Doing the Right Thing

[Trusting Him]

This is difficult and I don't know exactly where to start.  I have been a Christian for eleven years.  My wife of thirty years died some three years ago.  I remarried a year ago, to a woman I met on a Christian internet site.  I love her dearly and we get along wonderfully, but I am not physically attracted to her and this "something missing" plagues me at times.  I don't think that I made a mistake, and I keep praying that He will allow me to feel this attraction for my new wife as I did for my first wife.  I guess that covers the basics in a nutshell.  I probably will post more in the days to come.  Thanks and God bless.

[tjclaud]

Welcome!  I'm glad you're here.  I don't have any advise, but I hope others may be able to help and encourage you.  I'll pray.

[peck]

Trusting Him,
It seems that you see the real beauty in this person..that goes deeper than the phsyical attraction..That's love

Does your wife want more intimacy or is it more your concern..It seems from your brief information that your marriage is built on a firm foundation unless one or the other is dissatisfied..then,a professional counselor would be in order..I would not compare her looks with your last wife..It seems that you have found a gem and I wish you both well...

Thank you for sharing..that's what christianity is all about..

God bless you...Peck

[Trusting Him]

This is a very complicated situation for me.  I am happy with my current wife, but I do feel something missing.  I try not to dwell on it, but I can't help but compare my feelings with those I had for my first wife and, to a much lesser extent, for another woman I dated briefly after her death (I realize that this was only infatuation, not love).  I know that this situation hurts my wife; it makes her feel inadequate; and it puts pressure on her to "beautify"herself by losing weight, etc.  I feel that God has tried to teach me all my adult life that the physical is not as important as I have made it out to be.  I think that he is still trying to teach me.

[peck]

Trusting Him,
I sense a bit of immaturity in your relationship with your wife...Real life is a relationship ..being men,we are attracted to visual a lot more than women...but you made a choice and your wife saw something beautiful in you...You may be good looking but that's not the most important reason that she married you...Women look deeper than the surface...

She deserves better..How hurt she must be with you bringing out these childish remarks about her not coming up to your last wife and girlfriend..You have an honest heart which you need to take to a professional or pastor or a self help group....Be kind and loving to her today and express some feelings that would compliment her attributes...

If you dislike my butting in,just tell me..I just sense a beautiful marriage being weakened by immaturity..but it's none of my buisness..

God bless,Peck

[memmy]

Good advice Peck!

Welcome TH.

To to be honest, your name is a good one, but in your attitude towards your loving wife, it seems contradictory to it.

Seems as if you are comparing everything to something that you can't have back again. It is a common thing to do, but responsibly so, you need to realize that sometimes we only remember the good things that we don't have anymore, and completely want to forget that nothing is ever as perfect as we think it was.

In life, we must learn to accept what we perceive as bad right alongside what we perceieve as the good things.

Nothng is perfect in this world.

May I ask, what kind of relationship do you have personally with our Father in Heaven?

Blessings, Memmy

[mandalee65]

I've only been married seven years, but I am learning something very important:

Attraction is often a choice. There are times I am not even remotely attracted to my husband (like when he's had Dr Pepper and Doritos and then brushed his teeth - ew!) but when I make the choice to love him and find the things that are attractive, the things that annoy me become less and less important. It's a daily thing. Love is a choice, and physical attraction is part of it. Thank goodness he still finds me attractive!

I can say from a woman's perspective that feeling rejected because of your physical appearance is one of the deepest hurts you can experience. Our culture focuses so much on outer beauty that no matter how spiritually grounded a woman is, it is very difficult not to feel that pressure to look airbrushed perfect.

Focus on her inward beauty, and I believe you will begin to see her outward beauty as well. BTW - beauty can be a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts - a woman who is made to feel beautiful will radiate like she is beautiful.

[msbradley]

Mandalee, that was beautiful!!
From the heart, indeed!!

Trusting, I pray you ask the Lord to intervene and help you see your wife from the inside out. What a beautiful way to love someone. It is the inside that makes us. The outer is just a shell.

I am not attractive. It is such a compliment to have a man show interest in me because of what he sees with his heart. I'd much rather have someone be interested in me for what I am rather than what I look like.

Trusting, treat her how your heart sees her. Your eyes will soon follow.

[Trusting Him]

Thanks for all of the comments so far.  This is what I need -- Christian perspective beyond that of myself, my wife, and my counselor. I knew that if I brought this up with those who in the World, the reaction would be, "why the heck did you do that?" I have my good days and my bad days -- and the bad ones are bad -- but I know that the enemy is behind the thoughts that plague me, and that makes it easier to fight back with His help.  Thanks again and any and all comments are welcome.  And Peck, don't apologize for your advice.  That's what I signed on for. Thanks again and God bless,

TH

[janine]

I can tell you this for sure -- I have made a bit of a study of the matter --

And I can agree 100% that a woman who is courted and treasured and told she is beautiful and appreciated and loved will BECOME more beautiful.

She will make more efforts to lose weight -- really, the scale and an amount of weight may not be important to her -- but she will make more efforts to be more physical, more fit, more healthy, more active, more flexible -- and she will have more interest in lovemaking.

Her smiles will be more frequent, her moods will be lighter, she will do 100 little things in a day even without thinking consciously about it to keep herself more attractive.

This is all to your benefit.

Find the beautiful things about her and get to complimenting.  Give her "I" statements.

"I sure am proud that a kind woman like you chose me.  Some men I know have such shrews for wives."

"I really feel valuable around here when you take the time from your busy day to put my favorite pot roast in the crock pot, or pick up my favorite ice cream for desert.  A little thing like that can make my day."

"I noticed your comfy old sweater -- the one that really brings out your eyes -- is getting a little worn.  Winter's coming, so how about you and I go shopping this weekend, and we'll find you a new sweater or jacket in that color?"

Next gift-giving occasion, give her a gift card for a spa day at one of those places that will do her hair and nails and massage her and stuff like that.  A simple thing like a fresh haircut & color, a pedicure, etc., will make her feel more beautiful, and so she will be more beautiful.

And her bright feelings will translate into benefits for you.

[msbradley]

Amen!!! to Janine's comments!!! So true!!!

[janine]

Let me state it even more clearly.

If you invest a little in her -- a little time, a few sincere compliments, a little fond pride, finding a mentally stimulating activity to do together -- 

This will make her absolutely bloom.

And you will find yourself finding her more desireable all the time.

[segell]

I've only been married seven years, but I am learning something very important:

Attraction is often a choice. There are times I am not even remotely attracted to my husband (like when he's had Dr Pepper and Doritos and then brushed his teeth - ew!) but when I make the choice to love him and find the things that are attractive, the things that annoy me become less and less important. It's a daily thing. Love is a choice, and physical attraction is part of it. Thank goodness he still finds me attractive!

I can say from a woman's perspective that feeling rejected because of your physical appearance is one of the deepest hurts you can experience. Our culture focuses so much on outer beauty that no matter how spiritually grounded a woman is, it is very difficult not to feel that pressure to look airbrushed perfect.

Focus on her inward beauty, and I believe you will begin to see her outward beauty as well. BTW - beauty can be a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts - a woman who is made to feel beautiful will radiate like she is beautiful.

You are a wise young woman.  And your husband is blessed.

[ConnieLard]

I just keep thinking how hurtful it would be to your wife if she knew her husband was posting his intimate feelings re: her on this site.  Since you met her via internet, she must have internet skills and could run across this.  Aren't you concerned about discussing something like this on such a public forum? 

[zoonance]

Good point.  Of course, saying "I am not attracted to you physically" is not the kind of intimacy one should share with their spouse,  at least not directly!  (Unless, there were specific things - like dr pepper and doritos in the teeth)  My wife gags if I have a wintergreen lifesaver because it "feels" like pepto bismol.  I can avoid wintergreen lifesavers.  To not be turned on physically to your spouse is a tough one.  Immature as it may be labeled, it is still a fact.  Gross is not the same as unattractive.  Gross is pus running out of her nose.  THat isn;t immature. But expecting her to look like Catherine Zeta Jones is immature.  We all experience some attraction to our mates or we would never have likely to make a move in the first place.  Beauty is only skin deep is both obvious and mostly true (unless gross or has the personality of a witch)  IF she finds you attractive and wants to be physical with you, count your many blessings!  Look past the package.  Its the contents you wanted!  Hope this rambling helped.  Beautiful women who are jerks (or other inappropriate term to be applied here) are far uglier and disgusting.

[janine]

I just keep thinking how hurtful it would be to your wife if she knew her husband was posting his intimate feelings re: her on this site.  Since you met her via internet, she must have internet skills and could run across this.  Aren't you concerned about discussing something like this on such a public forum? 

Connie, I really do understand where you're coming from -- but couldn't the same apply to any and every similar post here?  If we delete all possible sensitive info from the boards I guess maybe we'll be left with a recipe thread...

[ConnieLard]

Sometimes a little discretion is in order when you are dealing with sensitive issues like this, don't you think?  Is there nothing that is too sensitive or intimate to discuss in a public forum?

[kalen]

I agree with janine, my thougths exactly.

Are there some things too intimate to discuss in a public forum?  The answer would be different for everyone, I imagine.  We all have differences of opinion on propriety and respect.

[Bon Voyage]

I don't want to be labeled a jerk, but I wouldn't have married my wife if I didn't have a physical attraction for her.

So, I don't have any advice for this situation.

[zoonance]

Since recipes were brought up.   How about sharing some favorites.  Sounds like a whole category of its own.  However, if it sounds delicious, one must be willing to mail me a sample!

[ConnieLard]

I don't want to be labeled a jerk, but I wouldn't have married my wife if I didn't have a physical attraction for her.

So, I don't have any advice for this situation.

Actually, that was my first thought when I read the initial post.  Why would you marry someone you don't find physically attractive?

[ConnieLard]

And as far as propriety and respect goes, if it's a subject that affects only the person posting and they want to share it, that's one thing.  But, when it gets into discussing someone else that could be hurt by what is said, that's something else entirely, imo.

[zoonance]

Good point.  Sort of the "right" to talk behind someone's back.  You can talk all you want about me by the way.  Pick a post I never visit and you guys can have a field day!

[janine]

If I were a "pop", "armchair quaterback" sort of psychologist, I would say our guy married his second wife precisely because she isn't primarily "his type".

I'm sure she had many good qualities he could appreciate -- but not so much in the erotic area --

I would jot down stuff in my notebook and puff my scholarly pipe in a contemplative manner and put forth my expert opinion that there isn't a big flaming throbbing chemistry between them --

Precisely because he chose a woman who did not appeal to him primarily on a sexual level -- because he secretly feels unfaithful to his first wife as he's getting married again at all, much less wanting to swing from the chandeliers with "another woman".

Then I would help him work on realizing that his first wife is gone, he's not unfaithful; making comparisons between the two women will get him nowhere and hurt the living wife; and I'd get them to do some exercises that would help them grow closer and be better friends and communicators, as a foundation for better physical relations by-and-by.

'Course I'm not one of them headshrinker types -- all the training I've ever had was for crisis counselling.  Different kettle of fish.

[msbradley]

I'm sorry I'm having a selfish moment here, but I am thankful you have posted here and that I read your post. The following may not end up any help to you, or anyone else, and for that I apologize. But your situation made me just now realize why I'm having difficulty with a man who wants to have a relationship with me.

I met a man about 4 years ago that I could tell was interested in me. I wasn't physically attracted to him, but I liked it that way. He would come in after he was off work and talk to me for hours while I worked. He did this everytime he worked, 3 or 4 times each week. He got further and further in depth about himself and me about myself. He was a widower. His wife died of some type of cancer over a year before he met me.

He's retired management from the phone company, very aggressive, somewhat dominating (which I love for the man to be in the leadership role). He and I had many talks about what we wanted and expected from our partner. We seemed to be on the same page with almost everything.

He told me I lit up his life. That I was always joyful, always positive and I always looked at the light side of troubles. He said he loved my faith in God, loved how I was naive about some things, how I instantly trusted until given a reason not to.

How I loved my family, how I held people accountable to be true with their feelings. How I wasn't afraid to come to someone's aid when they needed help. How I had a heart for the elderly. My compassion for strangers who seemed to need something. He would tell me he loved my giggle, my dreams, my fears and my tears.

He said he never met anyone as open and honest as me. He said he loved how I expected all of people and how I felt offended if I couldn't get it from them. How I shared all of me with people and he could tell I didn't hide stuff about me. There's more, a lot more.

He used to come in to the office where I worked and in a tune like sound would sing La la la la la la la. One night he told me how when one of his daughters was little, couldn't say Linda, which was her mommy's name, so she called her La la. I realized all those times when he came in to the office, he was thinking of his deceased wife. Although I wasn't jealous, it hurt me to now realize he was thinking of her that much.

One night some man on some radio talk show had written or was suggesting someone read a book called (I've forgotten now) "To Live Again" or "Living Again", something like that. The next day I bought the book and gave it to him. I also told him I didn't want to see him anymore. I told him I didn't want to be a replacement or a substitute for his wife. I told him I appreciated that he still loved his wife.

He left me alone for almost 14 months, then just showed up out of the blue last New Year's Eve. He offended me with almost everything he did or tried to do. I resented his aggressiveness, his almost demanding ways (which I am definitely a submissive person. I love to have someone else in control.) His things he had to say about me were still the same. He'd point out things he liked about me everytime we were on the phone or together. He brought me a flower or flowers everytime he came over. He sings me songs. There is some new song out by Rascal Flatts (?) The way it could of been (or something like that).

Then, I told him I liked someone who didn't like me. He tried to give me advice, but I would just be defensive and not want to hear what he was telling me. He got to where he almost had hate feelings for this person even though I never said anything bad about the other guy. He'd tell me the other guy doesn't even like me as a person if he'd do this and that. How the other person isn't truthful, is evasive, used me, not emotionally available in any form of friendship or relationship...and instead of listening, I just resented him giving me advice I didn't want to accept.

He's shown me all kinds of emotions and I've shown him all of my good sides and even all my bad sides. The other person has seen me at my worst also, but wouldn't ever take the time to see my good sides. Now, I'm to the point I just keep the other person out of any conversation.

The past 2 weeks, he's been around again. I haven't cried but a couple times. He uses the word "treasure" to describe how he feels about things about me.

I can't tell anyone about him because I don't want them mad at me for turning him away. He has kissed my cheeks, my hands, my forehead and a few times my lips, but I have never kissed him. He has put his hand on my thigh or knee if we were sitting next to each other. Up until April, he had only touched my arm or back just as a way of touching someone as we were going through a doorway or something like that.

He tells me he has never felt this way for anyone. I noticed he doesn't say his deceased wife's name around me. That bothers me. I don't want him to feel he has to keep her out. He says he's put her to rest.

He says if the other guy wasn't around, I would not be so easily turning him down.
So, my question that came to me tonight is: Can I really desire something (someone) so much that I might be turning away what I should be choosing? This has me wondering if I can do this in a "person" situation, then what are all the things God offers me that I choose to ignore?

Sorry, I knew this wouldn't help, but the title being "doing the right thing" hit my heart.

I'm still praying for your situation.

[janine]

It's not selfish of you to tell your story.  It sort of illustrtates the inside of things, to hear how someone else feels similar stuff, msbradley.

[Trusting Him]

I don't want to be labeled a jerk, but I wouldn't have married my wife if I didn't have a physical attraction for her.

So, I don't have any advice for this situation.

Actually, that was my first thought when I read the initial post.  Why would you marry someone you don't find physically attractive?

I'm Trusting Him's wife.  And yes, I did come across this website by accident.  I am VERY computer/internet saavy.
First, let me say that this thread did indeed cause me immeasurable pain.  I knew the minute I read it who Trusting Him was.  I appreciated all the posts until I got to this that is quoted.  Why say anything at ALL, Gary and Connie?  If marrying for reasons other than lust is not something you'd do, then it's best for you to keep mum.

Yes, I was very hurt by all this.  Imagine how I must have felt when I saw in my husband's own words that he still thinks about this other woman?  The late wife I can understand, but  woman he had a brief and lustful affair with, and carried on even after we met and married?  Please. 

You have no idea what I have had to deal with, so I'm not uplifted in the least by your useless, crass comments. 

I do, however, appreciate the kind words that were offered.  I love my husband, I am an excellent wife (his words), and he never wants for sex or anything else because I am always there for him.  I take care of myself and have even had surgery to give this man what he wants.  Never enough.

So if you don't know, put a sock in it.

PS.  Yes, I'm a Christian, but even Christians get angry at such foolishness.

Trusting Him's ugly wife

[janine]

I don't want to be labeled a jerk, but I wouldn't have married my wife if I didn't have a physical attraction for her.
So, I don't have any advice for this situation.

Actually, that was my first thought when I read the initial post.  Why would you marry someone you don't find physically attractive?

Actually, I didn't see the offense in that.  Some people would never marry without some physical attraction or chemistry in the mix.   Almost all Western people, really.

So it seems to me that the man must feel some.


From Trusting Him's wife:

... I love my husband, I am an excellent wife (his words), and he never wants for sex or anything else because I am always there for him.  I take care of myself and have even had surgery to give this man what he wants.  Never enough...

I submit to you the idea that the man himself is not exactly sure what he wants.  And I wonder what you told your doctors to get that surgery done for him.  Usually they don't approve & do elective surgeries for a reason like that.  So perhaps you are living too much for him, if such a thing is possible?  (Yes, a sacrificial life is a great thing, yes our example Jesus gave His all for us -- but somehow I don't see Him getting a tummy tuck...)

So, you being so savvy and all, does you coming in here under your husband's sign-on mean that you didn't bother to sign up yourself because you won't be back?  I wish you would sign up and stick around.  I think you'd add a lot to our cracked little fellowship.

[Trusting Him]

Well, I took offense to it because it was uncalled for.  If someone asks for advice, and you have none, don't make it worse by saying, "I would never have done that!"  The fact is, my husband DID do that, so it's a little late to quibble on that point.

And thank you, but I have no desire to be a member here.  Too much of my personal business is known, and that makes me uncomfortable.  I'm sure there are some great people here, as I acknowledged in my previous post and thanked them for their kindness.  But my husband has humiliated me in our life together.  I don't need it in cyberspace.  It's all I can do to take what I have and work with it.