Do you like it when someone tries to set you up?

[spurly]

I was making a hospital call the other day and the daughter of the lady I went to visit tried to hook me up with a friend of theirs while I was in the hospital room.  Uggghhh.  That is the one thing that I desperately hate about being single - the fact that everyone else has someone they think you ought to meet.  And the problem seems to be compounded for people in ministry. 

The way I typically handle it is just to be polite and move on in the discussion.  How do you all handle the person who is trying to hook you up with a friend of theirs that they think "youwould just love" or "you would get along great with"?

[marc]

I have had some unearthly experiences of the type that make you say, "do they really think that little of me?" 

A couple of times it's been okay, though nothing ever really works out.

[msbradley]

Hey, the button says "reply". So, I'm replying, just not to your question in the way you would expect. I mean for this post to be nothing but respect for you. Please take it that way.

Spurly, you are a nice man. 6 foot something, 3?? You have a nice sized body. You have beautiful eyes. Nice dark hair. You are a cutely handsome man as well.
You are a man devoted to living your life for our wonderful savior. You actively answer your calling to seek and save the lost and help the hurting. You have a great big heart. My list of your goodness goes on and on.

Even one of my friends told my at work Bible study group that when you enter a room, you bring great presence. She said "there's just something about him." A couple of months ago, a man at church told me I always get noticed when I enter a room. I told him he was crazy. Because, when I think of someone being noticed entering a room, I always think of you. I always noticed you when you entered a room.

I honestly only say good things about you to others. I mainly only think good things about you. I do get mad at you. You do frustrate me sometimes, but I do not talk bad about you to anyone. I remember some of the assumptions or wonders one of my friends made of you that I shared with you. Your reply was something like "and he doesn't even know me". I promise I didn't talk bad about you. I just talked about you. It's in some of the describing I did of your actions or non-actions that gave James negative thoughts about you.

You relate to people so great when you are teaching or preaching or reaching.
But, you have to admit (surely you do even if only to yourself) that there is still some part of that shy little boy inside you that is so afraid to let many know the WHOLE REAL YOU. Honestly, does anyone really know the WRY? I know, Jill tried to teach me, on Sunday mornings over a year ago, that people should have boundaries. I'm just not a good fence builder, so I forget others have fences.

I think I came closer to getting to know the WRY than anyone else where you used to live. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way declaring that I know the WRY. I am just saying I think I was pretty fortunate to get to know some of you that others didn't. I, at least, have many people in my church that don't like me because you and I are friends. I wouldn't dare let any of them know I even still talk with you because of how hateful they were/would be/are.

You were fun and funny. I felt safe with you. I knew you wouldn't do anything that would compromise anything for or about you or me. I felt comfortable with you. I enjoyed your company. You were with me when I would cry or be angry or scared or mad. You saw me be ugly. You let me be me and I would have let you be you. I enjoyed everything there was about you. I would be used to getting to talk to you 10 times in a day, then all of a sudden, without warning or explanation, you'd be gone, you'd have rules to follow and you couldn't be "you" anymore. Last December, at my home, I asked you if I was going to get to know the WRY and you told me you didn't know. If you don't know, who does?

You act like people are so wrong in trying to set you up with people. It's just a normal thing for people to think people want to be with people.

You are a really great guy. God is well pleased with you. Why do you not want to share you with someone else? Why would you think God doesn't want you to share yourself with someone else? Why won't you give people a chance? You say you don't need anybody. What if someone needs you? What if someone wants you. What if someone loves you for who you are and what you stand for? Why do you act like that is a bad thing?

I have a friend who wanted to set me up with his brother. His brother is a private pilot for some very well known people here. I have told my friend no for almost 2 years. He was sure enough time had passed (since April 7th), so he set me up without me suspecting. We all went to the Czech Festival together Saturday. It was not fun. It was embarrassing and humiliating. But, I didn't ignore the situation. I politely told his brother I was sorry if he had been given the impression that I knew about this set up, because I didn't and I told him I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. When my friend had finally had too much to drink (IMHO) he started in with I need to get a life. That I'm lonely, that he doesn't want me to be alone anymore, that I deserve to be with someone who can treat me good and make me happy. I told them I am happy, that I am full of JOY that comes from my savior. I told them I am broken and the only one who I will have take on the responsibility of having a relationship with me while I am broken is my Healer, the One and Only, who died on the cross for me and told me I just had to come to Him as I was and He would fix me and I would end up where He wants me.
THAT is where you and I butt heads.
You don't share your non desires. You don't tell people with words. You back away, or disappear. I've seen you in situations, you can't get by with me in saying you tell people you're not interested, I know better!!. I'm sure you remember some that I do. You having to walk around on the window side of my dining room table to get away from one who was even still married. Did you ever finally tell her you weren't interested? She still has to come hug me on Sunday mornings...Really, Spurly, have you ever SAID, you know, USED WORDS, to tell someone you weren't interested?
A friend at my day job wanted to have me meet a single attorney that works where I do. When he asked if he could, I TOLD HIM NO, that I was not interested!!! He hasn't mentioned it again. Words really do work for most people.

I remember the night I unexpectedly found out that women in our church ran after you. I remember  the more than an hour and a half of listening to this poor woman's year long saga with you. I remember telling myself if we have that kind of minister in our church, something surely needs to be straightened out. I remember meeting you at a football game to tell you what I'd heard and you explaining  the "real" side. We talked almost the entire football game about this woman's delusions. I remember telling you if I didn't think better of you, I would have thought you were a player.

I learned you are truly a nice, caring man and just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or maybe was afraid they'd go to the Senior minister, oh, I think I recall that some did.  I've been told they went to him about me, so they surely went to him about you.

So, to acknowledge and answer your question, "How do you all handle the person who is trying to hook you up...?" I would think this would be the general consensus with normal people... You just tell them your sorry, but you're just not interested in having a relationship or even dating at this time in my life. (If that's really the case.) And, if it's not really the case, seek some inside probing about what makes your trigger triggerless. (I remember reading one of your posts where you used 'trips your trigger") Do you have a nickel or do you want me to send you one? (I also remember you telling me if you had a nickel for each time you were given unsolicited advice...)

Love ya. I wrote this lightheartedly, so be nice.

[DCR]

 

[mike]

 

(*gulp*)

[spurly]

My, my, my.  Yes I have told both of the people you are referring to (L & J) that I am not interested.  It didn't seem to help.  I'll be looking for the nickel (just joking).

[zoonance]

This is the first time I have hopped into the singles (only?) area.  We kind of set our son up with a young lady and they are getting married in January.  I would not want to be "set" up with everybody either!  But, the internet dating services are trying to do what your flesh and blood family and friends are trying to do.  Maybe Mr. (Mrs) right is in cyperspace, or maybe working in the office of a friend. 

[Bon Voyage]

Well,

DCR and Spurly.  Wiley has these two daughters......

[EruditeJoy]

Hey, the button says "reply". So, I'm replying, just not to your question in the way you would expect. I mean for this post to be nothing but respect for you. Please take it that way.

Spurly, you are a nice man. 6 foot something, 3?? You have a nice sized body. You have beautiful eyes. Nice dark hair. You are a cutely handsome man as well.
You are a man devoted to living your life for our wonderful savior. You actively answer your calling to seek and save the lost and help the hurting. You have a great big heart. My list of your goodness goes on and on.

Even one of my friends told my at work Bible study group that when you enter a room, you bring great presence. She said "there's just something about him." A couple of months ago, a man at church told me I always get noticed when I enter a room. I told him he was crazy. Because, when I think of someone being noticed entering a room, I always think of you. I always noticed you when you entered a room.

I honestly only say good things about you to others. I mainly only think good things about you. I do get mad at you. You do frustrate me sometimes, but I do not talk bad about you to anyone. I remember some of the assumptions or wonders one of my friends made of you that I shared with you. Your reply was something like "and he doesn't even know me". I promise I didn't talk bad about you. I just talked about you. It's in some of the describing I did of your actions or non-actions that gave James negative thoughts about you.

You relate to people so great when you are teaching or preaching or reaching.
But, you have to admit (surely you do even if only to yourself) that there is still some part of that shy little boy inside you that is so afraid to let many know the WHOLE REAL YOU. Honestly, does anyone really know the WRY? I know, Jill tried to teach me, on Sunday mornings over a year ago, that people should have boundaries. I'm just not a good fence builder, so I forget others have fences.

I think I came closer to getting to know the WRY than anyone else where you used to live. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way declaring that I know the WRY. I am just saying I think I was pretty fortunate to get to know some of you that others didn't. I, at least, have many people in my church that don't like me because you and I are friends. I wouldn't dare let any of them know I even still talk with you because of how hateful they were/would be/are.

You were fun and funny. I felt safe with you. I knew you wouldn't do anything that would compromise anything for or about you or me. I felt comfortable with you. I enjoyed your company. You were with me when I would cry or be angry or scared or mad. You saw me be ugly. You let me be me and I would have let you be you. I enjoyed everything there was about you. I would be used to getting to talk to you 10 times in a day, then all of a sudden, without warning or explanation, you'd be gone, you'd have rules to follow and you couldn't be "you" anymore. Last December, at my home, I asked you if I was going to get to know the WRY and you told me you didn't know. If you don't know, who does?

You act like people are so wrong in trying to set you up with people. It's just a normal thing for people to think people want to be with people.

You are a really great guy. God is well pleased with you. Why do you not want to share you with someone else? Why would you think God doesn't want you to share yourself with someone else? Why won't you give people a chance? You say you don't need anybody. What if someone needs you? What if someone wants you. What if someone loves you for who you are and what you stand for? Why do you act like that is a bad thing?

I have a friend who wanted to set me up with his brother. His brother is a private pilot for some very well known people here. I have told my friend no for almost 2 years. He was sure enough time had passed (since April 7th), so he set me up without me suspecting. We all went to the Czech Festival together Saturday. It was not fun. It was embarrassing and humiliating. But, I didn't ignore the situation. I politely told his brother I was sorry if he had been given the impression that I knew about this set up, because I didn't and I told him I'm just not interested in dating anyone right now. When my friend had finally had too much to drink (IMHO) he started in with I need to get a life. That I'm lonely, that he doesn't want me to be alone anymore, that I deserve to be with someone who can treat me good and make me happy. I told them I am happy, that I am full of JOY that comes from my savior. I told them I am broken and the only one who I will have take on the responsibility of having a relationship with me while I am broken is my Healer, the One and Only, who died on the cross for me and told me I just had to come to Him as I was and He would fix me and I would end up where He wants me.
THAT is where you and I butt heads.
You don't share your non desires. You don't tell people with words. You back away, or disappear. I've seen you in situations, you can't get by with me in saying you tell people you're not interested, I know better!!. I'm sure you remember some that I do. You having to walk around on the window side of my dining room table to get away from one who was even still married. Did you ever finally tell her you weren't interested? She still has to come hug me on Sunday mornings...Really, Spurly, have you ever SAID, you know, USED WORDS, to tell someone you weren't interested?
A friend at my day job wanted to have me meet a single attorney that works where I do. When he asked if he could, I TOLD HIM NO, that I was not interested!!! He hasn't mentioned it again. Words really do work for most people.

I remember the night I unexpectedly found out that women in our church ran after you. I remember  the more than an hour and a half of listening to this poor woman's year long saga with you. I remember telling myself if we have that kind of minister in our church, something surely needs to be straightened out. I remember meeting you at a football game to tell you what I'd heard and you explaining  the "real" side. We talked almost the entire football game about this woman's delusions. I remember telling you if I didn't think better of you, I would have thought you were a player.

I learned you are truly a nice, caring man and just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, or maybe was afraid they'd go to the Senior minister, oh, I think I recall that some did.  I've been told they went to him about me, so they surely went to him about you.

So, to acknowledge and answer your question, "How do you all handle the person who is trying to hook you up...?" I would think this would be the general consensus with normal people... You just tell them your sorry, but you're just not interested in having a relationship or even dating at this time in my life. (If that's really the case.) And, if it's not really the case, seek some inside probing about what makes your trigger triggerless. (I remember reading one of your posts where you used 'trips your trigger") Do you have a nickel or do you want me to send you one? (I also remember you telling me if you had a nickel for each time you were given unsolicited advice...)

Love ya. I wrote this lightheartedly, so be nice.

Gee, I disappear for a few weeks and I miss the good stuff!!!  ::checking to see if Spurly is    ::


For what it's worth I also hate being fixed up.  A few people I know at church, however, have been chastising me for not "getting out" enough, so I allowed them to set me up on 2 dates last week.

Can you say, "D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R"?!  I cannot IMAGINE what these ladies thought I would have in common with these men!!  I asked one lady as much. 

She said, "Oh, I'm so disappointed!  I just KNEW you would have so much in common!" 

"Why is that?" I asked.

Her response:  "Well, you're both black."   


I couldn't say anything.  I could only stare at her. I had NO idea what to say!

So how, exactly, does this logic work??  "Oh look...he's black....she's black...it's a set!  Like a pair of burnt pot holders!"   Oye vey!


I'm with you, Spurly.  I've had a few nice dates from fix ups; but, generally, they suck.

[Bon Voyage]

She said, "Oh, I'm so disappointed!  I just KNEW you would have so much in common!" 

"Why is that?" I asked.

Her response:  "Well, you're both black."   


I couldn't say anything.  I could only stare at her. I had NO idea what to say!

So how, exactly, does this logic work??  "Oh look...he's black....she's black...it's a set!  Like a pair of burnt pot holders!"   Oye vey!

That just made my day.

[Veryforgottenguy]

I would LOVE it IF it were to happen. Not once EVER in my enitre life has someone tried to set me up or introduce me to somoeone. Of course as noted in the physical description of the guy above, I am the total opposite: short (by male height standards), thin, not very masculine looking and I know women who have more hair on their legs than me. BUT, this IS the way God made me.

This is the biggest battle I have in my Christian life. I think everyone in my church knows I really want to be married and have kids, but I get NO introductions there too. But what God wants and what I want are two differeing things.

I often wonder now if I am not falling off the wagon (so-to-speak) over my simple and unfulfilled desire. I often question this one with the LOrd asking Him "why did you make me this way to desire these things AND desire them YOUR way, if there appears to be NO WAY for me to ever attain them???"

God's purposes are greater than mine as is His greatness, vision and plan. BUT as a little lonely sheep down here on this Earth, I often feel forgotten and wonder if the only way I can experience God's love in human physical form is through a prostitute, because no one seems to want me. This despite many comments like "you are a very nice guy." "You are very good with children!" Yes, I know this.

How ironic and maybe cruel that a guy who seems to have an undeniable gift with kids has never had even a chance to have any of his own.

Sometimes in order to know someone loves you, you need to see or feel it. Sometimes I wonder about God loving me, for simply the fact I have lived such an utterly painful lonely life. And HE made me in such a way in that the only women who seem to pay attention to me are the ones who are looking to be paid.

YES! I'd love to get set up by someone. IT WOULD BE A FIRST!

[janine]

I "know" -- hah, the way we know people we communicate with online --

I know a very nice guy, "S", who loves kids, and who is smallish-statured and maybe a bit shy-looking -- certainly bookish-looking --

And he "met", as we say, a lovely lady who would have been quite a bit taller than he anyway, but who also is very very well-rounded, mostly because of her PCOS condition that makes it hard to lose weight, and hard to get pregnant.

You guessed it -- "B", lovely professional person, was dying to meet a real man, one who would love her and want a family and appreciate her -- but appeared to have trouble with that because most guys took a look at the "package" and didn't stick around long enough to notice the treasure inside.

Meanwhile studious-looking, slight "S" wasn't having a great time either, finding someone.

And they were on two different continents anyway.

SO they met, amongst some online aquaintances of mine --

And hit it off, enjoyed chatting.

After a while there was time for long conversations, and exchanges of photos, and stuff like that.

And then they met, and liked each other just fine, size differences and all.

It wasn't long before plans were made -- they were married -- I'm not sure if they've really permanently decided to live on one continent or the other, maybe keeping up connections on both --

And they did have a hard road doing the fertility treatments B. needed, it wasn't easy, there was pain and there were tears along the way.

But now they've been ecstatically married for quite a while, and they have a beautiful thriving baby girl.

And it's all because two unlikely people met in a very unlikely way, via the Internet.

So, if I were single and "looking", I would enjoy being "set up" -- but I'd have to have it done my way.

I'd have to be invited to dinner in a group with the person they want me to meet.  Preferably at the home of the setter-upper.  That way I don't have to depend upon some other person's estimation of what we might have in common (like we're both white, maybe -- hah!  that was priceless, E-Joy!).  I would have others handy to provide more conversation.

And I would also not be depending on anybody else's estimation of whether or not that man is someone I ought to be out alone with. even in a public place.

And I will never doubt the possibilities of meeting someone online.  See what Lee "Admin" Wilson has to offer with his singles website.

[msbradley]

VFG, we don't need your kind here. JUST JOKING!!
There are a few single people here. Some have your sentiments about wanting so to be married. I, too, know I'd make a good spouse. It doesn't matter how nice we are, how much of an asset we'd be if no one will give us the opportunity. I pray about it sometimes. Thank goodness not all the time. When I'm really weak and lonely is when I cry out for understanding.
I have never been setup by a friend, either. I just recently was introduced to a man through his sister, but she didn't know me. We just talked for a brief time Downtown one day. Her brother was really nice (actually he IS not WAS). He just wasn't my type. He was real easy going. Didn't seem to mind stepping down to my world, but his world was too extravagant for me. Two years ago, he quit paying his ex-wife $2000 a month
for their son. He's in his 2nd year of college. Everyone has trusts, extravagant everything and I was quite uncomfortable around that. Very nice, friendly people, but totally different lifestyles.
I hope you are exaggerating when you mention prostitutes. That is no place to go or even think about going. You are Christ's child and He doesn't want you to do that. You have to stand firm, do the right thing. Maybe he's telling you to be more obedient, even if it's just with your thoughts. At least, that's what I ask of you. Don't go there even with your mind.
I'd love to have someone to be with. But I'd rather do without before I did something that was not what God wanted-a sexual union between 1 husband and 1 wife.
I'm praying for you.  
The guy who runs this site has one for singles- realChristiansingles.com . Go there for a start.

[Jon-Marc]

I married the wrong person (twice) because of someone else's advice. People should mind their own business.