking for that mentorship in the church, all they said was "meet a girl in a bible study" but as I said, everything is not mixed.  Just guys / girls.  Eventhen, most girls are in their mid 20's.

Well.. Any good girls over there in the UK interested in a software engineer / missionary across the pond? :)  I truly do wish it was that way over here, or at least balanced.  In my small group we have about 12 guys ranging 26-40 that are all single.  Sans the leader, he just got married.

I guess it's how I teach myself other things, google / youtube / read.  Sigh.


Texas C., (Love the name by the way)
Why the sadness.. Maybe it's the same reason why God made Eve for Adam..?  I think that there is something to be said for a tender voice and to expirence love here on Earth rather than in heaven. (I'm not talking about physical love).  I mean simple things, helping me to raise my son.  Sharing a home.  Living for more purpose than serving the church.  Investing in someone.  The list can go on and on.

The "hard living folks.."  I'm ok if women made mistakes in life then found Jesus.  At least then you know they are for real and need Him, and realize it.  Stuff I can't accomidate is drug addition, HIV and or other communicable disesaes. 

To be honest, the last girl I asked out was diagnosed with MS.  But she is a strong and awesome christian.  That is why I was attracted to her.  When I asked her out, she said no.  Didn't give a reason, but I think it has to do with me having a son.  I can't blame her for the choice she made.  Or, she may not be attracted to me at all.  Either way, that's ok, you can't make someone like you.

[Texas Conservative]

Chosen,
I need someone to teach me, oddly enough.  It's almost like growing and learning through the bible and my faith.  Have a mentor that pushes you and challenges you.  That, I do not have.  After looking for that mentorship in the church, all they said was "meet a girl in a bible study" but as I said, everything is not mixed.  Just guys / girls.  Eventhen, most girls are in their mid 20's.

Well.. Any good girls over there in the UK interested in a software engineer / missionary across the pond? :)  I truly do wish it was that way over here, or at least balanced.  In my small group we have about 12 guys ranging 26-40 that are all single.  Sans the leader, he just got married.

I guess it's how I teach myself other things, google / youtube / read.  Sigh.


Texas C., (Love the name by the way)
Why the sadness.. Maybe it's the same reason why God made Eve for Adam..?  I think that there is something to be said for a tender voice and to expirence love here on Earth rather than in heaven. (I'm not talking about physical love).  I mean simple things, helping me to raise my son.  Sharing a home.  Living for more purpose than serving the church.  Investing in someone.  The list can go on and on.

The "hard living folks.."  I'm ok if women made mistakes in life then found Jesus.  At least then you know they are for real and need Him, and realize it.  Stuff I can't accomidate is drug addition, HIV and or other communicable disesaes. 

To be honest, the last girl I asked out was diagnosed with MS.  But she is a strong and awesome christian.  That is why I was attracted to her.  When I asked her out, she said no.  Didn't give a reason, but I think it has to do with me having a son.  I can't blame her for the choice she made.  Or, she may not be attracted to me at all.  Either way, that's ok, you can't make someone like you.

I have seen facebook profiles of some of the women on Christian Mingle.  They want a good man, but still are living like hell.  I have three kids, I have enough baggage, I don't have time for crazy.

I made a mistake in who I married in the first place, not looking to do that again.


In my church, there are few singles.   There are a few in my age range, but I would never be interested in them.

[chosenone]

Chosen,
I need someone to teach me, oddly enough.  It's almost like growing and learning through the bible and my faith.  Have a mentor that pushes you and challenges you.  That, I do not have.  After looking for that mentorship in the church, all they said was "meet a girl in a bible study" but as I said, everything is not mixed.  Just guys / girls.  Eventhen, most girls are in their mid 20's.

Well.. Any good girls over there in the UK interested in a software engineer / missionary across the pond? :)  I truly do wish it was that way over here, or at least balanced.  In my small group we have about 12 guys ranging 26-40 that are all single.  Sans the leader, he just got married.

I guess it's how I teach myself other things, google / youtube / read.  Sigh.


Texas C., (Love the name by the way)
Why the sadness.. Maybe it's the same reason why God made Eve for Adam..?  I think that there is something to be said for a tender voice and to expirence love here on Earth rather than in heaven. (I'm not talking about physical love).  I mean simple things, helping me to raise my son.  Sharing a home.  Living for more purpose than serving the church.  Investing in someone.  The list can go on and on.

The "hard living folks.."  I'm ok if women made mistakes in life then found Jesus.  At least then you know they are for real and need Him, and realize it.  Stuff I can't accomidate is drug addition, HIV and or other communicable disesaes. 

To be honest, the last girl I asked out was diagnosed with MS.  But she is a strong and awesome christian.  That is why I was attracted to her.  When I asked her out, she said no.  Didn't give a reason, but I think it has to do with me having a son.  I can't blame her for the choice she made.  Or, she may not be attracted to me at all.  Either way, that's ok, you can't make someone like you.

That's why we as Christians do need to go outside our small churches. The church I was in at the time of about 300 people had no single men at all within 10 years older or younger than me. With only 5-6% going to church here, its very unlikely that we will meet a Christian at work or at any other secular place.
My husband actually only lived 40 min's drive away from where I lived at the time, and strangely enough his in laws who they visited regularly, only lived about 7 or 8 min's walk away. We would never have met if we hadn't met on line though.

Must say I know about 10 Christian couples who met their spouses on line. It may take time though, one lady I know was on and off Christian dating sites for 7 years before she met her now husband who was training to be an Anglican vicar.

Other than that go to Christian events, singles holidays, conferences etc etc  Often these things have singles events as well.  I remember talking to one man who had gone on a Christian singles holiday and was the only man there out of 20 people. He was still single though!

[beal_01]

Texas C., yes I do not want to fall into a bad trap either.  But I do need to do something.  I don't want to be 50 years old and alone.  As I age, the less attractive I am to the oppostite sex.  It's just the facts.

Chosen, you know, I belong to a big church in a suburb of Pittsburgh PA.  There's about 2k people that go to each of the 2 services on sunday, about 750 that go on sat.  Probably 2.5k members and the rest just come.  But what I find is that the bigger the church the less the community.  The more people come to hide.

I think I'm going to follow up with the conversation that I had with the elder on the trip to Kenya.  See if there is any appetite for a singles ministry.  Maybe ask them if they would mind helping me get it off the ground.  Use an actual biblical foundation..

I need to focus on trimming up a bit, getting fit and attractive.  But I don't think I should "wait until I look right" or I hit a certain goal.  Just go.  Set up a few online profiles and see what happens.

I think I'm a bit sad and depressed because the bible, small group topics, sermons, and books I read all talk about how a good christian community will help it's members.  Wether it's drug addiction, gambling, adultry, lying, stealing, etc.. We need to be there for one aonther.  Too often I find christians are fair weather.  Once a person or situation is outside of the "church box" they are orphaned in the congragation.  I feel like one of those types of people.  Maybe there's something that I can do to remedy that.  I really don't want to wait 7 years.

Also, maybe I should read some secular pshchology books about men and women dating.  I mean, there's gotta be some truth in there.  Just make sure that what I implement aligns with the morality of scripture.  Jesus did say to be shred as a snake but innocent as doves.  Matthew 10:16.

[chosenone]

Texas C., yes I do not want to fall into a bad trap either.  But I do need to do something.  I don't want to be 50 years old and alone.  As I age, the less attractive I am to the oppostite sex.  It's just the facts.

Chosen, you know, I belong to a big church in a suburb of Pittsburgh PA.  There's about 2k people that go to each of the 2 services on sunday, about 750 that go on sat.  Probably 2.5k members and the rest just come.  But what I find is that the bigger the church the less the community.  The more people come to hide.

I think I'm going to follow up with the conversation that I had with the elder on the trip to Kenya.  See if there is any appetite for a singles ministry.  Maybe ask them if they would mind helping me get it off the ground.  Use an actual biblical foundation..

I need to focus on trimming up a bit, getting fit and attractive.  But I don't think I should "wait until I look right" or I hit a certain goal.  Just go.  Set up a few online profiles and see what happens.

I think I'm a bit sad and depressed because the bible, small group topics, sermons, and books I read all talk about how a good christian community will help it's members.  Wether it's drug addiction, gambling, adultry, lying, stealing, etc.. We need to be there for one aonther.  Too often I find christians are fair weather.  Once a person or situation is outside of the "church box" they are orphaned in the congragation.  I feel like one of those types of people.  Maybe there's something that I can do to remedy that.  I really don't want to wait 7 years.

Also, maybe I should read some secular pshchology books about men and women dating.  I mean, there's gotta be some truth in there.  Just make sure that what I implement aligns with the morality of scripture.  Jesus did say to be shred as a snake but innocent as doves.  Matthew 10:16.

I am really surprised that a massive church like that has nothing for the singles. I think it would be a great idea for you to start something up. I sometimes hear people say, well there is nothing for singles and I think well ok then you start up a group. Simple. if they are nervous then find another single and do it together.

When we started our church 2 years ago there was no group for the men, so my husband started one up. He has made some good friends that way. We also have groups in the evenings where people of all ages and life experiences mix together. They are the main places where the more pastoral needs may be met. Like you I have had deep disappointments in churches where I didn't get help I needed, but in the end we can only be responsible for what we do and what others do is between them and God. 

You may have to think about the age range though, or you may get singles from the age of 18 to 80. I am guessing you are in your 40's so how about a group for 30's and 40's? There is usually more going on in the church for those in their teens and 20's but not much for the slightly older people.
I disagree that the more we age the less attractive we are to the opposite sex.  I still think my husband is sexy and he is 61:-) We met in our late 40's. We are also older and hopefully wiser and realise that looks are fleeting and there are far more important things in a marriage than what is on the surface. Honestly godly men with strong moral values and integrity are very hard to find these days, so don't worry about that.