Singles - how do you deal with being alone

[spurly]

You are sitting at home, and don't have much to do.  You've already cleaned the house from top to bottom - how do you spend your time? 

[janine]

You come over and clean my house? Heh.

Sometimes I long for a day when I can be alone with no one and nothing demanding my attention.

What a completely "other" side of the coin!

DO tell, y'all.

[tommy9691]

If we are truly Christian, we are never "alone."

Flesh begets Flesh - that's all. OK, so it's wonderful to have a mate, but if you take it apart, it appears to me that the more we desire "flesh," the les we desire the Spirit.

Tommy

[janine]

Yeah, I see truth in what you're saying --

But even in the midst of the perfection of the Garden, when the idea came up that it wasn't "good for Man to be alone", God's solution wasn't to tell Adam to suck it up and be happy with the alligators and antelopes -- and it wasn't even to invite Adam over to God's house more often.  the solution was to find Adam a body-and-soulmate.

So there's a real lack there.

I suggest that folks who can successfully submerge their longing for a partner into and under their love and longing for God are blessed indeed.  Not everyone copes that well.

[marc]

Some of us are just too young to think about getting married.  

[Dagan]

Amen, I don't need to get married anytime too soon, but hopefully kinda soon. You know what I mean.

[Lee Freeman]

Well, at  37, I ain't gettin' any younger. It sounds like a cliche' but I just can't meet anyone whose interested-the one girl I'm perfect for (and vice-versa) isn't interested in romance. I've tried a couple of singles websites but the only responses I'm getting are from people two thousand miles away in South Africa who only want a platonic friendship. I've really been struggling lately with trying to discern whether I'm supposed to be single the rest of my life or not. I don't want to be single, but I'm trying to be content in this condition as long as this condition lasts, and trying to get in the frame of mind that I'd be okay with it if that's what's supposed to happen. I've been prayin' hard but can't seem to discern the Lord's answer. Everywhere you look you're bombarded with all these images of cute smiling couples-or gorgeous single women you have absolutely no chance ever meeting.

Do I sound bitter? Hope not. 

I'm glad this forum's been created. As a single person what do I do in my spare time? Post in this forum.

Pax.

[s1n4m1n]

I married when I was 26 years old and up until I met my future spouse, I was a loser with women (and you can say I still am). I spent many a teary night wondering what was wrong with me. There were times I thought I was too ugly, too nerdy, too poor, and many other things. I even thought, for some strange reason, that maybe I was gay. Even though I've always tried to be a "nice guy" and gentleman most women wouldn't give me a second thought. They always wanted to be "just friends".

And that is where the problem lies. The "nice guy syndrome". Well that, and by this time your probably afraid to make a move on a girl for fear of rejection. If this sounds like you, I can only offer the following advice. You must get over your fear of rejection. The only way to do that is to come face to face with your fear. Since you've got so much free time, go to the mall (on an "off" evening), cruise around the stores and ask the female clerks for their phone numbers. Don't avoid the real pretty ones either. You might want to start with a little chit chat ("excuse me, how much is this shirt"). The idea isn't really to get a date but to face your fear, and to learn to communicate socially with women. Most women will not hand out their phone numbers to a complete stranger so expect a very high rejection rate.

As an aside, married life isn't all that its cracked up to be. Probably only 15% percent of marriages are truly "happy".

[DCR]

I've really been struggling lately with trying to discern whether I'm supposed to be single the rest of my life or not. I don't want to be single, but I'm trying to be content in this condition as long as this condition lasts, and trying to get in the frame of mind that I'd be okay with it if that's what's supposed to happen. I've been prayin' hard but can't seem to discern the Lord's answer. Everywhere you look you're bombarded with all these images of cute smiling couples-or gorgeous single women you have absolutely no chance ever meeting.

Do I sound bitter? Hope not. 

I'm glad this forum's been created. As a single person what do I do in my spare time? Post in this forum.

Pax.

Lee,

How did you get inside my head?  You summed up the thoughts, questions, and struggles I cope with as well.  I'll be 31 in a few days.  So much for being married by age 30.

It may be just me, but I get the feeling that meeting and marrying is harder these days than it was in past generations.  I don't know if that is the result of some basic immaturity among our generation, certain social dynamics, or what.

[DCR]

Even though I've always tried to be a "nice guy" and gentleman most women wouldn't give me a second thought. They always wanted to be "just friends".

And that is where the problem lies. The "nice guy syndrome".

Yeah, it does seem like a lot of women tend to be attracted to total jerks, for some reason.  But, that could be because jerks have more self-confidence and aren't afraid to pursue the girl.

[Bon Voyage]

You could try not being a nice guy.

For those who are CofC'ers, you could get involved in a Baptist singles ministry.

[mike]

Some of us are just too young to think about getting married.  

Don't tell me you're really only 11 years old, too!

[marc]

Some of us are just too young to think about getting married.  

Don't tell me you're really only 11 years old, too!

No.  I'm only 44.

[s1n4m1n]

Even though I've always tried to be a "nice guy" and gentleman most women wouldn't give me a second thought. They always wanted to be "just friends".

And that is where the problem lies. The "nice guy syndrome".

Yeah, it does seem like a lot of women tend to be attracted to total jerks, for some reason.  But, that could be because jerks have more self-confidence and aren't afraid to pursue the girl.

Well, I don't think one has to be a total jerk. It does seem that many women are attracted to the less savory men. Then again most single women nowadays probably are fornicators too (as are most men). Personally, I have a hard time reconciling Christian ethics with the modern American social dating scene.

The advice I gave isn't mine, however that's the advice I would follow if I weren't married now.

[s1n4m1n]

I've really been struggling lately with trying to discern whether I'm supposed to be single the rest of my life or not. I don't want to be single, but I'm trying to be content in this condition as long as this condition lasts, and trying to get in the frame of mind that I'd be okay with it if that's what's supposed to happen. I've been prayin' hard but can't seem to discern the Lord's answer. Everywhere you look you're bombarded with all these images of cute smiling couples-or gorgeous single women you have absolutely no chance ever meeting.

Do I sound bitter? Hope not. 

I'm glad this forum's been created. As a single person what do I do in my spare time? Post in this forum.

Pax.

Lee,

How did you get inside my head?  You summed up the thoughts, questions, and struggles I cope with as well.  I'll be 31 in a few days.  So much for being married by age 30.

It may be just me, but I get the feeling that meeting and marrying is harder these days than it was in past generations.  I don't know if that is the result of some basic immaturity among our generation, certain social dynamics, or what.

Getting married is probably as easy as its ever been, but meeting and marrying a virtuous woman is probably as hard as its ever been (in the U.S.).

[s1n4m1n]

You could try not being a nice guy.

For those who are CofC'ers, you could get involved in a Baptist singles ministry.

Its probably very hard for those in the CoC who are in their thirties to meet eligible members of the opposite sex.

Let see

coC membership  x those in age bracket (25 to 40) x those eligible = number of eligible members

1,500,00 x 0.2 x .2 = 60,000 spread throughout the U.S., but maybe half in the South.

[janine]

Get involved in groups that do what you like to do, or would like to learn to do.

Ballroom dancing.

Adobe building.

Big Brother/Big Sistering

Volunteering in any one of 1,000 settings -
hospitals
jails
schools
community centers for kids or elderly
parks & recreation centers
community theater
orchid raising
modelling
book clubs
writers' clubs
pet fanciers

keep thinking

[spurly]

As a preacher, when I get tired of sitting in the house, I just go visit people in the church.  They think I'm just doing my job - but I get to do my job and be around people at the same time.  Then when I want to retreat, I just head home.  Its a win-win situation. 

[EruditeJoy]

I find it shocking that such a seeminly simple question could create in me such a sudden feeling of angst.

It occurs to me that I don't really "cope" with being single and alone.  I rather enjoy it.  Perhaps too much.  I love, even prefer, to do things on my own: Go out to eat, go to a movie, go for a walk, read, pray....you name it I actually prefer to do it alone.  I'm very much a lover of my own company. 

I'd like to say that this is because I'm some spiritual giant and that I am "content in all things" because I only need Jesus, but this simply isn't so; I would love to be married and have a family.

THe sad truth, I believe, is that I am an isolationist.  We were created to be relational beings...to long for in depth fellowship with one another as well as fellowship with our Creator.  It occurs to me that something must really be broken inside of me that I don't seem to have this overwhelming desire.  I enjoy it when I have it, but I find that it exhausts me and I need to retreat to my "cave" to recouperate.

I live 2,600 miles away from my family...I have no family here in Ohio.  I speak to them on the phone and I don't long for them as they seem to long for me.  I don't really "miss" people in the traditional way.  Wow, that's frightening. I don't know how or when I became so disconnected.

Only Child Syndrome or just plain selfishness and an unwillingness to surrender my autonomy?  I suspect the latter.

I'm quite certain I've strayed off topic.  So...what do I do with my alone time?  I read....a LOT.

[msbradley]

This is the 3rd place I've ended up today and I really need to get going!!!

I haven't given this much thought as to how to express this right now, but I don't get the "when you're with another it draws away for God". That's not actually a quote, but so many people want to use a line similar. If that were honestly the case, we wouldn't be so shocked about the high divorce rate and I believe my God would help soothe me if I was in prayer (lots) to him about something he didn't want me to have a desire for. (Sidebar...I know from reading a lot of y'all's opinions elsewhere that you're going to quote scripture to my quickness here.) I really do have to get busy, I'm heading to a weeding in another town. I'm sure I'll be back here tonight when I should be sleeping.
That's just me.

[Lee Freeman]

msbradley I'm not going to quote scripture (or Alexander Campbell), I'm going to agree with you. God created man as physical beings (body/soul/spirit) in a physical universe. Then he created marriage and said go, procreate! I'd think that anything God created he has a vested interest in, which definitely includes marriage.

There's an unhealthy dichotomy or wedge that's often driven between "flesh" and "spirit," which isn't biblical. People often go to unhealthy extremes spiritually, which in my mind is simply re-packaged Gnosticism. Gnostics believed that physical relationships were at best a distraction from more important spiritual pursuits and at worst, downright evil.

Pax.

[msbradley]

OH NO! I am eating a bowl of ice cream with frozen banana and chocolate syrup! I hope that isn't my answer as to what I do to "cope"!

I have been single most of my life, all but 4 and a half years. I enjoy my life immensely. I have four great kids, 3 married with kids, 1 teenage son.
I have always been independent. Too independent when I was younger- I used to have a disease- The "I don't need a man, we can do just fine without any stupid man, they aren't worth anything anyway" disease.

About 11 or so years ago, I decided it was me that was broken and therefore thought I didn't deserve better. Even when I had a good guy and a bad guy interested in me, I always chose the bad.

I stayed away from any attempts at relationships for all this time. Learning what was missing in my life, learning about Jesus and what He wants from me and for me (we're still on this chapter).

My first ex-husband (there are 2 of them-well, 1 is 1st, the other is worst, supposed to be a ha ha there) ok, My first ex-husband still tells me I did nothing wrong, that he knows it was all him that messed up. My second told me just a few months ago that he has regrets. I was the type that  liked this, this and this about you, but didn't like this, this and this. But, that's OK, he'll change. But the things that really needed changing were the foundational stuff-Jesus-neither had, but neither did I. You know, I don't even feel like going through all that! I've been divorced for more than 16 years and I have gotten nothing but better since. I still have a long way to go, but I'm headed UP the ladder and I'm not getting off or going down.

I want to be married. Forever and ever. Amen!! I don't know how to describe what I do, but if I come across someone who might be a prospect, I start evaluating them. Do they have integrity? Could/do I trust them? What is their makeup? Do they love the Lord and let it exude? Oh, I love to be in the presence of a man that loves Jesus and shows it. I love to hear a man pray to our glorious Savior, to sing to our Creator, raise his hands in praise to the ONLY ONE who sustains us. Who better to be around than Jesus Himself. That wasn't a question.

I wonder if I have my sights set too high. My story (testimony) is not a great story. I lived day by day with no direction. I was a good person. I taught my kids right from wrong. I taught them love and responsibility. I taught them not to lie, cheat and steal, etc. I did not teach them the most important things that everyone on earth needs and that is JESUS!!! I used to think I grew up not believing in God. In the past year, I have realized I just grew up no knowing God. I heard of Him. I had never been introduced to him. I grew up on a street where the neighbor to the East of us had a front and backyard filled with beautiful flowers all around the edges of the yards. Our yards had shrubs, rose bushes and a Mimosa tree. The neighbor on the West side of us had 1 tree in their front, and that was it. I grew up thinking everyone just bought what was already there. Some had flowers, some had shrubs and roses, some had just a tree. Same thing with Jesus, some had good lives where they did have Jesus, some didn't;t. Like it was a thing for some and not others. Not a choice, but either you had it or you didn't. I'M TRYING TO MAKE SENSE HERE, BUT I THINK I'M NOT SUCCEEDING!   

I never rejected Him, I'd just never been introduced to him. I'd been to parties (church)  where He was, but I didn't know how to introduce myself to Him. I was hungry but oh so SHY! I would be so frustrated because I'd feel it was time for me to go foreward, but I couldn't! I had no idea what to do if I ever did make it to the front of the auditorium. What would I tell the minister? What was he going to say to me or ask me? There was no way I could ever imagine me taking a journey to the front of the church. One Sunday morning, we were singing the Invitational #300 The Savior is Waiting. Man I used to sing that with all my heart and cry through the entire Hymn, well, finally, one Sunday morning, I was freaking out my kids because they had no idea where mom was going in the middle of the song! The second I stood up there with my minister (of whom I love and trust) I felt a calmness come over me that I had never experienced in my entire life. My story is so beautiful to me. But not to the one I want for the rest of my life. I even had a friend tell me it's OK for me to remember where I came from (which I do agree), but to keep it to myself, because it's not a pretty story for others to hear if I'm not actually trying to turn someone to Christ.) Like a really good man (that I want) would get turned off because my story is too full of bad choices.

I haven't dated for probably almost 12 years. In the past year and a half, I have started opening myself up, but all the fish that want my hook, I'm not interested in and the one I want doesn't want me. I'm not a top 10'er, but I would be forever honored to get to love, cherish and obey til death do us part.

Wow, I'm finished with my ice cream and realize I just ranted about nothing I had intended.

I live my life just like I need to. I go to work, love to cook for friends and talk, talk, talk to them. I fulfill my responsibilities to my son and my home. I read and study my Bible, love to listen to music. I love to hear sermons. I love to dig deeper in to what makes me be me and see where change for the better is needed. I love to give my all and get your all. I do not care for superficialities at all. I want all or nothing,(and I guarantee you, I settle for nothing quite often).

Since I can't stay on the topic, I just better quit. I'm heading to the games. Oh yeah, I love to play games with friends, even though I don't do it to win, just to have fun.

[starla]

Who wants to deal with being alone? It's very tough to be content in being single  when you have to face seeing a happy couple holding hands and being together .I deal with this all of the time,especially in my family . My cousin just got married and I have to look at them being soooo lovey dovey . Why me Lord? Why can't I be one of those women who has found the right mate.When will my prayers be answered?
I ponder of the answers from these questions I myself struggle with daily.

[msbradley]

I guess I've turned to whining about it on a message board.

[spurly]

I guess I've turned to whining about it on a message board.

[msbradley]

Too bad I can't delete that silly little man rolling around on the floor.

[christian26]

what if you want to be around Christians  but you have no CAR?

[starla]

what if you want to be around Christians  but you have no CAR?

I don't have a car and I don't go to the single meetings that my church often have because I don't like to bother them for a ride. I makes me feel like I am burdening them because they all have cars and I don't. Plus they don't invite me anyway nor ask me if I want to go to whatever they are having and in offering me a ride. I have an interest in going to this singles seminar they are having at my church sometime in January of 2007. I can always go to that on the public transit bus in my hometown.I am pretty sure it is going to be on a Saturday at an hour that the public transit buses are running.

[christian26]

my Church there are no Singles, there are really no young peoples nither and we don't have meeting, so it hard for me to join in at Church, the Church I use to go to might have Activity, but the Church I go to now they don't have Activity

[starla]

my Church there are no Singles, there are really no young peoples nither and we don't have meeting, so it hard for me to join in at Church, the Church I use to go to might have Activity, but the Church I go to now they don't have Activity

A couple of years ago when I was a member of another Church of Christ congregation here in my hometown,I use to visit different Churches of Christ where they would have small bible study groups in their houses on Sunday evening. Maybe you can find another Church of Christ that's in your town, that probably have events or bible studies for singles.

[christian26]

the Church I go to now is 4miles from us, the Church I use to go to is about 10miles, I started going to Church with mom and dad because I have no way of going to the other Church.

[starla]

the Church I go to now is 4miles from us, the Church I use to go to is about 10miles, I started going to Church with mom and dad because I have no way of going to the other Church.

In my hometown,the church that I attend, is like a long way to walk from my house like going past 10 to 20 stores before arriving at the church. The only people that the church van picks up are me and my mom and this 95 year old lady who uses a walker that lives in one of these retirement homes. The church van also picks up some elderly ladies that live right next door to the church. Some of them walk to the church and some of them ride the van. Is the town that you live in is small?

[christian26]

we are a DOT on the MAP,

[spurly]

May your DOT increase to a DOT.

[divinediva]

I hate being alone. I know God is with me, but when I cook every day for 1, go out to eat for 1, enjoy movies and other entertainment for 1 --- alone isn't so great.

I love my girlfriends, but I need male companionship for balance in life. God's word says it is not good for man to be alone. Yet I'm alone all the time. The times I need human interaction the most it seems to not be available.

I'm sad, I'm depressed about it and I pray every day for the Lord to help me. I grew up in a family where there was always a lot of people around. At 36, I have found myself alone in every way imaginable.

I'm trying hard not to throw a pity party, but it's getting harder and harder to avoid it.