Help! My daughter seems to hate me!

[kmv]

I know how you feel; we've gone through this at our house as well.  

First of all, I don't think it's really all that unusual.  Especially the challenging authority and backtalking!  

Maybe it's just part of a natural 'separating' phase.  Is she your oldest?  When my son was first or second grade, he just cut off any display of affection (no hugging allowed!) and is just now getting past that phase.  And my seven-year-old daughter is in the process of separating from mom right now-she pushes away in the day (although at bedtime or when she's had a bad day, she still needs holding time).

How old is younger brother?  Is she really jealous or just manipulating you?  Is there something she's mad at God about?  Shortly after the birth of our second child, our then four-year-old son suddenly started refusing to say his prayers.  I tried talking to him and got no where.  Finally I asked him if he was mad at God.  He told me, \"Yes I am.  God made all the little babies, didn't he?  Well, I want Him to take ours back.\"  Eventually he accepted that he was stuck with his baby sister, and got over it!

You and your husband definitely need to agree to present a united front though.  I imagine its fun to be the easy-going, 'fun' parent (I have to be the meanie at our house, too) but he has to put the kids interests first, and that means sticking to the rules you both set.

I know with your family's story it must be hard not to worry though.  But I wonder if your daughter isn't picking up on your anxiety and playing on it to get her way.

I hope this helps.

Kari

[duckman]

Lauren,

I have no real advice for you, just some observations from our own family.

We have 3 children - 2 girls ages 19 and 17, and a boy age 5.

I am the more easy-going parent in our household, my wife is more stringent.  However, as Kari mentioned in her note, we both try to be consistent in discipline and in presenting a united front to our children.

Our 2 daughters, being the insightful people they are, know that my wife and I interact with them differently.  They know I'm more easy going, and that my wife is tougher on them than I am.  From your experience and from Kari's response to you, (and from several things I've read), it seems obvious to me that mothers and daughters related to each other much differently than fathers and daughters.  It doesn't necessarily mean that one is better at it than the other, or that one method is right and the other is wrong.  It's just the way it is!

Just be aware of the differences, and encourage your husband to support you and also to take the lead in discipline - you shouldn't have to be the only one to try and keep your daughter in line.

Having said all that, from our experience, I will say that what is going on now will come and go.  Your relationship with your daughter will evolve over time.  Do your best to keep the lines of communication open, and to let her know that you love her very much.

Duckman

[kmv]

Well, eight is certainly not too young to manipulate us-my son told on me for the first time at about 15 months.

I had just gotten on to him for trying to get into the tv cords (his only serious 'rule' at the time) when my dad dropped by.  He crawled up into his grandad's lap and gave him a big ol' booboo look, then gave me the 'bad mommy' look.  And of course, Grandad gave him every bit of sympathy he was looking for!

But that 'I don't want you, Mommy' sure is a stab in the heart, isn't it?  

God bless you both.

Kari

[Jim Abb]

Kind of reminds me of our (now 15) son. We had problems in pre-school when he started a rebellion against the teacher! We talked with some counsellors and they said he was very bright and had figured out subconscously that the more often he pulled the lever on the slot machine the more likely he was to win. We ended up putting him in a Montessori school where they catered to individual needs. We learned to fight the battles that matter. I don't think, from what you've said at least, that things like where your daughter sits at the restaurant is the battleground. Obviously, obedience is a place to stand your ground. And as others have said, a united front is important.
As an encouragement I would add that your daughter sounds both bright and passionate. This means a bigger challenge in the early years, but in the end can result in a wonderful young woman.
My wife prayed for a son who would be a leader for God's church. Our son has the potential to be such, but the strength of the personality  required for that means a strong personality from the get-go. It has often been a challenge for us, but as he just submitted his first sermon to the elders last week, I think I can happily say it has been worth it.
So hang tough, pray...take the advice that seems best from those who've been down that road....and trust in the Lord.
At least, those are my best thoughts.

[Jesus4you]

Thank you everyone for your replies.  They give me some insight and some hope.  Being a first time parent and never having babysat , it has been hard for me to consistantly understand a child's behavior.


Blessings,
Lauren

[Jesus4you]

Julie,
Thanks.  Spending some time with her might do some good.  My husband has also noticed shes been fussing a lot . She seems to pick up some attitudes from public school (grade 3).  Maybe she's just trying them out for size on her mother,


Blessings,

Lauren

[Jesus4you]

:( Greetings.  For all of you parents who might understand this, I could use your wisdom on this issue.

This is a serious post. My husband and I are both Christians and have both been through Bible School.  He is much more traditional in his view of God than I .

My eight and a half year old daughter seems to hate me .  She challenges my authority and talks back to me.  She says I love her younger brother more.  She does not want to sit next to me in a restaurant or in any public setting.
That hurts me and she knows it.  She has always been \"daddy's girl.\"

My husband basically is the nice guy who sets very few restraints on her, asks very little of her and basically gives her what she wants . I'm the mean guy, who puts more restraints on her, who wants her to read the Bible with us daily and to obey her parents the way Jesus obeyed Mary and Joseph.  Even though my husband was a preacher, she will not pray and does not look for God to help her when she has a problem .

She is above average in intelligence, and has been called talented and gifted by her teachers (Big woop right:).

Does anyone know what I should do ?
The reason why I brought this up is because the same thing happened with my adopted brother and my mother.  My brother eventually cut himself off from my mother.  How can I avoid this with my daughter.  After writing this, I think she is imitating my husband.

Thanks for any advice,
Lauren

[Jesus4you]

[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote (kmv @ Feb. 03 2003,2:14)[/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--]You and your husband definitely need to agree to present a united front though.  I imagine its fun to be the easy-going, 'fun' parent (I have to be the meanie at our house, too) but he has to put the kids interests first, and that means sticking to the rules you both set.

I know with your family's story it must be hard not to worry though.  But I wonder if your daughter isn't picking up on your anxiety and playing on it to get her way.

I hope this helps.

Kari[/quote]
Thanks for your reply,

She is the oldest.  She might be playing on my anxiety .  Excellent advice.  Thanks for sharing your story.

P.S. My husband likes being the nice guy so I get to brush the snarls out of  hair cut, fingernails ect...

Lauren

[janine]

It may be that you need to leave her heart to God to work upon, while you insist on correct behavior from her.

You may need to insist that Hubby grant you the correct behavior due you from him, too.  United front, disagreements handled in private, that sort of thing.

If she's so darned bright (I have \"gifted & talented\" kids, too, and was one myself), she can understand a few simple rules.  No acting out in general, especially in public.  Gracious behavior, no pouting, no tantrums, etc.

For example, with the churlish babyish protest against sitting by you in the restaurant... Well, she is a baby, she's only 8!

But, the world is not waiting with 'bated breath for her opinion about who she wants to sit by at the restaurant.  Don't be afraid to take her out to the car & discuss it, not allowing her to have her meal if it comes to that.  It might be too much to expect your husband to cooperate & turn around & make the whole family go home & punish her for bad behavior or disrespectfully phrased protests... It won't kill her to miss a meal.

If my mom had \"trained\" me, as I train my dog, in a few areas like that, I might not have given her such Hell as an adolescent.

[david johnson]

i'm w/janine.  look at it that way.  sounds like she needs some work to do, too.

dj

I do agree some with the advice that has been given here but I also want to warn about the advice that it is normal.  You are her mom and let your intuition tell you if there a serious problem.  You can also tell her that it hurts your feelings when she so blatantly pushes you aside.  I have told my own children at those moments that it is not a good idea to be mean to your mother...I know that dads can often be the \"easy\" ones but it is your mother who will always stand by your side.  Your mother will always go to bat for you!  I have told my nine year old that it does hurt my feelings and that I would never intentionally hurt her feelings...in fact, I would do all I can to keep from doing that.  That is what we do as a family.  She gets it when I put it that way.  Do you treat your son different than your daughter?  Possibly expect more from her?  grace, Julie

[!--QuoteBegin--][/span][table border=\"0\" align=\"center\" width=\"95%\" cellpadding=\"3\" cellspacing=\"1\"][tr][td]Quote [/td][/tr][tr][td id=\"QUOTE\"][!--QuoteEBegin--]it is your mother who will always stand by your side. ?Your mother will always go to bat for you![/quote]
not necessarily, and I hate it when people make that generalization ... a good mother will always stand by your side ... a good mother will always go to bat for you ... but not all mothers are good mothers, now, are they?



[!--EDIT|janine|Feb. 06 2003,07:35--]

I tried to post this earlier today and my computer froze on me.  Lauren, of course, I did assume that you are a good mother, even though those were not my words.  You care enough about your daughter to ask for advice.  Our society tells us many times that things are normal...I am just asking you not to take society's word for it.  Trust your instincts to tell you if everything is alright with your own daugher and do what you can to fix it if there is something wrong.  But the strongest advice I can give is...pray, pray, pray and spend time with her by yourselves.
grace, Julie

[janine]

Checking in on you, J4Y - how are things going?  How's the little daughter?