Oh, how we hate Ohio State

[Lost Highway]

I know many of you don't care about Michigan vs. Ohio State but I thought it was a funny read. Just insert your favorite school and it's biggest rival and it'll make sense.

Oh, how we hate Ohio State

ANN ARBOR -- Uh-oh, here they come again, loaded for beer, spittin' passion. According to my sources in law enforcement, Buckeyes began streaming across the border at midweek, clogging rest areas and hourly rate motels. At this very moment, local convenience stores are calling for emergency supplies of Slim Jims and pickled eggs.

Perhaps you've seen them around town, their eyes as glazed as their doughnuts. If so, approach with caution, because these are not the beaten-down folks of a few years ago, back when Michigan regularly drummed Ohio State in a rivalry we truly love, and occasionally fear.

The Buckeyes are back. That's a statement, and also a warning. They've beaten the Wolverines three of the past four years and are favored to do it again Saturday at Michigan Stadium.

Listen. Nothing in the sports world matches Ohio State-Michigan for high stakes, unfiltered intensity and pure pageantry. I mean, there's no greater spectacle than when the Ohio State marching band clambers onto that field and desperately tries to spell out script O-H-O-I.

But let me be honest with you, just this once. I'm concerned some people take the rivalry a bit too far. (Not me!)

For the purposes of this column, I loosely define "some people" as "drunken Buckeyes."

You might recall Ohio State once had a fine coach by the name of John Cooper who won lots and lots of games. But astute Buckeyes fans noticed he was 2-10-1 against the Wolverines and demanded he be fired.

Cooper was replaced by Jim Tressel, who somehow is 3-1 against Michigan's Lloyd Carr despite wearing the geekiest sweater vest you've ever seen. We're never sure if Tressel is coaching football or teaching fifth-grade math. Put a sweatshirt on, man.

Almost immediately, Tressel swiped some of Michigan's trademark arrogance without even asking. When he arrived, he began counting down the days to Ohio State's first visit to Ann Arbor. Then he had the audacity to win that game. Later, he hired, er, signed a running back by the name of Maurice Clarett and won a national title.

Quickly, the Buckeyes' obsession returned, and things really got nasty last year in Columbus (city slogan: "$#@& Michigan"). Before the game, in an incident I'm not making up, bomb-sniffing dogs were set loose on Michigan's equipment truck. Michigan coaches and players were searched before security let them in, confident they weren't hiding a creative game plan.

It was stupid and patently disrespectful, and Ohio State officials knew it, once it was explained to them what "patently" meant. I have no idea what retaliation Michigan is planning, although I've heard rumors of rubber gloves and needle-nosed pliers.

Maybe it's time for the Wolverines to crank up the gamesmanship before Carr gets turned into Cooper before our eyes. The Buckeyes long have treated this rivalry more rabidly than the Wolverines, going back to the days when Woody Hayes refused to mention Michigan by name, calling it, according to my memory, "that far superior school up north."

I'm not sure why this passion deficit exists, but it does. Maybe Michigan fans simply have other distractions in their lives, like dealing with Michigan State fans or running major corporations.

Now don't get me wrong. The Wolverines relish the rivalry and are hardly blameless in fostering ill will. While Buckeyes take pride in making Ohio Stadium the noisiest, most profane place imaginable, Michigan fans have been known to violently shush people. Michigan officials even introduced this week something called "Values for the Victors," a sportsmanship initiative designed to squelch bad behavior, on the field and in the stands.

(Note to our Buckeyes friends: This has nothing to do with your visit this week. Noooo. Nothing at all. Please drop the broken beer bottle and step away.)

(Note to everyone else: When they're riled, it's best to Taser them in the buttocks.)

I know, I know. I sound like a biased whiner. Hey, it's my job. But for more evidence of poor behavior, I found numerous stories of Texas fans complaining about mistreatment in Columbus, after the Longhorns beat the Buckeyes this season. Ohio State's president (yes, they have one) even apologized. One of Ohio State's own, tight end Ryan Hamby, said he received hate e-mails after dropping a potential touchdown pass in the game.

Speaking of that, to stem the deluge of perky messages from Buckeyes fans, the address at the end of this column will accept e-mails only from those who affix 37-cent stamps. So don't even try to send one without the postage! Also, before you ask, I'm not nearly limber enough to put my head where you think it belongs.

I'm here to study the Buckeyes, not denigrate them. Remember, this whole Michigan-Ohio battle started way back in 1835 when the states actually fought over Toledo, true story. Ohio won but took Toledo anyhow. In exchange, Michigan got the Upper Peninsula, Charles Woodson, Desmond Howard and four free passes to Cedar Point.

It's really not surprising that so many Ohio youngsters, such as Heisman Trophy winners Woodson and Howard, dream of coming to Michigan. This year's Michigan roster lists 11 kids who escaped Ohio, while Ohio State has one from Michigan. We won't mention his name in case his family doesn't know.

To be fair, when the Buckeyes got sick of losing, they did turn to quarterback Craig Krenzel, from Michigan's Utica Ford High, to lead them to that completely untainted national title. See, we can help each other, once we understand each other. That's why I'm here, to educate.

For instance, in case Ohioans didn't know, these are the three biggest industries in Michigan:

• Making automobiles.

• Pretending to fix the roads.

• Repossessing automobiles.

In case Michiganians didn't know, these are the three biggest industries in Ohio:

• Giving out speeding tickets to Michigan drivers.

• Recycling tobacco tins.

• Fixin' their trucks.

There. Doesn't it feel like we're getting along better already?

As for the game itself, well, it's still huge, even though Michigan spent the first half of the season playing patty-cake with opponents. Now, if Michigan wins and Michigan State does its big brother a favor and somehow doesn't lose by nine touchdowns to Penn State (ha, good one!), the Wolverines (7-3) become Big Ten champs.

After years of Wolverine dominance, we do find the Buckeyes (8-2) and their newly frothing passion fascinating, if a bit startling. But historically, this rivalry is more about the underdog than the bomb-sniffing dog. For the sake of neighborly peace, it'd be best if Michigan restored order.

[Barry]

Here's a big-time Ohio State fan and Columbus, Ohio native that cannot wait until Saturday!

[Bon Voyage]

I will be cheering on Ohio State and calling up my brothers every time they score.  I am a Spartan fan, and us Spartans love to see a Wolverine loss every bit as a Spartan win.

[Barry]

YEAH, BUCKEYES!!!!

[memmy]

I mean, there's no greater spectacle than when the Ohio State marching band clambers onto that field and desperately tries to spell out script O-H-O-I.

Maybe if the writer of this story went to school in Ohio, he would have learned how to spell it.  :;):

Go Bucks!!!!!!!!!! :D  :clap:  

We won!! What a game that was too!

My boys live in Charlotte and there is a huge fan base of Ohio State fans down there. You would think it is a suburb of Ohio!

Memmy  :D[/color]

[Lost Highway]

On the upside (for us Michigan fans) I'm getting used to it.

[Bon Voyage]

Considering that I knew that Penn State was going to win against MSU, and I don't have ESPN, I was cheering on OSU and they came through.  Every time OSU would score, I would call my brothers and hum "Hail to the Victors."

[Lost Highway]

Considering that I knew that Penn State was going to win against MSU, and I don't have ESPN, I was cheering on OSU and they came through.  Every time OSU would score, I would call my brothers and hum "Hail to the Victors."

Thankfully, my siblings are two sisters.

[Cliftyman]

I can truthfully attest that an overwhelming majority of "college-age" Buckeyes are raging, partying drunks....

They come down in droves on the weekend and infect our state in the Red River Gorge area.  A Buckeyes idea of a "good time in the outdoors" is bringing as much beer as you can fit into 5 coolers, lugging it 10 miles into the backcountry, cutting down trees and building bonfires and hooping and hollerin in a drunken rage all night long.

As far as I'm concerned they could do it in their backyard but for some reason they think they have to come to one of the most beautiful places in the United States to do it........